Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Violent DP and police statement - warning - triggering content!

135 replies

MrsMidgeMaisel · 23/04/2019 06:31

Hi - would like some advice please - no judgement.

Partner of 6 years assaulted me for the 5th time in 2 years last night. Usually he burns himself out but this time he was so so angry and I didn’t see an end coming. Also just so thoroughly fed up of his behaviour. I called the police. He left as soon as I rang them.

Anyway they’ve arrested him and he’s spent the night in the cells. They asked me last night to make a statement - I said I’d like to think about it overnight. I don’t want to make a statement! Their attitude and demeanour seemed to change, I felt they felt I was making it up maybe? I don’t want him to be charged, I just wanted him to stop and see the severity of what he had done. Will they / can they make me do a statement? They were recording everything anyway! I just want to forget about it now Sad I just wanted him to stop.

OP posts:
usernamefromhell · 24/04/2019 19:59

OP please take the advice of people on here and make a statement. He has assaulted you that many times, it will only escalate. You need to allow the police to do the job of protecting you.

Just for context: my exH has made threats to me and there have been a couple of isolated bits of violence -- much milder than what yours has done to you. I've reported every time. I've reported an innocuous breach of the Domestic Violence Protection Order he is subject to. I continue to report things far pettier than what yours is doing to you because I will not allow him to think he is in control of me.

If you don't make a statement you are tacitly giving him the OK to do it again, and the assaults will get worse and worse and your life is at risk. Don't give him that power over your life.

Original poster
MrsMidgeMaisel · 25/08/2019 11:17

Well it took me another 4 months but I have finally left. Strangely it wasn't even another violent incident that finally pushed me over the edge but him sneaking off to a stag do whilst missing a big family occasion as 'he couldn't afford to not work' . I accepted that as we needed the money only to find out later he wasn't working at all and had chosen to go on a stag do instead. That was it. I left him Friday and am staying with a friend until hopefully after Xmas and will then try and look for something more permanent.

I am struggling already Sad I know it's absolutely the right decision and I feel relieved. Right now I just can't believe it's finally over!

OP posts:
peonyfairy03 · 25/08/2019 11:26

I would make the statement it won’t stop. My friend went through this at first she didn’t want to press charges and the police officer said to her what if next it happens and we come to help and all we can do is carry you out in a wooden box. I know it’s hard but please file the statement my fiend did it and they were fantastic and she still has ongoing support from the police.

Chocrichtea · 25/08/2019 11:32

Yes you can still make a statement for the abuse. But also be aware I'm not sure if you know the cycle of abuse? It goes all lovely and nice to pull you back in. Then build up of tension, feels like walking on egg shells. Then an event eg. Physical beating. Then the abuser being remorseful and promising not to do it again and to change. And then the cycle begins again. Sound familiar? So I reckon he will beg for you back now you have left because you leaving was the event!
Also be careful leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous time. You need him out of your life. Block him and don't let him know where you are. If he begins harassing you then go straight to the police. They will give advice and guidance on what to do.
OP this is the 1st step to a new and happier life.

MmmBlowholes · 25/08/2019 11:49

You pair need to RTFT!

Fizzysours · 25/08/2019 12:11

Amazing news OP. Really happy for you. Accept that if you feel sad, it does not mean you made the wrong decision. Give yourself time. This guy could have blighted the rest of your life. Xxxxxxxx

GilbertMarkham · 25/08/2019 12:54

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

GilbertMarkham · 25/08/2019 12:55

Sorry, just seeing update.

Still worth reading that boom a few times though - the abuser profiles are especially worth a read.

PennyPittstop · 25/08/2019 13:00

It's not too late to make a statement now. You have got away from him which is wonderful news. His next partner might not be as fortunate and could be the woman he beats to death. Please, go back to the police today. Build yourself a new, better life without him.

GotBeatenUp · 25/08/2019 13:14

You can still make a statement. If he was violent towards you, he is likely to be violent again.

