OH wants a baby but I’m not sure...is there a future for us?

[Tafelberg]

Hi all,

Brand new member here, I wasn’t sure where was best to post this so hope this is ok here.

Will try to keep this brief...I am 37, been with my OH (39) for a year and half and we live together. He has two kids, 3 and 5 who stay with us every other weekend and he sees them separately in the week sometimes too. I get on great with the kids although admit I find it tiring having them around and am relieved when they go home. When we first got together, we discussed kids - I told him I'd never been sure I wanted any (erring more on not) and he told me he would quite like more but was very happy with his two so basically happy either way.

Anyway..as time's gone on, he has seemed to start wanting another baby more - mostly as he wants to have the "proper" dad/child relationship - and I am stuck at still being very undecided. Recently I thought I might want to have one, mostly due to my best friend who’d also never wanted kids in the past changing her minds and getting pregnant and my youngest sibling and his partner also about to have their first, but I've since swung back the other way and am back to being more on the "I don't know" side. I've said to him that perhaps we should just do it, because I may never be sure and I might regret not having one in the future, but he has rightly said he wouldn't want to try for one with me if I'm not sure because it wouldn't be fair on the baby and could cause resentment down the line.

We've talked about it a lot recently and actually had a bit of a meltdown a few weeks ago where it looked like we might have to break up over it. We've cleared the air and moved past it for the time being but I'm wondering if I'm just putting off the inevitable :( We love each other very much and I would give anything to be able to tell him I do want one but it would be a lie. At the same time, I can't say that I definitely don't want one, ever.

I do know that if I got pregnant by accident tomorrow (I am on the pill) I would keep the baby and I know I would be ok - he is an excellent father, has been through everything already twice and would be a huge support to me and the baby. I also think that once my friend's/brother’s babies are born that might make me start wanting one but obviously I can't guarantee it. I don't know what to do. I can't bear losing him over this but am I being selfish trying to ignore it and keep him to myself when he could be out finding someone who definitely does want a baby with him?

Sorry I didn't manage to keep it brief! Any help/opinions welcome :(

These 'overpayments' - presuming they weren't such that they rendered him unable to live/pay his mortgage/rent - say a lot about how he thinks of fatherhood and his children. Reducing them to CSA levels and clawing them back is profoundly unpaternal behaviour (again, assuming they didn't leave him in utterly dire straits). I would be very sure to not have a child with a man capable of this.

And that's quite apart from the moving away. Such little children need regularity and frequency to build relationships.

I’ve never spoken to her but he’s been honest about why they split up and has been open about his part in it (he used to have a very bad temper, hold grudges etc - he has worked on this a lot though and I don’t see much of that at all)

All abusive men have "bad tempers". But only at home where no one can see.

Quite Chilllng to wonder how his 'bad temper' and 'grudges' played out during his brief go at family life with dc.

He hasn't 'worked on it' for too long then Op.

So he could have stayed with things as they were and carried on commuting, but chose to move. So not having to commute came above living near his children. As has been said, devoted, 'excellent' (to quote your OP) dads don't move 2 1/2 hours from their toddlers. Next time he comments on how 'crippling' it is to not be in their everyday lives, perhaps you could point that out. He put it above a commute.

There is no way around this - regardless of every single other consideration you should absolutely not, ever have a child with this man. You have the measure of what kind of father he is when the chips are down - one that can put other thigns ABOVE staying close to his children. You see a man playing at being an 'excellent' dad once a fortnight and leaving the hard yards and the stuff that matters to their mum.

Instead his little children are doing the commute for him. I can see that they aren't actually travelling once again mid-week - but it's still obvious why their mum wouldn't have wanted them to have the additional overnight - they're already pretty disrupted as it is - now they're at grannys for a night once a week/fortnight too?! Hard going for them I would imagine.

I feel for their mum - I don't imagine that you will be in a position to hear her side of it but I bet it would be very different to his. But I hope that the strong feelings on this thread might give you an insight into why she must fucking hate him tbh - he didn't have to move, she would have dealt with their (then) three year old presumably having to cope with daddy leaving. Now she's basically doing it alone and on top of that having to cope with the logistics and emotions of sending them off every two weeks. Mine would have found that really hard at those ages - really hard. Little children need routine, home, bed, they need their primary carer, they do best when this isn't their lifestyle, frankly. And this 'excellent dad' has chosen to put that on their plates, to make his commute easier

OP, I had my children late, I wasn't far off your age when I was still flip-flopping about having babies. You're right, you don't want to regret anything. So, you won't want to hear this but if I were you I wouldn't stay with this man. I think you could easily hit 40, want a baby and he'd be the wrong person to have one with. Don't waste the next couple of years finding that out. Oh and as for the logistics - don't have a baby, especially with a man with this track record, without being married.

