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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I just need honest advice from anyone

154 replies

Lnka2 · 09/04/2019 11:58

My boyfriend in the first year of our relationship was sending and receiving naked pics from girls on Snapchat and then lying that it was a software error.

I later found out he was on these dating websites and escort websites and was even offering himself to be a male escort for money,

In the second year I found out he has been cheating on me with escorts over and over and he must have connected with one emotionally because he let one in his work place (as he was a career) and she later reported him for it, he got sacked because of that!

I still stayed with him and he is severely dyslexic so I helped him find a job as a bus driver. He then had to move to Chelmsford

I also later found out on his DBS that he got in trouble with the police for trying to chat up an underaged girl who was in her school uniform.

Soon his discharge from work due to letting a prostitute in will probably appear on the dbs

Later last year I caught messages on his phone trying to book a different prostitutes and even when I showed him the proof he STILL denied it and said someone had hacked his phone, I later found out he had been using another phone to do this! And it showed on I message.

We agreed I could keep the phone for a bit of reassurance that he isnt using it for these stuff

Not long after, the phone was missing,
He listened to me on the phone looking for the phone and crying and kept denying he took it, it took him two days to finally admit he took it, cruelty at its best.

After three years of being together I recently found out that he has been going on plenty of fish.

Aside all of these things he cannot tell the truth to save his life, he is constantly lying even when he doesn’t need to.

The first time he cheated I got so hurt and upset and wanted to hurt him so I went and cheated on him twice. And I sent him the audio recording so it could cut him deep. I know that was wrong but I am so bitter and resent him. I am the most loyal person ever but he hurt me sooo soo much he’s just done too many stuff and so I feel like I have changed into this careless person.

Recently I went to sleep at another guys house and wanked him off after me and my bf had an argument.

My bf found out and forgave me.

I still feel that he has done way more than me and both times I have cheated it has been out of pain and betrayal

But when he has cheated it has just been for no reason at all because I do have sex with him, so that means it’s just something he wants to do.

Cheating is wrong anyway I understand that.

We are still together but things are now falling apart

I have got a really good job in Bristol and my boyfriend agreed to move with me and put in a transfer with his bus company

But we argued last week so I left for a few days and when I came back all of a sudden he said he wanted space and he doesn’t want to go to Bristol anymore anymore

We talked a bit and he said he will only go once I get confirmation for my start date( it’s with hmrc and they recruit almost a year in advance ), the problem is that is that they not give start dates a month in advance and it is likely his transfer will take longer than that ( he knows this ). I feel like this is a way to get me to go and he will never come.

But the plan was to move there and start a new life

The past few days he has said he will go then when we argue all of a sudden he says he doesn’t want to, he first said it’s cause he’s settled in and it took him a lot of hard work to learn to be a bus driver due to his learning disability. ( even though he’s got a transfer with the same company). Then he said it’s risky cause we are not stable, but I’m taking the same risk tho. Just excuses excuses.

First he said he hasn’t cancelled his transfer, then later he said he had. I have anxiety and this lying just puts me on edge, he knows this.

I have made him understand that if he doesn’t come with me in July this relationship is over because I have invested so much time in him supported him in uni because he didn’t even know he was severely dyslexic and was ignoring the signs, he couldn’t finish uni but that first year I did most of his assignments along side my own for uni.

Every job he has ever gotten I have helped him prepare for the interview and taken tests for him, he knows how hard I have worked throughout uni and I finally got a job above 31 k related to what I Studied in uni so now it’s his turn to support me.

I am not doing no long distance I feel I deserve bette than that from him after everything I have done for him.

I feel so hurt and i know that this relationship has gotten so bad but I don’t want to give up.

OP posts:
managedmis · 09/04/2019 13:36

Yeah Chelmsford isn't the best

HowlsMovingBungalow · 09/04/2019 13:38

Half term isn't it?

TheStuffedPenguin · 09/04/2019 13:47

OMG I can't believe what I have just read...leave this person !!!

ohnoessexgirl · 09/04/2019 13:55

Get rid of him. Now.

Shoxfordian · 09/04/2019 13:57

Go to Bristol without him
Dump him
Have some counselling to help you realise not to put up with this shit in future

septembersunshine · 09/04/2019 14:08

Op, please leave this cock and move to Bristol alone. Bristol is great btw, used to live there. Start new life without him and plesse don't drawn in again.

Op. Read back the post. The history there is toxic. You can't continue. Block his number from your phone, get yourself checked for std's then wipe the slate clean and start over.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 09/04/2019 14:10

You may be 25 but you sound very immature.

