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Original poster

AIBU new home

467 replies

yan79 · 24/04/2019 12:11

Hi, I’ve been with my partner just short of a year and we’re buying a house together. He’s actually buying it as my credit is less than perfect.
I’ve rented since separating from my ex husband 4 years ago.
I work part-time due to having young children and I receive a significant amount in universal credit and housing benefit.
He is classed as a high earner and has one child who he sees a few days a week. I have my children 5 days a week.

We got chatting about contribution to the new house and he expects me to contribute the exact same amount as him (he earns over 50k and at the moment I earn 14k)
I’m well aware that I’ll need to increase my hours when we live together but I’ll never ever earn as much as him. In fact when we live together I’ll loose nearly 1k a month in child benefit, universal credit and housing benefit which is fine as this was only ever a temporary measure while my children are young to help me get by and I always knew that I’d have to work more and not be reliant on these benefits.
I won’t be able to work full-time as childcare isn’t available to me to cover my unsocial hours so I’ve decided to increase my hours to 30 hours over 3 days which is just about manageable.
AIBU in thinking I shouldn’t be expected to contribute the exact same amount as him?
It will leave me with barely any disposable income and also I think the child maintenance I receive from my children’s father shouldn’t be taken into consideration when it comes to my income?

I just wanted a neutral opinion from people that don’t know either of us as my family say YANBU as do my friends.

Many thanks 😘

OP posts:
WhiteDust · 24/04/2019 14:45

He works in finance
I bet he does! Makes it worse. He's making sure he's ok and has little regard for you or your DC.

He’s not the most approachable of people when it comes to things like this and he’ll probably loose his shit.
I don't think I need to actually comment here...

Please OP. Sit down and work it all out. Give him the facts on paper and tell him it isn't going to work for you.

Bluntness100 · 24/04/2019 14:52

Setting aside the house ownership/mortgage issue, the fact he is expecting you to pay 50:50 for everything split down the middle is ridiculous

This is shocking advice. And so grabby. The op has two kids, they will live in this house most of the time. There is three of her and one of him. He's offering to pay half, so he's already subsidising her kids. And the expectation she should be able to live in his house rent free is simply appalling.

If a man with two kids was moving in with a woman on her own, only wanted to pay half the expenses and no rent everyone would call him a cock lodger and tell her to chuck him thr fuck out and fast.

Yes rhe op has been foolish. She needs to speak to the mortgage company together. And see if her name can beput on the mortgage. Not take his word for it. If not make an appt for a solicitor and get a legal deed drawn up saying she's entitled to half the remaining equity and register and interest in the house with the land registry.

But no way should she expect to move into his house, rent free, and have him subsidise her kids, because of her personal circumstances, it's up to her and their father to pay to house and feed etc those kids. Not this man.

snowdrop6 · 24/04/2019 14:54

Don’t move in with him..you will be cooking and cleaning for him.plus sex..yet paying half and being left with nothing while he has plenty.hes not being fair.
Marry him ,then move in.no marriage.no perks of being married for him.hes all take and your all give

ElspethFlashman · 24/04/2019 14:55

After just a year of dating, there shouldn't even have been that much anger that you even know how short a temper he has.

Isn't this meant to be the period when you don't fight at all?

Original poster
yan79 · 24/04/2019 14:56

I don’t think he should subsidise me and my kids, not at all. I was just wondering if it was unreasonable to ask for me to contribute exactly half when he earns £36k more a year than me!

OP posts:
snowdrop6 · 24/04/2019 14:56

I should of said...stay where you are..independence financially is important

Original poster
yan79 · 24/04/2019 14:58

We do argue, regularly. At least once per month. I had a very abusive and volatile relationship before and I guess I’m used to arguing. I’m not saying it’s right but I am under the impression that most couples disagree/argue x

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 24/04/2019 14:59

Who do you tent off..
Private landlord or social housing....

Original poster
yan79 · 24/04/2019 15:01

@mummy2017
I have a private landlord x

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 24/04/2019 15:01

Well considering your kids aren't infants op. Then he accounts for max 30 odd percent of the expenses, and you and your two kids the rest, so him paying half is already subsidising the kids.

And I strongly disagree you should be able to live there rent free. When a woman posts, and there has been many threads like this, that the man doesn't want to contribute to the mortgage, just pay living expenses everyone shouts he's a cock lodger wishing to live for free.

And on your new hours, with the child maintenance, he doesn't earn that much more than you based on what you've previously posted. That's based on your current figures.

ElspethFlashman · 24/04/2019 15:03

Not that much, love. Frankly I wouldn't have fallen in love with someone who I had a blow out with once a month in the very first year, who was guaranteed to lose their shit entirely at me.

Fuck that.

