DD saw a recent bill from her dad’s solicitor

[Toolonguntilthenextholiday]

At her dad’s place, with a headline ‘Separation from Toolonguntilthenextholiday’ - I don’t understand - we are separated, never married and there is nothing that would require a solicitor.

It kind of worries me - should I ask?

But how annoying that I have no way of finding out what shenanigans he is up to again.

It might not be the ‘right’ way for him to do things, but I completely understand ‘why’ it has to be this way. Sometimes it’s the beat of two evil and a case of picking your battles. Plus it’s not an indefinite arrangement, eventually the dc will be old enough to decide how and when to see him.

With regards to child maintenance, it’s irrelevent how mich you have or earn, you could have millions in the bank and earn £200000 a year and he’d still have to pay £20. But again, pick your battles. My ex decided he’d only pay £250 a month. Should be closer to £500, but I simply can’t be arsed and it’s way more hassle than it’s worth. I’m lucky I earn decent money and don’t have to rely on it.

Don’t give it any headspace. You don’t know what it is and worrying about it will make no difference to whether you hear more about ut or not. By thinking about it you are doing what he wants you to do - thinking about him.

If your current arrangement works for you and for your DD I wouldn’t rock it now. Your DD will be fully grown soon and the need for any arrangements will soon be over. I think this will sort itself out in a couple of years.

You know CMS can do a variation - you can state that his lifestyle doesn't match his declared income and I believe you can apply for dividends to be taken into account.

It may be worth speaking to CMS again just so it's all "ready to go" if he does come after you. He sounds incredibly tiresome but at least you only have a few more years of tolerating him.

OP I get why you don't want to engage. I cancelled CMS when they said I would have to go to mediation with ex if I wanted to continue to get my £20pm. Much like your ex he owns a company with his new wife but is apparently on minimum wage despite having horses and flying around the world as a specialist. When dd was a lot younger and he took me to court saying he shouldn't have to pay for her I did try to get a variation to say he was living beyond his 'means' but it was rejected and he became very nasty over email and hasn't ever forgiven me. In fact he's used it as an excuse as to why he never sees dd. It's not worth the aggro.

It's on him if he isn't financially looking after your kids; they (kids) know exactly what he is like from the sounds of things.

As it is a different solicitor to the one he used for the separation, I’d bet he has been told he has no claim on your money (for whatever reason he has convinced himself he is entitled to it) by the original solicitor so has decided he’ll get a second opinion rather than accept that. Either that or he has engaged the new solicitor to prove the other one gave bad advice.

It’ll be all about the money but he’ll get nowhere so don’t concern yourself. He can’t claim maintenance as DD doesn’t even stay overnight at his place occasionally.

Keep on doing what you’re doing - it sounds like you’re doing brilliantly.

@ANiceLuxury, I’m not sure. I only applied for my variation this week and I spoke to them yesterday. Ex declared 7k odd for income tax purposes. Neglected to mention the 50k he had taken in dividends! Waiting to get DDs new award!

She was previously given 10 quid a week. I’m guessing that’s going to go up!

I would be inclined to turn the tables on him by claiming cm. That might make him think that he might be in danger of losing money rather than gaining it. I know can be difficult but refuse to engage with any letters ext not directly to do with the child payments.

If you got it and you don't really need it you could always put it in bank accounts for your kids future as he doesn't seem the kind to help them out with uni, driving lessons or all the other things parents often do if the can for adult children starting out.

I would definitely claim child maintenance. When he's at your house he's using your food, heating, water etc. I don't know anyone who lets their ex live at their house. I know it suits you and your daughter but it will suit him, too. I would claim child maintenance and give half to your son at university and save the other half for when your daughter goes.

What a miserly, miserly man.

