I've got to end this, haven't I? So fucking stupid.

[CampfiresAndBeer]

My head is in a complete spin and I don't know what to do for the best. I can't think straight.

I've been seeing someone since Jan. Very compatible. He's kind, thoughtful and loving.

But I've been worrying about the fact his ex wife and subsequent ex girlfriend are both far, far, far more attractive than me - slim, fit and beautiful. I'm just not. I'm best described as 'soft and curvy'; more accurately as 'plump'. I don't wear make up, my hair is natural and just left wavy - I never style it. Appearance wise, I'm the right side of 'average' in a good light...

I supposed to be meeting a small group of his oldest and closest friends in a couple of weeks and, to say I've been feeling a bit anxious about it would be an understatement.

I know his friends are going to be judging me on my 'suitability' for him and comparing me to his exes. It's normal and I know mine did when they met him! The fact they judged him favourably is besides the point.

I've been so anxious about it, I've been trying to manage the drive to call the whole thing off - the meeting of friends and the relationship. He doesn't know this. I've been working on talking myself down from just running away from it all but he's just said something that's sent all my barriers up

We were having a jokey text exchange and I responded to something with "ah no, don't say that, I'm already worried your friends will wonder what you see in me!" and his reply was, "Don't worry about what they think. It's what I think that matters and I think you're beautiful".

So he knows exactly what I mean. They will be wondering what he sees in me because I'm not as slim, pretty etc as his exes. And he is also acutely aware that they are going to be thinking that because he also knows it's true. Fucksake, I know it's true!

I'm such an idiot for thinking this could ever have been anything real or proper. My biggest relationship fear is being settled for..

I just need to learn that I'm not cut out for relationships, that this is all I'll ever be - not quite good enough and just stop deluding myself it could ever be anything different.

I'm just so fucking stupid 😢

And really sad.

You are (in danger of) sabotaging this relationship, stop it. Let it go how it goes and enjoy it.

People find different things attractive (looks wise) and on til of that attraction and compatibility are about a lot more than looks.

*on top

It does take work to undo what parents have said to you. It won't come overnight, CBT is good. Think of it like a groove in a road, it will take time to wear a new groove with kinder self talk. My mum's nasty comments have been my inner narrative for years, you have to stop every time they pop in and challenge them and change the thought. It takes a bit of time though.

He resolved to continue saying it until I believe it

Does anyone else find this wierd? It makes me feel a bit icky.

You are right, you can't stop yourself feeling like this. Emotions are annoying like that.

You have total control over how you choose to act when you feel the emotion.

What action is most likely to take you towards a future that you want?

OK, so what I keep seeing you saying is this thing about not being "good enough". What does that mean exactly. Good enough for what?

What does "good enough" look like?

I feel really sorry for this guy.
You want him to erase his exs and constantly tell you you're beautiful.
I think you should end it because it's not fair on either of you.
Maybe work on your self esteem before embarking on a relationship

You keep saying that you're confused. What, exactly, are you confused about? Break it down into small bits if you can.

I actually do think you should end it.

I don’t think you’re ready for a relationship. You’re being so hard on yourself but also, he doesn’t deserve the head fuck that this will be.

Going back to therapy and focusing on yourself is probably much healthier.

OP this man has known you since January. Not that long really. But he already knows he wants his friends to meet you and like you. That speaks VOLUMES!!! Christ looks don’t matter one bit and I’m quite sure you’re an attractive lady but who cares anyway! He fancies you, he likes you, he wants his friends to like you! You’re winning everywhere. Don’t spoil things by overthinking. Just have a great time. He sounds great so his friends are probably nice too

This is my suggestion as to why it's so confusing.

In your word for x decades you has this horrible box to be at home in, the horrible box says you aren't slim enough, aren't pretty enough and so on. If you rip that cardboard box up then you are homeless and it's terrifying.

At the minute if you get rejected because you are fat it's sort of ok because you KNOW that already, what if they reject you because they decide they real you the person you actually are Isn't kind enough or funny enough. Then where does that leave you?

It is incredibly difficult to let go of childhood "truths" and expose the few bits of yourself that you have dared to believe are "acceptable".

Hang on in there self belief and self love are worth striving for 💕

I don't agree with the few posters saying you should end it. Give the guy a chance - tell him how you're feeling! He sounds lovely - why can't you work on this together?

