AIBU new home

[yan79]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner just short of a year and we’re buying a house together. He’s actually buying it as my credit is less than perfect.
I’ve rented since separating from my ex husband 4 years ago.
I work part-time due to having young children and I receive a significant amount in universal credit and housing benefit.
He is classed as a high earner and has one child who he sees a few days a week. I have my children 5 days a week.

We got chatting about contribution to the new house and he expects me to contribute the exact same amount as him (he earns over 50k and at the moment I earn 14k)
I’m well aware that I’ll need to increase my hours when we live together but I’ll never ever earn as much as him. In fact when we live together I’ll loose nearly 1k a month in child benefit, universal credit and housing benefit which is fine as this was only ever a temporary measure while my children are young to help me get by and I always knew that I’d have to work more and not be reliant on these benefits.
I won’t be able to work full-time as childcare isn’t available to me to cover my unsocial hours so I’ve decided to increase my hours to 30 hours over 3 days which is just about manageable.
AIBU in thinking I shouldn’t be expected to contribute the exact same amount as him?
It will leave me with barely any disposable income and also I think the child maintenance I receive from my children’s father shouldn’t be taken into consideration when it comes to my income?

I just wanted a neutral opinion from people that don’t know either of us as my family say YANBU as do my friends.

Many thanks 😘

What do your kids think about him?

Have they witnessed him shouting or the cold shoulder treatment?

It seems to me that as a couple you lack the ability to communicate and discuss important issues. That’s a recipe for disaster by itself. Right at the very start when this was being floated as an idea the financials should have been discussed.

The kids adore him. He’s great with them 99% of the time. Booked and paid for our summer holiday as a surprise, booked and paid for New York for my 40th as a surprised and given me £500 spending money as a gift. Pays for most meals age days out and is very good at discussing issues that may arise with the kids...unless his He’s stressed (very stressful job and son that poses lots of issues with severe autism) but very generous with paying for things eg food, days out, help if I need it etc

Sorry for spelling mistakes. I’m in bed typing in the dark with one eye open x

Please don't do it! He's being very greedy expecting you to pay half his mortgage on your earnings, especially when you're losing benefits! Please dont do it

He struggles with any criticism and that’s when he gets defensive. I don’t think I’ve painted him in a very good light but all in all he’s a good man that’s attended my kids after school activities, helped us financially, gave us emotional support, and lots more

Have you spoken to him this evening?

@Fannybaws52 I must salute you on a) your name and b) 'cock goggles'!

@Wildrose19 no, only by text and not about this. I spoke to him on the phone at tea time about just day to day stuff x

This is crazy, you have known him less than a year, how soon was it before you introduced your children to him?
Now you are moving in to a house with him, you earn significantly less, are losing a huge amount of benefits. He expects you to pay your way equally? What exactly are you gaining from this and what is it you see in him?

We go to New York a week on Friday and I’m worried about mentioning it before then x

Sorry but I only read 2 pages out of 11 but has anyone pointed out to yan79 that once you are living together as a family, any benefits you receive will stop as his earnings will determine the level of 'household income' and if he truly is a high earner, that might mean the end of child benefit too. You need serious financial advice. He's expected to fill that income stream and not just take you on nice holidays.

Oh look. I cross posted

It was a couple of months before introducing him. I love him, he’s funny, intelligent, loving (adoring in fact) solvent, offers good advice, we get on like a house on fire, he’s motivational, generous, a good role model to my kids, solid as a rock when it comes to my insecurities (of which there are loads)

Is he aware of your debts and how much you have to pay out each month?

You both need to sit down and do a projected budget on household running costs.

He is also suggesting that you work more when you’ve already said that you physically cannot due to childcare limitations. That needs tackling.

If you are going ahead with this (and I suspect you will)

You need to have an interest registered in the house. And seriously discuss whether you are getting married.

You will need to discuss an actual plan as to what would happen if the relationship doesn’t work out. You are both adults and parents. You know relationships don’t always work out. A specific savings account with enough in it to allow you to rent if things go wrong would be a good idea. If not needed then it could be used as a nest egg for the kids in the future.

Basically make sure you are protected.

@Shouldbedoing don’t worry, it’s a long one 😂

@Zofloramummy yes, I agree. I can’t contribute to this ‘nest egg’ though as I don’t have anything spare x

It’s worth discussing with him though. I’m sure a cash payout would be far more favourable than having to sell the house.

And if he just tells you not to worry as he will make sure you are ok, well tell him that’s not enough. You need concrete plans. You are leaving a very stable set up and have way more to lose than he does.

Yes I know. He says he’s loosing his house too and if we were to separate he’d sell the house as he has no need for it and make sure we were okay 🙄

This is going to sound a little harsh, I have read the full thread and you seem to be avoiding talking about it because you think it may affect your holiday, that he paid for.

How old is he?

So you'll be working more, have less money, higher outgoings, further from your kids school, no claim to the house - and the benefit is you get a man that shouts at you because he can't discuss things.

@Mrsfs sounds like she's scared to talk to him and walks on eggshells because he loses his shit so easily.

With your current situation you either need to let DWP aware he stays that many days a week, or reduce the amount he stays.
Totally irrelevant who pays for food while he is there, you could still be stung for benefit fraud so be very careful.

Op, "adoring" just raises concern for me especially when put with his aversion to criticism. It is a common trait in some people who are not quite what they seem. They put you on a pedestal and accelerate the relationship but after commitment, such as house purchase, marriage or children they switch to a being a very different person. My ex was exactly like you describe until commitment and what he changed. Warnings were there but I just didn't know enough to know the red flags.

What is his relationship with his Ex like?

Tread with great caution. Right now it sounds like a great prospect but the reality may be somewhat very different. It's also going to bring some very major changes to your children's lives....the new arrangement could create a lot of difficulty for them which could cause a lot of tension in your relationship. Even though you are not fully living together now, your current arrangement with your partner may very seriously affect your benefits, you should get some advice urgently.