MIL forgot to cook my dinner!

[NannaNoodleman]

DH, DS, DD, & I went to PILs' house for the day.

There's a back story and it hasn't been the easiest relationship but we're all making an effort for the children.

Anyway, MIL served up food for the children and as I was helping the kids with their food she served up food for the adults. She served up food for my BIL & his wife, DH's Dad, my DH, and herself.

DH said "what about Nanna" and she laughed and said she'd forgotten but I could have an extra slice of pizza later (for tea - I didn't! ).

Is it possible she could've forgotten my dinner? I usually know how many people I'm catering for.

What passive aggressive message is she trying to send me?

MIL forgot to cook my dinner!
She really didn't though did she? She targeted a you deliberately: that's pretty nasty.

They "disowned DH" before and it broke his heart. It was awful. They're expert manipulators.
Your MIL behaved despicably, but you and your DH already know that. Was he really able to eat his meal after the way she treated you?

I don't want them near my children. I don't want them near my husband.

We did have a chat on the drive back about how that looks to our children (and other things- she never offers me a drink when doing the rounds and barely talks to me). The children are getting older and will be noticing.
This sounds incredibly hard but it is time that your husband protected you and his children against this awful, premeditated, hurtful behaviour and speak up for you all, including himself who she is actively disrespecting also.

Can being even more LC or even NC with his parents really be more hurtful for him than the way you, his wife, mother to his children/their grandchildren, is treated by his them?

He needs to learn some good coping mechanisms because it's unlikely the PILs will get any better as they get older. Perhaps he should have counselling sessions (maybe some with you so you can support him too?) to help him recognise what his life was with these "parents" growing up and how to build boundaries to protect himself and his own little family.

How will you both explain this situation to your children as they notice more?

You are both in a tough place - I hope you manage to find a better solution. 🌹

Omg this is so wrong on so many levels that I have no other words.

Oh my!
Even my MIL standards that is beyond ridiculous!

You must have felt terrible for the remainder of the visit! And starving...

OP you sound awesome. This is shit.

I know it's hard but you really do not need this or these people in your life. Neither does your DH even if he thinks he does.

NC the b*tch.

The best thing is to persuade dh to go to counseling and go NC. Use the impact seeing them will have on your children, as ammunition to persuade him to stop the visits. He can still visit by himself if he needs to but the children will be damaged by witnessing this treatment of their mother.

But

If you decide to keep seeing them op, from now on I would refuse all offers of food and drink at their house. This takes the power away from her in not offering you any. You take the back the power and refuse every scrap of food in their house and say you've already eaten.

I'd go further and just get out my own food and drink without comment, whenever they have any of theirs. Just ignore their batshittery but the trouble is they will then try to get a raise out of you another way.

@Mememeplease I don't think OP should persuade her DH to go NC. That's probably the right thing to do but he has to get to that conclusion on his own. If DH does go NC it will be a complicated and fraught decision, one that he might feel guilty about when his parents die. It puts so much pressure on their marriage if she is the one that instigates it.

My PIL are equally toxic and emotionally abusive. It's absolutely awful and takes a lot of mental energy to try to protect myself, DH and our DC. I think eventually we will go very LC or NC but it needs to be DH who finally decides we've had enough.

I'm in a similar situation in that I never want to see them again but feel I have to go in order to supervise what DC are exposed to. DH is so manipulated by them at times I can't rely on him to know when to pick up DC and leave. So I keep seeing them to protect my children.

for you OP. It's so hard.

I did say that he could still visit if he wanted to on his own, but personally I don't think it's good for the children to be exposed to that sort of toxic dynamic. What messages are they getting from that?

@YesimstillwatchingNetflix

I agree she can't make that decision for her DH but i think if it were me I would refuse to see her myself and would not let her see the DC.

Easier to say than do I know but that kind of power game is so out of order I wouldn't want DC to be exposed to it.

I have certain experience of these types of situations from different angles but eg the children can understand what's going on if the dad is telling them this is not right and they treat us wrongly but we just keep ties. I'm not sure if your husband does have a little chat with your children or not but it does help then understand and process the situation and grow up knowing what is right and wrong but still being able to keep ties.

If you want to keep going there then your husband should sit at the table with you and the children. I'm not sure why he left you with them. It's his parents house so he should be even more involved at mealtimes to make sure everyone is okay since you're only going for his sake. He would have clearly seen there is not enough food and then split the food up accordingly which is giving it to the children first then realising there is only a little bit left for you and him. You could have both nibbled on that and then gone for a takeaway or left it as leftovers for the next day and go for a takeaway after the children had their food or as others said, just all gone as a family.

The way we have food is very different though in that it's a pot which we all take turns to take food out of so no one can even try that trick and everyone eats together but we eat on the floor on a mat rather than the table or sofa.

This is a easy new rule to put in place for the future though. He eats with you all and doesn't leave you with the children. You can then apply this to other scenarios.

I remember being left out for something and this was at a public event. I literally didn't give a crap then, since they didn't either and I got up and calmly left with my children without saying a word. It was dark and cold too so I told my DH to come to the car as he wasn't near me and we headed home an hour away. No fuss. One of his family member noticed (to keep up appearances?) and called my DH. We made up the excuse of the children just wanting to be home but despite them insisting on staying we just left. It may seem controlling of DH because he is also not an alpha male type of person but he is a family man and we as a unit are great but when it came to his family he wouldn't know how to handle the tricks.
We are able to now visit and even stay without them trying on something but it did take time. The most important tip for the husband is to stick together as a family and not walk off. That way you are all one and no one can make you feel awkward for not having food for you as you all sit together and share and then act. If you have to be the one to suggest a takeaway then so be it. Hopefully you'll be more equipped for next time.