And if you are seriously thinking it's a good idea to move your kids into a home where they hear someone losing their shit that much, then you need to give yourself a kick up the arse I'm sorry.

A bloke would have to be Gandhi for me to move them in with him. They deserve to grow up in a house without explosions and walking on eggshells.

Ginger1982 · 24/04/2019 15:04

Jesus...so many red flags here....

hellsbellsmelons · 24/04/2019 15:07

Did you get support from a domestic abuse charity after your last abusive relationship?
If not then please do contact Womens Aid.
Talk to them about doing their Freedom Programme.
Do not be 1 penny out of pocket if he stays with you.
He pays everything you lose or he doesn't move in.
Simple!

WhiteVixen · 24/04/2019 15:12

@Bluntness100 you have grossly misquoted me. If you read the rest of my post, I am talking in terms of the fact this man out-earns OP almost 4:1. That is what I think is unfair. That he is still expecting her to contribute 50:50 when their earnings are so at odds with each other. Please don’t twist my words.

Natasha4767 · 24/04/2019 15:15

Please don't do this! I've been in a similar situation and ended up with nearly nothing. If it does go wrong you will have no savings or be able to put any money aside what so ever to protect yourself and the kids xx

mummmy2017 · 24/04/2019 15:17

Have you asked him where this is going?
Marriage ect.. more children...
If he may bed in you will lose all your tax credits, so your income is going to go down, this will give you a chance too see how it will work.
I do the wanting you too pay half of everything is wrong, as it leaves you no savings. Have you spoken about this?
Because now while you still have a home is the time to sort it out.

AsleepAllDay · 24/04/2019 15:25

Arguing once a month and you've not been together a year? That's what 6, 7 or 8 arguments already where he has yelled at you?

Most couples argue yes, but it's not at that rate during the honeymoon period and there usually isn't a partner escalating it with his temper

Dirtybadger · 24/04/2019 15:27

Don't do anything that will compromise your ability to repay your debts, if there is ever a choice.

50:50 might be fine if it was affordable for you. He would have more disposable income and some people wouldn't agree with that....but fine. But you shouldn't commit to anything financially that you can't afford. And you can't afford this!!

lifebegins50 · 24/04/2019 15:28

Op,this man is likely to be able to afford the house on his own so please don't feel guilt.

He works in finance and has had a mortgage approved, usually that will include pretty detailed overview of his expenses so he will be ok. Angry maybe but he is a grown up.

If you haven't been together a year when did you start the buying process? It must have been really early on. That is a red flag as no one should make a commitment especially when you have children, under 2 years, as that is the generally recognised period of how long it takes to know someone.

Please don't let your kind nature, your good manners or feelings of obligation override the decision you need to make.

Be brave and pull out of the house. If he is too angry do not back down and just ask him to take time away to calm down.

Can you imagine how he will cope with hormonal teens in a few years???

Getting back into rented is really difficult as deposits are large so would you be able to fund this?

Dirtybadger · 24/04/2019 15:28

Also I don't think it's normal to have argued really at all with a partner in the first year or so. Not something that's ever happened to be anyway. Sounds volatile still to me. Granted I am quite a laid back person.

Original poster
yan79 · 24/04/2019 15:34

11 arguments, maybe. Over silly things.

No, I didn’t seek any advice from Woman’s aid, I just left the relationship with some equity from the house (which wasn’t much) and got divorced.

OP posts:
MrsKrabbapple · 24/04/2019 15:34

You can't move in with someone when you haven't had a detailed discussion about money. You've got children who you are responsible for.

Dvg · 24/04/2019 15:35

God you sound stupid.

Together a year and already moving in AND paying his mortgage .. NO normally you just share bills. the house is in HIS name and you are entitled to NOTHING.

and no he will not help you if you break up dont even be that naive.
Plus that isnt all that marriage is.. marriage is entitlement to 50% of everything !
if your paying the mortgage then you should have your name on it/ be entitled to some of it but i doubt he will really do it, he may put your name on say 10% of it but that entitles you to Nothing.

Original poster
yan79 · 24/04/2019 15:37

I have said to him that the kids will get worse with their behaviour as they become adolescents. His son is the same age as mine (11) but severely autistic and although he poses his own problems it will never be the same problems as I experience with my kids e.g bickering, answering back, fighting and general bad behaviours that children naturally have. Generally my kids are very good but like them all they have their moments and he’s pretty intolerant of these at times and this is something that we’ve rowed about twice more recently x

OP posts:
Dvg · 24/04/2019 15:38

Plus any man who expects all to be 50/50 ON HIS MORTGAGE whilst earning tons more is selfish. Also NO child maintenance should be spent on your child, how very dare anyone include that as earnings. it should always be spent on the child whether through necessities or savings.