Private lap dance :(

[downupdown]

Changed name for this post

Dh to be, had his stag weekend. Fun and games during day and meal out/drinking in evening. Ended up at a lap dance club, I suppose no particular issue with this he's never been before and I wouldn't have thought his thing though, but he had the dredded 'private dance'. Paid for by his mates. Went into a private room, she made him lay down and she was fully naked except suspender belt. She straddled him, sat on him, touched his legs and chest and obviously her stripper lady bits and bum were not far from him at all.
I know the details as basically I asked. I am gutted and cannot get the images out of my head. My DH to be feels terrible and said he didn't realise it would be so graphic etc etc.

I sway between feeling ok and trying to shut it out to feeling physically sick. My ex husband had an affair and left me and children so perhaps I am over sensitive.
This is a rant I know :(

The fact someone would be prepared to do this on a paid for basis makes it worse not better imo.

They always crop up on these sort of threads safiya. Treat them like tequila - best taken with a pinch of salt.

Ignore all of the hyperbole and overreacting. Context is everything. It was one dance, on his stag do, which he then told you about. You’re to be his future wife not his new mum, not everything he does has to please you. Hats off to the man for giving you the details, is surely a good sign, he could/should have just lied.

PP saying they wouldn't be terribly put cross. Jesus Christ, do you not have any standards or self-respect? Fuck sake.

I have plenty, thanks. It wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me, it clearly is for others. I don’t judge them and insult them though because I’m not them and I’m not judgemental and rude.

I think I'd be cool with it if my dp was cool with me getting naked and grinding all over a stranger.

But oh no, this isn’t cheating - because money changed hands

No, it's not cheating because neither of them were interested in taking it any further.

@Safiya5

You’re incredibly rude.

@MeandMeToo

You’re very condescending.

And what both of you betray is an incredibly prejudiced view of what sex workers might be, or be like.

I’m not actually a former dancer or sex worker- yet. Because who can say with absolute certainty what they would and wouldn’t do under different circumstances.

But I do have significant first hand experience of these environments and I’m
just telling it as I saw it. If you don’t like that, that’s fine- but please don’t undermine my truth, just as I’m not seeking to undermine yours.

And I'm talking from my knowledge and experiences.

He might have absolutely loved it and gone into the situation whole-heartedly.

He might have been so drunk he was incapable of walking out of the situation.

He might have felt peer pressured had a freeze response (it happens - often you hear stories of women having freeze responses in unwanted sexual situations) and hated every minute of it - in which case it could have felt incredibly violating for him.

The thing is, we don't know him, we weren't there.

I’ve been in various strip clubs many moons ago. So what? I would still have the same view whether I’d been in them it not. I wouldn’t say I was particularly enlightened by the experiences.

I wouldn’t pay someone to do all kinds of things - I don’t need to try it and see.

As for, “Its not cheating because neither of them were interested in taking it any further.” Sorry, but what a load of b**cks. You could say that about a one-night stand.

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.
It's not as if they're going to ever even see each other again, and I'm sure neither would want to.

If it’s going to haunt you forever, then don’t marry him.

I was in a similar situation a few years back. OH had a porn problem. The issue for me was the girls were very young (late teens) and natural-looking and had their names listed. I probably wouldn’t have minded had it been artificial Jordan-types.

I was devastated and should have ended the relationship there and then. I never actually got over it.

So my advice would be, if you think you can laugh it off, then do. If you are not going to get over it and are going to bring it up in every bloody argument you ever have from now on, then don’t marry him.

It wouldn't particularly upset me the fact he had been to a private dance though it sounds quite intimate.

It's the fact he could not say no if he wanted to and gave in to what his friends say/do. He who follows the crowd, never leaves it.

It would make me worry he could be easily led.id have more respect if he said 'to be honest I'm interested in what it's like to have a lap dance'. I may not like the idea but would at least be pleased he could own his own actions.

As for, “Its not cheating because neither of them were interested in taking it any further.” Sorry, but what a load of bcks. You could say that about a one-night stand.

Erm...well a one night stand clearly has gone further. But neither party here was interested in sex, let alone had it. Surely a key factor in cheating is actually cheating in one way or another. I'm guessing there wasn't an emotional connection either, so I think we can rule out an EA as well.

Is it the looking that's the cheating part?

i know the details as basically I asked.

I told him I wanted to know exactly what happened. So he told me.

Did I miss something in the thread? Posters keep saying "at least he told you", "he was honest and told you", etc. The way I read it is that he told her after she asked what happened. Not really the same thing as volunteering the information. If he only told her after she asked, I hope he's told her all of it. And I think he'd know whether or not he had an erection, so I don't understand why he only said he reckoned he didn't.

