Feel humiliated and devastated and don't know what to do - I want a baby and he doesn't

[FreckledLeopard]

So, I've posted about this before. It's like Groundhog Day. And I just don't know how to move forwards or what to do.

I've been with DP for 3 years. We each have adult children (I have a daughter who is 18 and who I had at 19). His children are similar ages (19/18). My DD lives with me. His live with their mother/independently.

This is the first 'healthy' relationship I guess I've had. I was previously married about 10 years ago, but for the wrong reasons and it ended pretty quickly. I had another LTR of a few years which didn't work out. Then I met DP.

It's not been plain sailing for the time we've been together. Various issues with all of our children (mine's been depressed, problems at school). One of his has been seriously ill, but now hopefully out the other side, though there's a chance the illness will come back.

We're fine money-wise. Have a nice house, mortgage will be paid off in a decade. I earn decent money. Have a nice lifestyle. Live in a nice area.

I want a baby. He doesn't. We talked about it from the outset of the relationship. I mentioned it on our first date and said I didn't want to rule out having more kids. At the time, he wasn't for or against and we just wanted to be together and enjoy each other. It was discussed a few other times and then life events overtook us. We had a year of his daughter being seriously ill and having treatment. He was isolated from his children by acrimonious relationship with his ex-wife during this time, though things now fine and he has lots of contact with his kids. My DD had issues at school. Work has been stressful. Any discussion of future children in this time period ended in major rows with him unable to decide anything. So the issue was parked.

We're now in a period where things are calm. He talks about getting married, weddings, rings. But nothing can happen because we still can't get past the question of having more children. I want a baby with him. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to do it on my own again. I want what my colleagues, friends, neighbours have - marriage and babies. He doesn't want a child. And I'm in absolute despair.

His reasons are his age (mid-40s), the stress of having more kids, having to deal with kids' issues (he's very bitter and jaded about what his kids have gone through, health wise and having been bullied) and not having time to himself and for us. I see having more kids as a chance to do things differently from before, to have more options and opportunities (as we have more money and better lifestyle than 20 years ago). I see having kids as having incredible possibilities - having my DD was the best thing I ever did. And I think primarily I see having a child as the ultimate commitment and symbol of love. There's certainly an element of me seeing things optimistically, but his view is one of relentless pessimism when it comes to the subject.

Over the past six months he's discussed baby names, told our friends that we'll see about children once we'd got last year out of the way and had a holiday together (which we did). On holiday I told him I'd like to be pregnant in a year's time. He didn't say anything one way or another. I've discussed having kids with friends, colleagues. In my mind I thought we'd start TTC later this year.

And then the issue has come up again and he doesn't want a baby. I feel utterly humiliated, rejected. He said he gave little to no thought to having his children with his ex - 'it just happened' yet won't have one with me. I've said he could be at home if he wanted, he wouldn't have to work, we could have a nanny, he wouldn't have to do nights, he could do as little as he wished. Still the answer is no. I'm just here in tears again, wanting to hide away from the world as I feel so completely stupid and lied to. I feel people (friends and colleagues) will judge me and pity me. I've never had 'normal' and it looks as if I never will. I just want to get married and have a baby with someone I love and it seems that's never going to happen.

I love him so much. He is amazing in so many ways. But I can't get past this. I don't want to break up. But I can't see how to move forwards. I could be super-petty, refuse to have sex, avoid him, spend all my time at work, but that's utterly dysfunctional. I can live in hope of him changing his mind and be miserable and resent him when he doesn't.

It's got to the point where I think whether I should go get donor sperm and leave him to decide if he wants to stick around - then that's not his child or his decision. But again, that's equally fucked-up.

I hate this situation. I hate him for leading me on. I hate that he had children with someone he loathes, but won't have them with someone he loves. I feel totally inferior.

I cannot deal with a break-up. My last break up sent me utterly mad (I lost 2 stone in 2 weeks, became acutely suicidal and utterly lost the plot). I don't remember large periods from this time and cannot go through similar again.

