OH wants a baby but I’m not sure...is there a future for us?

[Tafelberg]

Hi all,

Brand new member here, I wasn’t sure where was best to post this so hope this is ok here.

Will try to keep this brief...I am 37, been with my OH (39) for a year and half and we live together. He has two kids, 3 and 5 who stay with us every other weekend and he sees them separately in the week sometimes too. I get on great with the kids although admit I find it tiring having them around and am relieved when they go home. When we first got together, we discussed kids - I told him I'd never been sure I wanted any (erring more on not) and he told me he would quite like more but was very happy with his two so basically happy either way.

Anyway..as time's gone on, he has seemed to start wanting another baby more - mostly as he wants to have the "proper" dad/child relationship - and I am stuck at still being very undecided. Recently I thought I might want to have one, mostly due to my best friend who’d also never wanted kids in the past changing her minds and getting pregnant and my youngest sibling and his partner also about to have their first, but I've since swung back the other way and am back to being more on the "I don't know" side. I've said to him that perhaps we should just do it, because I may never be sure and I might regret not having one in the future, but he has rightly said he wouldn't want to try for one with me if I'm not sure because it wouldn't be fair on the baby and could cause resentment down the line.

We've talked about it a lot recently and actually had a bit of a meltdown a few weeks ago where it looked like we might have to break up over it. We've cleared the air and moved past it for the time being but I'm wondering if I'm just putting off the inevitable :( We love each other very much and I would give anything to be able to tell him I do want one but it would be a lie. At the same time, I can't say that I definitely don't want one, ever.

I do know that if I got pregnant by accident tomorrow (I am on the pill) I would keep the baby and I know I would be ok - he is an excellent father, has been through everything already twice and would be a huge support to me and the baby. I also think that once my friend's/brother’s babies are born that might make me start wanting one but obviously I can't guarantee it. I don't know what to do. I can't bear losing him over this but am I being selfish trying to ignore it and keep him to myself when he could be out finding someone who definitely does want a baby with him?

Sorry I didn't manage to keep it brief! Any help/opinions welcome :(

@Pianobook no he didn't, we met after he moved.

@SoHotADragonRetired (and many others) - I do see what you're saying and can also see how I may come across as innocent/naïve in all this. I should probably have asked a lot more questions about this set up earlier in our relationship but I guess it's only really now the issue of us having a child together has come up properly that it's assumed more importance for me. I haven't been totally oblivious to it all though - when we have the kids and it gets to the end of the day and I am exhausted, I often think about his ex and how hard it must be for her to have them for so much more of the time. She works as well, and although she has both sets of grandparents living near her who help with childcare etc, I'm definitely under no illusions about how much easier it is for him than her. She didn't want him to have the extra day per fortnight that he now has with them (he didn't have this when we first met) and he had to go through mediation to get that - but in the cold light of day I know that I have no proper details about why she didn't want him to have that time (and while I don't think he was lying, I admit that as with everything else I only have his word for this).

@LazyLizzy I don't know how I'd feel about them moving in permanently. It's not something that's ever come up, I suppose because they're so young.

You're all making very valid points about the circumstances in which his relationship with the ex ended and the choices he made. I feel ashamed of myself for not having questioned this more myself; I'm not a kid, nor is this my first adult relationship (although it is the first where there are children involved). I'm at a loss now though. Part of me feels I should try to have a proper conversation with him about all of this and part of me is wondering whether that's a total waste of time and I should just cut and run.

OH is being selfish, he has 2 children who will feel pushed aside if he has a child with you. He isn't thinking of them at all, he is putting himself first.

You have been with him a relatively short amount of time and you really don't know him like you think you do.

Don't be pushed into having a baby. Unfortunately, I don't see your OH as being the committed co-parent that you would want.

@FizzyGreenWater, believe me, I really am - I needed it though.

You're right in everything you say, in fact you couldn't be more nail on the head and I am going to have to do a lot of thinking. Thinking which I probably should have done a long time ago and am feeling pretty bloody stupid for not having do so now.

What reason has he given you as to why he moved away from them?

Starting a new family with you having moved so far from his existing kids might not go down very well at the "other end". Imagine how it might feel for those two kids, now or later. They are not likely to benefit, I would suspect? It's sad for your dp of course to wanr more kids and you not be so keen, but it is possible that he may not really understand his own motivation.

Has he ever considered moving back (some of the way at least) to be closer to them? Is there really no hope of his relationship with his ex improving? Those would be things a loving dad would want to do if he could, aren't they?

My exH was abusive and left me with a 5 and 4 year old and got together with another woman. He proceeded to have 2 children with her. She already had 3. My children still feel pushed out 6 years later and my eldest is counting down the days until age no longer has to see him. He's a shit dad. Told me they were my responsibility now as he walked out the door. He does no parenting whatsoever. I hate everything about him. If they don't get on, there's a reason. My exH thinks he's a great dad, his family and gf think he's a great dad. But I can assure you our daughters think very differently.
I'd cut and run. He has a temper? I'd be wondering if there was DV. He's not a nice person, and is a shit dad. You deserve someone with some decent qualities and this man has little in the way of decency.

She didn't want him to have the extra day per fortnight that he now has with them (he didn't have this when we first met) and he had to go through mediation to get that - but in the cold light of day I know that I have no proper details about why she didn't want him to have that time

Probably because it's not actually good or developmentally ideal for two very tiny children to have to spend significant amounts of time away from their primary carer and having to live with this kind of rotation .

