Private lap dance :(

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Changed name for this post

Dh to be, had his stag weekend. Fun and games during day and meal out/drinking in evening. Ended up at a lap dance club, I suppose no particular issue with this he's never been before and I wouldn't have thought his thing though, but he had the dredded 'private dance'. Paid for by his mates. Went into a private room, she made him lay down and she was fully naked except suspender belt. She straddled him, sat on him, touched his legs and chest and obviously her stripper lady bits and bum were not far from him at all.
I know the details as basically I asked. I am gutted and cannot get the images out of my head. My DH to be feels terrible and said he didn't realise it would be so graphic etc etc.

I sway between feeling ok and trying to shut it out to feeling physically sick. My ex husband had an affair and left me and children so perhaps I am over sensitive.
This is a rant I know :(

I am a man though my name is not Arnold. It does sound unsavoury at best. I have never understood lap dancing bars. There is nothing to attract me. Why do i want to pay some unknown woman to gyrate in front of me? Its just a form of prostitution. It would do nothing for me and i would probably feel belittled and ashamed of myself. I think a lot of these thinly disguised brothels appeal to base male /crowd behaviors,,men full of beer,bullshit and bravado. I dont subscribe to that either.

"For those who don't consider it cheating, would you also consider it not cheating if it was a random woman he met at a club, who did exactly the same thing?"

It is weird isn't it? Like paying for it as a service makes it better. (Service being the operative word)

No, it just means hed prefer to spend money that he could have spent on the family/doing something together literally on fanny instead.

Quite surprised at people equating this with cheating. Cheating is a two way thing. Here he was just observing, and hadn't instigated it. Stag do, once in a lifetime (I'm assuming), the typical activity done at a stag do, arranged for him by his mates, he just went along with it. I might be jealous and insecure in your situation but I certainly wouldn't let this escalate to destroying what is otherwise a happy relationship.

The worst thing is blaming his mates. That's what fucking 10 year olds do.

Why not say, I was drunk and horny and thought it was a good idea at the time so I went along with it and it was great. I was too scuttered to get a stiffy though so just lay there while she waved her tits in my face.

At least that would be honest and he wouldn't sound so pathetic.

It wouldn't have been sexual for her. He didn't get a hard-on. Move on. Close case.

"He was just observing"... this is just minimising nonsense. He was a participant. He went along with it. He wasn't sat outside watching via a video feed, fgs.

And this "typical thing done on a stag do". It might be for some men, but it really isn't for others. And even if it were universal, that isn't an argument for it being ok and something that should just be accepted passively.

As for "jealous and insecure"... wow.

Cheating involves two people sure, but theres only one person the unfortunate partner can blame and that is their partner.

Im starting to think some of the posters on here are just parroting what they have been told in similar situations.

The only person who has potentially destroyed the relationship is the dp.

The worst thing is blaming his mates. That's what fucking 10 year olds do.

Yeah, that's the worst thing ffs.

My friends would never put me in a situation that could potentially ruin my relationship. Nor would they encourage me to do so.

OP - I don’t say this lightly, but this would spell the end for me.

Going in a club and watching women strip as a stage show from an audience. Yes, I can cope with that on a stag. There are often women in the audience anyway.,

But nobody HAS to go off into a private room.

What he did was one step off using a prostitute.

If they had paid for that, would he have gone through with it?

Not much difference in my book. It’s all paying for women.

Make no mistake - paying for a woman to do this is cheating - the act of actually paying for it only adds insult to injury. At the end of the day, it’s the same act.

I knew a woman who cancelled her wedding the night before when she found out similar had happened. She has never looked back - she’s with a decent human being now.

It tells you everything you need to know re- his attitude to women.

Maybe this woman had never been trafficked or forced into this line of work for whatever reasons - but how would he know?

I wish people wouldn’t compare this kind of thing to the Dresmboys or other make strip acts. The dynamic is totally different - we all know it is.

Can you imagine actually sitting with him now in your wedding reception, or standing in the church, knowing that most of the men there will know he has disrespected you in this way? In relation to what should be the biggest day of your lives?

There are better men out there - really there are. Give yourself the chance to find one and don’t settle for this fool.

I hope the stripper was worth it. He has nobody but himself to blame.

I’m sorry you are in Themis situation, I really am. But you DO have a choice.

