Violent DP and police statement - warning - triggering content!

[MrsMidgeMaisel]

Hi - would like some advice please - no judgement.

Partner of 6 years assaulted me for the 5th time in 2 years last night. Usually he burns himself out but this time he was so so angry and I didn’t see an end coming. Also just so thoroughly fed up of his behaviour. I called the police. He left as soon as I rang them.

Anyway they’ve arrested him and he’s spent the night in the cells. They asked me last night to make a statement - I said I’d like to think about it overnight. I don’t want to make a statement! Their attitude and demeanour seemed to change, I felt they felt I was making it up maybe? I don’t want him to be charged, I just wanted him to stop and see the severity of what he had done. Will they / can they make me do a statement? They were recording everything anyway! I just want to forget about it now I just wanted him to stop.

Thank god there is no children. You can decide to stay in that situation but they shouldnt have to live with it. You make it sound like you want to hear from him

OP - you want him to stop? you want him to see that what he's doing is wrong?

He knows.

He won't stop. He won't have a 'Damascus' moment. He won't stop abusing you. He doesn't care.

The police are there to protect you, you know. Not to damage his life (He is the one doing that).

A charge against your Thug-partner is his fault. Not yours.

What he's done is his fault. Not yours.

Get help from the Police. From WA. From the Freedom Programme. From anyone else who can help you - there are agencies out there who can help you!

I swear some people just come on these threads to be argumentative and to make others feel shit? Where did I suggest I want to hear from him @CupcakeDrama ? I said I’d heard nothing from neither him or the police. The police said they’d call me this morning but I’ve had nothing. I don’t know if I should call 111 to see if he’s been released or just to leave it. I’ve taken the day off and I’m concerned he could turn up at any time unannounced and I have no idea what mood he will be in! Aggressive / apologetic / apathetic! So no I do not ‘want to hear from him’ - but I’m worried about the lack of contact and the uncertainty about his frame of mind.

The DVPO - does anyone know much about this and whether they’d put one in place without a formal statement?

OP - make a statement. Get a charge against him. Go to the GP and get that paper trail - you may need it in court.

Get a Non-mol so that he can't come near you.

Get him off any rent agreement, or sell up if you own. Move away.

One day, look back and marvel that you were ever so scared that you stopped the Police from Protecting you.

Is there a reason you don't want to make a formal statement?
He's abusive and nasty and he is dangerous.
You should do all you can to keep him away from you.
You should also make that statement. Start to take back control of your own life.
Can you go back with your brother?
Your abuser has isolated you by moving you away from them.
Get back to family and leave this nasty man to himself.
Definitely call Womens Aid. They can help you with lots of things.
Why do you feel financially trapped?

Police can only hold him 24 hours.

It will have to go to cps as its domestic related.

A dvpn May be applied for if cps don't charge due to lack of evidence if you won't assist.
Dvpn - domestic violence protection notice which after court hearing becomes dvpo- domestic violence protection order - legally enforceable so if that's the route then you cannot have any contact with him for 28 days. If he turns up and you allow him
Back he will be arrested and remanded for next available court.

I've had 2 domestics this last couple of months where cps went ahead anyway and issued a witness summons to compel the victim to
Court.

My advice is assist and let police do their job.

I'm a police officer and I do find it frustrating when this happens. I'm glad cps had the balls to go ahead with my last couple of nasty cases regardless.
If you call police in my force area now we are compelled to arrest and deal
As best we can whether victim supports prosecution or not.

This relationship WILL end one day, because you will either prosecute him/leave him because of the violence, or he will leave you for someone else (like I say, it's all about the control and he may decide at his leisure that he fancies controlling someone else who is more of a challenge once he has broken you), or he will kill you.

This.

Of course he will come back to you today or tomorrow. You know he will. Why would you not make a statement?

I get you OP. You just wanted him to stop at the time.
Police are now trying to persuade you to put a permanent stop to it by making a statement.

Can I ask how badly you were injured? I ask because I think there are certain levels of injury where they might not need your statement to prosecute (though I stand to be corrected on that).

With my ex, after about the 6th time for me too, I did make the statement. They had managed to lay 3 seperate charges. I think they were GBH, false imprisonment (something like that) and criminal damage (he had broken my laptop and phone). So I made the statement, and the day before the court case, we (yes we) left the country as he was going to be doing time. The Detective was so annoyed with me when I told him I wouldn't be going to court. He was like 'Sunlov, I've spent hours working on this case!'.

I think it can be frustrating for them.

Yes the abuse continued. Yes he's an ex now. Happy in a new relationship with a new baby by all accounts!

*sonlov

You think it can be frustrating?

When you've taken statements, built a prosecution file, taken photo and exhibited them, arrested and interviewed a suspect, submitted a crime and dash risk assessment, hung around for hours for solicitors, spent hours on the phone with cps, had 3 or 4 cps action plans to work through with all the additional requests and work that takes, finally got a job to court with all the time and money that costs to find out the day before the victim left the country with the defendant.....

Mmm. Frustrating doesn't cover it. Wasting police time does.

@MrsMidgeMaisel
Partner of 6 years assaulted me for the 5th time in 2 years last night.
FIVE times in two years OP? Why do you put up with this?

