MIL forgot to cook my dinner!

[NannaNoodleman]

DH, DS, DD, & I went to PILs' house for the day.

There's a back story and it hasn't been the easiest relationship but we're all making an effort for the children.

Anyway, MIL served up food for the children and as I was helping the kids with their food she served up food for the adults. She served up food for my BIL & his wife, DH's Dad, my DH, and herself.

DH said "what about Nanna" and she laughed and said she'd forgotten but I could have an extra slice of pizza later (for tea - I didn't! ).

Is it possible she could've forgotten my dinner? I usually know how many people I'm catering for.

What passive aggressive message is she trying to send me?

I would have got up, taken my children and gone home, if it wasn't possible to go home i'd have taken them to a cafe or pub for lunch then gone home. No way would I EVER have put up with that level of fucking abuse from MiL. And that would have been the end of any future effort made.

he didn't have a developmental delay due to abuse

He could well have, actually. Difficulty expressing his feelings, difficulty setting boundaries, arrested emotional development, problems regulating emotions and self soothing. But equally he could have escaped that.

Anyway, I wasn’t having a pop at you @Nanna; I think you’re doing brilliantly and are so patient and supportive of your DH.

Fucking in laws

I hope you persuade your DH to have counselling either by himself or with you. Do you already have the toxic parents book for him to read?

I'm attempting to read through of all the replies properly today on the drive home while the children are snoozing.

I don't want to tag people as I don't want to miss anyone out. There's so many people with great advice and support. I really appreciate it.

I do own a copy of the Toxic In-Laws book (hidden on my kindle so the ILs wouldn't have seen it).

I think I'll get DH the Toxic Parents book and hopefully that will open his eyes a bit more to the extent of their manipulative behaviours.

We had another chat in the car (kids asleep) and I asked him if he realised the implications of me stopping all contact with his parents. That they wouldn't be welcome in our house and I wouldn't allow the children to be exposed to them - I used his niece/SIL as an example of why. I said they'd play the victim and make me out to be evil and just using the children against them and his relatives would all believe it.

He completely supports me.

We didn't talk about him going NC.

There's not a cultural difference. We are both white British.

My DH wouldn't have stood for that. We would have been gone.

Personally, I can't see how only one person can go NC in a situation like this. If the OP did, then her DH would simply be exposed to bile on steroids everytime he visited his parents. Every visit, the OP would be sitting at home imagining how much more lies and venom her DH has had poured in his ear, as she awaits his return. It's hard to imagine a more corrosive and divisive way to live.

We live a long way away. It's a 3 hour drive to my parents' house and then a further hour & half to ILs house.

DH has said he won't go up to their house again. They are no longer welcome in my house.

Their only option is to meet up for a day out somewhere between my parents' house and DH's parents' house whenever we're up that way visiting.

Other than that, it's just phone calls and messages.

That sounds like a good solution OP. Keep to neutral ground. Don’t make a song and dance about not visiting at each other’s homes. Just make the arrangements for DH to meet up with them halfway between your DPs and his.

You were too nice.

To hell with that!!! I’d have picked up my kids and husband and gone out for dinner, leaving monster in laws at home!!!! That’s just plain rude and spiteful!!! And also very immature!!!!

Personally, I can't see how only one person can go NC in a situation like this.

I see what you’re saying but it can be done. @Nanna’s DH will have to be extremely strong and 100% loyal to Nanna if and when he sees his parents and shut down instantly any trash talk about her. That’s one of the boundaries he’ll have to set: “I’m not here to talk about Nanna, I’m here to see you and if you want to continue seeing me at all, I am not discussing my wife.” They will try EVERYTHING to get inside his head and divide the two of you, @NannaNoodleman so I’d suggest very low contact for now.

He also REALLY needs to start having counselling and reading about toxic parents and the Narcissistic Family dynamic in the meantime.

I see what you’re saying but it can be done. @Nanna’s DH will have to be extremely strong and 100% loyal to Nanna if and when he sees his parents and shut down instantly any trash talk about her.

I'd hope so, but my MiL was far more subtle than that ... .

He’s going to need you now more than ever.

But I completely agree with you that they no longer have an invite to yours and you and the dc never set foot in theirs again.

I'd hope so, but my MiL was far more subtle than that

I used to work with someone like that. The most manipulative and aggressive person I have ever encountered but the aggression was carefully targeted. Every time you slapped her down and put her back in her box she'd find another way to come at you but it was so subtle that if you told anyone you looked like you were the crazy paranoid person. The only person who really got what she was like was a friend of mine who was married to an abusive, manipulative man.

I left that job. You can't deal with people like that. It's not good for you.

I used to work with someone like that. The most manipulative and aggressive person I have ever encountered but the aggression was carefully targeted. Every time you slapped her down and put her back in her box she'd find another way to come at you but it was so subtle that if you told anyone you looked like you were the crazy paranoid person. The only person who really got what she was like was a friend of mine who was married to an abusive, manipulative man.

The beginning of the end was my realisation that I was seeing one thing, while DW was seeing another. If I had said anything, I was the one with the problem. Don't ask me why, but I secretly recorded MiL during a "little chat" we had where she said an awful lot (of course I was not to mention it to DW as MiL was worried how her MS would cope ...).

Of course her recollection of that chat to DW was a work of fiction. But I had the proof.

Like many here, the first thought was dementia of some kind, but subsequent events proved otherwise.

Rather tellingly, my DF told me within minutes of the first time he met her that she was never to be trusted - but when you're young who listens to their parents ?

@Nanna, I too support the NC option, having done so myself (with emotionally abusive foster parents).

I do wonder whether it is worth your DH getting in contact with the brother who is estranged from the family? It might benefit both of them, and benefit you and SIL? There may be a backstory as to why this idea wouldn’t work but it may be helpful. Your MiL might have stirred things between the brothers behind their backs, it could be an opportunity for both of them to support each other in dealing with their toxic parents.

I'm not sure DH would talk to his brother about it. There's a large age gap so they've never had much of a relationship. They've seen each other about 3 times in 20 years (the brother rarely visits).

He also lives far away so he's not someone we'd just pop over and visit. They don't speak on the phone or even message (just birthdays and Christmas).

I'll suggest it but I really doubt DH would feel like he could talk to someone who is effectively a stranger.

I had a preemie baby in NICU for six weeks and I would've gone ape shit if my PILs had pulled this stunt on us! The majority of issues stemmed from my MIL and my relationship but it's all rainbows and unicorns compared to your experience! Best of luck!

You might be surprised. If you are willing to open the conversation they might jump in and let it all out. If they won’t do that then yes it might all fizzle. Worth a try?

It is worth a try. He hasn't got anything to lose.

Exactly! The emotional load and anxiety of having a NICU baby is unbearable enough without that sort of behaviour.

The brother may have had to keep a distance to retain his own sanity but it doesn't mean he wouldn't be happy to hear from your DH. I have a sister who is significantly older than me and left home when I was a small child, but since I became an adult we've been very close and we are the only people who understand the reality of dealing with our parents.

I really think your DH should suggest meeting up with his brother, and if he's honest about his feelings towards his patents he may find they have a lot in common! It sounds like the SIL will be very sympathetic as well, as she has been on the receiving end of the abuse.