He said he wouldn't buy me a Land Rover. Should I let it go?

[HisMoneyMyMoneyCardboardBox]

That title is a bit out of context but I wasn't sure what to put.

My husband inherited a house worth a lot of money. We are painfully broke but in arguments a couple of times he's used it to beat me round the head with as a 'come back' (there's been threads on this before in AIBU).

It bothered me enough to threaten to leave him. In the end we got counselling and it helped a lot.

Fast forward to now and after him making some seriously ill advised financial decisions (which I strongly advised against but he did it anyway) we are finally putting the house on the market and buying our own place.

I'm on maternity leave, so I've been doing most of the stuff with regards to estate agents and solicitors.
He's said a few things that have pissed me off though and given our past issues with this house and me feeling like he's not seeing us an equal, it's pissed me off.

First of all when getting the second valuation done on the house, he told the guy to contact me as he was working and referred to me as his secretary. Corrected himself and said I was a PA.

Today we live leave a Land Rover garage so I said why don't I get one when we sell the house (I don't want one really it was just a silly comment). He said
"You're note getting a Land Rover. It isn't happening."

I thought he was a bit of a bell for telling me I couldn't do something but forgot about it.

Tonight we were discussing things and after his firm response about Land Rovers earlier in the day I joked that I was going to buy one.
He said
"I'm not buying you a Land Rover."

So that's fucking clear cut then. He inherited the money so despite us being married and of equal partnership he STILL considers this HIS money.

He said it was a slip of the tongue but there has been so many bloody 'slips of the tongue'.
Is this it for the rest of my life now? This inequality? Him thinking that we are in a good position thanks to him? That I have to ask permission to buy things and what he says goes and he considers it his money that I'll be spending?!

It's so easy to fritter away money on bits and bobs you need and end up with nothing.

^^This is very true.

He is wrong to refer to you as his secretary or PA and that indicates he does not respect you as an equal, money aside.

Inheritances I think and gifts from either side of the family should not immediately be thought of as joint money so I think you assuming tha5 you have a say in how he spends his inheritance is wrong.

I think you both need more counselling

Ok I have read your more recent updates and revised my opinion a bit.

In normal circumstances when finances are stable then inheritances are individual and not joint. I think the law on this is grey and while the starting point on all assets in a long marriage is 50/50 inheritances is one thing they initially consider to be individual rather than joint assets. In a long relationship with children though I think it will be considered joint when you have no other assets so he would have to give you some if there are no other assets.

In your circumstances you were obviously broke prior to the inheritance and he is using the money as power to control you. He does not see it as joint or you as an equal partner. I cannot conceive why you would have children with this man and hopefully you work and have your own income once your maternity leave finishes as I think it sounds like he expects you to ask his permission to spend money on even basics. I would protect yourself financially by continuing to work and communicate with him how this money is to be used after the house is bought if he has a history of mismanaging money. You need a serious conversation with him to point out that you have a way of turning your life around with this gift and don't want to waste it.

I cannot conceive why you would have children with this man

That's a bit harsh really. He inherited the house a year ago, and it's bought out the arse in him. And our kids are 12 and under.
When we were broke he didn't have this power over me so I couldn't foresee this inheritance and issue.

It's not his power over you, it's his power over his inheritance.
You just don't like not having power over it too.

In that sense, it has changed him and you as well. Despite what your solicitor said, you see it as joint. He doesn't.

You need to reconcile those views. The easiest way would be to go strictly legal and stop considering it as joint in any way and only give him your opinion if he asks for it.
Definitely stop with suggestions like the car, at least without immediately saying it was a joke.

OP you both need to shift your mindset away from possessions and towards your values.

If you believe he should throw everything into the joint 'pot' and he has other ideas, because he (rightly or wrongly) believes he has a right to control the inheritance because it was from his family, then you forcing him to make decisions like splashing out on a vehicle or going on an expensive once in a lifetime holiday (it's irrelevant what the splashing out actually is), will probably make him dig his heels in further. He probably feels dictated to by you.

You'd do it differently but you aren't him. If your belief systems are so different, then it will become a deeper wound over time.

You've either got to recognise his point of view and live with it, or decide he won't change and you're not willing to put up with him.

