Violent DP and police statement - warning - triggering content!

[MrsMidgeMaisel]

Hi - would like some advice please - no judgement.

Partner of 6 years assaulted me for the 5th time in 2 years last night. Usually he burns himself out but this time he was so so angry and I didn’t see an end coming. Also just so thoroughly fed up of his behaviour. I called the police. He left as soon as I rang them.

Anyway they’ve arrested him and he’s spent the night in the cells. They asked me last night to make a statement - I said I’d like to think about it overnight. I don’t want to make a statement! Their attitude and demeanour seemed to change, I felt they felt I was making it up maybe? I don’t want him to be charged, I just wanted him to stop and see the severity of what he had done. Will they / can they make me do a statement? They were recording everything anyway! I just want to forget about it now I just wanted him to stop.

Mrs it’s probably not that they don’t believe you, they always deny it. There may have been no evidence- especially if you didn’t make a statement.

How are you feeling now?

@hellenbackagen

It makes me cry when I think of it. I appreciated what the detective had done, but I was so embroiled with the prick, it was the only decision I was capable of making at the time.

If I had my time back, I'd have gone to court. I just didn't have the inner strength at the time.

This is so awful
I really hope you find it within yourself to make a statement. He wont stop, they never do, because they make it all your fault and they make you believe that too...
I stayed with a man for three years who used to beat the living daylights out of me.. he once but a chunk out of my face and he once stabbed me in the neck with a fork... but it was like I was insane, I thought it was all my fault and only I could help him change if I just tried harder. He eventually choked me until I blacked out and I was an absolute mess having panic attacks about being able to breathe all the time after that... someone rang the police on him when I tried to run away and he grabbed me by the hair in the street. I didnt press charges or make a statement but at least the police made me see it wasnt my fault. They told me he knew exactly what he was doing and that they could tell from the marks on me.

I always wished I'd made a statement because after I left (by travelling to live halfway across the country try without any of my belongings because I didnt go and get them) I heard that he broke his new girlfriends jaw.
Men that hit women like this dont do it because of you or anything you've done... they do it because of them. And they keep doing it as long as they are getting away with it. They rely on manipulating your sympathy and love.
Please find some anger somewhere within you. Make a statement. Do everything you can to help the police make sure he never attacks a woman again. You dont deserve to be treated like this. It doesnt matter what you did or said or didnt do or say, it doesnt matter what look you gave him or where you went...there is absolutely no excuse... it's not about you. This man is an abuser and he deserves to be in prison before he seriously injures or even kills someone.

sunlov

Glad you found a way out regardless.

👍

My ex now has a new girlfriend and a newborn baby. Last I heard from him was last February 2018 where he sent a Whatsapp message 'Help me'. So he pretty much instantly found another sucker and moved in with her and got her pregnant. They appear to be still together, so maybe it was me who was at fault.

My goodness BattenburgIsland. That sounds absolutely terrifying. I'm astounded at how badly one human being can treat another.

I'm glad you are out of that situation and that life is treating you kindly. 🌷

He wasn’t going to admit it though was he?

And if you don’t make a statement (I’m not saying you have to at all!) then there’s not much else they can do except wait for the next call and hope that you’re not another statistic, ie a woman killed by her partner.

I hope you stay with your family when you get back. I hope you never go back near him.

OP THIS is why it was so important to give a statement & you still should. This is why the police seemed frustrated by your refusal to provide one.

Abusers I have learnt always deny, deny, deny. This is why he will never learn he is wrong - when you break up he will paint you as the bad guy, why he will go on to do this to another woman one day.

Unless you are showing really obvious signs of injury the police’s hands are tied. They need your statement to proceed most likely. So it can go to court. So he can be charged & face consequences for his lying.

Please don’t be dissuaded from providing a statement thinking they won’t believe you. Abusers always say it was self defence or you plain old made it up. Your statement is the truth, it is powerful & you deserve to be heard.

This will only escalate, please keep your brother close & GTFO ASAP

Why on earth would he admit to anything when there's no official statement saying otherwise?

OP I can understand you not wanting to make a statement and just wanting the police to give him a warning so it stops, but unfortunately hes not going to. Could you pack up today and leave with your brother. You don't have kids tying you to him, so no need to stay.

@stormtreader when I experienced DV & the night of the police, felt like my situation must be different. Our love was different. My man was different. When the police said he denied having strangled me & said I attacked HIM it honestly broke my heart. Remember crying in the police station & said “how could he lie?” & they explained not to worry, they always lie. I felt like was in a movie, how could MY love be one of THEM ?

It’s hard to understand unless you’ve been there. You honestly believe your partner is different, just damaged, a good person most of the time or at least deep down...

