He said he wouldn't buy me a Land Rover. Should I let it go?

[HisMoneyMyMoneyCardboardBox]

That title is a bit out of context but I wasn't sure what to put.

My husband inherited a house worth a lot of money. We are painfully broke but in arguments a couple of times he's used it to beat me round the head with as a 'come back' (there's been threads on this before in AIBU).

It bothered me enough to threaten to leave him. In the end we got counselling and it helped a lot.

Fast forward to now and after him making some seriously ill advised financial decisions (which I strongly advised against but he did it anyway) we are finally putting the house on the market and buying our own place.

I'm on maternity leave, so I've been doing most of the stuff with regards to estate agents and solicitors.
He's said a few things that have pissed me off though and given our past issues with this house and me feeling like he's not seeing us an equal, it's pissed me off.

First of all when getting the second valuation done on the house, he told the guy to contact me as he was working and referred to me as his secretary. Corrected himself and said I was a PA.

Today we live leave a Land Rover garage so I said why don't I get one when we sell the house (I don't want one really it was just a silly comment). He said
"You're note getting a Land Rover. It isn't happening."

I thought he was a bit of a bell for telling me I couldn't do something but forgot about it.

Tonight we were discussing things and after his firm response about Land Rovers earlier in the day I joked that I was going to buy one.
He said
"I'm not buying you a Land Rover."

So that's fucking clear cut then. He inherited the money so despite us being married and of equal partnership he STILL considers this HIS money.

He said it was a slip of the tongue but there has been so many bloody 'slips of the tongue'.
Is this it for the rest of my life now? This inequality? Him thinking that we are in a good position thanks to him? That I have to ask permission to buy things and what he says goes and he considers it his money that I'll be spending?!

It really sounds like you just want to sell the house , buy a house and then divorce him for half.

Money seems to change people.

I have no idea how my small inheritance would be considered in a divorce because we aren't even thinking about this. It is his money, op, not yours. Wages are different and should be used primarily for the household.
You say that the landrover thing was unrepresentative of your wishes or alleged needs . Land rovers with other people's inheritance wouldn't even enter the dialogue of a healthy situation.

But we sell the house and buy one jointly in our name with the money then it's both ours. And in a divorce I would likely to be entitled to half or more.

It sounds like you're trying to entrap him.
You know the inheritance is legally his, but you're trying to convert it as much as possible to joint assets.
It really reads like you're trying to milk him before divorcing him and I'm sure he has realised it. Hence the resistance.

Presumably when the money arrives,. You will buy a house, so will be rent free.
Since your married, you will own half the house, so maybe it is better to just let things progress quietly so this happens.
Do not ask for anything, but if your husband mentions the money, quietly remind him, that he just got his inheritance, and when one day you get yours you will already be homeowners, and the money will fund a nice retirement....
Do remember, if you still both pay half the bills, you will gain several hundred a month as not rent to find...
Things will improve.
I bet he does take you all on a holiday....
But repeat get the house bought first,,, and don't worry that will be money he can't spend, tied up.

if it's equal in divorce then why isn't it equal in marriage?

You've just said it isn't equal in divorce. It's his money to share or not to share with you.
It only becomes equal if he does share it.

A divorce is a one off amount. Even then dividing assets is often a complex, expensive process. Imagine frequently inviting the legal system marriages to divide up assets. I don't think the country could afford it. Anyhow you seem to deeply resentful that he hasn't given you half the inheritance. Can the marriage recover from this regardless of what he decides?

That’s a good question op, will you be on the house deeds?
I wouldn’t again ask about can we buy x a scooter. It would be once we’ve moved in we need a serious conversation about finances- what’s left, how much can go on things for the house/ kids as god knows some of our things are on their last legs, and what your thoughts are on the remainder , should there be any (house buying comes with taxes and fees).
And if he shut that down or wouldn’t put you on the deeds then I’d go nuclear.

Hate to spoil you fun ladies, but and yes I do know this to be 100% true...
In a divorce it now is needs related...
Wife has very little..
Husband inheritances a house...
Judge oh marital pot not big enough to provide for everyone, let's add in the inheritance... 750k....
Yep half or more to the mum... So each can have a house.....

Just divorce him, it sounds as if you don't like him/have different values/he's stingy

Then you can drive off into the sunset in your new Land Rover singing 'Young at Heart' by The Bluebells

I don't see an issue with having separate money, youre both going to benefit from it. He's buying a house....... that's security for life. What more do you want ??

FWIW when I inherited some money years ago (( not vast sums, more like 40k )) I spent some on the house but the rest was very much mine and was put away.

Thank god we've always shared.

We both have had inheritances. Both of them were automatically 'family money' as we used them to benefit both of us (and our children)

Obviously we were both able to have a little 'splurge' without discussion but on the whole they were used sensibly for all of us.

And did people notice that he hasn't made lots of sensible decisions about the money anyway?

How is him buying a house with it not sharing it? Presumably you are going to live in said house? Maybe he just doesn’t want to critter away the rest, if he was going out spending large amounts of pointless stuff but was saying no to your reasonable requests then it would be understandable to be annoyed. If you’ve been struggling with money makes sense he wants to be careful, and realises it has to last. Your attitude about seeing what you can get is disgusting, and is the reason a lot of people don’t see marriage as worthwhile these days.

