AIBU new home

[yan79]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner just short of a year and we’re buying a house together. He’s actually buying it as my credit is less than perfect.
I’ve rented since separating from my ex husband 4 years ago.
I work part-time due to having young children and I receive a significant amount in universal credit and housing benefit.
He is classed as a high earner and has one child who he sees a few days a week. I have my children 5 days a week.

We got chatting about contribution to the new house and he expects me to contribute the exact same amount as him (he earns over 50k and at the moment I earn 14k)
I’m well aware that I’ll need to increase my hours when we live together but I’ll never ever earn as much as him. In fact when we live together I’ll loose nearly 1k a month in child benefit, universal credit and housing benefit which is fine as this was only ever a temporary measure while my children are young to help me get by and I always knew that I’d have to work more and not be reliant on these benefits.
I won’t be able to work full-time as childcare isn’t available to me to cover my unsocial hours so I’ve decided to increase my hours to 30 hours over 3 days which is just about manageable.
AIBU in thinking I shouldn’t be expected to contribute the exact same amount as him?
It will leave me with barely any disposable income and also I think the child maintenance I receive from my children’s father shouldn’t be taken into consideration when it comes to my income?

I just wanted a neutral opinion from people that don’t know either of us as my family say YANBU as do my friends.

Many thanks 😘

I agree with @Fannybaws52 I'm afraid

Cock goggles 😂😂

You're manoeuvring yourself into a very vunerable and potentially catastrophic position op.

Waaaaay to early and the expecting you to pay half sets massive alarm bells ringing for me. Something stinks.

You’ve said you need legal advice but can’t afford it. Please call the citizens advice bureau which can offer free legal advice.
tel:+44-344-411-1444

I can’t say anything that others haven’t already said but please don’t risk you and your childrens current/future stability by shying away from a tough conversation. You’ll put yourself and your children in an extremely vulnerable situation.
Worst case have the conversation after NYC.

Also OP, reading in between the lines, don’t not have the conversation because you worry that he’ll dump you and, after your ex, think you’ve been given this second chance at happiness and you’ll never meet anyone again if this relationship goes tits up.
It would be better for this relationship to end now, when you still have your independence and own home etc. rather than down the line when you’ve given up everything for him just because you’re grateful to be in a relationship at all.

This is horrific. Your kids have had some dude foisted into their lives after escaping trauma and abuse and now they’re at risk of homelessness if their mothers current boyfriend gets someone new. It’s not melodramatic, I’m sure apart from your new boyfriends shouting and temper, he’s ‘lovely’, this is still the honeymoon period, this isn’t him at his absolute best and it’s shit. Shouting and temper is unacceptable.
Couples who choose to not marry have no legal rights, as you now know, prioritise your kids here. They shouldn’t even really have met this boyfriend yet at this early stage, nevermind be moving in to his property with his kid.

*this IS him at his best and it’s shit,

I don’t think you should move in with him.

But can I just add something on the Child Benefit? You said you’d lose it as he earns over £50K. You don’t lose it completely until you’re over £60K. Also, that value is generally net of pension contributions (and some other allowances, but pensions is the big one). So if he’s earning £50+ not £60+ then you won’t lose it all. You’d be better off claiming it then getting him to repay any over pay on it via self assessment.

As for him not paying for your kids?
Well, I personally agree with you - though I understand people who say you become a family.

BUT... it’s not a neutral position - moving in with him loses you money. I out earn my husband 4x. As a result, his daughter gets a lower uni loan. He tops it up, and as reduces his income further, I pay for more. So I’m effectively paying some of her uni support, paying for his kid. But I think that’s fair - I want him to live with me, but my earnings reduce his income. So I take the hit of that.

He is short tempered and shouts? How do your kids feel about that?

I agree with lifebegins50 that the 'adoring' thing is a red flag. And also interested to know about how is relationship was with his ex. I'm wondering if the ex really did 'shaft him' or maybe she walked away with a fair split when he expected her to carry/give birth to/look after their severely autistic child at a physical and financial detriment to herself whilst he furthered his career unhindered. Am I close?

Well this is a recipe for disaster.

But quite honestly, it's not coming across to me that OP is being completely naive.

