Violent DP and police statement - warning - triggering content!

[MrsMidgeMaisel]

Hi - would like some advice please - no judgement.

Partner of 6 years assaulted me for the 5th time in 2 years last night. Usually he burns himself out but this time he was so so angry and I didn’t see an end coming. Also just so thoroughly fed up of his behaviour. I called the police. He left as soon as I rang them.

Anyway they’ve arrested him and he’s spent the night in the cells. They asked me last night to make a statement - I said I’d like to think about it overnight. I don’t want to make a statement! Their attitude and demeanour seemed to change, I felt they felt I was making it up maybe? I don’t want him to be charged, I just wanted him to stop and see the severity of what he had done. Will they / can they make me do a statement? They were recording everything anyway! I just want to forget about it now I just wanted him to stop.

They will be incredibly frustrated because you are letting him get away with it. They will have seen this many, many times before - and now they also know that they will see this many, many times again in your case alone.

This is only the start of the assaults which will require you to call the Police. Now that the Police have been called and he's 'got away with it', he will know he can ramp up the violence and you won't make a statement.

I have been there, and in the end I made a statement, and kept on making statements, because a couple of Police stayed with me for over an hour and persuaded me of the truth of what they were saying - that if I didn't make a statement, they would be carrying me out in a box one day. At that point, they were going to prosecute him anyway because of the evidence of their own eyes when they arrived. Luckily for me they also had photographs taken by my boss when I'd gone to work after beatings.

Even if you make a statement, things may not go further on this occasion. But if you are going to choose to stay, you need this statement as part of the evidence for if he is prosecuted in the future.

But please leave. You are not financially trapped, you are 'choosing to stay for financial reasons'. Keep phrasing it that way, however harsh it sounds, because that then opens up the choose to NOT stay for financial reasons.

Please go back to where you have support. He has deliberately isolated you and made you dependent on him - it's what they all do. This is no longer love - it is trauma bonding and addiction.

Another weird thing about DV is that you don't understand how much in danger you were until you are out. It's because of dissociation. If he were a stranger who had done this to you, you would prosecute. Why is it different when it is someone who is supposed to love you? This is evidence he doesn't love you, he only wants to control you.

Please break that control while you still can.

This relationship WILL end one day, because you will either prosecute him/leave him because of the violence, or he will leave you for someone else (like I say, it's all about the control and he may decide at his leisure that he fancies controlling someone else who is more of a challenge once he has broken you), or he will kill you. If you end it now, you end it on your terms, not his. Believe me, the effect on your self-esteem is worth ending it on your terms, however difficult it feels now.

Moving back to where you have support will also take away his ability to stalk you.

The bit that stood out for me was ‘I don’t want him to be charged, I just wanted him to stop and see the severity of what he had done’.
This is a really common ‘trap’ to fall into with abusers, thinking that if only they really understood how bad their behaviour was and what impact it has then they’d be full of remorse and stop it. They won’t (even if they go on best behaviour for a while to lure you back in). I’m so sorry you’re in this situation and I hope you find a way out of it.

You don't realise how far you have come just by taking the steps to call the police last night OP so well done for that💐💐

It too took me a long time to pluck up the courage to involve the police,
But time and time again I refused to read charges, thinking it would give him the shock he needed to stop treating me in such a despicable way, but in reality it didn't deter him because he knew there was still no consequence for his actions. I had a detective sat in my living room pleading with me to press charges,and I still didn't....it was only when I actually fled and he started harassing my daughter via her phone that I took action and made a formal statement against him, all in all from the first hit to that statement it took me almost 7 years to see him for the bullying piece of shit that he is, the police will be disappointed because they can't actually help you, they see this day on day out and unfortunately some women don't survive

If you don't take a stand now he will just carry on believe me, even if you don't feel strong enough to press charges I urge you to get in touch with women's aid and seek some advice, or ring the counselling service up they may be able to help you....
I really hope you're ok today, feel free to message me if you need a chat 💖

Life is too short. Please please go with your brother and leave. Make a statement before you go. Do it. Or you will look back and regret your life with this man

Please don't stay with someone who treats you like this. He could kill you one day whether he means to or not. Can you go back with your brother for a while to get some breaths space?

I don’t want him to be charged, I just wanted him to stop and see the severity of what he had done
Unfortunately that isn't going to happen. He may use words to that effect but it won't be real. There will be a next time.
Please understand that the police's frustration is because they are experienced in DV.
To reiterate what others above have said please reconsider and make a statement but more importantly leave with your brother today. Put yourself first.

The problem is op he won't stop!

He won't stop because every time he does this he gets away with it.

I know it's scary to do this but if I was you I would take this chance as an escape.

Just think of how scared you felt when he was threatening/ attacking you. You don't ever want to feel like that again do you?

Firstly, I hope you are ok. Secondly, please understand this is not your fault.

