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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DD saw a recent bill from her dad’s solicitor

140 replies

Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 12/04/2019 23:57

At her dad’s place, with a headline ‘Separation from Toolonguntilthenextholiday’ - I don’t understand - we are separated, never married and there is nothing that would require a solicitor.

It kind of worries me - should I ask?

OP posts:
churchthecat · 13/04/2019 10:15

He sounds hilariously pathetic OP.

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 10:16

No I get a CMS letter every year with the latest breakdown what they believe he should pay according to their records. I never enforced it.

OP posts:
Rainbunny · 13/04/2019 10:17

Sorry, I haven't rtft and I'm sure someone has suggested it already but could you make an appointment with a solicitor yourself to lay out everything and see if there is anything you should potentially be concerned about? Do you share any assets like your house etc? If you dd is 14 then any custody arrangements will be based a lot on her wishes and obviously will end in 4 years so he can't achieve much in that argument if that's what he might be going for.

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 10:19

He would probably have to pay £1000 per month minimum if assessed properly - for one child, as DS is at uni- and I believe that my income is irrelevant to the CMS assessment.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 13/04/2019 10:22

Your DD is 14 and you have another 17/18 yr old? Why is he needed to look after her at all? No way would I be letting him stay in my house, completely wrong. If he wants to see his child he needs to accommodate her needs, a home with space for her and pay his way; she should not be subbing her dad!

mellicauli · 13/04/2019 10:23

Check on company's house that you aren't an unwitting director at one of his companies. He may be trying to kick the traces of some fraudulent activity. Also do a credit check on yourself . And stop letting him in your house.

Bookworm4 · 13/04/2019 10:25

Also a phone call to HMRC, sounds like they need a look at his business.

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 10:26

DS is off to uni in September and DD does like her dad. I’d rather she sees him in her own home even if this is not great for me. He is an arse, but nobody is just an arse - he has a few good points.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/04/2019 10:28

“I am absolutely not taking her card away from DD - she should not be faced with a situation in a shop and her dad unable to pay. It’s bad enough for her that he picks fights with virtually everyone who looks at him the wrong way and this is very upsetting for her.”

You’re both facilitating his pathetic leeching ways and sending completely the wrong message about this type of man to your daughter.

I wonder why. Does he intimidate you in some way? None of the way you are letting him behave makes any sense whatsoever. Was this the family home that you’re living in? What is the ownership history?

Antonin · 13/04/2019 10:30

OP, hopefully the account was for a consultation that ended up with the solicitor telling him he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Four hours isn’t much and will include time spent writing letters, answering a phone call etc.
Sadly all you can really do is sit tight and hope this leads nowhere.
It might seem petty but keep a diary of all the extra money you have paid out for groceries etc. Estimate how much you spend to “keep” him when he is staying in your home.. Make a list of him known extravagances, albeit some will he will allege belongto the company. The court is not stupid and know how money can be hidden byway of companies.
You’ve done a great job bringing up 2 super DC who are coping maturely with having a berk of a father. (And I intend the rhyming slang)

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 10:39

CurlyhairedAssassin: we are facilitating his behaviour knowingly. It may sound odd, but this is the only way to keep him at arms’ length and not complaining about contact. I have no time to constantly engage with him about that and he would just not give up. He will rack up costs and court costs and write me email after email and if this is all he does all day, this is what he will do. He hates me with a vengeance. He is bitter and feel entitled to my time, the children’s time and my money. He comes, he eats, he goes. That’s fine by me. He has time with the kids and then leaves.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 13/04/2019 10:46

All very allowing him into your house but totally wrong to allow him to leach money from your dd! She can and should be telling him no when he claims to have left his wallet behind. What a twat he sounds.

HollowTalk · 13/04/2019 10:55

I don't know how you're not insane by now. I couldn't have that fucker sleeping in my house. Does he sleep in your bed?

The thing is that you weren't married so there's no financial connection. He can see a solicitor about whatever he wants - it doesn't mean he has a case. You don't owe him a penny, so I wouldn't worry about a court case that he's going to lose anyway.

