Feel humiliated and devastated and don't know what to do - I want a baby and he doesn't

[FreckledLeopard]

So, I've posted about this before. It's like Groundhog Day. And I just don't know how to move forwards or what to do.

I've been with DP for 3 years. We each have adult children (I have a daughter who is 18 and who I had at 19). His children are similar ages (19/18). My DD lives with me. His live with their mother/independently.

This is the first 'healthy' relationship I guess I've had. I was previously married about 10 years ago, but for the wrong reasons and it ended pretty quickly. I had another LTR of a few years which didn't work out. Then I met DP.

It's not been plain sailing for the time we've been together. Various issues with all of our children (mine's been depressed, problems at school). One of his has been seriously ill, but now hopefully out the other side, though there's a chance the illness will come back.

We're fine money-wise. Have a nice house, mortgage will be paid off in a decade. I earn decent money. Have a nice lifestyle. Live in a nice area.

I want a baby. He doesn't. We talked about it from the outset of the relationship. I mentioned it on our first date and said I didn't want to rule out having more kids. At the time, he wasn't for or against and we just wanted to be together and enjoy each other. It was discussed a few other times and then life events overtook us. We had a year of his daughter being seriously ill and having treatment. He was isolated from his children by acrimonious relationship with his ex-wife during this time, though things now fine and he has lots of contact with his kids. My DD had issues at school. Work has been stressful. Any discussion of future children in this time period ended in major rows with him unable to decide anything. So the issue was parked.

We're now in a period where things are calm. He talks about getting married, weddings, rings. But nothing can happen because we still can't get past the question of having more children. I want a baby with him. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to do it on my own again. I want what my colleagues, friends, neighbours have - marriage and babies. He doesn't want a child. And I'm in absolute despair.

His reasons are his age (mid-40s), the stress of having more kids, having to deal with kids' issues (he's very bitter and jaded about what his kids have gone through, health wise and having been bullied) and not having time to himself and for us. I see having more kids as a chance to do things differently from before, to have more options and opportunities (as we have more money and better lifestyle than 20 years ago). I see having kids as having incredible possibilities - having my DD was the best thing I ever did. And I think primarily I see having a child as the ultimate commitment and symbol of love. There's certainly an element of me seeing things optimistically, but his view is one of relentless pessimism when it comes to the subject.

Over the past six months he's discussed baby names, told our friends that we'll see about children once we'd got last year out of the way and had a holiday together (which we did). On holiday I told him I'd like to be pregnant in a year's time. He didn't say anything one way or another. I've discussed having kids with friends, colleagues. In my mind I thought we'd start TTC later this year.

And then the issue has come up again and he doesn't want a baby. I feel utterly humiliated, rejected. He said he gave little to no thought to having his children with his ex - 'it just happened' yet won't have one with me. I've said he could be at home if he wanted, he wouldn't have to work, we could have a nanny, he wouldn't have to do nights, he could do as little as he wished. Still the answer is no. I'm just here in tears again, wanting to hide away from the world as I feel so completely stupid and lied to. I feel people (friends and colleagues) will judge me and pity me. I've never had 'normal' and it looks as if I never will. I just want to get married and have a baby with someone I love and it seems that's never going to happen.

I love him so much. He is amazing in so many ways. But I can't get past this. I don't want to break up. But I can't see how to move forwards. I could be super-petty, refuse to have sex, avoid him, spend all my time at work, but that's utterly dysfunctional. I can live in hope of him changing his mind and be miserable and resent him when he doesn't.

It's got to the point where I think whether I should go get donor sperm and leave him to decide if he wants to stick around - then that's not his child or his decision. But again, that's equally fucked-up.

I hate this situation. I hate him for leading me on. I hate that he had children with someone he loathes, but won't have them with someone he loves. I feel totally inferior.

I cannot deal with a break-up. My last break up sent me utterly mad (I lost 2 stone in 2 weeks, became acutely suicidal and utterly lost the plot). I don't remember large periods from this time and cannot go through similar again.

