Feel humiliated and devastated and don't know what to do - I want a baby and he doesn't

[FreckledLeopard]

So, I've posted about this before. It's like Groundhog Day. And I just don't know how to move forwards or what to do.

I've been with DP for 3 years. We each have adult children (I have a daughter who is 18 and who I had at 19). His children are similar ages (19/18). My DD lives with me. His live with their mother/independently.

This is the first 'healthy' relationship I guess I've had. I was previously married about 10 years ago, but for the wrong reasons and it ended pretty quickly. I had another LTR of a few years which didn't work out. Then I met DP.

It's not been plain sailing for the time we've been together. Various issues with all of our children (mine's been depressed, problems at school). One of his has been seriously ill, but now hopefully out the other side, though there's a chance the illness will come back.

We're fine money-wise. Have a nice house, mortgage will be paid off in a decade. I earn decent money. Have a nice lifestyle. Live in a nice area.

I want a baby. He doesn't. We talked about it from the outset of the relationship. I mentioned it on our first date and said I didn't want to rule out having more kids. At the time, he wasn't for or against and we just wanted to be together and enjoy each other. It was discussed a few other times and then life events overtook us. We had a year of his daughter being seriously ill and having treatment. He was isolated from his children by acrimonious relationship with his ex-wife during this time, though things now fine and he has lots of contact with his kids. My DD had issues at school. Work has been stressful. Any discussion of future children in this time period ended in major rows with him unable to decide anything. So the issue was parked.

We're now in a period where things are calm. He talks about getting married, weddings, rings. But nothing can happen because we still can't get past the question of having more children. I want a baby with him. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to do it on my own again. I want what my colleagues, friends, neighbours have - marriage and babies. He doesn't want a child. And I'm in absolute despair.

His reasons are his age (mid-40s), the stress of having more kids, having to deal with kids' issues (he's very bitter and jaded about what his kids have gone through, health wise and having been bullied) and not having time to himself and for us. I see having more kids as a chance to do things differently from before, to have more options and opportunities (as we have more money and better lifestyle than 20 years ago). I see having kids as having incredible possibilities - having my DD was the best thing I ever did. And I think primarily I see having a child as the ultimate commitment and symbol of love. There's certainly an element of me seeing things optimistically, but his view is one of relentless pessimism when it comes to the subject.

Over the past six months he's discussed baby names, told our friends that we'll see about children once we'd got last year out of the way and had a holiday together (which we did). On holiday I told him I'd like to be pregnant in a year's time. He didn't say anything one way or another. I've discussed having kids with friends, colleagues. In my mind I thought we'd start TTC later this year.

And then the issue has come up again and he doesn't want a baby. I feel utterly humiliated, rejected. He said he gave little to no thought to having his children with his ex - 'it just happened' yet won't have one with me. I've said he could be at home if he wanted, he wouldn't have to work, we could have a nanny, he wouldn't have to do nights, he could do as little as he wished. Still the answer is no. I'm just here in tears again, wanting to hide away from the world as I feel so completely stupid and lied to. I feel people (friends and colleagues) will judge me and pity me. I've never had 'normal' and it looks as if I never will. I just want to get married and have a baby with someone I love and it seems that's never going to happen.

I love him so much. He is amazing in so many ways. But I can't get past this. I don't want to break up. But I can't see how to move forwards. I could be super-petty, refuse to have sex, avoid him, spend all my time at work, but that's utterly dysfunctional. I can live in hope of him changing his mind and be miserable and resent him when he doesn't.

It's got to the point where I think whether I should go get donor sperm and leave him to decide if he wants to stick around - then that's not his child or his decision. But again, that's equally fucked-up.

I hate this situation. I hate him for leading me on. I hate that he had children with someone he loathes, but won't have them with someone he loves. I feel totally inferior.

I cannot deal with a break-up. My last break up sent me utterly mad (I lost 2 stone in 2 weeks, became acutely suicidal and utterly lost the plot). I don't remember large periods from this time and cannot go through similar again.

I just don't know what the fuck to do.

Your rage and bitterness is an issue and will lead you on a destructive path.

Your partner is entitled to change his mind and it is important that you respect his choice.

I think you need to get some urgent help as the loss you are experiencing seems very intense and unhealthy.

