AIBU new home

[yan79]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner just short of a year and we’re buying a house together. He’s actually buying it as my credit is less than perfect.
I’ve rented since separating from my ex husband 4 years ago.
I work part-time due to having young children and I receive a significant amount in universal credit and housing benefit.
He is classed as a high earner and has one child who he sees a few days a week. I have my children 5 days a week.

We got chatting about contribution to the new house and he expects me to contribute the exact same amount as him (he earns over 50k and at the moment I earn 14k)
I’m well aware that I’ll need to increase my hours when we live together but I’ll never ever earn as much as him. In fact when we live together I’ll loose nearly 1k a month in child benefit, universal credit and housing benefit which is fine as this was only ever a temporary measure while my children are young to help me get by and I always knew that I’d have to work more and not be reliant on these benefits.
I won’t be able to work full-time as childcare isn’t available to me to cover my unsocial hours so I’ve decided to increase my hours to 30 hours over 3 days which is just about manageable.
AIBU in thinking I shouldn’t be expected to contribute the exact same amount as him?
It will leave me with barely any disposable income and also I think the child maintenance I receive from my children’s father shouldn’t be taken into consideration when it comes to my income?

I just wanted a neutral opinion from people that don’t know either of us as my family say YANBU as do my friends.

Many thanks 😘

How solvent he is isn’t why I’m with him. When I met him, he could have had nothing. I don’t need his money. It’s lovely that he does all these nice things for us but in reality it’s not something I’m used to or comfortable with. He’s actually not a shit I’m in quite taken a back by all the criticism of him 🙄 so let’s have less of beating him with a stick because I think it’s a little bit shit

People are giving you sound advice, based on their own or other's real life experience. As someone who used to be in the same position, I urge you to really think about what has been said. Re your trip - spend it watching his behaviour - do you have a say in what you do? What if you suggest something else? Listen to what he is saying. Really SEE him for who he is. I wish I had done this, I really do. It took me 15 years before seeing the light, and it cost me and, more importantly, my DC, too much. Good luck.

yan79 so take away the money. Anything he financially provides, and what do you have?

Either you thought this was going to be an easy free ride and he would pay for it all and dont want to raise this until you are actually in the house, or you cant talk about legitimate concerns you have, with him.

He’s actually not a shit I’m in quite taken a back by all the criticism of him 🙄 so let’s have less of beating him with a stick because I think it’s a little bit shit

I wondered when the displaced loyalty would kick in.

Op you have had lots of constructive sound advice here..
I would just add,

Stay put, sort your debts and really get to grips with your own money situation..work more to achieve this, this should be your number one priority.

Spend weekends with him in his new house if you want, this could be a trial for you and your Dcs to see if it is likely to work.

Once you have sorted your own debts, and given the relationship another year you will know if this is going to work long term.

By then you could have improved your credit rating hugely and be in a position to be added to the mortgage or get married.

Sit down with him and very calmly explain all this, and the reasons why.
You are an adult who needs to be in control of your own finances first, for your childrens stability and yours, all else comes second.

If he truly loves you he will understand why things should be done this way and support you.

I think you’ve received some good advice on here and personally I would not buy a house with a man I had not lived with after being with him for only a year, particularly with kids in the mix. But, you are where you are!

Your choices are:
1 Pull out of buying the property altogether and instead rent together for a period of time.
2 Continue with the purchase as you are and potentially leave yourself vulnerable.
3 Continue with the purchase but only on the back of some explanations/negotiations and a legal interest in the property as part of that.

If you do 3 then you need to seek advise on the conveyancing from a solicitor and explain that you will need a share in the property.
If you are paying half of all mortgage and bills then that should be 50% after contributions to any deposit are considered. However I would suggest that you look at the other household expenditure and work out what a fair contribution to that would be given your salary difference but also that you have two children residentvwith you most of the time. Then consider your other outgoings, from what you have said clearing your other debt is actually probably more important that the mortgage as it is this which is limiting your own ability to buy. Then look at what you can contribute to the mortgage and ensure that the registered interest in the property reflects that proportion.

I don’t think that there is an easy solution to this!

There is a 4th option:split up with him!

I dont understand this mindset of him not providing for your children. If you move in together and are living as a blended family then of course he should fucking provide for your children. This is the choice he makes when choosing a life with you and your children. Especially if he is a high earner, you are not and you are going to lose over £1k a month. Why should your children miss out on things (which they will if your income drops by 1k) so that you can share a bed with your other half every night. This is why you are losing UK every month, the government assumes you and a new partner will each have financial responsibility for your children. Honestly, either tell him that he revises his sums or put your children bloody first and dont move in with him.

I wondered when the displaced loyalty would kick in.

Seems its kicked in since people started noticing a jolly to New York was more important than her and (more importantly) her kids future

If you move in together and are living as a blended family then of course he should fucking provide for your children.

Except, op isnt blending finances either.

She has lots of debt that he isnt aware of.

She cant really argue they should be treating finances as a family, while keeping her own finances seperate.

Are you definitely increasing your hours to 30 as you mentioned previously? Because if so you're earning 1200pcm now (14.4k/annum) on 18hrs you'll have ~1900 (Not sure if everything is net or gross so maybe minus NI tax and pension etc) after.

In which case you are taking a financial hit but not so significantly.