I just don't know what the fuck to do.

I can understand him not wanting to do the whole teen thing again in his 60s!!

I can too,the thought horrifies me tbh.

Are you sure this isn't a bit of empty nest syndrome? I'm finding this weird in between/ transitioning feeling quite hard as ds goes off to uni and starts his new life. I often look at young families and think how lucky they are and then dh reminds me how hard all those years were and he's right!

I wonder if it's a hormonal surge just before menopause where your body has a last hurrah?

Whatever it is,you sound deeply unhappy and I'm not sure a baby would fix any of it.

You could well have grandchildren soon

Oh and wrt to a sibling to support your dd , doesn't always work like that ,mine doesn't support me at all and I know plenty of other people in the same boat.

I hope you manage to find peace of mind

Therapy is exactly there to help you work on your feelings of rejection and loss and your experience of being a mother of growing children who will need you less.

Everyone has that feeling of not being good enough. It's what you do to work on it that counts. Even if you had a baby tomorrow, you would only be delaying this feeling for another 18 years. Will you fall apart when that baby too, becomes an adult?

There isn't just one therapist and one kind of therapy out there. Try them all. Try CBT, DBT, psychoanalysis, art therapy, EMDR, trauma therapy, Gestalt, existentialist therapy, mentalisation based therapy

And be honest. Be honest with them like you are here. You're allergic to anti depressants and you're mad at your partner and you're full of anxiety and teetering on the edge of a breakdown despite having a family around you and a life that people would kill for

Let them help you. You will eat yourself alive and drive away your partner and damage your kid if you keep proceeding like this

OP your partner has not led you along. He has two older children. At the time he met you his child hadn’t been seriously ill. Now he rightly wants to focus on his children and probably enjoy life having had a terrible worrying year.

I feel sorry for your DD. You cannot replace her with a new baby. She wasn’t a practice run. You have had everything that a lot of people haven’t - a child, financial stability etc etc.

Re you braking down when your last relationship finished is not normal behaviour. Your DP must be terrified if he was to end the relationship for any reason including if you decide to get pregnant. If I was him I would have a vasectomy.

This will never work out OP, either you will spend the rest of your life resenting him for not having another child or he will spend the rest of his resenting you for guilting him into having another. I don't see a future for your relationship.

OP, your post at midnight essentially casts your daughter and your his children as second rate and keeping the wrong gene pool going because they were not born into the idyllic, perfect world bubble you have invented and are now fixated on.

A child is not a legacy of a relationship and it's worrying that you think it is. Is this how you view your daughter and his children?

The pressure you are already putting on this imaginary child to fulfil all your dreams and expectations is extreme, if this child was ever born it would be an horrendous burden for them to bear and an unattainable criteria for them to live up to.

I don't think you should even get a dog until you have worked through this, a dog is a living creature in its' own right and should never be used as a substitute child.

If you cannot or will not get help and get over this then you should end your relationship with your dp now, otherwise this will fester, tear you apart and the relationship will end anyway but far more destructively and painfully.

It sounds like you think having a baby will solve all your problems and bring full commitment from your DP when children do no such thing! I’m late 30’s and say never say never but deep down I know I don’t want anymore, I don’t want toddler tantrums, no sleep, and just general anxiety so I can see his point of view.

Sounds like it’s become a massive obsession; it’s not about winning or losing but about the right environment for a child. It can’t be right if one potential parent is not keen. And really that is it. Painful as it is. It is better to find this out now. It would be terrible to be a single mum in your 50s with a challenging teenager. And I should know ☹️

No-one seems to understand what is driving this, which is the feeling of rejection and lack of validation in my role as a mother. I can't see spending thousands more pounds on therapy is going to get rid of the unshakeable feeling that I'm not good enough but a baby isn’t going to change that. A baby may prefer its father for instance and then what? And babies don’t stay babies.

