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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DD saw a recent bill from her dad’s solicitor

140 replies

Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 12/04/2019 23:57

At her dad’s place, with a headline ‘Separation from Toolonguntilthenextholiday’ - I don’t understand - we are separated, never married and there is nothing that would require a solicitor.

It kind of worries me - should I ask?

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 13/04/2019 00:07

Could be a million things
Changes to /remove you from

His will
His next of kin
Pension beneficiary
Life insurance beneficiary

Chocmallows · 13/04/2019 00:11

Yes ask, but away from DD.

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 00:14

Thanks Brie - this is very likely a change in his will or something like this. Makes sense to instruct a family lawyer. But should the title not be ‘Your will/pension/etc instead of ‘separation’?

OP posts:
Saltystraw · 13/04/2019 00:16

Custody?

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 00:18

He has form for underhand, sneaky behaviour and this is why I am worried.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 00:24

DD is 14. Custody would largely be her own decision - been there, done that. He is not paying maintenance and I am not asking for any, as it’s pointless. He is a company director, but takes dividends and these don’t count as regular income. The CMS has assessed him to pay £20 per week and I am not going after him for CM.
I travel sometimes for work, not too much and then he looks after DD. He did mention something about shared custody the other day, but I just laughed, as this was motivated by him asking me for money.

OP posts:
MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord · 13/04/2019 00:25

This is sounding potentially horrid, so keeping everything crossed for you.

GabsAlot · 13/04/2019 00:26

finances home ownership?

Theimpossiblegirl · 13/04/2019 00:36

A way of hiding his income/assets? I would be getting what maintenance you can get, it is your daughter's entitlement.

churchthecat · 13/04/2019 01:12

Why on earth is he asking you for money?

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 08:43

He is asking for money, because money is his entire focus. He is now telling me that I earn more than him - poor effort on his behalf, as I was part time for 15 years while raising our children. Now he seems to think that he is somehow entitled to my income and I should have to pay him for looking after DD - for ca 8 days on average per month? I may have a higher salary than he has, but I am an employee, not a company owner with ten staff, like he is and he has the flexibility to pay himself a low salary to avoid CM and high dividends. His logic is that he does not have to pay CM, as his income is lower than mine. We have 1 child going to university soon and one child in secondary education.

I don’t think this was about his will, as his will has been done by another solicitor.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 13/04/2019 08:47

Have you made arrangements already to separate your financial affairs? If you're not divorced, could he have claims on any of your finances? Are you still financially linked?

You could do worse than consult a solicitor yourself, if you are still financially linked in any way.

flumpybear · 13/04/2019 08:49

Does he know your financial circumstances?

Did your DD see if the document had a date?

Wondering if you'll get a letter soon asking for your income details and shared or more custody!?

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 08:49

Btw I never stopped the children from seeing him. I ignore him and have not asked for any contributions since my income improved over two years ago. He keeps wanting to discuss finances - my finances are none of his business.

It’s too much hassle to go after CM - he would just use this for a never ending letter writing exercise and solicitors costs about my alleged ‘wrongdoings’ and the rights and wrongs of our former relationship and this would take up to much of my time. I don’t have the time to deal with him, I rather spend it with my children and focus on my job to improve my income, instead of trying to get him to pay anything. I’m still paying off my previous legal bills due to our separation ...

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 13/04/2019 08:49

Grin he’ll be laughed out of the solicitors office/court room for that request.

I do love when people separate/divorce and still think they are married to the other persons bank account. My ex tried that as I’m the higher earned, he paid less than he should do for 1 dc, let alone 2, the solicitor sent him off with a flea in his ear.

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 08:51

DD scanned it. Grin it was a recent date - a month ago and a recent consultation.

We were never married.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 08:55

Exactly! He was never married to me, but believes he is entitled to my income! He keeps telling me what it cost him to fund the family while the children were young and I could not work much (DD was not well) he seems to think I owe him money for this time when my financial contributions were low.

OP posts:
RaffertyFair · 13/04/2019 08:57

Could it be that it's the same solicitor he used for the separation but this consultation was on a different matter and the solicitor forgot to change the reference on the system ..?

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 09:01

Btw I provide all the food and everything else when he is looking after DD. He never tops up supplies and I usually return to an empty fridge which is not great after a long haul flight. Not even any milk left for coffee in the morning. I think he tries to consume as much as he can while he is here to spend as much as possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 09:02

Rafferty it is a different solicitor. He is avoiding to pay the previous solicitor so he has to use a new one I think. He had not used this new solicitor before, to my knowledge.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 13/04/2019 09:02

I wouldn’t mention it as you will have to explain how you know. This is a problem for your DD who presumably chooses to see her father, something that is convenient for your travelling. Plus I can’t see it leading to anything other than a row. He can’t sue you for money and if he wants maintenance he can only via CMS. Hopefully his solicitor told him straight.

The thing that I would worry about is the DD passing on his private information, that can work both ways. She might be unintentionally doing the same about things going on in your home. I would discuss this with her and explain she should respect both your ex’s privacy and your privacy.

BertrandRussell · 13/04/2019 09:04

You need to ask. And maybe stand ready to instruct your own solicitor.

User457990033gYpovd7 · 13/04/2019 09:05

Well if your DD scanned the letter then surely it says something else in the body of the bill as you have only stated what the "headline" says?

How was DD able to see this? Was it clearly overlooked or just left idly about for her to find?

MyOtherProfile · 13/04/2019 09:05

I would just ask him.

LemonTT · 13/04/2019 09:05

Is he staying in your home when you are away?