And why are a couple of people saying it couldn't have happened that way? No way she was naked, no way her vulva was exposed, no way it was done at that price. Or to say it was a probably a group or booth dance!

Regardless of other posters personal experiences, the fiance told her it was a private dance, a private room, that she had him lie down, that she was naked other than her stockings and garter belt, that he rubbed herself on him, and more.

WHY would he make it sound worse if those things didn't happen?

It seems as though OP is wanting to stay with her fiance, and that's her decision to make. I respect that; I used to be one of those people who saw life in absolutes, but IRL it's not that easy for most of us. I would be gutted as well; but in all honesty am not sure what I would have done in this particular situation.
OP, I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope you'll be okay, no matter what you decide.💜

Harry - well, for argument’s sake, you could have a one-night stand that doesn’t involve actual sex. It doesn’t actually matter whether it’s sex, kissing or maybe she just strips and then they go to sleep or whatever. It’s still cheating. You don’t have to actually touch someone to cheat. For me it’s more about the mentality, than the actual action. Whether he could touch her or not is neither here nor there really. The fact is, he put himself in that situation.

And, before you come back and say something like, “well if it’s cheating to just look - how is that different to the beach or looking at women in the street.” Please don’t try and compare to that because it’s not the same at all.

I mean if you hired a prostitute, but then decided you didn’t want to have sex but just look at her naked, that’s still cheating because you still took the action to hire her. As far as I’m concerned, if my DH did that I couldn’t actually care less whether he had sex or not, it would be irrelevant.

I would be far more angry about my husband (if I had one!) having cosy chats, having lunch with, and messaging someone else.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest , last stag do OH went on he told me the best man was arranging for them to go to a lap dancing club. I said if you want to have a dance then have one but take it further than a dance il never forgive you. He didn't even have a dance, I asked him why and he said he didn't see the point in them. To me it's part of a stag do, if he's a good guy OP I wouldn't call the wedding off over this.

For me, I just couldn't over the fact that the man I wanted to marry was so weak that they did something they claimed they didn't want to do and which they knew would upset me just because they couldn't say no to their 'friends'. So off-putting, I just couldn't fancy someone who was that pathetic.

That's quite apart from the fact that I loathe and abhor the sex industry anyway and think anyone who encourages or indulges in it is revolting.

@BigSexyCrimeUnit I wouldn't underestimate the power of peer pressure among mates and the effects of alcohol. I've seen a couple of other posts very similar to this one over the past few months about strip club visits turning into lap dance sessions. If you're a man in a marriage or similar LTR its probably a good idea to stay out of strip clubs altogether.

He did realize that it would be “graphic.” How could he not?

He was standing with her alone in the private room and he saw her exposed vulva, breasts and bum. He stayed. They talked. She told him to lie down. He did.

As it is called a lap dance, he knew that she would hop aboard and there would be contact, with her rubbing her bits on him. Where was his self-respect? Where was his respect for you?

And to know that he brought the dirty clothes that she’d been all over to you to be washed...

@downupdown, I am very sorry that you are going through this. It’s good that you’ve been given a variety of opinions to help you process your dilemma.

If he has so little spine to say no, how is he going to say no to similar things in the future?

In the private room he could have just sat there with her until the song was over. None of his friends would have known.

Husband hasn't been out in stag do for many years now but half a dozen special bdays or stag nights the men who don't want to go to strip clubs just don't go and go home or go to another pub. He thinks the married or committed ones do this thing where they pretend to encourage or pressure another mate to use a woman's body because it's makes their own conscience clearer. That saying my mates did it too makes his own choice less worse but that the stag and birthday parties he went on, nobody went to strip clubs who didn't want to be there, it's as simple as saying no thanks, not for me, catch you all later. He hates the idea of women being used like this and how many men using these women don't even give any thought to if she's there's through actual free choice or desperation.

We tell our young children "my friend made me do it" is not a valid excuse for doing something wrong or hurtful to someone else, why are people trying use "his friends made him" as a valid excuse for an adult man?

If my husband laid there while a naked woman grinded and straddled him, he'd be gone and trying to say it was purchased consent would not make it any better.

Your boyfriend paid enough attention to the woman to make comparison between your body and hers with his mates as if not saying no to having her vulva rubbed all over hin wants disrespectful enough. Only you can decide if this is ok, for every woman who says they'd be fine there'll be another woman who it's not fine for. I'd be wondering how well he knew me if he didn't think I'd be upset about it to be honest.

@Scott72 I’m aware of the power of peer pressure on some people but as my gran used to say: ‘If your mates told you to jump off a cliff would you do it?’ I wouldn’t and I don’t think peer pressure is a legitimate excuse for a grown man with a mind of their own.