As for the siblings being there to support one another, they’ll be twenty years apart, that kind of relationship just isn’t going to happen.

It’s not a character assassination because your thoughts and goals and feelings are not realistic. And the pressure and expectation you will be putting on this imaginary baby is totally selfish and unfair to the point that if a baby were to ever materialise it will likely resent you at the earliest opportunity and will only confound your feelings of rejection as a mother.

If you continue as you are today - I predict a breakdown, your partner leaving you and your teenage DD’s MH deteriorating so that she is in pain and makes poor life choices - she may leave you also.

Your argument doesn’t make sense, there is no rejection, no lack of validation, you are not being rational, and actually I find your earlier post quite scary

OP, a baby isn't going to fix your problems.

I don't blame your partner for not wanting another child. You're both 40 (or approaching it) - and your kids are nearly flown. Not many people want to start over again at that stage of their lives. He's done the baby years, the toddler years, the sleepless nights, the school runs, the teen tantrums - he doesn't want to go through it all again at his age. And thinking realistically, do you really want to be dealing with toddler tantrums in your mid-forties, and to still be doing the school-run when you're in your fifties?

It would be different if you'd never had a baby and this was your one chance to have a child, but you already have an adult child and so does your partner. You can't force someone into parenthood. Even if you did get pregnant, there's no guarantee he wouldn't resent the hell out of you for it. It could break your relationship. Is having a baby important enough for you that you'd go it alone?

I am going to offer a slightly different perspective and the outcome, it's not quite the same but there are parallels. Like you, I had a child already when I met ex-DH. He had no kids and didn't want any but was happy to be a stepfather to my DD. I was clear from early on that I didn't want any more children. Eleven years later when I was 41 and he was 39, ex-DH suddenly decided he wanted to be a father. I really really didn't want a baby. At all. Life was easier, DD growing up, we had freedom etc etc. Ex-h piled on the pressure, indeed messed with contraception and other horrors that I won't go into. I fell pregnant. At 42 I had DS. It was a total nightmare and I knew something was wrong within a few weeks of his birth. DS was subsequently diagnosed with ASD and SPD. DH had an affair and upped and left when DS was 2 years old and here I am at 50 years old, a single parent in the truest sense to my 8 yo DS (who is a gorgeous little boy and I wouldn't be without him), however, my life is very very difficult. It was not the "dream" my ex-h thought it would be and it most certainly hasn't been anything like a dream for me! I have had varying degrees of depression, then a breakdown when ex-h left. While I will never regret DS, my life would be very very different now if I had stuck to my guns about not having another baby. I have lost my career and I am currently on carer's income. You are imagining an idyllic scenario that may very well not happen.

I understand your DP not wanting a baby in his forties, particularly with grown up children and freedom ahead. Further, there is 13 years between my two and that has been very difficult...don't assume that huge age gap siblings are a wonderful network for eachother because that is very difficult, lives go in different directions. My DD is now at university and they rarely see eachother. Indeed she really wasn't remotely interested in DS until he was a toddler and could interact with her. The whole thing had a profound impact on her.

Without seeking some help for what are clearly much wider issues than just having a baby, I can't see how you can continue on in this relationship. You are too far apart on this issue and it's not going to be resolved in the way that you want. I truly hope you find some peace going forward

Op, if you are still here I'm sorry if my questions made you feel worse, perhaps I could have framed them more sympathetically. But how would you feel if you did have a baby and it wasn't your ideal? Have you actually thought about that, is it just the beautiful clever athletic ideal boy you yearn for, or do you recognise the reality that you have to accept a child for what they are, not what you want them to be?

I think you still have ptsd / depression from your last breakup that hasn’t been addressed. You need to address why you want a child - it’s not a magic bullet that will make you feel better. In many cases having a child makes depression and other MH issues worse, and I’m betting your DP (who knows you better than us) has changed his mind because of this. Get some counselling. Focus on improving your MH. Then if you are okay start thinking about a child.