It doesn't matter what legal right you have or don't have, it won't change his behaviour or influence decision on this matter, believe me!

Inheritance money belongs to the person it was left too, be it man woman or child. It should never have to be shared unless the receiver chooses to do so.

I'm not surprised he won't buy you a big expensive car. If you want one, you can always go and earn it yourself.

It's not about power. He's reminding you the money was left to him not you.

It really sounds like you just want to sell the house , buy a house and then divorce him for half.

Now, I know you've replied to this, in between it being written and my post, but the fact of the matter is, to all of us reading this, that is how this is coming across.
I haven't seen that you've answered the question about the relationship he had with the person he has inherited from (apologies if I missed it), but he may well be thinking of them.
After my parents died, I inherited some money. Oddly, dh didn't consult a solicitor about what the situation would be if he divorced me . He left me to grieve and to process the fact that actually I had inherited what (for us) was a considerable sum of money. (Nowhere near the figures you have mentioned). He never once suggested what we could do with it or how he could spend it. It was for me, from my parents, and for me to come to those decisions. You are focusing on what a solicitor has told you the law is, and not on any moral or ethical way of thinking about it.
That is such a huge amount of money for anyone, let alone for a couple who don't own a property and don't have any savings and who have been living hand to mouth. It takes time to process, and does not need a shopping list of things to spend it on, even things that are relatively small amounts.
If dh ever inherits anything, I would leave it to him to be ready to ask me what I think we should do, in the same way he did with me.

Wtf happened to your thread?! Why would poster after poster wilfully misread, or not read, your OP? Looks like a bit of green eye to me.

Thankfully common sense is gathering speed. So sorry your DH is being a complete twat about the money. I could say his response is fear-based but it looks suspiciously like plain old avarice. Yuk. You have to work out if this very serious flaw is worth it; that his lovely side/s outweigh this very unattractive knee jerk reaction to loverly money.

He SAYS he's happy to share but everything he does shouts he point blank has no intention of sharing. For now, anyway.

Keep quiet iiwy. Let the dust settle and don't mention chests or scooters. Don't mention buying anything. Especially don't mention cars lol. Let him drown in his own avarice and, hopefully, come to his senses and recognise he's being a complete dick. Secretary/PA indeed! Dick.

You have to work out if he's being controlling but let that reveal itself in time. Keep watch in the meantime.

One thing is certain: he has a sense of humour failure while in the glare of all that money.

Thank you SpringyDaff I appreciate it.

I’m assuming people who say inheritances should be viewed as personal money are comfortably off to begin with. If my dh inherited enough to pay our mortgage off, for example, but spent it on a new car instead, I would probably divorce him as he would not be putting the interests of all of us first. I’d love to travel the world but with my own inheritance am going instead for a city break (still an indulgence my relative would have approved of!) and a badly needed new kitchen.

I don't see the difference between inherited money and when one spouse hugely out earn the other.

It's a long marriage with 3 DC should one be in relative poverty to the other?

Where is the true partnership?

I think inheritance is shared money.

However, due the nature of how you come into it, I would be deeply uncomfortable with Dp making jokes about spending it in expensive items that's he doesnt really want.

As I said before, making that joke twice in 1 day would make me think it's not a joke at all.

He's suggested an amount to spend on a car (although I've said many times I'm happy with my car! It's him who hates my car).
If I were to be extravagant with buying a car I would put the excess on finance which I would pay with my earnings.

So really he absolutely has no right to say
"I'm not buying you a Land Rover."
When the Land Rover has been the red herring throughout all of this.

In other words he has suggested I spend X amount on a car but only if he allows that make of car.

Tunnockswafer - I can't speak for others, obviously, but no, not in our case. With my inheritance, decisions were taken about what was best for all of us, as a family, as with any money that comes into the family. dh and are are equal partners in our marriage, and we're both pretty sensible (?) / cautious (?). If dh inherited, he would think in the same way I did. However it is about processing time and not being harrassed with someone else spending money that your parents (or whoever) left to you as an individual. It was then my decision to invest in our house, our family. I assume dh would make the same choices, because we are a unit, both as a couple and as a family.