Have you already discussed and agreed it with work? I saw your initial reference to 30 hours but then all further references are to the lower 18 hour income.

Not that if you're earning 1900 and have debt you can afford 900 for a mortgage on a house you don't own, anyway, whilst you also are attempting to pay off previous debts.

I have RTFT (twice-but can't bear to go through third time) but didn't see OP say he doesn't know about debts. I assume he does as it must have come up when explaining her credit to him?

If he doesn't know then you need to tell him!!

And if he does know then the mind boggles even further how he didn't think it was prudent to check how you are financially and the affordability to your contribution in light of poor financial history, debt, low earnings, and an expensive new house. And he works in finance so can't be a complete idiot when it comes to working out the numbers either

Forget the NY trip; sorting out a secure future for you and DC is far more important. You need to have this conversation sooner rather than later, rather than worrying about upsetting a holiday.

Sorry if you feel as though your DP has taken a bashing; but if he works in the financial industry, he knows exactly what he's doing. Everyone is just trying to offer you practical advice.

Yes, he’s aware of how much I pay out. Not my debts as such, though.

OP said this. If they are at the point they are moving in and she is expecting him to finance her and her kids he should know the full details.

'As such' is a line used by people not being open and honest. He doesnt know.

Either they are going to combine finances and live as a family or not. It cant be be both

In a nut shell you will work 12 more hours a week but lose £1k month. Your kids journey to school will be more difficult. You will work 3 x 10 hour long days.

But you will be no better off security wise than if you were renting and in fact it would be less secure as you wouldn't have the security of a tenancy agreement so you could be asked to leave/kicked out at any time.

I'm sure he's as lovely as you say he is BUT this arrangement is much worse for you financially than your current arrangement.

OP there’s nothing wrong with moving in with someone sooner rather than later, some men are wonderful and quick to move in. However you don’t have just yourself to consider, your dc are in the mix too. That said, you can’t turn back time, and as you said, he’s great with them - bonus!

But, and it’s a big but, why don’t you want to discuss this with him before you go to NY? Do you think he’ll react badly? You are not asking him for anything unreasonable, you do know that don’t you?

If you don’t believe the MN massive, go and talk to a solicitor please. They will let you know exactly what you will and won’t be entitled to, and give you a good idea of how this will work. And seriously, you shouldn’t have to increase your hours to live with a man! If he’s not happy to help secure your future financially (and by this I don’t mean he pays for you, but doesn’t put you at financial risk or helps/works with you to put you in a better position ), then you need to consider if he really has your best interests at heart

@dirtybadger there’s some salary sacrifice that comes off that plus my pension contributions and car parking.

I haven’t increased my hours yet, I’m still working 18 hours. I’ve spoken to my manager about this possibly happening in the future but nothings happened yet.

@ikeameatballs I think that it will be option 4 and it won’t be my choice either. I do think that after I’ve had this conversation with him he’ll probably want to call it a day. I could be wrong but my gut instinct says it’ll be over.

@putthatlampshadeonyourhead
Do you mean what would I have financially or from the relationship?
And the trip to NY is not important to me, of course I want to go but what I don’t want to do is if we’re still going to cast a cloud over it and spend the 5 days talking about this.

So you think he will end the relationship over this? It’s such a shame this wasn’t all discussed at the very beginning when this was still an idea. But in all honesty not moving in is the right move for you and your children. And if he can’t see that then he is the right one for you.

@WhoKnewBeefStew
I don’t want to bring it up before as I think he’ll react badly. I think it will be the end of our relationship.
I also don’t want to wait until I get back either as I won’t be able to enjoy the trip knowing what I’ve got to do when I return.

I will see him tonight and I think I’m going to have to grab the bull by the horns. Ideally I also didn’t want to do this while children are present but the next time we’re alone will be when we go away

@Dirtybadger he does know I have debt and bad credit. He doesn’t know exactly how much though, he has a general idea of it being a few thousand

Let me be absolutely clear about this "were buying a house together"

NO YOU ARE NOT.

HE IS BUYING A HOUSE.

You are to be his live in housekeeper-with-benefits.

DON'T DO IT

Why would he end a good relationship over your perfectly reasonable request for financial security (or the security of being on the mortgage) if he is a decent and kind man? Surely there should be ways of working it out which don’t involve brinksmanship (his way or the highway). Honestly, if you think that will be his reaction, that is a red flag right there. Just be glad you are not married with DC to him before you found out.

Although a decent and kind man would not be asking you to work more and lose £1k a month for no security, and if he is the good guy you think, he will see your point and you will come to a mutually acceptable arrangement. Good luck

Do you mean what would I have financially or from the relationship?

The relationship. No holidays, no giving you spending money, no paying for trips out, no new house.

Would you be rushing to blend your family so quickly?

If you cant talk about money and the impacts of living together, because of how he will react, then it's not a great relationship.

Although, I would have expected dp to tell me lots earlier if there was a problem. Rather tha assuming I will the majority of costs. I could understand him being g annoyed about that.

But from what you said, anytime you would have brought it up then would have the same reaction.

And the trip to NY is not important to me, of course I want to go but what I don’t want to do is if we’re still going to cast a cloud over it and spend the 5 days talking about this.

Also if I were him and you brought this up after the trip, I would be convinced you kept quiet so you could have the trip and that money was your motivator.

Why not get married?

@Bluntness100 you really like a broken record