Crumbs - like everyone is missing the point of this post.

This is not nice. It also sounds to me that your husband has not been used to money and is therefore behaving in this grabbing power wielding fashion. It seems there is a serious lack of trust going on here and it will fester if you don't deal with it as a couple.

I would never be like this with a partner if I inherited money - I would be so excited about our options and enjoy sharing those plans. Your husband describing you as a PA also sounds a bit pathetic tbh.

It reminds me a little of my ex. When he finally got a job that was equitable to mine he got weird and snipey with me. I quickly pointed out we weren't teenagers, it wasn't a competition and I was so happy for him and us. He quickly backed down......

BUT - it was a clue of things to come. Turns out he was harbouring a lot of hidden resentment towards me, nothing I could do anything about - more to do with his lack of self esteem and general impotence in life. We split up and I guess he got his revenge and the 'escape' that his fragile ego needed.

So beware. Don't sweep this under the carpet.

I'd be painfully gutted if we divorced.
I've said countless times in counselling and before that I wish we never inherited the money (when it nearly broke us) because it is absolutely not worth the break up of our marriage.

I have no intention of 'milking him' at all.

In fact before I saw the solicitor I said to him that I didn't want any of the money if we divorce.
The person on here who remembers my past threads may also remember the lashing I got from everyone when I said I didn't want anything to do with the money if we split - especially since the money caused the split!
But everyone said I was stupid that I need to secure the kids etc
But I mention divorce on here and now I'm milking him, materialist and intend to divorce him? Like it's a plan?

I assure you it is not.

It's a worry. Not a plan. A worry that keeps me awake at night and makes me feel sick to even think about.

I really think you just need to discuss "How are we handling finances moving forward" with a counsellor if he refuses to engage!

You could, for example, agree that general day to day costs still come from earnings joint account and that means you both get more personal "spends" as no rent to pay. Perhaps there is a bigger joint pot to cover spending for £ on the DC?

Have you actually met with an independent financial advisor? Look at the most efficient way to draw an income from the remaking pot? It could be enough to have a portfolio of small buy to lets or it may not be worthwhile with the new tax laws.

I think you will be happier to know the score and boundaries even if he keeps the remainder as "his" you can detach from it and live with your means and hopefully benefitting from able to create your own savings.

I can see how horrible this is for you because it comes across that he doesn't see you as equals anymore and that is very hurtful - you have been together a long time from a young age and suddenly the roles have changed.

Just being devil's advocate here, maybe he is feeling a bit nervous about the money and it is making him feel uncomfortable about you talking about buying things - even small things like a child's scooter.

It is a big change for you both and will need some careful adjusting.

If I were you I would not say anything else about buying anything, even a new potato peeler! Let the house get sold and the money given to him and let him calm down a bit and you both get used to the idea.

With luck and some more talking further down the line, hopefully you will both come to some agreement about how you will both treat the money.

Errrr buy your own land rover???

RandomMess yes! I think you have hit the nail on the head, that sounds very accurate - there's no boundaries. Perhaps this is making him twitchy, and as everyone has mentioned we need to sit down and discuss it.

I have tried talking about it a bit further but again he shuts me down and won't discuss it until the house is sold.

And Chamomileteaplease I agree. I'm not going to mentioned spending any more money until the house is sold.
After all, it could take months and months.

Your DH is right though.

It was an odd thing for you to say in the circumstances.

My Dh sometimes says strange 'jokey' stuff to me like that about cars - and I'm just really firm back - no, it's not happening.

Big financial decisions are made jointly. Regardless of where the money comes from.

You've said that you're poor and have inherited money which will go towards a house, however you've already started mentioning things like scooters and drawers. You don't even have the money yet and you're spending it. It's so easy to fritter away money on bits and bobs you need and end up with nothing.

Perhaps he'll buy you a fiesta or micra.
Buy the house (he could ring fence 'his' share) there will be lots to spend it on. Are your pensions ok? Keep some for a rainy day it doesn't have to burn a hole in your pocket
Then invest any left over and think about it for a while. Inheriting money seems like big responsibility to the person who left it as well as your partner, family. He may loosen up when he gets used to it.
As others say it's more about his attitude, and yours, you seem to have spendyitis. You are his partner, not his employee but I would expect inheritance to be individual money, I'd use some for common good but not relinquish complete control. How would you feel if you had a lottery win?

Why is the money causing the split? I'd be a bit hurt if I inherited something and my DH was completely focused on getting 'their' share and squirreling it away into a separate account!

I think it's entirely possible that, since you dont have the money, he is getting fed up with the suggestions of what it's being spent on.

If you have always been skint, this is a chance not to be. Maybe its stressing him out and you coming up with ways to spend it isnt helping. All topped off with the joke about the car. Twice in one day.

As pp said, twice in one day would feel like a hint.

I am always skint. If I had sone money on the horizon and dp was always joking about big expenditures it would stress me out.

What I am saying is that I think this money is causing you both stress and both of you are acting in odd ways.

If the counselling helped, maybe the money would be best kept, then pay for a few more sessions and dont make any lonetry decisions until then.

Why are you staying up nights worrying. If you had no money, that's when to worry You are just getting used to it, it takes a while..