I just don't know what the fuck to do.

That is really sad, and I'm sorry that it's turned out this way.

It is obviously a stalemate, and in such situations I generally think that the partner who doesn't want a baby trumps the one who does. A baby, and parenthood, should not be foisted on anyone.

Do you really think he has mislead you and made a fool of you? Or was he genuinely undecided and has recently become certain?

The thing that stands out to me is that you are wholly focused on 'wanting what everyone else has' when actually you already have more than most : a man who loves you, financial security, a child.

Ultimately, if you cannot come to terms with his decision you will have to split but it seems such a shame when you are otherwise happy.

FWIW I would not want another child in my mid-40s either, when I already have children, including one who has suffered serious illness. It would not be a reflection of how much I loved my partner, just an unwillingness to 'start again' with babies, to enter retirement with dependents, to want to enjoy a child-free social life at last.

Why humiliated?

I understand that this could be devastating, you have to make a very hard decision. But, from what you posted I can't see that he has done anything to humiliate you.

Would it help to just take time to have a bloody good rant here, get some daylight on to your feelings?

It's sad, you don't even have anything like a satisfactory compromise to aim for.

I can see his point of view. If I was in my forties and had been isolated from my children through a nasty divorce but now saw them regularly, I'm not sure I would ever take that risk again.

I wonder why a break up affected you so profoundly. Everyone gets very upset when someone leaves them, but you seem to have been so badly affected you were unable to function. Have you thought of having counselling for that?

As it is now, you have everything that others want - a healthy relationship and your own child.

Surely if you and he have a lovely life together - that is the ultimate outward demonstration of commitment?

A baby doesn't mean that. It means you had unprotected sex (to put it bluntly). He doesn't want another baby, not with you or with anybody else.

I may be reading your post wrong but you seem to want a baby as some sort of 'badge' that you can show off to other people. I'm sure you would love the baby but how could you want that knowing that your partner does not?

You can decide on a sperm-donor if you want to but expect your relationship to falter even if it doesn't end. Your wishes don't trump his but, unfortunately for you, the person who 'doesn't want', wins in this scenario.

I think the best thing for you would be to get some help to discuss your feelings in a non-judgemental surrounding, with somebody who isn't vested in this arrangement.

I wish you well. Please do find somebody to talk this through with, you need to come to terms with the fact that this isn't going to happen - not without huge consequences that could really harm you if you're fragile about this.

I feel humiliated because I feel utterly stupid and foolish. I discussed having more children with my endlessly pregnant colleagues and friends with young children as if it were actually an option, when clearly it isn't. I feel so stupid for thinking it might happen.

I've had endless therapy and paid thousands over the years for it. I'm not sure what else any therapist can do to be fair.

I just want to hide. I'm dreading going to work, I don't want to see mutual friends and face more talk of children and pregnancy. As much as I can try and rationalise the downside of having children - lack of sleep, stress, postnatal depression - there is just emotion driving my thought processes and the fact that time is ticking and I'm not getting any younger.

You're not stupid or foolish and you needn't feel so. People change their minds all the time and they don't have to explain themselves. The fact that you've longed for this makes you feel other people's pregnancies more keenly.

You have children and you have a lovely life. That's more than many, many people have. It doesn't discount your right to be disappointed and sad, of course you feel that way. You haven't had counselling about this though, have you? The 'final decision'. I think you should. Find another counsellor perhaps?

You need time to come to terms with this and you should give that to yourself, time just for you to repair yourself. Then decide what you want to do and how you'll achieve that.

Can you talk to your partner in the frame of accepting his decision but wanting to be heard? Have your feelings acknowledged and comforted,? Would he be able to do that without fearing that you're trying to change his mind? Would you be able to do that without trying to change his mind? Gain reassurance of his commitment to you as a couple and to the families you've both created?