I bet you can't wait until your children are older!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/04/2019 10:56

“ It may sound odd, but this is the only way to keep him at arms’ length and not complaining about contact. I have no time to constantly engage with him about that and he would just not give up”

This is ringing alarm bells for me. This is not how you should be living. In this situation I would be inclined to cut him off completely and tell you that alll contact will be via a solicitor (if you can afford it).

Perhaps your DD doesn’t really want to see him, but feels like she should because you’re not saying “Enough! No!” And then allowing him to stay in the house - again it’s just sending the wrong message to her.

To be blunt, I don’t agree with your attitude that it’s convenient for you to have this arrangement. It’s just totally wrong and unhealthy for everyone concerned.

lazymoz · 13/04/2019 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/04/2019 11:01

And yes, why the hell would you allow a person who “hates you with a vengeance” to stay in your HOME FGS and treat your DD as a pawn to get back at you?

I mean, come ON! There is help for people like you in this situation if you want to get him away from you.

Foxmuffin · 13/04/2019 11:05

Have you separated any jointly owned assets?

He sounds like an ass.

DHs ex often makes unfounded demands on DHs money and seems to think solicitors can wave a magic wand and make rules to suit her. DH just ignores her and let’s her waste her money on legal bills.

Tinkobell · 13/04/2019 11:07

OP. I understand you not wanting to cause pain to your DD with an unable to pay scenario. However, ask yourself this. When he goes out shopping for himself, does he forget his wallet? Does he have to dump the stuff on the counter and go back home? Course not. This forgetting the wallet business sounds v deliberate and an indirect way of making you pay for his costs when she stops with him. Could she take a packed lunch or food or at least just money for her own meal and costs? Otherwise, carry on doing this, you're just enabling the very behaviour that's morally wrong. You're paying for a quiet life. You keep giving, he will keep taking.

SlipperOrchid · 13/04/2019 11:07

I get it though OP, anything for an easier life. Somebody occupying so much time needlessly is frustrating, exhausting but ultimately plain annoying!

He obviously is bitter and these people can be dangerous as they consume so much time and energy into ‘payback’ as they are literally unable to move forward with their own life while consumed with bitterness. I would be amazed if he isn’t using his time in your home to snoop around your and if you have a partner (his) personal things. Though I imagine after putting up with such a person you are happily man free 😀

MuttsNutts · 13/04/2019 11:10

Is it not just an outstanding bill from two years ago?

If he’s as much if an entitled dick as he sounds he’s probably trying to get out of paying them as well.

MuttsNutts · 13/04/2019 11:12

Sorry, just seen it is a different solicitor.

mummmy2017 · 13/04/2019 11:14

I do understand what you mean, my children never saw their dad without having money to use .
Sometimes doing what is right and doing what gives you a quiet life is a different matter.

Tinkobell · 13/04/2019 11:15

I've got a DC going to uni too in sept. Tuitions via a loan but the living costs are a lot .....would your DC qualify for maintenance? Surely this father has to pay for some of his DC's higher education?!!!
Honestly, I think he's a deluded fantasist if he thinks he can recoup money from you for paying for his own children as they were growing up.....it'd be a landmark in the courts. He obviously has a massive chip on his shoulder from years gone by. But the reality is the pressing issue of funding your DC's education for the next few years and what contribution this company director is going to make?
In the same position, I'd hang him out to dry and not have him inside my house, ever.

Original poster
Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 13/04/2019 11:32

I need him to babysit DD when DS will be at uni and I will be travelling for work. He’s still cheaper than an overnight nanny and he will do the school run.

He sleeps on the sofa.

I have no intentions to make my life a misery again and engage with him in any fight about money, maintenance and contact unless I absolutely have to. He is not obligated to fund uni and he won’t. No point in me even trying. I would waste my time and energy which I could use to earn the money I need.

OP posts:
Middersweekly · 13/04/2019 11:36

If the letter is from a month ago and no further action has been taken (ie you haven’t received any formal letters from a solicitor etc), then I would take it that he likely went for a consultation regarding money but was told he’s not entitled to any.
He sounds childish and financially inept! He clearly can’t let the relationship go. As far as your dd goes I would have your eldest look after his sister when you go away when he’s back from Uni. In 2 years time she can look after herself and he need not be in your house to see her any longer!