Feel humiliated and devastated and don't know what to do - I want a baby and he doesn't

[FreckledLeopard]

So, I've posted about this before. It's like Groundhog Day. And I just don't know how to move forwards or what to do.

I've been with DP for 3 years. We each have adult children (I have a daughter who is 18 and who I had at 19). His children are similar ages (19/18). My DD lives with me. His live with their mother/independently.

This is the first 'healthy' relationship I guess I've had. I was previously married about 10 years ago, but for the wrong reasons and it ended pretty quickly. I had another LTR of a few years which didn't work out. Then I met DP.

It's not been plain sailing for the time we've been together. Various issues with all of our children (mine's been depressed, problems at school). One of his has been seriously ill, but now hopefully out the other side, though there's a chance the illness will come back.

We're fine money-wise. Have a nice house, mortgage will be paid off in a decade. I earn decent money. Have a nice lifestyle. Live in a nice area.

I want a baby. He doesn't. We talked about it from the outset of the relationship. I mentioned it on our first date and said I didn't want to rule out having more kids. At the time, he wasn't for or against and we just wanted to be together and enjoy each other. It was discussed a few other times and then life events overtook us. We had a year of his daughter being seriously ill and having treatment. He was isolated from his children by acrimonious relationship with his ex-wife during this time, though things now fine and he has lots of contact with his kids. My DD had issues at school. Work has been stressful. Any discussion of future children in this time period ended in major rows with him unable to decide anything. So the issue was parked.

We're now in a period where things are calm. He talks about getting married, weddings, rings. But nothing can happen because we still can't get past the question of having more children. I want a baby with him. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to do it on my own again. I want what my colleagues, friends, neighbours have - marriage and babies. He doesn't want a child. And I'm in absolute despair.

His reasons are his age (mid-40s), the stress of having more kids, having to deal with kids' issues (he's very bitter and jaded about what his kids have gone through, health wise and having been bullied) and not having time to himself and for us. I see having more kids as a chance to do things differently from before, to have more options and opportunities (as we have more money and better lifestyle than 20 years ago). I see having kids as having incredible possibilities - having my DD was the best thing I ever did. And I think primarily I see having a child as the ultimate commitment and symbol of love. There's certainly an element of me seeing things optimistically, but his view is one of relentless pessimism when it comes to the subject.

Over the past six months he's discussed baby names, told our friends that we'll see about children once we'd got last year out of the way and had a holiday together (which we did). On holiday I told him I'd like to be pregnant in a year's time. He didn't say anything one way or another. I've discussed having kids with friends, colleagues. In my mind I thought we'd start TTC later this year.

And then the issue has come up again and he doesn't want a baby. I feel utterly humiliated, rejected. He said he gave little to no thought to having his children with his ex - 'it just happened' yet won't have one with me. I've said he could be at home if he wanted, he wouldn't have to work, we could have a nanny, he wouldn't have to do nights, he could do as little as he wished. Still the answer is no. I'm just here in tears again, wanting to hide away from the world as I feel so completely stupid and lied to. I feel people (friends and colleagues) will judge me and pity me. I've never had 'normal' and it looks as if I never will. I just want to get married and have a baby with someone I love and it seems that's never going to happen.

I love him so much. He is amazing in so many ways. But I can't get past this. I don't want to break up. But I can't see how to move forwards. I could be super-petty, refuse to have sex, avoid him, spend all my time at work, but that's utterly dysfunctional. I can live in hope of him changing his mind and be miserable and resent him when he doesn't.

It's got to the point where I think whether I should go get donor sperm and leave him to decide if he wants to stick around - then that's not his child or his decision. But again, that's equally fucked-up.

I hate this situation. I hate him for leading me on. I hate that he had children with someone he loathes, but won't have them with someone he loves. I feel totally inferior.

I cannot deal with a break-up. My last break up sent me utterly mad (I lost 2 stone in 2 weeks, became acutely suicidal and utterly lost the plot). I don't remember large periods from this time and cannot go through similar again.

I just don't know what the fuck to do.

You say you will try to bury your feelings. Don’t bury your feelings, or blame your DP who is not being at all unreasonable here.

