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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I just need honest advice from anyone

154 replies

Lnka2 · 09/04/2019 11:58

My boyfriend in the first year of our relationship was sending and receiving naked pics from girls on Snapchat and then lying that it was a software error.

I later found out he was on these dating websites and escort websites and was even offering himself to be a male escort for money,

In the second year I found out he has been cheating on me with escorts over and over and he must have connected with one emotionally because he let one in his work place (as he was a career) and she later reported him for it, he got sacked because of that!

I still stayed with him and he is severely dyslexic so I helped him find a job as a bus driver. He then had to move to Chelmsford

I also later found out on his DBS that he got in trouble with the police for trying to chat up an underaged girl who was in her school uniform.

Soon his discharge from work due to letting a prostitute in will probably appear on the dbs

Later last year I caught messages on his phone trying to book a different prostitutes and even when I showed him the proof he STILL denied it and said someone had hacked his phone, I later found out he had been using another phone to do this! And it showed on I message.

We agreed I could keep the phone for a bit of reassurance that he isnt using it for these stuff

Not long after, the phone was missing,
He listened to me on the phone looking for the phone and crying and kept denying he took it, it took him two days to finally admit he took it, cruelty at its best.

After three years of being together I recently found out that he has been going on plenty of fish.

Aside all of these things he cannot tell the truth to save his life, he is constantly lying even when he doesn’t need to.

The first time he cheated I got so hurt and upset and wanted to hurt him so I went and cheated on him twice. And I sent him the audio recording so it could cut him deep. I know that was wrong but I am so bitter and resent him. I am the most loyal person ever but he hurt me sooo soo much he’s just done too many stuff and so I feel like I have changed into this careless person.

Recently I went to sleep at another guys house and wanked him off after me and my bf had an argument.

My bf found out and forgave me.

I still feel that he has done way more than me and both times I have cheated it has been out of pain and betrayal

But when he has cheated it has just been for no reason at all because I do have sex with him, so that means it’s just something he wants to do.

Cheating is wrong anyway I understand that.

We are still together but things are now falling apart

I have got a really good job in Bristol and my boyfriend agreed to move with me and put in a transfer with his bus company

But we argued last week so I left for a few days and when I came back all of a sudden he said he wanted space and he doesn’t want to go to Bristol anymore anymore

We talked a bit and he said he will only go once I get confirmation for my start date( it’s with hmrc and they recruit almost a year in advance ), the problem is that is that they not give start dates a month in advance and it is likely his transfer will take longer than that ( he knows this ). I feel like this is a way to get me to go and he will never come.

But the plan was to move there and start a new life

The past few days he has said he will go then when we argue all of a sudden he says he doesn’t want to, he first said it’s cause he’s settled in and it took him a lot of hard work to learn to be a bus driver due to his learning disability. ( even though he’s got a transfer with the same company). Then he said it’s risky cause we are not stable, but I’m taking the same risk tho. Just excuses excuses.

First he said he hasn’t cancelled his transfer, then later he said he had. I have anxiety and this lying just puts me on edge, he knows this.

I have made him understand that if he doesn’t come with me in July this relationship is over because I have invested so much time in him supported him in uni because he didn’t even know he was severely dyslexic and was ignoring the signs, he couldn’t finish uni but that first year I did most of his assignments along side my own for uni.

Every job he has ever gotten I have helped him prepare for the interview and taken tests for him, he knows how hard I have worked throughout uni and I finally got a job above 31 k related to what I Studied in uni so now it’s his turn to support me.

I am not doing no long distance I feel I deserve bette than that from him after everything I have done for him.

I feel so hurt and i know that this relationship has gotten so bad but I don’t want to give up.

OP posts:
iloveruby · 12/04/2019 22:24

Seriously, what is wrong with you? You seem so desperate for attention - from us, from him....

Honestly, give your head a wobble and get some self respect. How you can even be contemplating having anything to do with him is beyond me.

Block him and get some counselling.

SusieOwl4 · 12/04/2019 22:26

honest opinion? Read your post back . Why are you with him?You deserve more . Just walk away and have an amazing time in Bristol . don't look back . There is a normal life out there waiting for you.

Lnka2 · 12/04/2019 22:33

@iloverubg
I am not desperate for your attention I literally have no one else to talk to
And it’s tough
If you can’t say anything nice please just don’t say anything at all

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 12/04/2019 23:11

Please don't go back to him. You are worth so much more than he can ever give you.

HappyMama01 · 12/04/2019 23:25

What exactly do you want us to say in regards to that??
We are all just repeating ourselves to stay away from him and start fresh.

Christmastree43 · 12/04/2019 23:32

Was this your first relationship OP? And what’s your family background? Why did he ask your uncle’s permission to get engaged? Do people in your family tend to get married/ have kids early?

