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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DD saw a recent bill from her dad’s solicitor

140 replies

Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 12/04/2019 23:57

At her dad’s place, with a headline ‘Separation from Toolonguntilthenextholiday’ - I don’t understand - we are separated, never married and there is nothing that would require a solicitor.

It kind of worries me - should I ask?

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 13/04/2019 09:32

I wouldn't ask him about the letter OP....you don't want any unpleasant ramifications for your DD who probably shouldn't have eye balled private mail. Common sense says it's a bloody joke that he tries to make a retrospective claim or 'pay back' from you now for expenses he incurred whilst you were on a lower income and raising children. He sounds angry and jealous OP....of your independence and success. He also sounds like a lazy shite sponger. If you were never married I just can't see that he'd have a legal leg to stand on. Sounds ridiculous. Let him waste money on legal fees. In the meantime go see a lawyer yourself - double check that he'd never have any potential claim. Make sure he's not in any of your wills. Be mindful that he's not trying to use this as threatening, coercive and controlling behaviour. He sounds so dreadful, poor you.

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 09:34

I can try to speak to his old solicitor and ask what’s going on, as my understanding is that everything has been settled between us two years ago. I am not keen on another round of letter writing and having to suffer to reply to his accusations and all the other nonsense he spouts. I don’t need a solicitor to deal with him and I am also still paying for the last one :-(

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 13/04/2019 09:35

You can only make sure your own set up is water tight from his meddlings OP. Don't go poking around in his affairs unless you are forced to....at which point hit him with the £20 p/w payment (retrospectively) ...which might be enforceable if that was agreed in court?

Robin2323 · 13/04/2019 09:36

Stop the home visits.
Not s clean break otherwise.

At 14 and with the advent of mobile phones my daughter arranged contact herself.

Saw her dad every other Sunday unless she was with her friends.

By 16 this dropped down considerably.

Where did she see this letter if she doesn't go to her dads ?

The letter was left out for her to see.

Ignore.

You were never married and do not live together.

Leave it to your daughter you do not need any contact at all.

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 09:37

DD is actually very good and compassionate with him, but she sees him as he is and has no expectations. She is also very patient and puts up with a lot from him, including having to pay for his shopping (and I give her the money back) when he forgets his wallet when they are out together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 09:38

DD sees him at his work and the place he stays but she does not stay over.

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 13/04/2019 09:39

He keeps telling me what it cost him to fund the family while the children were young and I could not work much (DD was not well) he seems to think I owe him money for this time when my financial contributions were low.

Keep telling him what it cost you in terms of your time and potential earning capacity when you could not work much because you were caring for your JOINT children. Your financial contributions were indeed low; how significant were his childcare contributions, though?

Does he think that people who do childcare, but professionally and for other people's children, don't expect to be paid anything and are just having a bit of a lark for a giggle?

Tinkobell · 13/04/2019 09:40

If he doesn't have the cash now to cover costs of caring for DD on his limited custody time then talk about cutting that time back to a level that he can afford ....fgs don't give him a penny though. The discussion would need to be "if you can't afford x days, how many days can you afford?" .....sounds like his business might be struggling. But that's not your problem. Well done getting a brill job OP! I love it when women triumph over shitheads.

needsahouseboy · 13/04/2019 09:40

Some men are such pricks. I nearly died having my son and the Dr was struck off and I claimed compensation - screwed up my life for a while and changed my career. My ex thought he would be entitled to half my compensation despite the fact he left me and it hadn't even been awarded while we were together. His reasons...it happened to him too WTF!

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 09:42

I think she did the right thing telling me. However it came about that she saw that, she should not have to worry about whether or not to tell me and all the ifs and buts. Why should she have to be burdened with this type of ‘secret’? I am not going to tell him that I know about it. DS is not surprised. He is always expecting his dad to be up to no good.

OP posts:
Sawyershair · 13/04/2019 09:42

It really isn’t too much hassle to sort out the dividends.

My ex is exactly the same, just call CM and tell them you want to request a variation as he pays himself dividends. They will ask HMRC for the figures and adjust your award.

Ex had 50k in dividends he “forgot” to tell them about

wafflyversatile · 13/04/2019 09:43

How much is it? I think just ignore it. If he's been invoiced he may have already received the advice he sought and told he'd be laughed out of court.

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 09:43

needsahouseboy I am so sorry to hear that. I hope he did not get any compensation?

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 13/04/2019 09:44

At 14 I can tell you that very very soon sadly your DD may drift from him if he continues to be a pain in the arse in her life and not give her enjoyable quality time. And that is because her maturity will present her with more choice - "would i rather spend the next day with Dad at work who forgets his wallet...or would I rather hang out with mates at mums place" .....I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. He's an idiot for not realising this.

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 09:45

It’s not a high invoice - not more than 4 hours or so.

OP posts:
SlipperOrchid · 13/04/2019 09:47

OP When he stays in your house, is it possible if he snooped that he found personal papers - investments, bank statements etc?

Who owns the house? Whose name is on the deeds?
I’m inclined to think he is going after the house or checking his ‘rights’ when your DD finishes school.

He sounds charming!

Tinkobell · 13/04/2019 09:47

He deliberately forgets his bloody wallet, so that she pays and then YOU have to pay her back. What a manipulative shit head. Take her card from her OP and explain why you're doing it. Just give her limited cash to take next time.

LonelyTiredandLow · 13/04/2019 09:48

Am wondering if he has had a consultation about the advice he was given about your separation? Esp if he is now thinking he didn't get what he was entitled to and hasn't paid the previous sols.

Sunshinegirl82 · 13/04/2019 09:48

I am a solicitor and to be honest I wouldn't waste too much time worrying about it now. It's entirely possible he went to see someone about trying to claim money from you and was told he didn't have a chance. It happens all the time.

When you have something to deal with then deal with it. You may never hear anything about it again.

Clutterbugsmum · 13/04/2019 10:05

including having to pay for his shopping (and I give her the money back) when he forgets his wallet when they are out together. I'd tell her to stop this. He an adult and quite able to sort out paying for his shopping when their isn't another wallet around. He will soon stop when his is embarrassed every time when she refuses to pay.

And as for him staying at your home a few days a month would it be cheaper to pay for either a trusted friend or an au pair type person to stay.

Annonymiss123 · 13/04/2019 10:07

She is also very patient and puts up with a lot from him, including having to pay for his shopping

This, and the fact that it’s you and not he pays her back is outrageous! He sounds like a prize prick tbh.

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 10:08

Tinkobell I am absolutely not taking her card away from DD - she should not be faced with a situation in a shop and her dad unable to pay. It’s bad enough for her that he picks fights with virtually everyone who looks at him the wrong way and this is very upsetting for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 10:10

Clutterbugsmum having him stay is the safest and painless way to facilitate contact and stopping his endless complaints about contact.

OP posts:
ANiceLuxury · 13/04/2019 10:12

@sawyershair

Did the CMS backdate his payments as he hadnt been paying enough or did the new payments start from when you requested the variation?

naturalbornflapper · 13/04/2019 10:14

I was just about to say the same @Tinkobell ! I suspect he costs you way more when looking after his dd for 8 days a month than you would receive per week currently through CMS.

I also think he would get a massive shock if a variation was done as I'm quite sure it would be re-assessed as significantly more than £20 a week! (Though I completely get your reasons for not pursuing him.)