OP, if you've got a DC doing A levels right now I can completely understand your wanting to avoid any kind of domestic show-down. But I just can't help but feel that there's something driving this guys behaviour towards you - maybe guilt around your separation or something. Just watch he doesn't use this to try and slowly screw you over financially in a sneaky underhand way; because above-board most people on this thread can't see what possible 'case' he'd conceivably have?
I've a friend in the US who divorced a few years back....she is a high earner. She was worried about the courts forcing her to make payment maintenance payments to her ex as well as pay their x 2 DC's because he became unemployed. However he got a job and showed the courts he could support himself, so she doesn't pay him anything. I cannot conceive why in your case a court in the UK would feel you need to pay him a bean - he's got income and you were not married!

Goodness OP. You keep him coming to your home because otherwise he'll obsessively make my life a misery again with fights about money, maintenance and contact. Has it not occurred to you that someone that obsessive who feels entitled to your time and attention is quite capable of crossing dozens of boundaries as others have suggested.
Snooping, copying, checking your computers etc, installing hidden cameras and tracking devices, copying keys etc?
I'm all for working with exes in the interests of children but your ex has so many red flags there must be concerns about what he actually gets up to in your absence.

Was your house the family home and if so, who paid the mortgage? If he paid more than you is it possible that you feel guilty for the fact that he is no longer living there?

So he stays in your house and you supply all the food. What shopping is it that he does?

Your DD should say she has homework to do and let him go to the shops alone.

I know you think you're doing the right thing...but your actually showing her it's ok for a man to use her financially. She's growing up to see that as normal and will end up seeing nothing wrong with a user like this as her future partner.

After all.."mum pays for dad's shopping even though they aren't together. So nothing wrong with me paying for my boyfriend's"

Kids are a product of their environment and learn from their parents. You're really not doing her any favours by this in the long run.

A young girl being embarrassed by her dad not paying as he has no money....
Yeah she is calling him a loser behind his back, probably to OP as she says how much did he con you out of this time....

The baby's not money he can come after you for is CS, if he has your DD over 50% of the time .
He went , got knocked back and laughed at by Solicitors, and has now got a bill for it...

Can your daughter not "forget" her bank card at least once and see what reaction that gets. Will he suddenly produce his own card or actually leave the shop with nothing.

Firstly it might let him know that he can't rely on her on every visit to the shop and secondly it will show him up to be the tight ass that he is in front of her - in case she doesn't already know. Once might be all it takes.

OP I know I'm harping on about this uni cost thing but, it's something that might need checking. Our DC is planning on going to a cheaper part of the country and we are budgeting on paying £7k per annum living. But if you are a higher rate tax payer, you have to calc that you need your gross salary to be roughly double that to find the net sum - so £14k. If he does a longer degree and you have x 2 DC's at uni at the same point ....you are in for serious costs potentially needing £28k gross just to cover that. Your DC's can work and study to reduce costs but unless you are very comfortable I don't see how you can just free your ex of this cost. You need a pension and savings for your future too.

its still sending a bad message to your dd for the future-let a man do what he wants or he'll get angry pay his way or he'll give u grief

not a great lesson to learn

SandyY2K I thought about your comment, but I believe my DD can differentiate and won’t tolerate such behaviour from a future partner, however, it may make her too suspicious of men.

Tinkobell the war about CM would completely take over my life, he would make my life hell every minute of every day. He would try everything to avoid paying and would send me letter after letter with all sorts of accusations. Even the thought of this wears me out. When we separated, I allocated some of his emails to a very kind friend who helped me deal with this. I just could not stem the tide of incoming correspondence any longer. Threats and accusations, letters to my parents, former employers ... he already threatened to contact my employer to tell them that I owe him money (I don’t) and embarrass me.

Tinkobell that’s the thing - I can afford uni for the DCs but I won’t have any spare funds to make any saving, even if I have a decent income, I am still providing for 2 DCs going to school / uni for 10 more years. I am working very hard to keep all the balls in the air.

“ just could not stem the tide of incoming correspondence any longer. Threats and accusations, letters to my parents, former employers ... he already threatened to contact my employer to tell them that I owe him money (I don’t) and embarrass me.”

Sounds like he needs closer to a restraining order than an invite into your house to babysit your DD.

He did all that in spite of an existing restraining order and got away with it.