You should be looking forward to a fresh start in Bristol without this dead weight round your neck, think of all the nice new people you may meet there, the opportunity to start a great career and enjoy living in a new place! It will bring lots of exciting opportunities for you and he will probably realise what he’s lost but by then you will be so far away from caring about him

Chocmallows · 12/04/2019 23:35

Leave him, delete his messages. Be kind to yourself until your confidence grows and get a better single life.

crazycatgal · 12/04/2019 23:46

You're the same age as me and all I can say is that you need to grow up.

This man is obviously a massive waste of space that you need to leave. Having revenge sex and recording it shows immaturity on your part.

Leave and have some time to grow up.

Closetbeanmuncher · 12/04/2019 23:48

I'm fairly certain you dont want to be married to a sex addicted paedophile.

If you want this cycle to end you must be strong.

Don't respond.

Shortandsweet96 · 12/04/2019 23:52

No amount of wanking somebody off will numb the pain of being cheated it. That just put you in a sticky situation yourself.

Leave.

WhoAmIToTellYou · 13/04/2019 00:48

You dont have any kids- nothing to work for and stick together. Cut him loose, seriously, this wont get better. Go to Bristol and build a new life for yourself💐

HelenUrth · 13/04/2019 01:19

My skin is crawling reading this. I feel like I need to wash my phone. Ugh. Wish I hadn't clicked on this one.

Lnka2 · 13/04/2019 10:04

Wash you phone and let us know tommorrow how it went 😊

OP posts:
Lnka2 · 13/04/2019 10:07

@shortandsweet @whiamitotellyou
Your right
I have now told my mum and my close cousin so it helps that family know

And just so everyone is clear if you think I want attention or are tired of this thread just don’t comment or un-watch the thread or something

I’m just coming here for a bit of support especially when I feel tempted.

Isn’t this website for supporting people and giving opinions? Like I don’t get it,

Acting like you’re all perfect 🤷🏾‍♀️

OP posts:
Lnka2 · 15/04/2019 19:28

I started the counselling
He has since sent more emails
Feeling depresssed and just overeating
Been feeling like this since yesterday
I have revision to do for professional ACCA
been avoiding it for two days
Mum suffers from depression so no support from her
Honestly feel so alone wtf

OP posts:
BeardyButton · 15/04/2019 19:41

O op.... I wish I could say sonething to help you. I kissed my fair share of toads. And this man is a toad. Being with him sounds like self harm. That you get some sort of relief from it, but you know it is wrong. One thing is certain - he will not change. And i do have one piece of advice. Do not have children w this man. To subject yourself to this is bad enough, but to provide him as a father to your children would be unconscionable. Be kind to yourself. You deserve far more than this.

funnylittlefloozie · 15/04/2019 20:08

This reply has been deleted

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Lnka2 · 15/04/2019 20:15

Thanks @beardybutton

I will do my best, I just wish the counselling was available 24/7 will try Samaritans

OP posts:
secretrugbyfan · 15/04/2019 20:23

As I am old enough to be your father, I would give you a big hug, tell you how beautiful and clever you were to be in a job that pays you good money after you have studied hard to get where you are. I would then find out where the scroat of a BF was, find him, punch him, tell him to stay away from my amazing daughter and then haul him off to the police on the basis of his attraction to underage girls.

FUCK HIM OFF.

He's lowlife scum who does not deserve you......

Lnka2 · 15/04/2019 20:31

🤗Thanks that is so kind of you and means a lot since I have never had a father there to tell me that
God bless and if you do have a family and children, wish you all the best

OP posts:
DM1209 · 15/04/2019 20:36

You are both in a toxic relationship. Walk away, clean break and allow yourself time to heal alone.

You are worth so much more than this, value yourself and leave him.

Tiredemma · 15/04/2019 21:58

What fuck is wrong with the pair of you???

AlaskaSometimes · 16/04/2019 04:01

What the fuck is wrong with the women jumping on the OP. She’s obviously coming for help to break away from this shithead, she’s not been rude or anything but blunt.

Some of you live in such privileged bubbles you have no clue. Op sounds disadvantaged and like her ex has consistently abused and cheated on her and gaslighted her.

It doesn’t take much imagination to understand that some people come from different upbringings, different backgrounds, different levels of intelligence and ability. Temper your posts with some empathy.

What is it in you people that love to all pile on someone together and try to outdo each other in being horrible to an OP? It’s such an awful part of Mumsnet culture. What pleasure do you get from throwing a punch at someone lying on the ground?

AlaskaSometimes · 16/04/2019 04:03

@funnylittlefloozie I reported your vile abusive post.

Scott72 · 16/04/2019 05:52

This shitheel will have had many many girlfriends over the years. He is one of those men who on paper sounds very unappealing, but in person is charming as hell. OP still sounds in love with him, but this is a love based on an unhealthy psychological dependence, almost like an addiction. She didn't choose this, and it will be hard to break.