Violent DP and police statement - warning - triggering content!

[MrsMidgeMaisel]

Hi - would like some advice please - no judgement.

Partner of 6 years assaulted me for the 5th time in 2 years last night. Usually he burns himself out but this time he was so so angry and I didn’t see an end coming. Also just so thoroughly fed up of his behaviour. I called the police. He left as soon as I rang them.

Anyway they’ve arrested him and he’s spent the night in the cells. They asked me last night to make a statement - I said I’d like to think about it overnight. I don’t want to make a statement! Their attitude and demeanour seemed to change, I felt they felt I was making it up maybe? I don’t want him to be charged, I just wanted him to stop and see the severity of what he had done. Will they / can they make me do a statement? They were recording everything anyway! I just want to forget about it now I just wanted him to stop.

Well done on leaving him .

Please do the freedom programme and shore up your resistance so you never go back.

It's been almost a month now. He doesn't seem bothered at all and it hurts so much. I know I shouldn't care but I do. I should hate him for all he's done and part of me does but my head keeps questioning how he can be not bothered I've left? How he just doesn't care? After 6 and a half years was I really just nothing?? I'm distraught!

OP, his lack of care says nothing about your value as a person, and everything about his.

He has a total lack of empathy, otherwise he wouldn't be able to hit you. It hurts, but realising that he only ever thought of you as a tool - as someone he used to supply him with things (money, sex, love, entertainment) is where your freedom lies. That's on him, not on you. You could have been Princess Diana, Madonna, or the Virgin Mary, and he still would have felt nothing for you.

He felt the most when you first met - whereas you of course felt more as you got to know him. It's just the neurology of this type of person versus normal people.

He was vile and you are well-rid and you know it. You could look at Rhonda Freeman's Neuroinstincts website for more on the neurology of abuse. Others have mentioned the Freedom Programme, and it is well worth doing it.

I know it feels horrendous now, but you'll look back in a couple of years and wonder why you stayed so long, you really will.

Every day is a struggle to get up, go to work and paint a fake smile on. I do the same with everyone, friends, colleagues, family. Inside I do know I've made the right decision yet I'm pining desperately for him and want him desperately to show him that he loves me, cares for me. Wants me!

I talk all the talk that I know people expect of me, have changed my number, deactivated all social media... and it hurts he has accepted all of this and not even attempted to win me back! sometimes I genuinely think about running away and never coming back I am so low. I feel so mixed up because I know I should not feel this way but I just can't help it

I know six years is a long time but honestlyYou will get through it and have s good life. He isn't worth any of it.

It's all part of his control. Now he's controlling you and your emotions by not chasing you. To chase you would mean relinquishing control.

Keep going OP, you're doing great and you deserve someone who will treat you like you're the best person on earth.

@MrsMidgeMaisel

Every day is a struggle to get up, go to work and paint a fake smile on. I do the same with everyone, friends, colleagues, family. Inside I do know I've made the right decision yet I'm pining desperately for him and want him desperately to show him that he loves me, cares for me. Wants me!

Of course you do love.
This man committed violence against you and put you into a terrible emotional wringer. Are you aware of the concept of a trauma bond? The way you're feeling is very very normal and is in fact a sign that you are emotionally healthy. Read this article, it's about child abuse survivors but it has a good explanation of trauma bonding which also applies to adults:

<a class="break-all" href="https://web.archive.org/web/20150924063046/paceuk.info/trauma-bonding-child-sexual-exploitation/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">web.archive.org/web/20150924063046/paceuk.info/trauma-bonding-child-sexual-exploitation/

I feel so mixed up because I know I should not feel this way but I just can't help it

You do feel mixed up, of course you do, because you have been mixed up by the terrible experience you've had.

But I really really want you to understand that there is nothing wrong with you. Your current feelings are a sign that you are trying to recover. DO NOT mistake them as being a sign of something negative or bad inside you. They simply aren't.

Trauma bond recovery is REALLY difficult and feels horrendous because your brain will be absolutely screaming at you to return to the abuser for comfort, that's how they work. It is excruciating to go through BUT if you can make it for a few months you will find you hit the bottom and bounce, if that makes sense.

You are doing all the right things, being NC etc. This is exactly the thing you should be doing.

One piece of advice I have for you, is perhaps to reach out to one or two close, trusted folk in your life, or a counsellor, to confide how difficult it is emotionally at the moment, to get through this very hard stage of letting the bonds fade.

I suspect you feel ashamed that you feel this way, and that shame is misplaced. And if you let yourself wallow in the shame too much it will actually make it harder to recover. Break that silence, don't allow his behaviour and its effect be something that you are ashamed of.

It's good and healthy to turn to another person and say, listen, I am really struggling right now to hang on and get through this shitty time, can I lean on you for a few weeks and have a phone call with you every couple of days, etc. I bet they would be open to it. In those chats, try to focus on yourself and your feelings, not on your ex, if that makes sense.

Alternatively there is always counselling. Womens Aid might be able to help, or ringing Samaritans. Telling your story and sharing your emotions with another human being will help you get through this very hard time.

Wishing you nothing but peace and contentment in the coming years OP. You've been so brave. It must have been exhausting and terrifying for you, I'm so sorry.

You are mourning your marriage - the marriage that you should have had, to a decent man who didn’t abuse you. You are mourning your hopes and dreams for your life with him.

Your feelings - all of them - are entirely valid, and it will take time for you to work through them. But you have taken the biggest step, and you should be so proud of yourself. You are so much stronger than you feel at the moment, and things will get better. It may feel like 2 steps forward, 1 step back at the moment, but that will get better too.

You ARE amazing, and deserve the happiest of futures.

Just because his face and his actions don’t show he’s ‘bothered’ doesn’t mean he isn’t . But that’s irrelevant : he’s not good for you, move on he’s not worth it - and block him everywhere because he probably will come snivelling back, just make sure you’re not interested when he does

@MrsMidgeMaisel I also wanted to say, about him not seeming to be bothered, etc.

It's really important to understand that his mind isn't yours and you honestly will never know how he really felt / feels / etc.

You can analyze it till the cows come home but ultimately you just never ever know. Did he love you, did he not, is his silence a sign of him being caring very much and being devastated, or of him not caring at all? Or is it neither of those and he just knows how to upset and manipulate you by using silence... How can you ever know?

That's why I say, try to talk to someone in your life about YOU, not him. You don't know him, we never really know anyone, we just see their behaviour and tell ourselves a story about it. But you, you know yourself and that's the part to concentrate on. xx