It takes time, soul searching & often therapy to unpack all your feelings, uncover the fog & come to understand that you are just a statistic, your situation is not special...it’s so sad to realise & it can take a long time for the love to leave your soul. Because OUR love was real. Unlike theirs, which is selfish, self centred & an act. These people don’t love, they manipulate. But the OP will need time to accept this.

@prawnsword I HAVE been there - I have had to grab my bag and turn up on a friends doorstep with clothes covered in food where he'd shoved my face into the dinner I'd made, asking to stay for a few days while I found somewhere to go.

When I see someone not making a statement, I see all the times down the road where the police will be called again and again, to escalating injuries each time, with him getting to walk away at the end of it with a clean sheet, and I want all these men to have the only consequence they care about - other men knowing and judging their behaviour.

@StormTreader

I was pretty much the same. My first beating I got my head shoved into a pot of stew! After several hours he fell asleep and I managed to escape, with my head and hair caked in stew! And 2 black eyes, a bruised jaw and a burst lip.

But I knew he was different.

Op, there are none of us here who are going to tell you that it's all going to be ok now. None of us. Some people have experienced it and know what you're thinking, others haven't experienced it but might have worked with victims. I wouldn't mind the other lot who think you're stupid for staying.
There's a reason why there's a unanimous response on here. Think about it. And yes, it gets worse and worse and worse every time.

was he released without charge because of the lack of statement?

can your brother take you to make a statement now?

am I right in thinking you called the police because you thought he would kill you - he will, given the chance. If there's any way to make a statement now and get him arrested again, please please do that.

not a word that comes out of his mouth is relevant. His actions are relevant.

@stormtreader am so sorry that happened to you. I understand how frustrating it is when you’re on the other side, reading posts from someone who is still stuck in the cycle of abuse. Totally agree that only judgement & being looked down upon by good men & facing consequences is the only way these abusers will learn.

Abusers seem to always have someone close in their lives they look/ed up to, admire or influenced by that condones misogyny (friends/father) or is an apologist for their behaviour who thinks the sun shines out their arse (mother)

I imagine the police still want the OP to give a statement & perhaps over the coming days she will feel more in a position to do so.

I remember your first thread. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. You need to get away from this man. He will seriously hurt you. Please, if not for yourself for the people who love you.

He could kill you. Your other thread said he's already had his hands around your throat, and what he did this time was so bad you had to call the police. Get away from him as soon as possible, and if you feel strong enough, make a statement to the police. Good luck, OP, you can do this.

Firstly, well done you for having the courage to call the police.
Now, you need to face facts: this man is NOT going to stop, he is NOT going to notice the severity of his actions. And, YOU are allowing him to treat you this way.
No judgement from me about either of you, but, could you please try and put yourself in your brothers shoes for a moment. He sees his sister in danger and loving someone who keeps putting your in danger, he gets up in the middle of the night to help. You keep going round in the same circle. Would it be alright with you if your mother/ sister/daughter/ friend was tolerating this? I know you know the answer. Your brother is showing you unconditional love ❤️ use it to move on, you deserve better. And you have taken the hardest step x
Love and hugs

Yes- good for you, get back home, you can sign yourself off for a few days if need be. Don’t let anything get in the way of you putting some distance between you and him. He is not treating you right.

@Orangeballon - Do not expect police to referee again if you take no action against him, the y have better things to do

Can we please refrain from posting comments that are likely to discourage the op from seeking help should this happen again. It's not fair to give her the false impression that police won't attend in the future, it's dangerous and a lie.

I hope the police prosecute him anyway.

Thank you for all the comments.

Plan is to stay here until Sunday, go back to where I live Sunday so I can go back to work Monday but to stay with friend / colleague until Thursday then back to my mum’s. I have a long weekend booked with brother and sister for the bank holiday and we are flying early next Friday and not back until Tuesday so I realistically do not have to face him for 2 weeks.

It’s going to give me a fortnight to think about thinks and make plans.

Waiting to hear from the domestic abuse service the police were referring me to.

I spoke to a counsellor today again through my employer and they suggested writing it all down and putting a timeline together, to get it out of my head. Reading the old thread has made me realise how much things have escalated from then until now, and how it will continue to do so if I stay.

Good idea to write it all down
Take yourself in the future. How do you want your life to be this time next year? It absolutely doesn’t need to be like this does it?

The violence will not just stop if you call the police but then don't follow through on making a statement.

My friend has done this several.times. She has had a terrible life but now has a number of friends to support her. She is always asking for advice but won't take it.

She has had the police out a number of times but doesn't follow through because she's worried about the effect on his career.

It is so frustrating to try and help somebody who won't help themself. I have had to stand back and just hope things don't escalate any further because it was just taking up too much headspace.

Making the statement is the best way to try and stop it happening ..and leaving him of course. Why don't you go home with your brother and start to rebuild your life again nearer to your family and support system? If you stay then more fool you.