If your thoughts and feelings about this are affecting you a lot and you can afford it (which IMO you can if you could potentially afford another DC!) you could seek good professional help. I did this and it really did help.

So, to come back to this thread. Consensus is that he gets his way and I don't get mine. Talked more about it with him over last few weeks and I said if I don't have a baby then I want to move cities and get a dog. Fine, he's happy with that. I could get a fucking zoo and that's fine with him. Just not a child.

But then I see friends at drinks the other day who, when we mentioned the potential move said she thought we were having kids (from previous conversations we'd had where DP had said we'd see in the New Year). At which point I just welled up and tried to change the subject.

And then today, we're in London, staying at an AirBnB and the host has a beautiful son of about 11. Tall, sporty, gregarious, intelligent. The son I desperately want. The life I want - lovely house in lovely area, good jobs, gorgeous kid. And on the tube is a boy of about 8, German, reading the tube signs in broken English with his father helping him and all I can think is what a waste that DP won't have kids. We could have a beautiful child and a beautiful life and why won't he trust me and why doesn't he love me enough to keep the gene pool going and create something between us. Instead I get the consolation prize of a fucking dog.

And he just seems to think that because he's won that everything is hunky dory and I should just be happy and move on. When I'm filled with so much bitterness and rage. I'm dreaming about my ex-husband (who had been totally willing to have a baby) and in my dream I have the option of having a baby with the ex, but all I want is to have a child with DP.

I just keep welling up everywhere I go. I think of how much happiness I had with DD when she was at primary school and how wonderful that period of my life was. And now I feel redundant, useless and second rate. I'm so so so fucking angry. DP is asleep, I'm awake and just consumed with endless thoughts and misery. I don't want anyone else, I don't want to to be a single parent, I want him to want to have a child with me.

It's just so all-consuming. And then the increasing irrational and spiteful thoughts kick in. That I won't have sex with him since why the fuck should I use contraception that I don't want to use. That I'll go off and have a baby on my own and then he'll have lost me and wonder why he didn't have a child with me in the first place. And I don't want to think like that or to lose him. I just spend my time blowing on loose eyelashes and wishing and wishing he changes his mind. And trying desperately to think of all the negatives of having children, of which I'm aware, but all I can think of is having a beautiful son who is sporty and happy and intelligent and a credit to his family.

I have no nails left and my fingers are bleeding. I'm exhausted. I don't need replies and people to kick me when I'm down and to tell me what a selfish bitch I am. As much as anyone can rationally tell me that his decision is valid, I cannot get my head around it and I cannot see why, if men are having babies in their 50s, 60s, 70s (Mick Jagger had another one at 72), he can't have one in his forties. Why would you not want a child with the person you profess to love most in the world? Why don't you want your relationship to have a legacy?

I want to be in my eighties with a bunch of grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I want long, political discussions over Sunday lunch with a family. I want DD to have some fucking support if I get old and get dementia. I'm an only child with a dead father and a mother with dementia and it fucking sucks.

And if I don't have another child then I want a concrete plan from DP. What does the future look like. What do we do day in, day out for the next forty years? My entire adult life, from 18, had revolved around motherhood. Telling me we can get a dog and go travelling just seems so hollow.

I just want to vent and to scream and slam doors. Everything I read is that having more children just multiplies the love within a family. I just feel utterly hopeless and just want to rant.

I'm sorry you're so miserable. Does he know you feel this way? Because it sounds awful for everyone. He hasn't "won" by telling you his real feelings. He's been honest with you. As much as it sucks from your perspective.

You need to see your GP and get antidepressants perhaps, and definitely get therapy. Your reaction may be understandable but it is not healthy. You should also consider stepping away from this relationship for a while and thinking about you and your next steps. Living with him right now sounds intolerable.

Is fostering an option?

You are in a lot of pain. Counselling/therapy will be beneficial for you - if you have one already, please see them. If you don't, it's not so scary to set up as you might think

It's a very human thing to become attached to one image of the future. The way you are describing the future is a very idealised, smooth picture. You could have a baby within a year and still never attain that perfect picture in your head. People wind up so different from what we expect or want of them.