It doesn't sound to me like the OP's dh is trying to 'keep' the money, or 'keep the OP in poverty'. The plan is, to buy a nice house for them both to live in. What he seems to be saying - quite sensibly from where I am sitting - is "We don't have anymore cash today than we did before the will was read. We need to wait until the house is sold (might not reach it's valuation?.... might not sell for months and months or even years?) then buy the house that will give our family security, then we can take stock with what money we actually have and move on to plan what we do with the rest."

I agree with what Put a lampshade has said just above.

But in a partnership being excessive on a car and putting the rest on finance does affect him even if you're paying the finance with your wages. Especially if you're looking at buying a house together.

Though your thoughts that doing so is ok gives off the attitude of what you do with your money is up to you and your choice. But you don't like the fact he appears to think the same?

I'm not having a go......but you do kinda seem to want to have your cake and eat it.

Nico I guess that's because we have always put in X amount to the joint account and we do what we please with the peanuts we have left over.
So I'm still thinking along those lines.
As long as the bills are paid then what we do with our earnings (which are roughly
the same) is what whatever we choose.

So I guess we have done a bit of both until now. Equal in our input but separate with what is left. All in all that's equal.
Obviously if I earned 40k more then it wouldn't be but it works out about right.

So he'll pay for you to have a new car but one that is his choice not yours, even though it's to be "your" car that you drive?

Very controlling IMHO

o I guess we have done a bit of both until now. Equal in our input but separate with what is left. All in all that's equal.

And I guess in his mind that's what he's still doing. He's still putting in his equal input which up till now you've been happy with. It's just that now he has more aside from the input and from his point of view that's probably ok but from yours it isn't.

IMHO it depends what his long term plans are. If he's planning on using it for a family house, great. It benefits all of you and probably is far more sensible than a Land Rover you don't need.

If he's planning on keeping it in his bank account and spending it on and bits and bobs for himself over the years then that's not good.

I think you're plan of not saying anything and see what actually happens when the house is sold and he has the money is a good one.

I agree.

And thanks for the advice, I appreciate it.

For what it's worth, I really don't like Land Rovers, we just happen to be driving past a Land Rover garage at the time.

All in all, I will pipe down and let the dust settle. I half think this is a genuine worry and half think I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.
I guess time will tell but I hope to God this doesn't cause more of a rift between us.

Being an inheritance, you also have to consider the children.

If the inheritance remains his, then his children would inherit alongside you.
If it becomes joint, then they only inherit from his half.
That could create problems later on if you remarried, or if he had children with other women.

Having said that, as it's not a huge estate and this windfall improves the family finances, it makes sense to become joint. But he's already doing that by buying a house for the family.

I don't think he's having a sense of humour failure if the OP has been making shopping lists all along and wasn't clear about the Land Rover being a joke. It may well have sounded like another demand.

If it's a car of his choice that's different.

But that's not what you said. You said he said no to land rover. It can still be a car of your choice, but not be something stupidly expensive that's impractical.

Again, if it was my inheritance and dps car was old, I would probably suggest a new car too. But if he started saying 'oh a new Audi' I would probably say 'yeah in your dreams, theres a world of difference between a newer car and a new Audi'.

Look it boils down to this. You can either maintain your stance that he is a controlling dick. Which maybe correct. In which case you need to divorce.

Or you can think about wether you both have certain points of view, different stress points about the money and what to do with it. Neither of you are communicating this well. he is vetoing purchases, you are suggesting purchasing and joking about making big expenses. Both of you are pushing eachothers stress points. Yours being that you expected him to be controlling, he is expecting you to make big purchases. And go for more counselling and work in that. Both work on understanding eachothers points of view, worries, plans for the money etc.

That's the only way to attempt to keep the marriage together, if that's what you want.

I am not saying he is entirely right. But I dint think he is entirely wrong either. I dont think you are entirely wrong, but not entirely right either.

I get you about you not even really wanting a Land Rover. And maybe your dh realises that hence his comment.

I can be a bit impulsive and we do stuff like walk past some narrowboats and next thing I'm googling boats for sale thinking it would be nice to buy one. Dh has to kinda rein me in and say no, don't buy a boat. He's not been controlling, he's just been sensible!

He's not quite forgiven me for the caravan I bought without telling him! Though I love it. Funnily enough that was with some inheritance money I got.