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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The next stage of my life WILL be better...

998 replies

Dumbledior · 15/07/2007 19:49

New thread for me to moan...

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Dumbledior · 19/07/2007 14:35

Thanks Tanne and Lou. Yes, he is coming tonight. He has been trying really hard because I left my 'Men are from Mars ...' book in the loo. He read some of it and said it is 'spot on'. I have noticed that he is now encouraging me to talk about things and is showing an interest, so matbe some of it is hitting home!

Lou, how was the date? Sorry I was not on MSN again lst night. I fell asleep at 8.15pm

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Tanee58 · 19/07/2007 14:40

Hi Dior, yes, he does sound like a classic Men are from Mars case...can he change? Either way, very glad he's going tonight.

Lou, another date? - you're in demand! Where do you find them?

Right, I HAVE to do some work now - I've malingered for long enough.

Good luck for tonight Dior, keep strong .

lou33 · 19/07/2007 16:03

well thats good he is trying and has said he will go to relate tonight, will be thinking of you

my date? lol, well he was v nice and wants to see me again but i think i need someone a bit more confident in themselves

i should give up really as all i am doing is comparing htem to my exbf, so they wont ever match up will they?

Dumbledior · 19/07/2007 16:22

Why don't you start expecting them to be like ex-h and then you will always be pleasantly surprised . Gl;ad he was nice though.

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Dumbledior · 19/07/2007 16:25

Tanee - he is a classic case. In the past we had a massive row because he wanted two days out of two weeks together, to play a new computer game. I suppose that is the 'retreating into his cave' scenario. I reacted really badly because we didn't live together at that point and two weeks together would have been lovely in my eyes. Now I would welcome two days without him!

I am dreading tonight . I know it is over, but the fact that he has been trying is making me feel less angry towards him and more like giving him another chance. But how many times can I do it? My first thread on ds' first birthday reminded me that he hasn't changed in 5 years!

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lou33 · 19/07/2007 16:29

thats the thing dior, when you suddenyl realise how many second chances you have given, how things haven't changed and the feeling of doom in your stomach at the thought of spending any more of your life so unhappy, i think you know then it's time to do something

Dumbledior · 19/07/2007 16:38

But he can be such a genuinely nice man Lou. He is still not coming near me, although he offered to come up and be with me when I was lying down at 8pm last night. I said no because I didn't want the tv on. It did feel nice that he wanted to though. He just doesn't seem to have any affection for me, although I know he would not show any because I am not IYKWIM. So it doesn't mean that there isn't any.

Oh, I'm so confused. I just can't carry on feeling unloved and sexless.

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lou33 · 19/07/2007 16:50

i'm sure he can dior, my exh can be too, or used to be

i got an email from him today btw

Tanee58 · 19/07/2007 18:27

Dior, no one's denying he can be nice, and kind, or you wouldn't have got together with him in the first place. But what has come through so clearly, not just in the months I've followed your recent threads, but in that thread from 5 years ago, is that he doesn't give you what you need - and you don't give him what HE needs either. You do have to want the same things, to stay together. And it sounds like you can never be what you want to each other. If that's your gut feeling, the kindest thing to BOTH of you is to finish as amicably as possible and give yourselves both a chance to find that someone who IS what you want, who will make you feel happy, secure, fancied and loved. Just friendship is NOT enough. I speak as one who knows.

Good luck tonight.

Dumbledior · 19/07/2007 18:29
Sad
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lou33 · 19/07/2007 18:43

tanee is right dior

Dumbledior · 19/07/2007 22:19

Tonight was a bit disappointing. The counsellor did home in on h and I could see that h was getting pissed off. He was perceptive again, but h felt bullied and misunderstood. To be fair to him, the counsellor was fairly aggressive in his probing, but I could see that he was trying to get an emotional reaction from h, rather than a logical one.

At the end, he shook h's hand and gave mine a squeeze. I think he is definitely more on my 'side' IYKWIM. H is much friendlier after this session, because he did not feel like my punch-bag, although he did say that he felt like it was all meant to be his fault. He still insists that my depression is making things like this, although he accepts that it might be making me say 'I'm not taking this anymore'. He accepts that he has faults.