You are hell-bent on a destructive path.

I'm sorry op but you are abnormally selfish and self obsessed and your dd deserves far more.

Stop fantasising about what you haven't got and be grateful for what you have.

You can't do this because you don't care about what others think or feel.

You are relegating your dd's existence to a trial run that was less than perfect and rather than be the best mum possible for her you are concentrating all your energy on something non existent.

You say you have spent thousands on therapy well may be because you were paying them they couldn't turn round to you and tell you what you really need to hear.

Grow up. Stop being so utterly spoilt and demanding and put your dd's happiness first.

You really are beyond help if you cannot see how destructive and selfish your behaviour is.

Get yourself to a sperm bank if you must but I pity any baby you might have as it might not be the idealised image you have in your brain and what then?

What if your baby is mentally or physically disabled?

Apologise to your partner and if you cannot forgive him and only want to punish him then split up you must.

Even though you say you can't face that either.

Just stop. Face your reality and make peace with everything and everyone for all of your sakes.

Or self destruct.

OP "I cannot deal with a break-up. My last break up sent me utterly mad (I lost 2 stone in 2 weeks, became acutely suicidal and utterly lost the plot). I don't remember large periods from this time and cannot go through similar again."

of all your posts, this stands out the most and is quite concerning.

You need to learn to exist in your own right. as for wanting the big family and political discussions over Sunday lunch - how many of us end up with the life we want?

I don't know whether to suggest therapy or not - I wonder if a big dose of time alone might be good for you instead. Ranting is a bit dangerous sometimes - there can come a point where you can't see the end of the rant.

I hate to pull this one out, but don't you want to be a good role model for DC? That means accepting certain aspects of life gracefully.

Fuck me, my life is nothing like what I wanted it to be like - not least, poor health. I have ranted, don't get me wrong. But it feels like you need to exist in your own right.

You sound far too unbalanced and unstable to have a baby, and to be brutally honest if your DP were on here I’d be telling him not to have a baby with you.

This isn’t just a natural urge to have a baby, it’s an unhealthy obsession which will destroy everyone and everything around you, not least your existing child and any poor innocent baby born into this mess.

A baby is not going to complete your life. It’s going to be an individual in its own right, and is not going to conform to some romanticised vision of what you think parenthood is meant to b like.

Honestly, if you want a bigger house then get a better job. But bringing a baby into this mix would be a recipe for disaster. You need personal help first before you even consider the notion of bringing another human being into the world.

They say things happen for a reason. There are clearly very good reasons why your partner would not want to hav another baby with you.

I feel like if something was wrong with the babies life OP would find another thing to catastrophesise (sp?) about because it doesn't fit into the neat little narrative she's built for her dream life.

To be honest I wouldn't want to start the ordeal of babies, nappies, sleepless nights at the age for 40. Especially since you both have children from previous relationship.

You seem obsessed with 'keeping up' with your colleagues. Having a baby because everyone at work is doing it is just bizzare. You need to examine why you're fixated with other people's opinions of the 'right' lifestyle i.e marriage and babies.

I do kind of get your view that the circumstances weren't ideal when you had your first child, but that doesn't mean you need a 'do-over' child. Life doesn't work that way and nobody but you is keeping score.

Usually in this situation I would be totally on your side, often men seem to string women along until it's too late for them, but this really isn't the case here. You have both been through a fair bit with the DC that you already have, and you have a lovely, settled comfortable life. I wouldn't blame him for not wanting to give that up. Difficult though it is for you, your choice is clear, a baby free life with the man you love, or a baby on your own or with a possible new partner.

Wow. I had DS in my late 30s, because we wanted another child, not as part of a fantasy. It's a good thing, too, he has autism. People shouldn't have kids to get them to fit into the role the parents want.

You sound like you need some serious professional help, not another baby.

2st in 2 weeks? Wow. My daughter was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness and I had to live with her in patient immediately. Still took a couple of months to melt off 2st.

He obviously shouldn't have led you on about this but as others have said you don't get a do-over child. His children have been ill and bullied, yours depressed - money and a nicer lifestyle doesn't guard against these things.
One of the reasons DH and I waited 14 years to have a baby was that there are so many difficult experiences that can come out of having a baby, from early miscarriage or stillbirth right through to adolescent bullying and mental health issues. I understand his reticence.