I do think he should have told you on the first date that he really didn't want any more children. Do you think you would have seen him again if he said that?

OP, this is a lot more about you than about him, or even about having a baby.

Your dp's reaons for saying no to more children - some might consider them pessimistic, others might say rational (and I think I am among the latter). It jumped straight out at me that at the head of your list of reasons to go ahead was 'a chance to do things differently'. And PPs have made insightful points about what seems to be a need to demonstrate to the outside world that you are (in your terms) acceptable and respectable somehow. You seem to have idealised others' more 'conventional' lives (though yours doesn't sound that unconventional, tbh - 19 is young these days, but not an unheard-of age to have a baby) and and think something in you will be healed or solved if you can just 'do normal'. You are humiliated because you were pinning your hopes on this and banking on your dp - for all you were aware of his resistance - to come up trumps. It's as if you feel like you're being denied your promised rehabilitation. I don't think it's fair to say, from your account, that he's strung you along. He has always been ambivalent at best and maybe he hs tried to reconcile himself with your powerful desire. But he has been through the trauma of his child's illness and, even if he hadn't, in a decision this far-reaching and intimate, a no trumps a yes.

I mean this a lot less harshly than it will sound - your existing dd isn't some kind of trial run which went wrong and now you need to do it better to redeem yourself. She is the here and now and it sounds as if she needs you and as if she's been through quite a lot, with her own issues and your breakdown.

This makes sad reading OP. Tbh, I totally see his point of view. You both have children, neither of you is childless. You have a comfortable life. He’s mid 40’s , doesn’t want to go back to the baby stage when you already have so much, you presumably are near to 40.

You are a fit in all other ways it seems, other than having a baby.

I feel for you as well, I know the yearning for a baby, and it takes a long time to go away.

There’s no easy answer, but as nearly always with mn I fall down on the side if one doesn’t want a child, that persons opinion takes precedence.

Sorry you’re going through this, it’s not easy.

Your paragraph about feeling humiliated and stupid because you discussed this with pregnant friends and thought it was an option for you - it's a worrying reaction. Considering your partner is mid-forties and you both have biological children, I imagine they were more surprised that you were considering starting over with a new baby. I'm not sure your MH is robust at the moment OP?
You have a great lifestyle and a child, plus step children. Would getting married solidify your commitment?
Your upset isn't coming across as rational. He probably made up his mind over time. No trick involved. He had a tough year and has expressed his desire to enjoy socializing with less responsibilities. It seems perfectly normal. You could have weekends away, travel a lot, get a dog, get married. Lots of things to look forward to.

You need to be very careful around your existing child. You already have what your friends have - a home, relationship and a child. How do you think she will feel knowing she wasn't good enough?

He has every right not to want any more children especially as his existing child may fall ill again and need extra support.

If you love him then you love him for him. If you just want him for a child use a donor and go it alone and let him find someone else.

You’ve had years of counselling for what not having another child?
I can’t help but think you want what other people have like you’d be in the “club”
Or is it a yearning for another child because you feel incomplete without one. In that case you either except it’s not happening in your current relationship or you end this one and have a child on your own.
TBH in the nicest way it sounds like you get overinvested like it’s all or nothing.
Maybe consider what else you could bring into your life that would bring a sense of achievement or belonging.
Your colleagues and friends will really not be thinking about you having/ not having another child in anyway that you think they will be.
Is it your embarrassment that you have “lost” that makes you dread seeing them?

I’m sorry that you are feeling like this

I can understand him not wanting to do the whole teen thing again in his 60s!!

This is so hard because I totally get what it feels like to want a second child. But I also know that if I’d got all the way to the point where my children were adults, the thought of going right back to the start instead of embracing the next stage of more freedom would fill me with total horror. No reflection on anyone involved. Just not what I’d want to be doing for a second time. I don’t know what the answer is here but I empathise with both of you.

It does come across that you're worried what others will think, that you'll look stupid etc.
I think there are issues other than you longing for a child.