As we were driving home, we passed G crossing the road . I waved to him and he gave me a knowing grin. H asked who I was waving at. When I told him, he said, 'Tosser - I should have run him over'...

It seems that the fundamental problems with us are the way we communicate. We each expect the other to know what we need. H feels that I can't be bothered to try, but in reality I have just gone past the point where it feels important to try.

As we were walking back to the car, he got arsy and did the 'tbh, I feel like calling it a day', so I said maybe we should. I said that, at the very least, we can use the sessions to learn to have an amicable split. I don't think he really meant it though. I said that I obviously want to try and sort things out because I was the one who wanted to have the sessions.

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lou33 · 19/07/2007 22:21

how did he react when you said maybe you shuld?

Dumbledior · 19/07/2007 22:21

He is now being all nice, so the 'split' thing was to try and get me to back down.

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lou33 · 19/07/2007 22:21

be v honest with yourself now and tell us what you really want to do?

Dumbledior · 19/07/2007 22:22

He got a little more agressive in his 'your depression is the root of all evil' Lou...

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Dumbledior · 19/07/2007 22:23

I really don't know. I feel like he has been a part of me for so long that I could not exist without him.

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lou33 · 19/07/2007 22:23

because he doesnt want to admit his part

am on msn if you need me

lou33 · 19/07/2007 22:25

well you know thats not true really dont you?

i am not saying this is the same but i felt like that for a while wrt exh, i think thats what he wanted me to think, hence the chip chip chip away at me and my confidence, making sure i wouldnt be strong enough to go

Dumbledior · 19/07/2007 22:26

I know it isn't true, but I have known him so long that I feel a reliance on him.

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lou33 · 19/07/2007 22:31

it's habit thats all

Dumbledior · 19/07/2007 22:37

He does this thing where I say it is effectively over, in a round-about way - to which he then makes out that we could be happy if I was prepared to make that effort. I then feel that I must be wrong and back down. I vow to make the effort.

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sallysparrow · 19/07/2007 22:56

Dior, my P used to say it was the depression making me feel the way I did. But then I reaslised how much i enjoyed some things, and how other things so often went sour. And I realised that things only went sour when he was involved.

And I became fed up wishing he would stop giving everybody advice about how to run their lives, when they usually knew more about what they were talking about than he did.

How can you be happy if it all means effort? P used to say you have to work at a relationship. I think thats why I stayed so long - I felt I was doing a good thing, working at it.

Which would be ok - if i was getting anything from it.

The same for you - you are going round in circles, he wants somthing to blame (eg your depression) when perhaps there is nothing to blame. maybe he would be happier too, but is too scared?

I know that feeling of better the devil you know. It makes it so easy to stay with what you are familiar with, even if its not making you happy.

I think its thanks to being on MN, hearing from women who were obviously genuinely happy with their husbands and partners, that I realised i was kidding myself.

(Wow, that glass of rose was bigger than i thought. Im rambling a bit!)

Dumbledior · 19/07/2007 23:05

There are two mums in ds' class who are lovely, and so in love with their h. Their husbands love them too and it is obvious that they are so happy. That is all I want but I am not sure I am capable of loving in that way. I hope I would be but I worry that h is right and I can't muster the effort for anyone.

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Dumbledior · 20/07/2007 07:37

This morning, he came into the shower to say goodbye, and went to go without kissing me. When I made it clear that I was upset, he said, 'Well, you never kiss me goodbye when you go anywhere, so why should I? You never seem to want to kiss me in the morning.' I turned my back and he said, 'Well, DO you want me to kiss you? I never get any feedback. I'm not a mind reader'. I think he was trying to get me to say that I do want him. I think he is feeling scared and upset, and trying to regain a position of power or at least some semblence of 'I don't care'.

What I want is him to WANT me and give me a proper kiss goodbye, not just a chaste peck on the lips. I don't think he is capable of that passion unless I am thin and I feel like a dried up old woman around him.

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