Despite the fact this situation is so far along OP is wanting to put off this converstation because of the holiday. That he is paying for. Alot of the good points she listed are about how much he spends on her and the kids. She talks about one of the reasons he is a good man is that he is solvent.

OP keeps saying she expected to pay a 'fair' amount. Bit wont answer what she thought that was. Either she didnt think about it and assumed he would pay the majority of finances or she has an idea of what she thinks is fair, but doesnt want to say.

While she is putting herself in a vulnerable position. I think she has the blinkers on to vulnerability of the situation and this mans red flags, because of his finances. I am sure op loves her dp, but she is rushing this to have a big house and live with someone solvent.

I dont agree that because they are living into together, it should be family money. If the dp in this situation was posting and was a woman, paying for holidays, meals out, building a house for her dp and his kids, no one would be telling her that she should also be paying more than half of the living costs.

While he does sound like he has some worrying traits. I do think the OP is willing to go along with it for the financial advantages.

It really reads as you want this holiday so will shut up until then. That's using him. You've introduced him very quickly. You seem overly impressed he goes to your kids school stuff. Either you're a family or you're not and he embraces your kids as his own. It's like saying you're dp is good because he changes the baby's nappy. Are you good because you do? Of course not so don't give undue credit.

Do not move in with him, seriously you lose your independence and have nothing to fall back on.

I think there is a lot of good advice on here. For all the focus on how solvent he is, it is not really benefitting you, though, if you are going to lose £1k of benefits (a LOT of money, I am a single parent and work full time and get zero benefits aside from Child Benefit) and have to increase your working hours, which might not be possible.

At the moment, you have a house, a manageable job and benefits which mean you can manage financially. So much so that you are the one providing the place to stay for him and the food.

Aside from the holiday to NYC and this bigger house (which he will own and therefore any equity will be his), how is his being solvent actually benefitting you?

You are going to make yourself very vulnerable with DC to look after.

Him saying he will make sure things are okay is just words. If he was going to make sure things were okay, it would start right from the outset with you not being financially worse off and having less time with DC (working more) than you do now and having a part-ownership of the property you will be paying towards.

That is even without the fact that he is short-tempered and you don’t want to bring this up with him.

I only work 9 miles from home but it’s on a major route that has shocking traffic and very often temporarily traffic lights/road works. If I was to go in the dead of the night it’d take me about 20 mins x

But you don't go in the dead of night , and it takes you an hour, so again why are you commuting an hour for a job that only pays 14kpa?

Plus what thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter said.

He’s 43
His relationship with his ex is okay, they get ok for the sake of his son. She’s very controlling over him. He’s excellent with his son but she lets him get away with nothing.
His relationship with his ex after that was amicable, they split and remained friends (only in a Facebook sense)
Yes, he’s aware of how much I pay out. Not my debts as such, though.
I don’t know what I expected to pay, it’s not until I’ve written it all down that it’s panicked me.

Because I only work 18 hours, that’s why my pay isn’t great.

You are moving in with him, but hiding your debt?

Clearly, you dont feel that moving in links your finances, so why would you expect his finances to be shared.

I can not believe you would even contemplate giving up your house, without having a converstation about how much this is going to cost you.

It's so scary how women get themselves in life changing events all for a man. More so when it's single mothers. They all say they would do anything for their kids but that's rarely the case at times. It's 2019 and they come on this board acting so naive and passive. You can't act like this if you have children. I wouldn't even need to know the law and where I stood legally to know in the very first instance when this dodgy proposal was made, that I was playing Russian roulette with my children's wellbeing and security. I don't know why men are more popular than their own children for some women. I just can't stand it. A woman who is in her 40s and experienced divorce and all that it brings cannot be this careless.

@EddyF some women, my mum included when I was a child and she was a single parent, just seem desperate for a man. Any man, even the obviously shit ones.

I think there is this idea that when you split and become a single parent that you will find someone - it is in so many posts here where a person leaves a bad marriage it is advised to ‘you will find someone better’

And the person is better in some ways, and the desire not to be alone, to share life’s ups and downs and the hard slog of single parenting, plus believing words and everything this person promises can absolutely blind you to the red flags. It is how abusive situations develop - no relationship starts off with all the problems apparent and once they start to become apparent, so many links and ties are already established.