My entire adult life, from 18, had revolved around motherhood.

It's stemming from this.

You feel lost, and you are looking to the things that you know to fill the gap. Fantasising about big families and primary schools and baby names and teaching languages. It's all a ruse, a brain trick. It's running back to what you've always known. It is much, much easier to go back now to being a mum again, something familiar that you've done before, than to face that the future might be different. That you've never been an adult without a child.

At the end of the day, you can rage about this indefinitely, but your partner does not want a child - and it you get pregnant "accidentally", you won't have that perfect pregnancy experience you are hankering after. Infact, however lovely he is and however strong your relationship is, I'd be very surprised if he ignored that you'd caused the pregnancy and your relationship survived. You may very well end up a single parent again.

You can leave him in search of someone who does want children. You can stay and work out what adult life means to you without more children. Either way, getting some medical help for your mental health is a good idea. You don't want another breakdown; it wouldn't be fair on your existing daughter and this isn't a normal maternal longing now - it's an obsession.

And just for the record, another child doesn't always multiply the love. It didn't in my family. It made life harder, every single time, none of them were enough for my mum, the longing came back just like yours has. She was the exact same, she longed for the same things, it was always just one more, there's a hole, I don't know how else to fill it. We're all damaged from it.

I don’t understand why you have an overwhelming urge to have ‘gorgeous kids’ or a sporty intelligent son. You might have that but many of us don’t and since he has a seriously ill child and you have a depressed child you know life is not like that. I don’t think any baby or child could live up to your expectations.

I am in my forties and don't have a baby with my current husband for various reasons. Sometimes I get broody and we both get sad sometimes that it hasn't worked out. However.we decided a couple of years ago that even if my health meant it was possible it was too late. Having a baby would be lovely but do you really want to be dealing with a teenager when you are in your 60s! When I think about that I know it is he right decision. You appear to have a lovely like and are on the cusp of being able to enjoy your life as a couple, enjoy having mor disposable income, go in child free holidays etc.

You could both be diagnosed with a long term health condition next year or be knocked over by a bus. Be grateful for what you have and enjoy your current family.

OP, you want an athletic intelligent beautiful son to share with your partner. Very specific. What happens if you have a girl? A girl who isn't very bright? A boy who isn't NT, or is physically different in some way? Has a life limiting illness? Isn't pretty, sociable, or just is a pain to be around? All possible outcomes of pregnancy, would you be happy then?

Freckled, I hope we don't all sound too unsympathetic but I think you need to hear some of the harsh comments to shake you out of your fog.

I think I recall your marriage ending, not stalking, but just your posting name and I was on MN for the first time struggling with my marriage.
You had a nightmare wedding and marriage ended straight away and then a few years afterwards the severe sadness/breakdown over your live in partner moving out. Again I was going through a break up so related to some of your feelings.

I just think your daughter has been through so much in the last 7 years, all of her teen years has been impacted by your last 3(?)relationships.
It feels as if you are looking for a "fix" to make you happy when happiness is an inside job.

I absolutely have not had the life I planned, no happy after for me but I have learnt to be grateful for what I have. It really does change your brain once you practice gratitude.

You are healthy, have a daughter, financially solvent, a good relationship..that is very significant.

@lifebegins50 'happiness is an inside job' is the biggest truth ever.

I have gone through many experiences to teach me this and I am just starting (after decades of misery) to believe that I can love myself and make myself happy

OP this could be your time for this lesson too. You have to deal with these feelings - the bitterness, the obsessed fixation, the self pity, the envy, the pain that is so red hot and palpable - because otherwise you will have a breakdown. Your relationship will end and your kids (!) will be miserable and blame themselves for not being 'enough' for you

This is why people suggest therapy. A therapist will be there to listen

Try anything to change this. Punch a pillow. Kick boxing. Go on a long drive if you have a car. Write unsent letters.

You say that you can't face ending your relationship. So you will have to accept this. Somehow. Please try to make it easier on yourself and your loved ones

I try to remember the quote from Bridget Jones: 'life is getting some of what you want, but not everything.'

