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Original poster

MIL forgot to cook my dinner!

360 replies

NannaNoodleman · 20/04/2019 21:37

DH, DS, DD, & I went to PILs' house for the day.

There's a back story and it hasn't been the easiest relationship but we're all making an effort for the children.

Anyway, MIL served up food for the children and as I was helping the kids with their food she served up food for the adults. She served up food for my BIL & his wife, DH's Dad, my DH, and herself.

DH said "what about Nanna" and she laughed and said she'd forgotten but I could have an extra slice of pizza later (for tea - I didn't! ).

Is it possible she could've forgotten my dinner? I usually know how many people I'm catering for.

What passive aggressive message is she trying to send me?

OP posts:
BrilliantYou · 20/04/2019 23:08

They all sound lovely OP Shock

From what you've said about your DH's relationship with his family I can see where you're coming from. I suppose you chose to turn a blind eye and be the bigger person for his sake. You sound lovely Smile but be careful. As kids get older you don't want them being manipulated or stuck in the middle. Like you, I definitely wouldn't let my children see them without being there!

BingandFlop2019 · 20/04/2019 23:11

Wow! That's bloody nasty

BingandFlop2019 · 20/04/2019 23:11

Your husband should've stormed out talking you and your children with him.

Erythronium · 20/04/2019 23:15

She didn't forget to cook your dinner, she deliberately didn't make you any food in order to leave you out of the meal and isolate you, then she pretended she'd forgotten so you couldn't make a fuss. Which you and nobody else did.

If you don't want to see her, don't see her, and don't let your kids go either. She's hostile and toxic so you'll be doing them a favour by keeping her out of their lives.

LazyLizzy · 20/04/2019 23:15

Wow. Let's hope your DC don't end up being permanently affected by having such a weak father.

OwnerOfThatChocolateBar · 20/04/2019 23:22

Might I just add that you sound like a lovely woman! WineBiscuitCake You don't deserve this shit and clearly a better person than I because that cow would have had her face in her pasta

gottastopeatingchocolate · 20/04/2019 23:28

I would have another chat to DH about counselling, OP.
It doesn't matter if he feels that they have changed (even if he is wrong about that) - what matters is that he feels affected by how they have been in the past, and processing this with a counsellor might change his view of the present and the future too.

You say that you usually only see the PIL once or twice a year, and at your own home. I would stick with that and not allow this situation to arise again.

I do feel for you, and DH. What a horrible situation.

Tucobenedicto · 20/04/2019 23:33

There's always two sides to a story

bridgetreilly · 20/04/2019 23:35

You know, I never say this, because honestly I never really think it's the best or right thing to do, but in this case I think you need to stop all contact with them. It's hurting you, it's hurting DH and pretty soon it's going to be hurting your children too. DH needs counselling, because clearly they have messed with his head for years. You will need to take the lead on this, because he's been groomed to want to behave the way they want him to, and as you say, he desperately wants to have a normal relationship with his parents. That is not going to be possible. So the best thing for him is to get help to process that and move on from them.

They do not have a right to be in your children's lives and you need to protect your children from being messed up the way your DH has been.

Amongstthetallgrass · 20/04/2019 23:38

You count for zero. Welcome to my world. I’ve been there - the worst is trying to help out. It’s got marginally better where I’m served last...

PlatypusPie · 20/04/2019 23:39

I can understand putting out very young children’s portions individually but why is she plating up adults’ food ? Surely you take your own portions from centrally placed food ? Did she not lay a place for you ? That’s is so rude .

kateandme · 20/04/2019 23:43

i know this was really shit for you.and it is totally reasonable to feel shit bout what happpened today.
but i understand its about your dh too here and sounds heartbreaking what he is going through and you sound so lovely to be so thoughtful of his feeling and the shit they are reeping on him.to see wht happeened to you today must have hit him once again in the gut.
you need to sit nd talk to him.take him by the hand and tell him the shitness of their beahviour is never ever anything on him.and says everything about him that he is married with kids and a loving wife.he escaped that.but he has to keep making a stand and maybe its time to let them go.
or let the effort you keep tyring to make go.i think it will continue to damage you both otherwsie.hes not keeping line of communication going anymore.more line of pain for them to keep electrictuing him with!
and the kids growing up will spot this.i did.and younger than youd think.and you start to subconsciously do and feel differently about things until yo uget somehwere and wonder how.
time to really protect your little unit.your strong enough now.
one day it will be them regretting their disgusting ways.and if they dont more fool them.
big hugs.sounds really fucking tough.and im so sorry for you and how your poor dh has been bought up and almost brainwashed like this.