One massive red flag is speed - how you could go from meeting someone to new build home-buying in less than a year (maybe misremembering OP) is a huge red flag. But I nearly did it myself, only the types of conditions mentioned in the OP put me off, so I am not going to judge. Thank goodness they did, because things only got worse and it would have been carnage otherwise.

Honestly, as a single parent, you do not think you are vulnerable but you are.

You’re going to pay as much as him, but not own half the house?

This. Please tread carefully. This is a terrible idea.

Its great that he is solvent and pays for fancy holidays but day to day you will not be benefiting at all from his money as you will be on a lot less money but working more.

What a shame the first thing you didn’t say when you discussed living together was, I’m not sure how that will affect my finances, let me work it out before we make any decisions. Then you would have had the conversation about how much you would be contributing.

Whatever happens, make sure you have your name on the house before you move in. That’s non negotiable. If you argue and he ends it you’ll be out with no rights and you’ve got kids to think of. It’s not enough that he says he won’t do that. You MUST legally protect your kids. Right now you have security and you are affording to live. You are giving up security and affordability and you said it’s going to cost you 1k a month in lost benefits. You’re also going to have to work more hours!! What’s he losing? It’s all gain for him and loss for you. You can’t afford to do this! It’s madness. Plus you do the “I can’t talk to him when....” thing, shows that you are extremely avoidant. You are avoiding having tough chats with him and that is really really bad. You should not be moving in with somebody you can’t communicate easily with. You need to message him and say “following on from our chats about money etc I’ve worked out I’m going to be losing £1,000 every month when I move in with you! I can’t afford that! Plus I’ve had some legal advice and because I’ve got kids the advice is that I should only move if I’ve got my name legally on the house. We’ve got lots to discuss. When can we talk please?”

Regardless of the ins and outs of it, there is no way I would go from part time to full time work and lose £1k a month just so I got to live with a man (even one I thought was great).
I’d be even less likely to do it if I didn’t officially co-own the house.
And less likely still if I did not have enough disposable income to save a significant each month in case it (or something else) all went wrong.
Also I’d wait until we’d been together at least 2 years to move in as I’d want to know him a lot longer/better before he lived with my children.
But I really do mean it when I say that that is just what I would do and it’s up to you!

My god, re-read your own post! None of it makes any sense for you. Don't be a doormat. Speak up for yourself and especially your kids. You've got a nice little set up now, why the hell change that for what he's offering????

It's so scary how women get themselves in life changing events all for a man. More so when it's single mothers. They all say they would do anything for their kids but that's rarely the case at times. It's 2019 and they come on this board acting so naive and passive.

Firstly, I don't think this is just about having a man. I do think his money is why the OP is going along with and moving so fast. It's not naivety. You made assumptions about what level of financial responsibility he was going to take. And is waiting until it's too late to tell him.

He sounds like a shit. But op, has seen a solvent man and clung to him.

Secondly, most single mothers dont do this. It may feel like it from mn, but you have to remember people are posting for advice when things are wrong.

And also it's not just women or single mothers.

When me and exh split up, I took the money from selling our home and put a deposit in a house. I met dp quickly, but we didnt get together for a year. He was a relative of my best friend and just moved back to the area. So ds met him at the same time I did. I dated dp for about 18 months before ds knew we were together. There was no need for him to know. Ds knew we were friends and spent time together, which we did for the first year, before we started dating. I knew dp and ds got on when I started dating dp, so no need to bring ds into how the relationship changed. Ds knew me and dp were dating for almost 2 years before we moved together, into my house. We have lots of legal protection that protects dp and ds inheritance.

I havent given anything up to be with him.

My exh on the other hand, moved into rented and spanked his money on his new girlfriend. 12 weeks after dating her, he Moved house again to live with her and her kids, he has our kids 40% of the time. Spanked more money doing her house up. Split up with her, had to love out having to money left. And he is now seeing someone new and could be moving in with her.

In my experience men hop from one relationship far more than women. It's not good for the kids at all.