Please don't feel stupid, you are of an age where fertility drops and as such, friends and colleagues can assume that its just not happened unless you say otherwise.

I have to say I side with your dp, it is so much harder to raise a child as you get older. I have less energy and am more tired than my friends who conceived in their 20's early 30's.

Not the answer you would like, sorry x

Just bear in mind that babies/children do not bring couples closer together. They are like a hand grenade thrown in to a relationship.
Your relationship currently works on a minimal childcare basis. You can go where you like, how you like as independent adults.
This will change with baby.
No more ;
Holidays when you fancy it.
Work as and how it demands without the awful childcare conundrums.
No sleep ins
Buggered up sex life
Your life revolving around baby/child (constant ferrying to clubs/friends etc into your 60s)

Personally- as someone who also has children with a man who has children.. I cannot think of anything worse !!

I agree with all of the posters plus you seem very concerned about seemingly losing face to the people you told about trying to conceive. Tbh there is no guarantee that even if you tried that you would actually have a baby. I'm sure if you stopped telling people that they would just forget about it. I don't see you will lose face.

I think as well that you seem to be romantisising the idea of having a baby. You have a nice life now that could absolutely be turned on it's head by having a baby. What if the baby had severe additional needs for example?

I don't think your partner has misled you. He seems to have always expressed doubts and maybe the illness of his child has now made him realise that he just cannot go back to having another baby. Maybe he fears his child's illness returning and not being available to support them because he would have another baby at home? Maybe he is now at a stage in life where he wants to plan to ease up a bit rather than have another child to support for 18 years?

You clearly need to decide whether you desire another baby or this relationship, bearing in mind that having a baby isn't guaranteed.

If you have been through hell with bad relationships in the past then you can be sure that your DD will have been thru it worse as the impact is coming out with her issues. I would concentrate on the emotional health of your existing child so that she has counselling and becomes more stable by being fully supported by you so that her life and future relationships are as best they can be. This is your focus now.

Shocking though it might seem - you will more than likely be a grandparent in the next decade. Hang back for that - be the best Mum you can for your DD right now, so that she can be the best Mum for your GC and you can be the best GM!

I agree with pps that you already have ‘the normal’ that other people have. In fact you have it better with a nice home, financial security and a child.

Have you dealt with whatever troubles you had in your first marriage and when you were raising your child?
Having another child isn't a do over. You can't expect someone else to fix whatever was broken in your past.

Having a child with someone who isn't 100% on board will end up in a mess.

I’m about your age and pregnant with our first.

If you really want a baby now you can go it alone.

If you want a different relationship that might lead to children I have friends (men and women) our age still looking to meet someone with the hope of marriage and children.

It’s not too late for that to happen. But this isn’t the right relationship if a baby is important to you. It’s not fair that’s he’s changed his mind but you can’t make him have a child with you.

If you stay you can probably make a lovely life together. And if you go you will absolutely survive a break up, and may meet someone who shares your aspirations.

It’s a difficult choice. I’d hate to have to make it. In your shoes I’d probably leave. I’d grow to resent him, and hate him for the deception.

You can’t going around in circles. I have to agree with other posters, a baby won’t ‘redeem’ you and in your current frame of mind I wouldn’t want a child with you either.

I don’t mean to be harsh but the only thing you get from banging your head against a brick wall, is a headache.

Having an ill child and watching yours struggle with her MH, together with your partner’s age probably turned the maybe into a definitive no.

The ball isnt in your partner’s court, it’s in yours. If you can not accept his decision, then you have to move on because it isn’t fair on any of you watching your level of anger bubbling not so under the surface.

Presumably he loved his partner at the time they had their children? People change. You know this too. Having children isn't necessarily the ultimate commitment or you would both be with the co-parents of your children.

There's no need to feel foolish or humiliated, plenty of people plan to have children and then can't or don't. Frankly, you could both be on the same page and still not be able to get pregnant.