Therapy is an option but I resent even thinking about it or having to pay for it when I don't see it as my problem but his.

Your problem is not that he won't have another baby. It's the way you have fixated on having a baby as affirmation, to wipe out your previous 'wrong' choices and shame being a teenage mum etc, to affirm his love for you. You need therapy to unpick this because not having a baby is a perfectly valid and reasonable decision under the circumstances and you have turned it into something destructive.

Thanks for the character assassination. Makes a shit day feel so much better .

I don't have the emotional energy to engage in any of this right now. I had hoped perhaps that people who had been in a similar situation could perhaps have shared their stories of working through such things, rather than to have a long list of my flaws pointed out. Hey ho.

Thanks to those who haven't put the boot in. No-one seems to understand what is driving this, which is the feeling of rejection and lack of validation in my role as a mother. I can't see spending thousands more pounds on therapy is going to get rid of the unshakeable feeling that I'm not good enough.

o-one seems to understand what is driving this, which is the feeling of rejection and lack of validation in my role as a mother
OP with respect and kindness, multiple people have clocked onto this. These aren't reasons to bring a baby into the world. Having a baby is an inherently selfish act anyway but having one purely to validate you is just... wrong. Youre using the baby as a tool for your own ego. That's not right is it, surely you can see that even through a mind that is struggling with such strong feelings?

Nobody has assassinated your character; we have observed exactly what you say yourself in your last post, and that's why you need therapy.
Best of luck.

Your partner has not rejected you, they have a differing wish to you. You must see the difference?

What validation do you think you'll get from a second child that you did not get with your first?

Honestly, there's no way you're emotionally fit to have a child at present. I appreciate that's a sweeping statement, but it's clear to so many of us that you do need professional support right now.

OP I know what longing for a baby feels like, it took me 8 years of trying to have one. I know what not having the family you dream of feels like because I'd planned three children and only have one. But I also know that envisioning a very specific child is not healthy. How would you feel if you partner relented and you have this dreamed of baby but it's just a human being not the Marks and Spencers live altering perfect son? Will you be satisfied or still unhappy that you haven't got it right again. Not having the family you planned hurts, I get that, I've wept often enough over the children I didn't get to have but having a baby wouldn't fix you life. It won't protect your partners child from being I'll, it won't fix your DDs unhappiness, it won't get you a house in the country with roses round the door. It would be a person with faults and flaws and no-one could ever live up to the expectations you have. I suspect that part of the reason your partner doesn't want another child is because he can see how irrational you are being and he worries what would happen when you realised.that a child doesn't have the power to fix all your problems.

You ask why your partner wouldn't want a child with someone he loves - he is being honest that he did it and it's an experience with enough negatives that he doesn't want to do it again. That's human and perfectly valid.

I think people do understand what's driving this. That isn't the same as agreeing that having a baby will make it all better.

No-one seems to understand what is driving this, which is the feeling of rejection and lack of validation in my role as a mother. I can't see spending thousands more pounds on therapy is going to get rid of the unshakeable feeling that I'm not good enough.

That statement is exactly why you need help to unpick and come to terms with this.

Why is it a rejection of you? Is the only proof of truly loving and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone having a child with them? If that's how you see things then your view of love is very warped.

Why do you need your role of mother validated? Why is that something you are setting up to judge yourself and others to judge you by?

Why have you made motherhood and love into a competition and jumped to the conclusion you are not good enough?

You do need help, OP, if you don't get it this will destroy (it is already damaging) your relationship with your DP and more than likely your daughter also.

OP, you've mentioned repeatedly that you want what others have, that you're jealous of others and their lives and that you feel left out.

You've mentioned that you have MH issues, and that you fall dangerously apart after your break ups.

There's a lot going on with you emotionally and mentally. I can't help but feel that this unhappiness and needing to find a sense of belonging is what's making you want a baby.

But a baby is not a bandaid and will not fix things. It's not a chance to feel part of a group, it's not a chance to redo your life 'properly', it's not a symbol of the love and commitment between you and your partner.

I'm afraid that even if he was onboard with this, you'll have your baby and still be finding something lacking with your life. A baby is not the answer to all your problems and not something that's going to suddenly make you feel better about yourself and your life.