You sound unhappy with a lot in your life and yourself. Another child won't solve anything, in fact it may create more issues.

Please get as much help and supper as you can as you decide what to do

He'd rather not talk about it and would sweep it under the carpet.

I'm allergic to all anti-depressants (and I've tried many over the years). Therapy is an option but I resent even thinking about it or having to pay for it when I don't see it as my problem but his.

I don't want to leave the relationship and practically there's nowhere for him to go anyway. I can't, in any way, deal with a break up. I love him and can't fathom not being with him.

I just hate the situation.

no, he hasnt been honest with op.
at beginning he wanted children and now he says no.
stepping away from him for a while is a good idea. you will both have time to think.
i think you should have another child, you want so much.

From this thread, it's clear that you have problems to work on too.

You're seeing this as very black and white - your partner has the 'problem' because he doesn't want to have another child and only you are right.

When the reality is more complex. Both of you have differing perceptions. Nobody is objectively right

Yours are clearly hurting you, which is why I suggest therapy so that you can talk in private with someone who will work to help you.

You are clearly having problems functioning. You are experiencing a deep dissatisfaction with your life - despite having many things to be grateful about. You are demonising your partner and withholding sex and affection. You think that he has 'won' and that you have been beaten by somebody nefarious who tricked you

None of these are the way to live. You don't know peace, you won't be laughing or enjoying the world around you, you and your partner's relationship will be suffering and no mention of how DD is going

Your anxiety has spiralled to the point that this is your one obsession and focus. You are lost in self pity and being a victim.

Now isn't the time to make decisions about the future or your relationship. They won't be rational. You need a guide to help you deal with your grief, de-escalate your paranoid feelings and refocus on your current life

to want a child is something natural, not obsession.

I have friends sending me posts about the wonders of motherhood and how women regret not having one last baby, whilst saying what a great time of my life it would be to have more kids.

In all fairness, they come across as obsessive dicks.

There is no need to feel humiliated. It's fair enough to say this was never going to happen and not to feel obligated to anyone who was rooting for you to become a mum, all over again. Good friends support you in your decisions in your circumstances and don't expect to whip you up into theirs.

OP you need some serious, intensive counselling. Without it I think you're going to break your relationship up. The disdain is dripping from your words when you speak about your partner. Your usage of words, multiple times you talk about it as 'winning' and 'got his way', the way you skip over just how life changing having a kid is (as though a multi millionaires life is in any way similar to a normal persons when child rearing) is also very telling.

Honestly, I think the intense desire, the need for a baby that some women experience should be classed as an illness because to some women it is. Its dysfunctional and takes over all rational thought. I feel for you very strongly because I remember when I first felt like this, just this intense urge I felt in my entire body. Had I listened to that I would have been up shit creek now. My life would have been very different and I would be trapped with a connection to an abuser. But my body and mind didn't give a shit, it was just baby baby BABY. That's why I consider it to be a form of illness. Its an unwanted feeling for many, one that can ruin lives and relationships. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and I'm so sorry you're experiencing it like this

bluebell if the need for a child takes over rational thought and leaves to destructive behaviours that is not natural. It is obsessive behaviour

to leave the man to have a child is not destructive especially when he hasnt been honest from the beginning. op had been honest from the beginning. she is very right to be feeling resentful.

i dont think it is an illness to want a child.

You are being willfully ignorant.

Why are you comparing your life to other people's so obsessively? This is nuts

I speak with some experienced. I got the blinkers on and had another child myself against the prevailing headwind - and guess what - he's autistic.

You think you can order up a perfect life and be totally in control. It doesn't necessarily work like that.

I do think your anger is extreme. Most of us do not get what we want/expect from life. Did you read that thread about what happened to you in life that you did not expect? Really tragic awful stories.

When you look at those healthy sporty intelligent boys does it not occur to you that you might not get that anyway? I certainly didn’t.

Yes it’s natural to want another child but it doesn’t sound like you are willing to accept that you won’t/can’t so you have some decisions to make.

You are completely romanticising the lives of people you don't know and then comparing that with your own life.

