OH wants a baby but I’m not sure...is there a future for us?

[Tafelberg]

Hi all,

Brand new member here, I wasn’t sure where was best to post this so hope this is ok here.

Will try to keep this brief...I am 37, been with my OH (39) for a year and half and we live together. He has two kids, 3 and 5 who stay with us every other weekend and he sees them separately in the week sometimes too. I get on great with the kids although admit I find it tiring having them around and am relieved when they go home. When we first got together, we discussed kids - I told him I'd never been sure I wanted any (erring more on not) and he told me he would quite like more but was very happy with his two so basically happy either way.

Anyway..as time's gone on, he has seemed to start wanting another baby more - mostly as he wants to have the "proper" dad/child relationship - and I am stuck at still being very undecided. Recently I thought I might want to have one, mostly due to my best friend who’d also never wanted kids in the past changing her minds and getting pregnant and my youngest sibling and his partner also about to have their first, but I've since swung back the other way and am back to being more on the "I don't know" side. I've said to him that perhaps we should just do it, because I may never be sure and I might regret not having one in the future, but he has rightly said he wouldn't want to try for one with me if I'm not sure because it wouldn't be fair on the baby and could cause resentment down the line.

We've talked about it a lot recently and actually had a bit of a meltdown a few weeks ago where it looked like we might have to break up over it. We've cleared the air and moved past it for the time being but I'm wondering if I'm just putting off the inevitable :( We love each other very much and I would give anything to be able to tell him I do want one but it would be a lie. At the same time, I can't say that I definitely don't want one, ever.

I do know that if I got pregnant by accident tomorrow (I am on the pill) I would keep the baby and I know I would be ok - he is an excellent father, has been through everything already twice and would be a huge support to me and the baby. I also think that once my friend's/brother’s babies are born that might make me start wanting one but obviously I can't guarantee it. I don't know what to do. I can't bear losing him over this but am I being selfish trying to ignore it and keep him to myself when he could be out finding someone who definitely does want a baby with him?

Sorry I didn't manage to keep it brief! Any help/opinions welcome :(

My DH always wanted children - I did not but felt like you that I might regret in later life. I accidentally fell pregnant and now have a 1 month old. I still dislike being around other people's children and find them incredibly tiring, but adore my baby. I was still in 2 minds as to wanting children on the way into hospital to give birth! This doesn't of course you'll feel the same, but at least if your friends and close family are having babies too, you'll have company and they'll be at the same life stage as you.

It is difficult if you cannot make up your mind either way and I imagine it is frustrating for your DP too seeing as he knows where he stands on the matter (As was the case for my DH). Sadly, from my experience, the answer won't necessarily ever become obvious as to whether you'll want a baby. I think your DP needs to state how much of a deal breaker this is for him.

He has the kids every other weekend. If he wants to see the kids more, why doesn't he?

What would his ex say about his attributes as a partner? His contributions to coparenting?

What does he say about the mother of his kids? How resentful is he about providing financial support to her/the kids?

It is perfectly fine to feel how you do.
Life changes forever when you have children. It's a huge test of any relationship and please don't put yourself through it just to 'mentally tick the box of how a woman 'should' behave' (according to society opinion)
It's Your body so don't do it just to make someone else happy. You are nobody's brood mare.
Maybe you do want kids but with a man who doesn't already have them so he can go through all the firsts with you. Its fine to feel like that too.

You get one life. Don't settle for less than you truly honestly deep down inside KNOW that you are worth.

Thanks for the replies.

@FluffMagnet, thank you - that does reassure me a bit. It’s just hard when I love the life we have at the moment. I’ve read and heard such a lot about how hard having kids is - including the threads on here about those parents who’ve regretted having kids - which hasn’t helped. I also wish my age and likely declining fertility didn’t have to be a factor in my decision.

@PicsInRed, this is where it gets a bit more complex. He lives a 2.5 hour drive away from them, he moved away through choice when he and his ex split up. He does want to see them more but distance makes it hard and his ex has also made things difficult at mediation sessions. They have a very acrimonious relationship which I try to stay well out of. They basically can’t bear each other. I’ve never spoken to her but he’s been honest about why they split up and has been open about his part in it (he used to have a very bad temper, hold grudges etc - he has worked on this a lot though and I don’t see much of that at all). I don’t know what she’d say about him as a coparent but he pays a lot financially (he was recently overpaying by hundreds for a few months but did so until the Agency sorted it out - he was very good about it) and is a great dad when we have them. He doesn’t overly spoil them or “Disney dad” them - he will discipline them and be strict when they are naughty or rude etc but is kind and fun and does lots of stuff with them.

@BrevilleTron, thank you. You’re right I know. I do think if I had them I’d want them to be with him, though. I’d much rather have someone around who had been through it all already and could reassure me about things I’m not sure about etc. I know I obviously didn’t get to see what he was like as a dad when they were babies but I do think he’d be supportive and an equal parent to any child we had.

You have no idea if he's been honest and open. You've never spoken with his ex, he could be full of it.

He chose to move away, then claims he's too far to see the kids. That's exactly the same as choosing not to see them.