@Aria999 I agree that there comes a point where they shouldn't have contact with DC. We've come very close in my family, but the problem is if we even reduce contact with DC then all DH's interactions with PIL involve them wailing and sabre rattling about not seeing their GC. DH still wants to salvage his relationship with them, it sounds like OP's DH is still in the same mindset. Cutting them off from the GC is so inflammatory it gives DH no chance of a bearable relationship with them.

I have had to put boundaries in place. This might help OP as well. They never have DC alone, they aren't allowed to yell at us or criticise us in front of DC, no crying or theatrics etc, they aren't allowed in our home, and when they've been particularly bad then we refuse to see them at their home. They have always behaved a lot better in public, so we often meet them in a cafe.

@NannaNoodleman have you thought about requiring that you only meet in a neutral location? That takes a lot of their power away. If you were in a cafe she could hardly deny you food and drink.

my PIL are prone to what they call 'outpouring of raw emotion' in response to us saying no to them. (I call it abusive ranting). They can't control it, it's their natural response to our cruelty....however they always seem to control themselves in public. Because they care about the feelings and opinions of strangers more than they do ours.

This is a difficult situation. I hope you can encourage your DH to seek counselling as it is the only way he'll be able to deal with the harm done to him over the years.

As for future visits, I simply would not go anymore nor allow my DC around them. I wouldn't worry about causing a rift because they're already nasty to you so it won't matter and it will save you and your DC being exposed to them anymore.

Oh well you dont want to make a big thing of it so carry on.

But why do you want to keep ties? I think NC is the only course personally. Not feeding you while feeding everyone else is a very fundamental and clear message that you're not welcome. So I wouldn't ever darken their door ever again.

My mil did shit like this to my bil’s wife too. When mil came to stay with us everyone was surprised that she included me in the cooking. It’s a power play. Your only way to deal with this should be loudly at the time of the snubs with maximum embarassment to her, everytime. Your DH should 100 percent have your back.

Seriously OP, do you want your children growing up and seeing you treated like a second class citizen? Something needs to change here.

I know it’s not easy- we’re NC with DH’s family for very similar reasons. I think that counselling would help you both at this point- discussing together how you would deal with situations in the future. It also might help him to understand that they aren’t capable of being the parents he wants them to be.

I can't understand why you, your DH, or anyone else for that matter didn't call the MIL out on it!!! So you all just merrily carried on? Bizarre.
I sometimes think I live in a parallel universe to some people.

I'm a bit confused - was there a special meal you were supposed to have that she just didn't cook as per your title, or did she just not serve you dinner from the main meal she'd prepared? The latter is far worse I think.

I understand your dh doesn't feel able to make a fuss. I think you should have eaten your dhs food. By refusing his meal you both made the situation more acceptable. Leaving him with no food would have forced a reaction from them. Your mil would have fussed over him and the situation would not have been repeated. Whereas now it will and worse... if you both let it.

What would I do? Nc sounds good. But I do agree it would need to come from your dh. So either your dh sees them alone or as a family. If you visit them, you take food and drinks for all of you or go after eating. If they come to you, try ensure it is not around meal times. You take dc swimming that day and straight to McDonald’s, don’t you?!! If it is, I’d perhaps provide a basic buffet and pitchers of drinks so you don’t actually have to serve or interact with her. And ensure you have some nice activities planned with the kids. Painting pictures perhaps so she can’t go near them and get covered in paint. Or a new and fascinating toy just as she arrives. Create as much of a barrier as possible to limit her poison.

You poor thing OP awful treatment. Well done you for focusing on your children, but it must have hurt.

I have been on the receiving end of this from MIL, when I first got with my DH, never got offered a drink, DH always had to ask, she made me feel very uncomfortable. So jealous of me “taking her baby (DH) away”

It was really horrible, fast forward 25yrs, lots of events in life have occurred, and now she thinks I am a wonderful DIL.

I can totally understand how you felt. Sending you a big hug.

She didn't forget to cook your dinner. She cooked the dinner and didn't give you any which is much worse. You need to keep away from these horrible people.

Omg this is one of the worst things I've ever heard. How rude.

You know this already but she didn't 'forget'. She was sending you a message about how unimportant and insignificant you are to her.

I'd never set foot in their house again.

Seeing someone twice a year who you love and have love from in return - perfectly fine. Often due to distance, age, mobility restrictions etc.

Seeing someone twice a year who disrespects their child's wife, has insufficient love for their grandchildren that they don't care how they will feel when they see their mother treated badly - indefensible decision.

They "disowned DH" before and it broke his heart. It was awful. They're expert manipulators.

I understand why you couldn't do anything at the time OP. It's very easy on the outside of a situation to say "I would have done XYZ" but far harder when you're the one in the thick of it trying to process it. But I really do think your DH needs therapy to deal with this and he needs to disown them. They are cruel and malicious.

Obviously there is a whole backstory of atrocious behaviour here from you MIL (and you FIL also didn't make an effort so he's just as much in the wrong). Your DH didn't do himself proud either. Your MIL was absolutely out of line and it was 100% intentional. If it was a genuine mistake she'd have been mortified and profusely apologetic and then either redistributed the food or fixed you something else to eat. If that was my MIL she'd also have been calling and texting me the next day to apologise some more.

You inlaws aren't worth your time. Cut them off. You think your children are better off with them in their lives but they're soaking up the toxic atmosphere. I know as a child I visited family my parents didn't get on with 'for the sake of the kids' and I always felt anxious, didn't enjoy it and could see right through the adults' pantomime. Your children would be better off spending quality time with you and your DH or with other ppl who more positive influence your lives.