I will share my very similar experiences of this. DH with mental health and addiction issues. Occasionally lost it and lashed out just like yours has. Police called. I never wanted him to be charged, just to make it stop. The Police would arrest and take him away. I would make a statement, as would he (seperately). I would tell them what happened truthfully. He would never admit anything. They wouldn't have enough evidence to charge him and he would be released once sober. He would return calm and full of promises to stop drinking and change (he was never violent before his drink problem). I would believe him, then weeks/months later it would happen again.

Make a statement, if only to get it on record. What he says to them is up to him. It is not your job to protect him, after all, he doesn't protect you.
If he is charged he will not be allowed near you or to contact you (mine almost was once which is how I know this) If he is not charged he is free to come back. What are you more scared of?

Firstly I hope you are physically ok. As for the police - they cannot protect you unless you make a statement. They do see your situation a lot, they also have seen women who have let their partners return end up in hospital or worse.

You need to let them help you, you need to make him leave

do you have children together?

Just to be clear, this happened half a dozen times at least. He had assaulted me three times before I first called the Police. Then I did it everytime thereafter to try to make him stop. Guess what? He still didn't stop. The Police can't help if you won't even try to work with them. Make a statement and get out of this relationship.

HE is escalating and yesterday did not stop. Unless you leave and press charges he will continue to escalate and next time you may not be able to call

This is a really common ‘trap’ to fall into with abusers, thinking that if only they really understood how bad their behaviour was and what impact it has then they’d be full of remorse and stop it.

They know full well the severity...that's why they do it.

You can’t protect yourself whilst you’re protecting him. Please make the statement.

You've been through a lot since yesterday. You've been attacked and were scared. You are still scared, overwhelmed and emotional. If like I was, you are in an emotional scary fog and just want it to go away, you aren't able to make clear decisions. Just let others, who know best and are experienced, make the decisions for you. Be guided by the police, take their advice. If you just do it, you can probably have some peace without being scared as you would be if he returns and in time you will feel stronger and clearer.

Please phone them and make a statement before he's released

Haha wanted him to see the severity?? He obviously already knew...or is he that stupid??

Short term you need to make a statement and leave him. Your post is terrifying to read

You also need to do the Freedom Programme and / or speak to someone at women's aid to help you see how wrong this is and find a safe future.

Hello OP
I am a police officer. I work in a safeguarding unit dealing with domestic abuse. I'm sorry you're going through this.

The officers will not have been disbelieving, but as others have said, they will have been frustrated that your shit of a DH hasn't hurt you enough yet that you're willing to support a prosecution.
I say yet because the other reason they'll be downcast is because they anticipate seeing you again in a few months. Or a year. You never know how long it'll be or what state the person is in when they finally are seen by police again.

I would remind you that you really don't have to make a statement, it's entirely your decision.
However, if there is evidence for the assault, and it sounds as though the officers were wearing cameras so that recording will be evidence or your 'first account', and depending on what your husband says (I bet you ANYTHING he'll say you started it or you provoked him) they might choose to prosecute him anyway, without your support.

I recommend you speak to national domestic violence team and Women's Aid. These organisations can help you make a decision and are normally more diplomatic and sensitive than most police officers.

Don't ever be afraid to call police in these situations. It's absolutely not wasting our time - you were scared, and he was assaulting you. A record will be on our system that you called and he was arrested but that you didn't want to support - it will still be recorded locally.
You did the right thing.

You might not be ready to leave him yet but please consider it, consider what he needs to have done to you before you Are ready to leave. Have you got kids? Has he harmed you in front of them?

Hope you feel better soon and you find the strength to leave him. I promise you he won't stop what he's doing. If anything it will become more severe and more frequent.
Good luck.

Good luck OP. I really hope you can find the strength to leave him.

Oh love, it won't stop. By not making a statement, you're showing him he can get away with this because even a night in the cells is followed by....nothing. No consequences. You'll be in more danger than ever.
Please leave. It will only get worse. I hope your brother is helping you see sense.
You need to protect yourself. Cooperate with the police. You may end up saving your own life

I don’t want him to be charged, I just wanted him to stop and see the severity of what he had done - he won't. why would he? there are no consequences for him - you call the Police and he can laugh in their faces. Because you won't let them DO THEIR JOBS and charge him with violence against you.

And he'll come out and do worse to you next time. Maybe a year, maybe a few weeks, maybe later today- he'll do worse to you . Because he doesn't like you, love you or want you for more than a cook/sex toy/punchbag.

Get him out. Charge the violent thug with assualt and keep him out.

You can do better. Be strong.

I hope to fuck that you don’t have children and never bring children into this.
You think he is going to stop and life will be rosy,not going to happen.
The police see this time and time and time again.Man arrested and then partner doesn’t want to press charges.

Their police don’t think your wasting their time, their scared and frustrated as they think the next time they see you, you may be dead.

Still not heard from the police today, nor him. Not sure what’s going on - I don’t even know which police station he’s at! I have spoken to a counsellor and she has recommended that I see my GP and get this all documented. Also that I get in touch with charities re: abuse ie women’s aid and has recommended the freedom programme. She mentioned DVPO and that the police should have offered this last night but they didn’t mention it? She said if I don’t want him to come home he can be out of the house for 28 days. And no to those asking, no children thankfully.