Please leave this guy for a fresh start whilst you are young with no responsibilities. He's a dick.

I settled down at 24 with a dick and married him. He is now my exh and I regret that it took me to 30 to realise that and to 32 to meet the person I should be with.

MeetMeInMontauk · 09/04/2019 14:16

Have my first ever Biscuit

Sadiesnakes · 09/04/2019 14:22

Nah, this isn't real.
Why are you asking how you leave and yet you live at home with mum and not even with him?
I smell bs.

dangerrabbit · 09/04/2019 14:31

As a trainee relationship therapist if you presented for couples therapy to me and described the above situation I would not take on your case as there is no reason for you to continue to have any contact with this abusive man. You have no shared responsibility such as children and I would not be facilitating your desire to self harm by dating him. Dump this prick, move without him, report your passport as stolen and get your own therapy in Bristol to explore your low self esteem and poor relationship choices, and get an STI check.

Lnka2 · 09/04/2019 14:59

He also says I give him too much hassle and I am always crying and creating problems
But what he doesn’t understand is that he created the problems and then I react in a bad way, I am short tempered but it is something that has happened over the three years we’ve been together because I’m so Tire and bitter with all he has done me, but then when I lose my temper with something he has done or point something out then he used this against me and says that I’m th problem for creasing ‘drama’ and then when I cry then he says I’m always playing he victim

OP posts:
Lnka2 · 09/04/2019 15:12

Also when I found out he cheated I break up with him and blocked him nd he turned up at my house with tonnes of presents begging me to take him back
I haven’t just stayed with him the whole time
My mistake is going back

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2019 15:16

What you describe re his reactions has a name and is called DARVO.

DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behaviour. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim or the whistle blower into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused" and attacks the accuser's credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.

TomorrowsPrincess · 09/04/2019 15:21

*'I am the most loyal person ever'
*
Okaaayyyy!
Having revenge sex isn't loyal.
Staying in this relationship, even if it all turns out ok, isnt right.
He has massive problems, and look what you have done in revenge?

Leave him and go find your self worth!!!

user1479305498 · 09/04/2019 15:22

Relationship counselling! You have to be joking. He’s a useless cheating waster, run very very fast !!!! (And don’t get pregnant)

Lnka2 · 09/04/2019 15:26

I really do appreciate your opinions, even the harsh ones, it’s nice to know that I’m not ‘insane’ for thinking this is totally unacceptable.

Maybe I’m scared of leaving he knows my whole family and according to my aunt he has asked my uncles for perm to marry me
And I saw he bought a ring in his phone
I don’t know what to tell my family

OP posts:
Deadringer · 09/04/2019 15:27

Wtf did I just read! He sounds like a selfish, childish, cheating arsehole! Ditch him for God's sake.

Lnka2 · 09/04/2019 15:29

I am a loyal person but he just pushed me too much I have never been so hurt in my life,
And two days after I found out he totally disappeared all night and that’s when I was like ‘fuck you then’ and went to cheat, I know it was wrong but I’m general I am loyal everyone around me says so

OP posts:
itsinchicago · 09/04/2019 15:30

You want honest advice?

You are a complete and utter fool to have put up with all this shit for so long.

Split up. Right now, and never have anything to do with him again.

onecardshort · 09/04/2019 15:34

Even ignoring the WTF element of your relationship, you sound more like his carer than his partner - walk away and save yourself before the idea that a baby will make it all ok comes into your thought process.

Pianobook · 09/04/2019 15:35

You say it all so casually as if it’s normal but the behaviour of both of you is way beyond normal.

PatricksRum · 09/04/2019 15:36

I got to a point where I could no longer continue reading.
You cheated on him and sent him audio clips.
Are you both 14?

AppleBru · 09/04/2019 15:39

I forgot to mention that we are starting relationship counselling Next week

What in the worlds name do you think this is going to do?
Holy fuck!!! THIS IS NOT NORMAL and NO counselling will fix this

Summersun89 · 09/04/2019 15:40

Wow I am shocked you are with a man who came on to an underage girl!!!! That is disgusting and unforgivable but I find it disgusting that an adult woman would stay with a guy who is a predator. You're condoning his behaviour.
We have all been teenage girls and we have all had vile, older men sleaze on us. I find it unforgivable that a grown woman would allow this behaviour by staying with this vile pervert. What is wrong with you?!

GreenTulips · 09/04/2019 15:46

Do you really think the police are interested in a man trying to chat up a school girl? Surely when he realised the decent thing to do is apologise and move on? There must be more to this, because why would he get a police record for just talking to a school girl? That’s very short sighted of you!!

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