You washed and ironed the clothes he was wearing? I'd have burnt them!

Couldn’t get upset about this personally.

Ofc it’s 100% your prerogative to feel this way, but as a woman who has been many many times to strip clubs/ lap dance parlours - and had private dances- I can say hand on heart, I find them about as sexually arousing as I do the grocery shopping. And I am very able to find women sexually attractive.
I would like to explain why I’m so intimately acquainted with these places but it would be outing (sorry).

It isn’t the same as cheating.
For a variety of reasons- not they are good or savoury reasons (particularly because the power dynamics of these places is such that women are dehumanised- the men don’t see it as cheating because they don’t see these women as real- they are a product to be bought/ hired- not woman to interact with on a human level).

But it’s not the same. At all.

I can't get over the fact that he compared your body to another woman's naked body -one that he'd paid to access. Did he think you would find it a compliment or something?

For me the person who has cheated is the dp, regardless of who was gyrating on him or whether it was in a strip club, a nightclub or in someone elses front room. The point is he has allowed, and most likely enjoyed having a basically naked woman gyrating and rubbing herself all over him and he didnt at any point say no, it is disrespectful to my future wife. That is the point that most minimising posters here dont get. Yes she was doing a job, he wasnt. How it can be ok in a strip club but not in a bedroom is ridiculous and shows just how far and deep the minimising has been driven into people to allow such things to go on within a relationship and still be considered not cheating

So TheSheepofWallStreet what are men paying for then if it isnt in any way arousing?

@TheSheepofWallSt you can only speak for yourself. For you, it isn't cheating. That's your opinion you're free to hold. But you can't say the same holds true for everyone else. Nor can you possibly claim to know what every man sees it as.

And pointing out the dehumanising of women that occurs makes the whole thing worse, not excusable.

I'd be pissed off but I wouldn't class it as cheating, I certainly wouldn't end a relationship over it. We are all different though.

I’m surprised he told you and gave you this much detail. Least he is honest if nothing else.

OP What a horrid situation for you. I can totally understand how you feel, I'd be gutted too. I'm not entirely sure I could forget or erase the visual images that would no doubt creep into my head when you least expect it. Having said that it's a big deal to walk away from what I assume is a happy and usually respectful relationship. I couldn't call it. I'm hot headed and would've kicked him out to have some thinking space for myself in this situation. It's just unfair that you have to even make a decision when you should be really looking forward to your wedding day. Sending a virtual hug as I'm really not sure how I'd handle this one x

@BananaFace5

Honestly? IME?
Some- To say they’ve done it. For a story to tell.
Some because they can fantasise and it’s fun.
Mostly-
They know they’re not going to have sex.
They know they’re not going to go home with the women.
They know the women don’t fancy them.

There’s always one or two sad bastards who think it’s more than it is- but mostly they go for a laugh.

I think there’s an awful lot of supposition on this thread about these environments from women who don’t really know much about it.

Of course if it has hurt the OP and it isn’t an acceptable behaviour within the bounds of their relationship, then that’s the issue at stake- but I do wish that other women wouldn’t make sweeping judgements and statements when they’re working on supposition.

Line it's a very common tactic, admit to and take some shit for something awful to hide what actually happened, all the while appearing sincere and truthful.

Win win (for the one who was intimate with someone else, that is)

"I do wish that other women wouldn’t make sweeping judgements and statements when they’re working on supposition."

This is bs. You can know your boundaries without having to have experience of everything beyond them. It is minimising and dismissive of totally valid points of views.

I find the cognitive dissonance that goes in in strip clubs very odd.

He could have been at a party - had some woman come onto him very strongly and gone off into a room where she’d done similar. That would be cheating right?

But oh no, this isn’t cheating - because money changed hands.

In my view, paying for the “use” of a woman is actually worse than infidelity. At least in infidelity, both parties are entering into it on an equal footing.

@AssassinatedBeauty

I’m being v respectful of alternative views- whilst upholding my own.
Please try to do the same.

I think you'll find I am.

To be honest, the last thing women want to hear when they’re dealing with this kind of situation is “insight” from an ex-stripper, or someone claiming to have extensive experience of these places.

Who cares?

There’s a reason most women don’t do this kind of work or feel the need to compromise their boundaries.