He has literally told you what he's like in a committed relationship with children.

he used to have a very bad temper, hold grudges etc

They have a very acrimonious relationship

They basically can’t bear each other

As you've never spoken with her, you mean he hates her

I’ve never spoken to her but he’s been honest about why they split up and has been open about his part in it

Says him. How do you know if he's being honest and open?

he used to have a very bad temper, hold grudges etc

He's behaving until he has you stuck.

he pays a lot financially (he was recently overpaying by hundreds for a few months but did so until the Agency sorted it out - he was very good about it)

So he overpaid by accident and didn't let her keep the money...so he pays what he's forced to pay by CSA? Champion.

He's being good to you now, until he feels like you're stuck. Pregnancy will "stuck" you.

Consider yourself forewarned.

Difficult one. I'm currently almost in your OH's situation. I have one DD, resident with me 60/40, and have met a wonderful woman (mid 30s, no DC) that I see my future with. She flips between no and not sure, and would almost certainly keep a child if she fell pregnant.

I've always been of the mind what will be will be, but had no burning desire to try to have more DC. However, now I'm hopelessly in love, a strong desire for DC with her now and then comes over me. This isn't a desire for just more DC, but her only. On other days I flip back to what will be will be.

Scary stuff though.

He has 2 very young children who he has chosen to move away from, therefore opting out of their day to day lives. But now he wants a baby with you? What if the same problems occur as in his previous relationship, will he move away from your child too? He's not a good bet.

@PicsinRed and @Bluestitch, you’re both saying things I’ve thought to myself but haven’t wanted to properly examine because I don’t want them to be true. It’s actually good for me to see them spelt out by people on the outside, as hard as it is to read. I can see how he sounds like a bad bet on the basis of my posts and that makes me feel awful as he is a good, loving, kind, generous, thoughtful and supportive partner to me.

In terms of the money thing, he did let her keep the money he overpaid, but the CSA have adjusted his payments so the next few months will be less than usual until the balance is made up, if that makes sense.

Re his ex, do you think I should try/have tried to speak to her? I’ve always thought it was best for me to stay out of things between them but maybe that’s just been me burying my head in the sand.

@SkinnyPete, thanks for your input. After reading the other replies I started thinking “but why would he want to trap me into having a baby with him” so it’s nice to read your side of it. I can’t say that Bluestitch’s point about what if we were to break up hasn’t been something that’s concerned me already though. I’ve even said it to him and he does know that it’s a risk.

When you get into your late thirties it is harder to imagine adapting your life to welcome a baby but i don't think I've ever met anyone who had kids later in life who didn't absolutely worship them when they came along. (It is completely different to other people's children - even step children) Your DH is keen because he knows how wonderful being a parent is and perhaps wants that for/with you

Yes children are expensive and exhausting but I've met more people who regret NOT having children than those that regret actually having them x

Never have a child with a man who has purposely opted out of the life of his existing children. You say he "wants to be s proper dad" by having another child. That means he knows he's made a mess of things with his existing kids and wants another chance with another child. What he needs to do is focus on his existing children and be a decent dad to them. Having his kids EOW is not much parenting is it? There's no day to day things. He just gets all the good bits.
Hills. That way >>>>>>>

OP you are in a good position to assess what kind of father he would be to your baby. I don't just mean whether he plays with them but how he has organised his life to do his share, how much responsibility he takes, covering sick days etc. I doubt he can do any of that from 2.5 hours away. His contribution is paying the CSA minimum and seeing them EOW. His youngest is barely more than a baby and he already wants another one, it sounds like as a replacement to get it right this time.

To me the tea-leaves are saying no. You like your life as it is, having children in a step/blended family situation is a whoooooole lot more complicated than having them in a "first family" setup, and I'm seriously side-eyeing your DP's "want to be a proper father" thing, even more so now you've revealed he was the one who moved away from his kids.

You often only really find out who a man is when you have kids and a largely childfree adult relationship is not going to produce nearly the stresses of a blended family setup. You could very easily be that "acrimonious" ex with the kid in the near future and he's moved on to the next wide eyed younger woman who thinks he's great.

Yes, many people who are ambivalent at best end up doing very well when they have their hand forced by an unplanned pregnancy. But not all by any means, and the flip side of later in life pregnancies is that it can be very very hard to adapt to the loss of the freedoms you have had for so long. If you have no positive desire for kids and would be doing this "for him", I'd skip it. His track record says he isn't worth it.

Your DH is keen because he knows how wonderful being a parent is

So why move away 2.5 hours from the children he has already?

I agree with PP he's not a great dad, he ended his relationship with their mother when they were at the most 1,2 years old and moved over 100miles away, what a guy! Leaving his ex to raise 2 babies alone and he sees them a few days a month, if he was a great dad he would have stayed nearby and been involved in a daily basis. Do not have a baby with this feckless idiot.

Did he move away to be with you?

Wow at “overpaying” and now redeessing he balance. He’s a shit dd, left mum to parent by herself by moving away and he’ll leave you in the shit too if you get pregnant by him.