@onalongsabbatical I don't know about that but what a nice thing to say

Only if he marries you. Bad idea to have kids without that legal protection.

S'true Fizz your posts always impress me with the care you put into them (especially as I'm a bit of a lazy arse who can't muster the words half the time).

I can't believe he lowered the CS to 'make up' what he apparently overpaid. A good dad wouldn't

Also can't believe he wants a 'do over' with a new kid. What does that say about the others? And him. And your role in his fantasy?

I think a man can have as many children as he likes as long as it is not to the detriment of any others. If he can sort it so no one gets any less because of a new baby/babies, then good luck to him. I suspect that is not the case here. It is rarely the case as we all know.

Thank you all again for taking the time to reply to me. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about all this - his kids were at our home when I got back from work last night and it was pretty hard trying not to let my emotions show. I’m not one of those people to justify a partner’s bad behaviour with “but I love him”, though - I stayed with an emotionally abusive man for a year previously and always promised myself I would never make that mistake again. I think that’s what’s making this even harder, though - I have known emotional abuse and thought I would be able to recognise it if it happened again. There is so much good about my relationship (I know some of you might not believe that) that even though I have previously been very happy on my own and know I can be again, it makes it extremely difficult to cut it all off.

@GreenFizzyWater I’m brand new here so haven’t had much experience of many posters/responses but yours have stood out to me for being clear, well-reasoned and eloquent, so thank you, but I also really do appreciate everyone who’s taken the time to read and reply. There have been a lot of very helpful and considered thoughts and although I’m now struggling I know I needed to be given insight into my situation from those who have the benefit of not being involved in it. I’m just so sad and wish so much it didn’t need to come to this.

You really haven't been together very long at all, and because you're not sure you definitely shouldn't have a baby with him.

You don't have to make any final decisions about anything right now, and if he's applying pressure, that's bad news about him.

Make sure your contraception is very good.

Ah OP, you sound lovely 😊.

Personally, I am suspicious of any man who wants children to meet their own needs (the opportunity to be a ‘proper’ parent). He had that opportunity and still does have that opportunity but it seems he has given up on that opportunity and wants a new one.

Why does he want a second chance at something when his first chance are still there (albeit 2.5 hours away)? He should be making his first chance at parenting work, not feeling “Well, that didn’t work out the way I wanted it to ...I want to try again”. He’s not baking a cake here.

Only have a child if you are absolutely sure it is right for you. Not for him. Not because you might worry you might lose him. Not because you want to be the woman who enables him to have his ‘second chance at parenting’. This is not a time to be generous. It is a time to know your own mind.

Good luck OP. As I said you sound lovely and you deserve to be happy.

Sorry OP but I see so many red flags here. I think you do too which is why you are hesitant in wanting to have a baby with him.

Like the others posters have said, the things he says do not add up with his actions.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Might be helpful.

"I also know many women who have said to me that they didn't know 100% and they went on to have one and absolutely love it."
Of course that's a perfectly socially acceptable thing to say. You don't hear from women who say that they weren't sure about having children but went ahead and then regretted it. But they exist.
I'm not saying you should never have children if you're not 100% sure (90% maybe ) but there is no guarantee that you will love motherhood, and you should trust your gut.

keepingspiritsup, I have never met anyone who is childfree by choice who regrets that decision. On the other hand, many parents have told me if they could go back in time they would not have children.

Fizzy has said it all.
It is note worthy that when you wouldn't capitulate there was a major argument,
In many cases the abuse starts when pregnancy & children arrive. If you don't have children he wouldn't have the same potential.

As you say, you are on the brink of not wanting DC, you can be a dedicated step parent with love & enjoy his DC.
Enjoy your freedom, your job, your friends, your couple... but don't have children with this man.

MudCity has a very good point that bears repeating:

Why does he want a second chance at something when his first chance are still there (albeit 2.5 hours away)? He should be making his first chance at parenting work, not feeling “Well, that didn’t work out the way I wanted it to ...I want to try again”. He’s not baking a cake here.

When you break it down, it's treating his dc like they're disposable and replaceable.

He says missing out on experiences with his kids is ‘crippling him’

Please don’t let your decision-making be all about his needs. Yes, being a part-time / weekend parent must be really tough and I am sure he misses daily contact with his children but having another child won’t make this ‘right’ somehow. It isn’t a magic wand.

In my personal experience some men I have encountered live in a bit of a fantasy world when it comes to having children. It is like somehow having another child will make everything ‘right’ again. I’m not quite sure how that works!