Mabelface · 25/08/2019 13:19

Good that you're out, massive step made. Now you do what you need to do to heal. You're not responsible for what he may do in the future, so don't take on that guilt.

Elieza · 25/08/2019 13:27

That’s great you are away and hopefully safe.

Make the statement. It’s better to be honest with most things in life and this is one. You are telling the truth about something that happened and others will decide if his behaviour is acceptable.

The statement may mean he gets court ordered to attend anger management classes and counselling to get over his childhood trauma and find better ways of dealing with his problems.

This could be the best thing you will ever do for him. This could let him finally get over his past and be happy. He’s in a vicious circle. And the next time he could kill someone. You or a new girlfriend, who knows you may be saving a life by doing this one little thing.

With treatment he could finally be happy. And you also deserve to be happy. Go make that statement. Flowers

Chloemol · 25/08/2019 14:06

You need to make the statement and get the charge resurrected. He is only going to carry on doing this to someone else, do you want someone else to go through what you have?

GotBeatenUp · 25/08/2019 14:16

Sorry to hijack a thread but I started this one:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/3670657-XP-beat-me-up-before-we-split-up-should-I-report-it
Any advice please?

Fonduefrolics · 25/08/2019 14:18

Hello OP. Glad to hear you’ve left him.
No doubt it’ll be hard at first but persevere and you’ll come through it.

What is it you’re struggling with right now, perhaps we could make some suggestions? No matter how hard it gets, please don’t go back x

Mabelface · 25/08/2019 14:31

Please stop trying to pass responsibility of what may happen to others in the future onto the OP. She's enough of her own shit to deal with.

hellenbackagen · 25/08/2019 16:54

Bloody well done op!!! 👍

So funny I saw this thread and though aye aye that's one I can help with and I'm all over it 😂.

Pleased for you I really am x

candycane222 · 25/08/2019 18:23

That's great news, well done!

notapizzaeater · 25/08/2019 18:30

Good, you finally left, sometimes it's the silliest thing ,that's the final straw

AlexaAmbidextra · 25/08/2019 18:57

In April 2017 he put his hands round your throat. You said you needed to leave. Now, 28 months later, you are still there and he is still violent and abusive. You have no children to consider. Why are you still with him?

AlexaAmbidextra · 25/08/2019 18:58

Sorry, just seen you’ve left. Well done.

Original poster
MrsMidgeMaisel · 26/08/2019 15:04

Struggling because despite it all I am distraught over the fact he doesn't even seem bothered! I feel like he never loved me at all (which I know his actions show he didn't anyway!)... It's hurting me that he doesn't care, isn't bothered, didn't seem to want to fight for me at all. And I feel ashamed for wanting him to - after everything he's done. Can't make sense of any of it in my head Sad

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 26/08/2019 19:08

Block him totally - you have no children with him so no ties.
He really is abusive and why would anyone put up with it.
Is it acceptable that a stranger hits you 4 times? He was your partner.
Keep out of his way. Block. Look at the Freedom programme.
It will take time but you will hopefully see you had a lucky escape.

Elieza · 26/08/2019 21:32

You’re doing well. Don’t worry if your heads messed up. Of course you want him to miss you and to be as hurt as you are, but the sad reality is that he’s not and you will accept that over the coming days as your head straightened out.

PS Don’t be lured back into the relationship though if you are lonely in a fortnights time and up he comes saying he misses you and he’s really sorry blah blah blah.....Just remind yourself that he doesn’t love you and he’s just using you and will undoubtedly hurt you and keep away from him. This is the start of a new chapter, one he’s not in! You don’t need a man in your life.
Be single until you get to know yourself again and then see if there’s anyone that takes your fancy if you feel ready to date again, just not him.

Holymoly0 · 27/08/2019 08:28

I’m really sorry you’ve been through this, but honestly you need to make a statement, if you don’t he’ll think he’s got away with it and just do it again. Why wouldn’t you want this man locked up? Even if he stops doing this to you doesn’t mean he won’t go and do it to another woman.

Contact Woman’s aid and please make the statement. He deserves to be locked up.

Take care and good luck x

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.