Youwanapizzame · 20/04/2019 23:46

Seriously If they ask you over again sa6u no thanks you didn't bloody feed me last time! Ha ha

IABUQueen · 20/04/2019 23:49

Oh Op you are such a strong person..

Passive aggressive.. I have no words.. no advice.

Just admiration for your strength

AlunWynsKnee · 20/04/2019 23:50

Your DH is slowly moving towards the idea that his parents aren't the people he wants them to be. It's going to take these kinds of incidents :(
If you can bear to grin and bear it they'll keep showing their colours until he sees it clearly.

SandyY2K · 20/04/2019 23:54

Some parents don't deserve a relationship with their grandchildren.

These ones are a perfect example of such people.

Once or twice a year is clearly too much. He would be better off making the odd phonecall to them and keeping them at bay.... not physically seeing them.

IABUQueen · 20/04/2019 23:55

Your DH is slowly moving towards the idea that his parents aren't the people he wants them to be. It's going to take these kinds of incidents sad
If you can bear to grin and bear it they'll keep showing their colours until he sees it clearly.

That’s great advice. Refreshing.. but soo sooooo difficult to apply..

DishingOutDone · 20/04/2019 23:59

You talk about your DH as if he is a child, about "wanting everything in his world to be ok" - sounds like everyone treats him like a child. Why on earth would you enable him to attend these ritual humiliations? You talk about counselling but have you agreed that and found a counsellor?

Nc1548 · 21/04/2019 00:10

It sounds like your DH needs help to deal with his childhood issues, rather than you sacrificing yourself to "save" his relationship with his parents. The less contact you all have with them the less opportunity they will have to make your DH feel guilty.
Neither me or my children would be going back to a place where I'm mistreated, family or not.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/04/2019 00:13

She actually left you no food, not that she just forgot to dish your plate and it was left in the pot? That is INSANE.

Personally I'd go NC for myself and my children. Your DH will have to make up his own mind, unfortunately. But I'd tell him plainly that if he is going to visit, he's going alone.

Cherrysoup · 21/04/2019 00:13

2 relationships going on here. Yours and the parents in law and yours and your dh. Your dh should have stuck up for you and should definitely have said/done something about your lack of food. This is nothing to do with his relationship with his parents. This is all about respect and love for you, parents notwithstanding. He didn’t demonstrate his love and respect for you in this situation. Regardless of how deep he is in the fog, he saw what was happening and didn’t react appropriately. I know it’s difficult for him and he doesn’t want to wreck the relationship with his parents, but his mother went a step or 100 way too bloody far there. Both of you need to step up and stop her shitty behaviour. Your children should not be witnessing this behaviour from her.

I know it’s hard, OP, but if my dh didn’t act if his mother did that, I’d be bloody fuming, regardless of consequences.

Nutellalovesme · 21/04/2019 01:02

She purposely left you out no two ways about it.
She has no respect for you and she demonstrated that in a very spiteful way.

Floralhousecoat · 21/04/2019 02:34

If you decide to keep seeing them op, from now on I would refuse all offers of food and drink at their house. This takes the power away from her in not offering you any. You take the back the power and refuse every scrap of food in their house and say you've already eaten.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 21/04/2019 02:50

I haven't read all the replies but I recommend reading Toxic in laws and Toxis Parents by Susan Forward.

Cafetierecoffee · 21/04/2019 03:07

Be kind to your DH - he’s been conditioned through years and years of this.

Stop going. Stop inviting them. Birthdays and Christmas cards only.

If you treat them the way that they treat you then they won’t like it and will make you the bad guys.

Flowers
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