Who cares what they looked like physically? Although I think we’ve all done this to some extent! They clearly didn’t have much in them for the relationships to end looks without substance means nothing. I’ve dated some amazing looking guys yet they had either rubbish personalities or there just wasn’t a great connection so they then became so much less attractive to me and I’ve dated guys who physically weren’t the best looking but wow once there is a connection they were the most attractive. I had a friend who wasn’t the most attractive girl (not meaning to sound mean) although she though she was and her confidence was so high and she would walk into a room and every guy would stop to look at her. Looks really do mean nothing in the grand scheme of things although I am sure you are still beautiful (as we are all our own worst critics) but I’m sure you also have so many other amazing qualities about you so focus on a little more self love and I’m sure his friends will see in you what he sees in you.

This is totally the sort of thing that my husband would say and not understand why it upset me. But seeing someone else react that way makes me realise how annoying I must be.

Take it on face value, he's not considering what his friends make of your looks either way as it's not relevant. He's not saying, "Yeah they're going to think you're grim, but I don't!" He's saying, "I don't care if they think you're stunning or a munter, what matters is that I think you're beautiful."

CampFires I have a friend like you. She is funny, smart, beautiful, kind and just generally bloody brilliant.

She cannot see it. She has sabotaged endless relationships because of it.

Because my mum always told me that no one would love me because I'm not good enough. Or pretty enough. Or thin enough. My legs were too fat. My boobs were too small. My bum was too big. I looked too much like my dad. My hair was a dull colour. Dying my hair made me look hard... I've never been good enough.

This is exactly what her Father said to her.

Thankfully she has now met someone who she trusts and believes in. But the poor bloke had to put up with a lot of shit and rejection from her before she finally believed it! Luckily, as he is a good man, he stuck with it. He could have walked away.

Love, you need to either go back into counselling or just stop beating yourself up. This is not his issue, it is yours.

My DH’s ex-fiancée (who he treated like shit) is supermodel beautiful. The gf he had before me is an Eastern European blonde goddess.

I don’t have the same hang-ups that you do but objectively I know I don’t match them in the looks game. So what? I couldn’t give a shiny shit about that.

He married me. He wants to be with me. He grew up quite a lot over the past 12 years and knows he used to be a shit to women. Thankfully he actually learned something from his behaviours and their feedback.

The Supermodel ex is now one of my closest friends. She helped me dye my hair the day I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. The three of us laughed and cried together. She and I do not compare ourselves nor do we compare our relationships with him because they were different times. We were all different people then.

I hope you listen to the words people have spoken on this thread.

Be kind to yourself x

Just angry with myself for not being enough. And angry with myself for allowing myself to forget it for a while.

Nowhere have I read anything that suggests you are not enough! You are being a martyr to your own happiness. Pull yourself together, tell yourself you are loveable and isn't it great this lovely man can see that. Then forget about what you look like and enjoy your time together and meeting his friends.

Smile, the future looks bright for you if you can just stop self-sabotaging. He sounds like a nice man.:)

PS I'm the same about female friendships after being bullied mercilessly & sent to Coventry for years at boarding school. I don't trust friendships which is a shame cos it's all in my head and I adore some of my friends yet don't believe they really want me as a friend.

Also success, I've sabotaged success my whole life. I'm old now so it doesn't matter but you have a whole life ahead to build your happiness. Build your confidence and happiness will follow. Good luck.

Faulty thinking=Only conventially beautiful, thin women are worthy and “good enough.”

You are being arrogant to believe that you know what is best for him.

You should give him credit for knowing what, and who, is best for him.

He is “kind, thoughtful and loving,” and he is crazy about you. Trust that. To him, you are beautiful. Trust that. He feels happy and secure with you. Trust that.

You have given so much of your attention and life to people, who don’t deserve it. Now you’ve found someone, who does. Don’t sabotage that. It would be going backwards to where you were before.

I know how it feels to be told you are worthless. I had similar experiences as a child. I only learnt about unconditional love as an adult and have never been on the receiving end.

It sounds as if your mother’s words are still playing in your head. I finally expelled my mothers and my brothers words a few years ago after some intense therapy. Until that point I heard my mothers voice on tape constantly telling me who I was and what to do. I also constantly heard echos from my brother about my physical appearance. He was physically abusive and degraded me sexually. The stuff from my brother is actually still not fully gone so I know I need further therapy but am not well enough right now.