I've got the warning bells ringing too, OP. Overpaying is just being generous with his own kids. He wants that money back? I've seen too many first families struggling in real hardship while the dad swans off and only gives the minimum when he can perfectly afford more. This is only one aspect of it.
You sound too innocent to be with him. Sorry.

In terms of the money thing, he did let her keep the money he overpaid, but the CSA have adjusted his payments so the next few months will be less than usual until the balance is made up, if that makes sense.

That's what I thought, he will pay less until its "made up" to him, therefore she didn't keep the extra he accidentally paid and he actually only pays the minimum required - and through CSA.

Re his ex, do you think I should try/have tried to speak to her? I’ve always thought it was best for me to stay out of things between them

You don't need to speak with her. He's already told you, through his own admissions and through his actions that he's an abusive partner who moves far away from his kids when he's had enough of their mother, then does the bare minimum, physically and financially, to prove to a new partner that hes an "ok 'un".

Don't contact her, really I suspect she's been through enough and deserves to be left alone. If she tells you something, you may blurt it to him accidentally, then he'll use it to make her life a (further) misery.

He's literally told and demonstrated to you who he is. An enormous crapweasel. Don't procreate with him. You will regret it forever.

I think I agree with SparklySneakers. Your own and your potential child’s life are too important to be considered in terms of the desires of someone who wants a second ‘go’, while seeing little of his existing children.

My husband always wanted children but I was in camp 'never'. I don't have a maternal bone and have never felt the urge or need to have a child.

I accidentally fell pregnant, I couldn't go through with a termination because I had no good reason to actually terminate the pregnancy and its was the first time I have ever been pregnant. I saw how excited my partner was and he reiterated the fact that it was my choice and he would support me either way I choose. I am 38 weeks pregnant today and I am shitting myself I still toy between wish I wasn't pregnant to O0o0o0o a new adventure is beginning. I have had a hellish pregnancy from hg to spd which has made me hate the process I am going through and I am hoping that when the baby arrives I get the overwhelming love bug.

The positive to this pregnancy is it has brought me and my husband even closer than before. He has made plans for me to be able to take time away to socialise and continue with hobbies so that I don't feel like my life has drastically changed and loose my identity to just 'mum'.

I don't think there is a right time, some people know they want a child from an early age others like myself wait and wait for the urge and then be put into a situation and think OK the choice has been made for me and I will just go along with it.

OP how would you feel if DSC ended up moving in permanently?

For whatever reason this could be a possibility as they get older.

In your shoes I wouldn't.
I was in two minds about kids and in the end have two lovely children. Howver although I wouldn't change it, I still miss my old life and the old me and my oldest is 9!
So unless you have a real urge to have a baby, I just wouldn't.

Something to really really think about, OP; if someone feels they haven't been the parent they'd like to be and want to change that and redress their mistakes, the way to do that is to focus on being the parent they want to be to their existing children. The children he already made and barely sees, the children he moved away from. A truly good parent who repented past failings would be wanting to make it up to real living children, rather than complicate their lives and unsettle them hugely by having another. Can you see how dysfunctional and detached it is to just move away, do a fairly bare minimum (and EOW is pretty bare, as is what the CSA will be taking in maintenance) but talk a game about how you want another baby so you can be such a great dad to them?

OP I hope you're getting a dose of reality from this thread.

I am

You paint such a gentle, rosy picture of him but the facts do not support it one bit.

His children are still tiny - TINY.

Doing the maths - if you've been together 18 months (which by the way is NOWHERE near long enough to know someone enough to consider starting a family with them!) then even if you got together really quickly after he left his family, he still left at best when their youngest was still a BABY - 16, 18 months at most. That tells you a LOT. It's such a stressful time - it's so hard with a baby and more so a baby and a toddler. And he left. Not just to live around the corner so that he could still fulfil his responsibilities but moved two and a half hours away.

Don't tell yourself that this man is a good dad. He isn't. He's an awful one. Even he admits that his behaviour was poor so given that he's unlikely to be completely honest about his shortcomings, he may have been far worse than you think. But even, EVEN if he were a lovely person and it was literally 100% her fault that they split, he's STILL a crap dad.

A good man who takes his parenting responsibilities seriously simply would not have moved this distance away. He's effectively left her a single parent to two preschoolers - absolutely dropped her, and them, right in the shit. Money doesn't cover night wakings and sharing the burden and taking one to nursery or to a party when the other is ill. A good dad would have moved out but stayed close because he wouldn't even consider not being there on a daily basis to be a real parent, to do those everyday things. He wouldn't want to have moved.

Instead his preferred option sees his tiny children travelling hours every other weekend, splitting their lives between two locations, not seeing their mum when they are visiting. A good dad wouldn't have chosen that for them.

And now he's got his new partner and his new life and he fancies giving it another go. Right.

Take it from everyone on this thread - he isn't a keeper, he isn't a good father, and he very likely is absolutely full of bullshit. And the reason you're so sure he's not is because at 18 months in, you don't have a clue who the real him is.

Do not do this. Stay with him, fine, but don't comit to anything until you're at least another two years down the line. By then however I'm sure you'll have seen plenty of the kind of selfishness that allowed him to leave his babies without a backward glance to make your mind up for you.