Real life isn't prams and paint colours. Are you overly invested in social media?

Maybe people are looking at you thinking how wonderful your life is. With your career as a lawyer and a relationship where you love each other. A daughter. Plenty of money. Going on mini breaks to London.

I really do feel for you as you sound so sad but it's also frustrating as you've got it. You've got a daughter and a lovely life already.

On the social media thing, I used to live next door to a mummy blogger. One Mother's Day I watched her in her garden stage tea party photos. Her and her dd dressed in vintage lace dresses with long strands of beads. Floral cups, tablecloths a cake stand, the whole deal. Flowers, drapey tent thing, floor cushions.

Two hours it took to set up while her dd was no doubt in the house watching tv. On mother's day morning.

Her dh was taking the photos. The child was crying everyone was shouting. Nobody was having a nice time, the 'breakfast' wasn't a real breakfast and it wasn't eaten.

Those five photos she posted on social media were spectacular. And even though I'd
actually seen the carnage unfold before my eyes I still felt a pang of 'oh no, my Mother's Day was shit compared to hers'.

all I can think of is having a beautiful son who is sporty and happy and intelligent the thing is children aren't something you can pick from a mail order catalogue. This dream son will almost certainly not arrive any child will have its problems. They might struggle at school, they might hate sport or not be the paragon of perfection you have in your head. You also seem to be linking another child with a whole lifestyle The life I want - lovely house in lovely area, good jobs, gorgeous kid a baby can't give you a nice house or a better job. That is very heavy expectation to put on tiny shoulders. You have to work out which is more important to you your relationship or this fictionalised wonder kid with his perfect teeth and his sports skills. Where does a average, normal bright but not outstanding more interested in computer gaming that running child fit into this vision of wonderfulness let alone one with asthma or ASD or a wheelchair? No child is perfect they all have their challenges.

Honestly the OP's description of the perfect child and perfect circumstances she forsees herself having is so divorced from reality that I would be embarrassed to even admit to these thoughts.

OP, you can be 100 percent sure that were you to have a baby the scenario would not be the way you imagine it. Time to put your feet on the ground and pull your big girl pants up.

I haven’t read the whole thread @OP but I can understand that you feel robbed of an opportunity to once again be a mother.
Whilst I do agree your DP should have made it clear from the outset that he wasn’t up for having any more children, I can see it from his perspective. You now have adult children which give you the opportunity to live a decent and somewhat free life. Personally I can see the appeal that brings and wouldn’t want to swap that for having another child. I don’t think you should feel humiliated. If his daughter is unwell he should be concentrating on that right now. You also have issues with your own dd to address.
I wouldn’t throw away an otherwise good relationship because of this.

You sound emotionally exhausted and raging from it all. As others have said - book a few sessions to work this through with a very experienced psychotherapist. Then you will have clarity and confidence to know what to do next.

If you continue as you are today - I predict a breakdown, your partner leaving you and your teenage DD’s MH deteriorating so that she is in pain and makes poor life choices - she may leave you also.

I would invest in emotional support for you and your daughter otherwise you will not even get the happy grandmother experience if your DD life is dysfunctional and your relationship fails. Where is she in all of this? Does she move to a new city? Are you focused on making a good job of the child you already have?

How does the move to a new city impact the relationship your OH has with his ill child?

He has basically led you on for years about the possibility of having a child so you are now so in love/involved that you cannot see yourself without him.
My DS is in a similar situation he has been with his DP for 13years.
He always wanted children, neither of them have any children, and she also said that she wanted children right from the beginning.
A couple of years ago she told him she did not want children.
He was distraught and it has changed him for the worse, he is angry a lot of the time now where he was always calm and rational.
She has always been incredibly selfish and self interested and he still wants to stay with her. She is a primary school teacher so is surrounded by children every day...which is enough for her
The resentment he feels has not gone away but he tells me they now live like brother and sister.
He just concentrates on his job which takes him away a lot.
They have a great lifestyle on another continent but he is so upset about this that I cannot see him ever being truly happy again.

Not knowing himself is not the same as leading someone on. Men are allowed to be unsure just like we are.