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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I just need honest advice from anyone

154 replies

Lnka2 · 09/04/2019 11:58

My boyfriend in the first year of our relationship was sending and receiving naked pics from girls on Snapchat and then lying that it was a software error.

I later found out he was on these dating websites and escort websites and was even offering himself to be a male escort for money,

In the second year I found out he has been cheating on me with escorts over and over and he must have connected with one emotionally because he let one in his work place (as he was a career) and she later reported him for it, he got sacked because of that!

I still stayed with him and he is severely dyslexic so I helped him find a job as a bus driver. He then had to move to Chelmsford

I also later found out on his DBS that he got in trouble with the police for trying to chat up an underaged girl who was in her school uniform.

Soon his discharge from work due to letting a prostitute in will probably appear on the dbs

Later last year I caught messages on his phone trying to book a different prostitutes and even when I showed him the proof he STILL denied it and said someone had hacked his phone, I later found out he had been using another phone to do this! And it showed on I message.

We agreed I could keep the phone for a bit of reassurance that he isnt using it for these stuff

Not long after, the phone was missing,
He listened to me on the phone looking for the phone and crying and kept denying he took it, it took him two days to finally admit he took it, cruelty at its best.

After three years of being together I recently found out that he has been going on plenty of fish.

Aside all of these things he cannot tell the truth to save his life, he is constantly lying even when he doesn’t need to.

The first time he cheated I got so hurt and upset and wanted to hurt him so I went and cheated on him twice. And I sent him the audio recording so it could cut him deep. I know that was wrong but I am so bitter and resent him. I am the most loyal person ever but he hurt me sooo soo much he’s just done too many stuff and so I feel like I have changed into this careless person.

Recently I went to sleep at another guys house and wanked him off after me and my bf had an argument.

My bf found out and forgave me.

I still feel that he has done way more than me and both times I have cheated it has been out of pain and betrayal

But when he has cheated it has just been for no reason at all because I do have sex with him, so that means it’s just something he wants to do.

Cheating is wrong anyway I understand that.

We are still together but things are now falling apart

I have got a really good job in Bristol and my boyfriend agreed to move with me and put in a transfer with his bus company

But we argued last week so I left for a few days and when I came back all of a sudden he said he wanted space and he doesn’t want to go to Bristol anymore anymore

We talked a bit and he said he will only go once I get confirmation for my start date( it’s with hmrc and they recruit almost a year in advance ), the problem is that is that they not give start dates a month in advance and it is likely his transfer will take longer than that ( he knows this ). I feel like this is a way to get me to go and he will never come.

But the plan was to move there and start a new life

The past few days he has said he will go then when we argue all of a sudden he says he doesn’t want to, he first said it’s cause he’s settled in and it took him a lot of hard work to learn to be a bus driver due to his learning disability. ( even though he’s got a transfer with the same company). Then he said it’s risky cause we are not stable, but I’m taking the same risk tho. Just excuses excuses.

First he said he hasn’t cancelled his transfer, then later he said he had. I have anxiety and this lying just puts me on edge, he knows this.

I have made him understand that if he doesn’t come with me in July this relationship is over because I have invested so much time in him supported him in uni because he didn’t even know he was severely dyslexic and was ignoring the signs, he couldn’t finish uni but that first year I did most of his assignments along side my own for uni.

Every job he has ever gotten I have helped him prepare for the interview and taken tests for him, he knows how hard I have worked throughout uni and I finally got a job above 31 k related to what I Studied in uni so now it’s his turn to support me.

I am not doing no long distance I feel I deserve bette than that from him after everything I have done for him.

I feel so hurt and i know that this relationship has gotten so bad but I don’t want to give up.

OP posts:
catinboots99 · 09/04/2019 11:59

Why on earth do you want to stay with this prick? Ditch him and move on with your new life.

SparklyMagpie · 09/04/2019 12:06

Bloody hell

That's all I can say

StillNotMe · 09/04/2019 12:12

How old are you?
It's not even that he's loaded so you cannot say you're ignoring his cheating as he provides a good life for you.
Wtaf have I just read.
Just dump him. It will be easy when you move to Bristol.

