Violent DP and police statement - warning - triggering content!

[MrsMidgeMaisel]

Hi - would like some advice please - no judgement.

Partner of 6 years assaulted me for the 5th time in 2 years last night. Usually he burns himself out but this time he was so so angry and I didn’t see an end coming. Also just so thoroughly fed up of his behaviour. I called the police. He left as soon as I rang them.

Anyway they’ve arrested him and he’s spent the night in the cells. They asked me last night to make a statement - I said I’d like to think about it overnight. I don’t want to make a statement! Their attitude and demeanour seemed to change, I felt they felt I was making it up maybe? I don’t want him to be charged, I just wanted him to stop and see the severity of what he had done. Will they / can they make me do a statement? They were recording everything anyway! I just want to forget about it now I just wanted him to stop.

They cant force you no but they dont have to like seeing a woman abused by then protect there abusers

He won't stop because he doesn't believe he's done anything wrong. He thinks it's your fault. The only way to make him stop is to leave him.

Then why waste their time? Sorry OP but you know full well what he is capable off, it's time he faces the consequences for his actions. None of this is your fault, but I can't say I blame the Police for being annoyed. They see this day in day out and know nothing will change. Stop making excuses why you make a statement, and just to let you know, if there is enough evidence without your statement, the Cps can still charge him.

I was not wasting their time! I’ve already said, I called them as I needed help there and then. It’s taken me months and months to even pluck up courage to get counselling. Let alone this!

I sympathise with you, but why wouldn’t you make a statement? You don’t want him back with you and you need to have what has happened officially documented. He has assaulted you, it’s not right.

So what's going to happen? Is he going to come back home and things go back to normal? I guarantee things will go back to normal plus be ramped up times ten. He will still be abusive but he'll blame you for his arrest and eventually be even angrier and more abusive.

Make your statement and end this relationship. You know what he's like because he's done it repeatedly over the last two years. He will not change.

If he attacked someone in the street would you expect him to be charged? Is there anyone who can support you in this? I can see it’s jot easy.

Not easy

@forumdonkey I’m very concerned about this and think the same, that he will be very angry today. My brother drove 80 miles late last night to be here with me this morning as I moved ‘long distance’ to be with him. But day to day I have very little support @Squeegle. I’ve been unhappy for a long time but financially I feel trapped, mentally I feel stuck as well. I am struggling

@MrsMidgeMaisel he will never stop, it doesn't matter if you ring the police! You will have just pissed him of even more.. there has been 3 occasions were my DH (who may I add has mental health and the worst childhood iv ever heard of) had got so angry he has smashed something up in our house, but he has NEVER put his hands on me because someone who truly loves you even that cant control there anger in that instance, will direct it towards something else or just leave the situation to calm down....

Now is the time to put a stop to him. Especially if your brother is here to support you.

Sweetheart, what you want- to forget about it- isn’t going to happen now. So take this chance and change your life for the better.

All you need to do today is tell the truth.

@MrsMidgeMaisel there's your answer and why you need to make your statement. The question is why wouldn't you? I speak as someone who has done and I can tell you that my only regret was not doing it years before.

No the Police can’t make you make a statement but not making a statement will definitely not make him stop.

You’re not stuck, you are choosing to stay with a man who could kill you, in the desperate and unlikely event that he will spontaneously be a different person.

You need to leave, are the financial penalties for leaving greater than your life?

It must be infuriating being in the police to have to deal with cases like this constantly. What happens when he does it next time and you end up in hospital? There will be no statement made that he’s done it before. He won’t care about how serious it is whether you make a statement or not. He’s beaten you 5 times in the last 2 years. If you stay with him he will beat you more often and more severely. Men like this always, always carry on.

This is your chance. Leave, go and stay with your brother, just get out OP. Whatever barriers you perceive can be overcome

You need to make the statement and start a new life for yourself.

If you don't make the statement you've just given him even more power.

Okay, you don't make a statement and they release and don't charge him. You've already said he's going to be angry and he'll come home to you angry and blaming you. I'm sure that you are terrified at the thought. The alternative is you make a statement and they bail him with conditions not to come back and contact you ( hopefully, they did that with my exh).

I know what I chose and that is another reason to do it

Go make the statement. I know it is hard, and you don't want to. But you need to do this. Can your brother come and support you? Anyone else in rl? Because you need to find the courage to do this one thing. Don't overthink it; don't plan 10 steps ahead.

Take this one step. It will all be facilitated for you, to make it easy. Go tell your story to the police.

Why waste police time by calling them out but not following through?
You need to be rid of him!

The police attitude was unlikely to be disbelief, more frustration as they know they’ll probably be seeing you again in the same situation some time soon.

If you are worried about him contacting you after arrest, the best thing you could do would be to pursue a prosecution as you would likely be protected by bail conditions.

However, if you really don’t want to, that’s your decision. You need to take steps to protect yourself. Sort the living arrangements, can you move back to your family? Contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV), they will assist you in obtaining a non molestation order against him in the absence of any criminal proceedings. Also contact Womens Aid for advice and support.

Just please don’t give him another chance, especially if you have children as you risk them being removed from your care.

I think then you need to leave - is your brother still there? Can you pack your stuff and go back with him? It isn’t simple to leave everything but this guy won’t change. Getting the police involved will unfortunately not change his character, as you are are there to maintain law only , but he needs mental health support and that is down to him. You need to look after yourself, and that means getting away.

Things will never get better, he will always be abusive. Do not expect police to referee again if you take no action against him, the y have better things to do.

I have been in this situation, leave this man at once.

Make the statement, contact woman's aid and get out. He'll kill you one day if you don't.

He's never going to change. You're the one who needs to take the action. Ask your brother for help.

Oh and please ignore comments about wasting police time. As frustrating as it is when DV victims won’t make a formal complaint, they would still rather you call in an emergency then suffer in silence.

The police are just frustrated as they know what will happen when they release him.

There is help out there, you can phone women aid who can put you in a refuge.