He is actually very, very lucky. He has a great relationship with you, he sees his children on a regular basis and you are supportive of his relationship with his children, being part of their lives when they visit. He is very fortunate to have your love and support. You have the right to make a decision here. Please don’t let yourself be unduly influenced by this man’s needs. Your needs count too.

So your DP and his ex moved 2.5 hours away from his work, knowing that it would mean he would be spending 5 hours a day commuting, arriving home well after their bedtime, and would basically become a weekend dad in his own home? In that context, his decision to move back by himself doesn't seem so bad to me. Of course it's still a shit situation for the kids but they should never have moved there in the first place!

He has two children who come every other weekend. After a year and a half you are living together. That strikes me as neither sensible nor measured. Who owns or has the lease on the property? How stable are you both financially? He wants a baby but where is the long term commitment with you?

Sorry op but I don't think a sensible man introduces a woman he hasn't known very long to his children from a previous relationship.

Red flags all over the place. Folliw the signpost for the hills and run very very fast.

You've had some great advice on this thread, OP. You seem to have your head screwed on, which is really good. I agree that you shouldn't have a baby unless you actually want to be a mum. I'm saying that because having DC changes your life forever. I'll never regret adopting our DDs, but nothing will ever be the same again.

And I wouldn't advise having a baby with this man, because I suspect you'd end up in the same position as his ex in a few years time.

Before I read anymore he is not overpaying . He has paid above the legal minimum.

As for what you read on here . Bear in mind most people do not post on a forum life is hunky dory . They just get on with it.

He says missing out on experiences with his kids is ‘crippling him’

Why would a new baby reduce the experiences he was missing out on with his existing kids?

What he means is he wants to care less about his existing kids and focus on a new baby to replace them. He sees children as something you can just swap in and out.

he is not overpaying . He has paid above the legal minimum

And it's being clawed back. He's not doing above and beyond in any respect for his dc.

OP, you say he says he used to have a bad temper and hold grudges. At only 18 months in, have you had occasion to say no to him, have you had to stand your ground on anything yet?

@MudCity and @Lizzie48, thank you. I am trying my best but it’s incredibly tough. There are a lot of nuances to this situation and maybe I’m not painting the whole picture clearly. For a start, this conversation (over which we almost broke up) came up when we had been out for a meal and had both had some drinks. I think we both overreacted in certain ways but I do know that roots of arguments you have when under the influence are usually lying beneath the surface and need to be brought up eventually no matter what. @LittleKitty1985, you also make a very good point in that it wasn’t an ideal solution in the first place - I think the decision was mainly made because of where the grandparents live and yes it meant a long commute for him pretty much every day for months.

In terms of our living situation, we rent a place together. It’s owned by a private landlord. We moved in together after having been together for a year. We are both stable financially albeit he is in a better position than me; he owns the house his parents live in (well, they paid the deposit but it’s in his name and they cover the mortgage payments - so eventually it will be his). I don’t earn a lot though and don’t have much in the way of savings, and that has also been a concern of mine re having children but he’s always said I shouldn’t let that be a factor against having them as he would support me/us (he has a much better paid job). I know I couldn’t guarantee us staying together but I do know even if we broke up he would maintain a child financially. I take all your points about him paying “the bare minimum” and “clawing back” the money he overpaid, but for all the other faults he may have, honestly he isn’t stingy with money towards the children. At all.

Also, I did meet his children fairly early on but not in the capacity as a girlfriend. I do understand that some people think it’s wrong for a new partner to be introduced early on, and maybe it was a mistake but I was guided by him as their father (and he told his ex about me before they met me so she wouldn’t hear about it from them and had the chance to express any concerns which as far as I know she didn’t. I think she would have put this forward as an issue in mediation if she had).

In terms of the “crippling” comment, I didn’t take this as him meaning he can’t be bothered with the ones he has. He absolutely dotes on them regardless of how it may come across from what I’ve said. What I think he meant is that in addition to the children he has already, he would like another with whom he would be able to have daily contact/do all the stuff he doesn’t get to do with the two he has. I do agree with those of you who’ve said I should remind him that he was the one to move away though and suggest that moving back closer to them and strengthening the relationship he has with them and their mum would be a better solution than having another baby with me (or anyone else) and potentially ending up in a situation where he has three children he doesn’t see.

Finally @category12, not really. We’ve had a few arguments (maybe 3 or 4) over the time we’ve been together but it’s just been over usual couple stuff. I will say he does tend to sulk/give me the silent treatment when we fight which I hate but 1) I am comfortable calling him out on this and 2) it takes two to argue. I’m sure I’m not blameless.