Usually he burns himself out but this time he was so so angry and I didn’t see an end coming.
Why stay in a relationship where the abuse is escalating? He could seriously hurt you next time.

I don’t want him to be charged, I just wanted him to stop and see the severity of what he had done
If he was the type of person who'd see the severity of his actions would he not have stopped after the first time?

If there are no apparent consequences to his actions - why would he change?

It’s taken me months and months to even pluck up courage to get counselling. Let alone this!
Good that you are getting counselling- that is a brave step. Unfortunately, as you are finding, that's not enough.

Take the steps to protect yourself OP. Stay safe.

Please leave him op, he won’t change, you can’t fix him with love and he will destroy your mental health and maybe kill you one day. You need to get help and support NOW. Go to you GP as soon as you can as they will know who you can contact for the best support. Please bring yourself to make that statement and ask the police about some sort of order that will keep this man away from you in the future. This man does not love you, abusers love nobody, they are incapable of it. They are driven by control.
Nobody on here is giving you a hard time, I think they are probably shocked and concerned that you have been assaulted 5 times over a 2 year period.
Please look after yourself

Not sure if this works but this was me :

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2876426-Sad-lonely-confused-long-term-DP-shall-I-give-u

Reading that back it is so apparent how much this has escalated

OP have been in a similar sort of situation recently & now staying in a women’s refuge. I understand still feeling in love with your abuser - I really do. People who haven’t been through this can find it difficult to believe you love someone who can be violent & abusive towards you. I thought it would feel so much easier to leave if someone laid their hands on me.

The thing is, that you are trauma bonded to him - your mind is craving making up with him, the part where he is sorry, those times when he is gentle & kind after he hurts you is incredibly addictive. It’s also dangerous because the violence always escalates.

Has he ever put his hands around your throat ? Because statistically if he has, you are at a far greater risk of being one day murdered by this man.

It’s hard & scary but the police are frustrated because they spend so much time & effort to lock abusive men up, only to have their partners forgive them. They know they will see you again, or the next woman he hurts. They are trying to create a paper trail - the ONLY way these men learn is from having consequences for their actions.

This is why giving a statement is so, so important. I know you feel like you don’t want to, but you are a victim of an abusive man. He will only get worse. He will never not be abusive towards you. He will never be the man you deserve. The man you think you love is not real. The abuse is real & he needs to experience legal consequences for his actions.

I am not sure the laws in your country but if the police want you to make this statement then help will be available to you - forget the finances. If you have to leave with the clothes on your back Do. It. How much is your life worth to you in $$$ ? There is no price worth your life. My thoughts are with you.

You are stronger than you feel or know

Xo

This sounds horrible I'm so sorry.

As you mentioned above, I just wanted to comment that it sounds like the abuse has escalated. And I'm afraid that probably means it will continue to escalate.

I would encourage you to get as much support as possible via women's aid and other charities, and to put your safety first. Please don't hold on to hope that he will improve, as so far he has just gotten progressively worse. It's more dangerous every time.

I would definitely take professional advice about this.

If you are in the UK you can go to your local Council and they will give you accomodation, if that's one of your big concerns.

Actually, in the case of DV you can approach ANY council, so you could always go with your brother and talk to council and charities in his area if that feels safer

OP I’ve been where you are now. It fucks your head up when they batter you but then you don’t want to get them in trouble for it.

It’s because you’ve been conditioned to think it’s not that bad. It is love and deep down you know it is.

I managed to get out because I focused on my child’s safety.

Dig deep love. This man could knock your teeth out next or even worse kill you.

The police will be pissed off because they would already have done a shit load of work on it.

However, if you push this through, charge him. He may get a light sentence. Not even custodial. But this allows him to be out in the data base if he meets some one else and starts knocking them about too.

Take care

Just to mention but the police could decide to prosecute him if they wanted to with your statement. Sorry you are going through this.

Meadow that tends to be the point of taking a statement.

It's a cps decision anyway and they can and do in certain circumstances prosecute without a statement and summons the victim to court .

The whole point in giving a statement is that it's evidence for court . It assists the prosecution. It's not taken for fun. It just helps if the victim is willing to assist.

OP, what do you want to be the outcome of this? How do you want your life to be?

If you don't make a statement, what do you think your life will actually look like?

Sorry I meant without the op's statement.

He’s been released without charge. He’s flat out denying it all! Said to me, ‘I told the police you’re a very honest person and it’s very unusual for you to lie’. I didn’t give a statement but I did answer the questionnaire with the very helpful officer that phoned this morning and she’s referred me to a local domestic violence service... I’m waiting for a call back from the GP - hoping to get signed off for a week so I can go ‘home’ to family. I’m making the first steps to getting out, I can’t do this anymore.

I’ve just read your other thread from 2017, you know you have no choice but to get out now. Run, run far and fast

ofcourse he was going to deny it, did you really expect any different?

Op
I don't know what you expected? If you have no visible injury and didn't assist by giving a statement then the cps hands are tied .

They tend to carry on regardless if there is good evidence like injuries that the officer witnessed.
He was realistically always going to be released without charge if there was no other evidence and
You wouldn't give a statement!
The police can't do this for you. I'm glad you are making plans to leave . Don't give him chance to change your mind.