Musti · 09/04/2019 12:14

Omg leave him. There is nothing redeeming about him

Lnka2 · 09/04/2019 12:15

25

OP posts:
HowlsMovingBungalow · 09/04/2019 12:17

I second the 'Bloody Hell' post.

whitesoxx · 09/04/2019 12:17

Erm dump him. Obviously. And stop having revenge sex. It's not healthy

Orlandointhewilderness · 09/04/2019 12:18

this is toxic. He is a twat, and cheating on someone because they did it first is not the way to deal with it. Understandable, but not right. Come on, there is a better life out there!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2019 12:18

How old are you?.

Why have you wasted your precious time on this person at all, what has been in this relationship at all for you?.

Why do you value yourself so poorly here?. Are you codependent in relationships, what did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up. Have a read too of the "sunken costs fallacy" in relationships because you seem to be stuck well and truly in that too.

DeeCeeCherry · 09/04/2019 12:18

Seek counselling to find out what is within you that you want a relationship with a sexual deviant who also has an unhealthy interest in underage girls.

You need to forget him and do the self-work. Not looking at who and what we let into our lives, instead wanting a magic answer that will somehow change a person to suit you (impossible unicorn thinking) is a recipe for disaster.

Im incredulous that you are here on a forum of mostly women describing a creep who sounds utterly sickening and would be abhorrent to most, and asking for relationship advice so you can stay with him + 'You dont want to give up'.

I dont know how you can even let that thru your front door, much less touch you. Do the self-work, theres a lot of online advice/links out there to help you. Google.

Have an STD test too.

HazardGhost · 09/04/2019 12:19

Just dump him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2019 12:21

Make your 26th year on planet Earth a damn sight happier going forward. And needless to say without this dipshit of a man in your life at all.

Work on rebuilding your life and seek counselling re rebuilding your own self from the ground up too. You cannot ever afford to choose a man so badly.

Lnka2 · 09/04/2019 12:21

I forgot to mention that we are starting relationship counselling Next week

OP posts:
Aimily · 09/04/2019 12:21

As above, this is toxic and unfair. Dump him, you've put up with a lot, and clearly the revenge sex you have had hadn't made you feel better. You need to cut your losses and go be happy in Bristol!

Sadiesnakes · 09/04/2019 12:21

Wtaf have I just read? It really doesn't get much worse does it?
Is there even any point in giving advice since you've put up with all he's done? What's wrong with you op?Confused

gamerchick · 09/04/2019 12:22

If you can't give him up yet then how about raising your own self esteem a bit? It's obviously on the floor.

Do you work, have outside hobbies?

Lnka2 · 09/04/2019 12:22

Thank you all for being honest

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2019 12:23

There is no point at all in doing relationship counselling. NO decent counsellor would ever want to see the two of you in the same room together.

Counselling for your own self and without him present is necessary for you.

Lnka2 · 09/04/2019 12:23

Being going gym a lot. in the last 6 months my self esteem has really improved but it could still be better

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 09/04/2019 12:26

I am struggling to even believe this is real. And if it is, I want to shake you.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 09/04/2019 12:27

Please don't go to relationship counselling, OP.

Instead, invest in therapy for yourself, to unpick and explore what it is that you learned about relationships growing up, and how that is shaping how you choose relationships now.

morewashingtodooo · 09/04/2019 12:28

Your his mother! You know that right. He can't work out how to apply for jobs but is willing to be a perv?
If your ok wasting more time on him do but the respect went from you the moment you forgave him the second time

LexMitior · 09/04/2019 12:41

Very simple. Don’t go to counselling. Do go to Bristol. Dump this terrible person who is making a fool of you.

ukgift2016 · 09/04/2019 12:44

Oh my, you must have really bad self esteem to have put up with this for so long.

YOU need counseling, not relationship counseling. It beggars belief you have forgiven so much.

Jon65 · 09/04/2019 12:48

You both need to grow up. And relationship counselling is probably not a good idea until he deals with his sexual issues. You should be running a mile. Why aren't you? The message you have given to this person again and again is 'if you cheat on me I'll get pissed off, forgive you and then you can do it again'.

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