DD saw a recent bill from her dad’s solicitor

[Toolonguntilthenextholiday]

At her dad’s place, with a headline ‘Separation from Toolonguntilthenextholiday’ - I don’t understand - we are separated, never married and there is nothing that would require a solicitor.

It kind of worries me - should I ask?

How is it he had a restraining order and now you are allowing him into your house?

Agree that It is waste of time chasing maintenance from someone who can adapt the company accounts to make himself look unable to pay CMS fully. But, if he is so bad, why are you trusting him with your DD? Teenage is a highly charged time when her views of what relationships are formed and when her family interactions can add more stress to an already difficult time. Do the decent thing and not leave him in charge. (I know it is difficult and costly but WTF? )

Are you still in a house that you bought together and are still in because of the children? Is there equity in that that he might be trying to claim, now one dc is of to uni?

hes bullying you-he has a restraining order that hes ignoring and threatning you so youve given in to his demands

they will only get worse

I echo Sandy’s comment that your DD is at risk of seeing very poor examples of adult behaviour and relationships. I expect he was awful when you were together and she watched you deal with that. Now you are separated she is experiencing pretty much the same thing.

He is controlling you in an abusive way even though you are apart. If you don’t behave he harasses you, so you have learnt to just allow him to get away with his unreasonable behaviour and financial abuse which now extends to his children. They respond in the same way. When you should be breaking contact with him altogether.

Letting an abusive man in and out of your life and your home is not a separation. Claim the £20 and pay for someone to stay over with your daughter when you are away. If he doesn’t provide food for her when she visits him, tell her to come home.

Set your boundaries properly and if he behaves badly then take legal action definitely and finally.

Op, I really sympathise. It must be hard to get feedback from strangers about decisions that you've made while under such pressure from an abusive man.

Maybe take some time to read the comments again and perhaps think about why people have reacted so strongly.

Men who repeatedly breach boundaries, who coercively control and threaten at every level are frightening and often women's understandable responses are to accommodate and soothe. You are trying to manage this as well as caring for your children in the hope that his behaviour will not impact on them. Suddenly posters on here are telling you that this strategy is not good - for you or for your children and that's a lot to absorb. You need to process this.

Do take time to think and keep posting. There are some very wise posters on here with much experience and although at times people can be a bit quick to tell you what to do, here you will have a lot of support to help you work your way through such challenging issues and to put in place effective boundaries that will protect you and your children from his abuse.

Actually - there is not much ‘behaviour’ currently. I reiterated why I really don’t want to chase after CM. This saga needs to end and while I am facilitating contact with DD with the odd hiccup, I personally have nothing much to do with him other than communicating my departure and arrival times when I am away and making sure DD and DS have clean laundry (although DS is doing his own laundry) and the fridge is full and she has some spare cash. DS is an excellent example for DD and she is not growing up with an abusive father - just because he is tight and forgetful does not mean that he is the Antichrist. You guys exaggerate a little. She can tell right from wrong and I have already left the bastard. 😃

The restraining order has expired and he has stopped to send me letters. But he would start again taking up my time if I requested CM which would be an all consuming effort. I am not willing to start this unless I really have nothing else to do.

“ You guys exaggerate a little.”

Er, it was you that said he hates your guts so much so that at one point you took a restraining order out on him. Now you’re portraying him as just a slightly annoying and tight-fisted tit. Which is if?

It

OP...honestly in your situation I'd think about moving a long way away from this guy as as soon as life circumstances permit. Keep working hard at your job and career prospects, get the kids into higher education and consider a new job opportunity well out of his reach. You will have more options once the kids fly the nest. Make it clear he's not welcome to come visit you.
Threats to contact your employees etc are all efforts to sabotage your independence and success. He sounds seriously unhinged. I'd put him at arms length for your own sanity. You must thank your lucky stars that you never wed this man. He has to be once of the worst I've ever heard described on the mumsnet hall of shame.

CurlyhairedAssassin I took out the restraining order six years ago, I have moved on. The solicitor’s letter scared me and brought back bad memories and threw me off a bit. Who wants to be in the subject line of a solicitor’s letter?

Thank you Tinkobell for your compassion and for not judging me.

I don't judge you because he sounds like a total git. I'm glad your mature son has got the measure of his Dad...because he is not acting like a true man; it's good that he can see that.
I just worry OP that he's clever and he's thought ahead and is creating a pathetic smokescreen with his daft retrospective claim knowing full well that the real cash burden that lies ahead is the kids higher education. It's amazing that you have stepped up and grown your career an earnings, but you have no insurance policy as such (critical illness etc) and it goes against all my sense of inner justice that you should be solely funding the raising the kids - when their biological father could and should pay. I'd find that a hard place to settle but I respect your situation and hope you can severe all ties with him as soon as possible.

Tinkobell he is a total git and he is obstinately refusing to pay for anything that dies not involve him. We had a meal out today - he invited us and the kids don’t go without me. It ended badly. We ended up discussing uni funding for DS and maintenance for DD in the car after the kids had gone into the house and he insisted that he does not have to pay anything at all because I earn so much more than him. The fact that he is a total loser admitting that he earns a pittance in front of the mother of his children who virtually stayed at home with them for fifteen years does not seem to bother him in the slightest.

He thinks that he is safe in the knowledge that the court won’t get involved in CM. And of course I only have DD living with me to screw money out of him. What money? And he would take DD off me, because I am such a bad mother.

Toolonguntilthenextholiday be warned - he may very well be looking to claim maintenance from you. I'm in exactly this position - older DD sold a crock of shit by her nan & that mommy is very bad (cause I told her off for bullying her sister - i wont tolerate that) Result being that DD says she wants to live with her nan & her dad who is not allowed contact as he's abusive, yet claims child benefit & maintenance which is taken straight our of my wages. He 'can't afford to pay maintenance' for younger Dd but has a luxury car & 2 houses let out. No-one in authority give one shiny shit that I struggle to provide for our other child - rent & bills outstrips my salary so I'm constantly in debt. Older girl goes to school in a blazer too small and ripped with shoes that should've gone in the bin at Christmas yet he gets over £450 for a child he's not supposed to see unsupervised! It's a disgrace & apparently I have to suck it up til shes 18. Welcome to 21st C Britain.

I know.