I really would recommend going back to see someone.

Oh OP. You need to start valuing yourself in ways that don’t involve your looks. I’m fatter than both my DH’s exes, and all of his close friends’ wives. Not that I’m enormous, but I am the largest of the group (two of them are marathon runners), and I rarely bother with makeup, doing my hair etc. Who cares? That’s just ONE thing about me. I have lots of other good qualities, and I’m sure you do too!

I guess the main difference between us is that I had a mother who loved me and didn’t criticise me

Unlike you, maybe he and his friends don't put a huge emphasis on looks and value other things in people also!

Op I would bet what you're saying about appearance isn't actually true. Beauty is not a standard, despite what Instagram would have you think. Slim is not the only gorgeous I can promise you. I'm a size 14 these days, not conventionally pretty at all, with wonky teeth and a huge nose, but I would never consider myself as unattractive as you do. My body has curves and balance, it works hard for me, it birthed my children and gives me freedom. I'm no oil painting but I've never had a shortage of attention is what I'm saying. You need to stop seeing size 8, long model hair and regular features as the only form of beauty. Model looks are one form of attraction. Being sexy, quirky, all those things are a package along with the 'perfect' nose or arse.

The mum thing is the main thing here. Mums standards of beauty affect many women, I get that, and it's easy to feel that if the one person meant to see you through rose tinted glasses sees you as not good enough you aren't. It's not reality though. There are shitty, nasty mums, it doesn't make it true, and I think you know that.

You sound almost like you know this man will make you happy and you're frightened to let him. You need to stop this or your negativity will eventually grind him down, he'll leave, and it'll be nothing to do with not being good enough and everything to do with you telling him he's not good enough to stop this self pity in you. Sorry I don't mean to be so harsh, low self esteem is crippling I know, but it's baseless op or he wouldn't want you in the first place.

I actually think you should break it off, for his sake. You are constantly going to be testing him to provide you with evidence that you are as unattractive as you think you are, and who needs that?

And you need to work on your self esteem before embarking on any other relationship.

There is always somebody thinner, younger, more attractive then you (and me, and everybody) and yet relationships happen and are maintained and flourish. The only thing stopping you is a preconceived notion that you are unlovable and unattractive which has its seeds in how you were treated in your formative years. That was then, this is now, you need to get past it. Just because somebody says you are X does not mean you are. You need to break that pattern.

I would definitely get into some counselling and stick with it. Your self esteem is on the floor and they can help you.

I'm angry with my self. Not him. @CampfiresAndBeer

Be angry with your mother. Not him. Not you. Your mother!

I can totally see why you think this way, my mother said similar to me and it becomes the only message we hear about ourselves.

I met my dh when I was 15, left home at 18 and married at 20 because he "tolerated" me. Weeks after I left home I stopped contact and rebuilt myself from the inside out. I realized that he didn't tolerate me, he loved me.

I still, 28 yrs later, hear her voice, and have doubts about my worth, but all that does is let her win and she isn't ruining anything else for me. I tested my dh in all sorts of horrible ways to see if he really cared, and really loved me.

You need to start understanding that those messages your mum gave you were not done out of love, or kindness, they were done out of spite and she is nothing but a cruel bully. It shocks you to the core to know that you mum could be this cruel, but that's all it is... A CRUEL PERSON.

Honestly, if he didn't care about you, he wouldn't be with you! That's the fact! Despite what your head is telling you.

You need to break the cycle and see that what your mother did was nothing short of emotional abuse.

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

@Harebel - Did you even read MitziKs post? Not listening to sound advice is an unattractive quality

This goes deeper than not listening to sound advice. The op has had years of being told she isn't good enough by the one person who should have loved her unconditionally. You cannot undo that by reading one person's post on the internet. If you could, therapy wouldn't exist.

And you REALLY think telling someone with such rock bottom self esteem that "this is not an attractive quality" helps anyone? Because it doesn't. All you have done is reinforce how the op feels about herself, well done.

@MitziK had absolutely great advice. I truly hope you focus on it @CampfiresAndBeer so you can give this relationship a chance. Good luck