MIL forgot to cook my dinner!

[NannaNoodleman]

DH, DS, DD, & I went to PILs' house for the day.

There's a back story and it hasn't been the easiest relationship but we're all making an effort for the children.

Anyway, MIL served up food for the children and as I was helping the kids with their food she served up food for the adults. She served up food for my BIL & his wife, DH's Dad, my DH, and herself.

DH said "what about Nanna" and she laughed and said she'd forgotten but I could have an extra slice of pizza later (for tea - I didn't! ).

Is it possible she could've forgotten my dinner? I usually know how many people I'm catering for.

What passive aggressive message is she trying to send me?

Please don’t let your MIL treat you this way, especially in front of your children. She is very obviously making it clear that she can stand you, and you and your husband are effectively saying it is ok to treat you like absolute shit!

She doesn’t offer you a drink when she does everyone else and she doesn’t give you any food?! If it was a genuine mistake she would have been mortified, offering you her meal, offering to make you something else, and if you refused would have probably felt too awful to eat her own meal.
The fact she didn’t do any of those things speaks volumes.

I can’t imagine how awful and embarrassed you must have felt. Your husband needs to stand up for you. This isn’t a bit of wife and MIL friction, she is treating you like shit and he continues to allow it, by making you have contact. He should be telling her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour is disgraceful and if she tries ANYTHING similar again, they will be no contact

I’m all for trying to keep the peace in families where possible but bloody hell, not in this situation

You and your DH need to take charge of the relationship with them and cut them off. They don’t sound like they’d be a positive influence on your children and they clearly have no respect for you.

Crikey.

You all need to like, never ever go round there again, and never ever be in if they want to come round yours.

Posters here are piling on the DH, but when you've grown up with abusive parents they manipulate you to the point that you don't know what's normal and what's not. It sounds like he does know their behaviour is wrong, but it takes a lot of reflection and work on yourself to get to the point where you can go no contact. I agree counselling is a must, and the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

We've worked so hard on our relationship with them I don't want this to be "a thing".

Hate to be the one to tell you, but relationships shouldn’t ever be such hard work, walk away now and let your husband know you do nothing t intend to return.

This is and never will he anything other than a toxic relationship. You and DHs energy needs to go into healing him away from his DPs. He needs to accept them for what they are and remove them from the equation. Him needing some sort of affirmation from them is tying you all to the toxic nature of the relationship.

We've worked so hard on our relationship with them I don't want this to be "a thing".

These aren't people worth having a relationship with. Cut your losses, all of you.

Wow your telling me not one person in that house questioned this bitch?? What a wonderful family you've married into. My children would be nowhere near any of them and as for your husband...WTAF?!

He's been raised by these people. They've had many years shaping him to feel guilt when they tell him that he's bad!!

He's not a big alpha male who can tell people to fuck off. He's confused and hurt by them. He's trying to process their behaviours.

I want his world to be ok. I want him to have this parental relationship that he craves... but he won't because they're fuckers. It's much harder for him to see that than me.

BIL suffers the same FOG as DH. BIL's wife wouldn't notice if I sat naked at the table swinging my nipple tassels in perfect circles. DH's father is as much of a fucker as his DM.

I'm sorry this is hard but honestly you have to stop going. You have to stop letting your children see this. I'm sorry if your DH can't stop himself from going right now but you can't change that. You can change what your kids have to see

Ps. Also- she's a horrible fucking bitch! I'm furious on your behalf.

I wouldn’t be going again that’s for sure

This relationship is not worth working on. Your h should have got up and left with you all. She didn't forget. She meant it. He's enabling and so are you.

Had this been a genuine mistake, everyone would've divided their dinner up to plate you up a portion. This was completely pre-meditated.

Are DH's siblings like this/did they not say anything either? Or are they the same as PIL?

If their behaviour has always been an issue and has now been taken a step further, definitely cut them out and encourage DH to do so too. Given the difficult situation they abandoned their own son while you were both going through such a hard time, they clearly don't give a shit. I don't know why you bother giving them the time of day!

Why are you both pandering to that crap. When they cut contact with you, you should have kept it that way. Why would you all put yourselves through that for people that would do things like that to you?

I went no contact to protect my children from my DM. You need to do the same.

Have you posted about this situation before? It sounds familiar.

We go to their house 1-2 times per year because of their behaviour

Well that's clearly 1-2 times too many 🤬

Cut your losses. If she wants a relationship with them fine, but do not subject the dc or yourself to any more of their fuckwittery.

Sorry, if DH, not she

I’m so sorry for you all. What horrid rude people.

What a horrible and despicable thing to do to you. Obviously deliberate since with pasta she could have adjusted the portions to feed everyone.

You should have eaten your DH meal when he offered it, then her plan would have backfired. She would have probably made him some thing else, as it was you that she was directing her loathsome behaviour at.

I would never visit them again and neither would my children. I feel so sorry for you, that you have this dreadful woman in your life, instead of the caring loving mother in law you deserve.

As someone who had a mother with a personality disorder and an enabling father, it took a long time for me to really process how badly I was treated, and to accept they would never change. One thing that really did help was reading up on PD parents and their enablers. I spent so long believing my situation was unique, until I discovered that my parents fit a script, and their pattern of behaviour was not that unusual after all. Instead of covering it up, I could open up and talk to people in the same boat as me.

I think your DH needs to do some reading and definitely go for counselling. The only way forward is no contact.

It's a very hard situation for you too OP but you sound like a wonderful caring person. I agree with the others that you and your DC should not see them, and give DH space to come to that conclusion himself.

Bitch. Don't take this crap. Your husband is weaker than a nun's piss for not being furious with her.

Jeeze. I made an OP earlier about my bemusement at the number of people here who go NC.
But in your case I'd say it's 100% justified. There was not a single person in that house who had an ounce of decency (I'm excusing your DH because he's clearly been broken by them). I can't begin to imagine sitting and eating a meal when someone in the room has deliberately not been given any.

You say you're keeping up contact for the children. Seriously, you're doing those children no favours. They need saving from these people's influence, not being part of it.