She probably does a lot of picking up the pieces there too - at 3 and 5 they might 'enjoy' seeing their dad but there will be a cost -they very very likely also find it unsettling and stressful, especially with the significant travelling involved. She, as the parent who is actually their proper, everyday parent, will see that - will see them having to cope with that low level stress (have a think: would YOU enjoy having to spend every other weekend visiting family and not in your own home?) - seems your DP in pushing for that extra time against her wishes demonstrated is yet another example of him putting his wants before his tiny childrens' need.

Sounds like she would have given her opinion on that as the resident parent and said she didn't think more time away was in their best interests and he pushed til she gave in. And you wonder why they're not on good terms!

One Q: why did he move so far? Because, if presumably he did have a job back where she lives, I cannot think of a single reason why that doesn't simply equate to him wanting to. Choosing to change jobs and up sticks, not even the 20-30 minute distance that could have given him a level of 'freedom' without impacting on those poor kids so negatively, but 2 1/2 hours.

Ah, just seen your update. Yes I agree, you have a lot to think about, but don't be hard on yourself for not having thought about it before - you haven't really had to. I have similarly taken a boyfriend's story about his ex and dc at face value at first - and really only started to look at it with a more sceptical eye after we split (which was for unrelated reasons)

@Bluestitch he moved here as it's near to where he works. They all used to live here (where we live) until baby number 2 came along, when they then moved up to near her parents and he commuted. He then moved back this way when they split up (I am aware this fact is not going to make him seem any less selfish)

@candycane222 yes that's a very good point. They definitely wouldn't benefit and that's something else I've worried about, mostly relating to the early days after a baby potentially came along (as they'd have less time with him) but obviously longer term too. I think you're spot on with "he may not really understand his own motivation". He says missing out on experiences with his kids is "crippling him", but as you have all said (and I already knew to be fair) that is of his own doing.

I don't know if he's considered moving back to be closer to them, that's one of the things I was thinking about talking to him about. I love living here but would consider it if he did want to.

As for the relationship with the ex, I keep hoping it will but so far it hasn't. It got a bit better for a while but then worsened again. She has blocked contact with him in every way other than email.

(@FizzyGreenWater Just to add the extra day he sees them he goes to them and then they all stay at his parents' that night - but I take your point)

Abused women usually block their ex. Please be very careful

A 3 and 5 YO who he has 'chosen' to move 2 and a half hours away from.

Uuuuggghhhhh

And in your situation if I wanted dc it wouldn't be with a bloke like this.

FizzyGreenWater is one of the best and wisest posters on this site, IMHO, OP. You can't do better than to think about what she's said.

You may - or of course may well not - start to find you do want kids after all this thinking. Which would be ironic, as it's starting to sound like he might not be such a great candidate for being the father ...

[not helpful, sorry, but I do feel for you]

My best friend was left with two dc who were barely toddlers....just as your Dp did. Infact if it was over 18 months ago the little one practically still a baby.

He went on to have another

Guess what he did it again.

So, let me get this straight...when you got together his 3 year old would have been 1.5yrs old and the 5yr old not much over toddler age? They are still very little and he buggered off to move such a distance away...I don't understand why. I can understand if he doesn't get on with the mother, but the bottom line is, you be there for your kids physically, emotionally and logistically.

Big red flag with regards to men who move away on purpose.

And now he wants to basically start afresh with a new baby again? This would be an elastoplast baby to satisfy his own guilt.

Honestly @Tafelberg I wouldn't do it. My ex-H and I have always lived quite near to each other for my DD's sake (she's a teen now and we split when she was 5). She stays with him one night a week and one night at the weekend. She now has 2 younger siblings as my ex-H remarried, but the arrangement has stayed the same and she is very much included. It does help that I get on fine with my ex and his wife, I also buy their children birthday and Christmas presents (I treat them as a niece and nephew). I think my DD would have been gutted if her dad had moved away and then started a family elsewhere. It happened to me as a child so this is why I was determined she wouldn't experience the same. It has affected me for all of my life. The whole situation just stinks to me as these existing children would probably be sidelined and it will be easy for him to do so with them living so far away. Don't be trapped or made to feel guilty. If your gut instinct is not to have a child (at the moment) then you have every right to say no and reevaluate your future.

mostly as he wants to have the "proper" dad/child relationship

Ouch. So he doesn't feel like the dad/child relationship he has with his existing (very young) children is "proper"? Why doesn't he work on that, rather than thinking "I'll just start again with another baby"?

It sounds like he has already written off his existing kids as substandard - his relationship with them will never be what he feels it ought to be (or what he is entitled to) because he split up with their mother, so hey ho, write them off and try to have a "proper" family.

I expect that "being a good father" is very much part of his self image, except being a parent actually involves quite a lot of work. Work which he seems unwilling to put in. So it's much easier for him to blame the situation and tell himself "I'd be a brilliant father if only it wasn't for the distance (which is my fault) /their mother being a bitch (the person who I chose to have two children with) /didn't have to pay so much maintenance (but I do have enough money for another baby".

'he has seemed to start wanting another baby more - mostly as he wants to have the "proper" dad/child relationship '

Aww is clearly hasn't worked out with his other little dc so he wants another one now so he can have another go at doing it 'properly'

How bloody awful

Dreadful for his two dc

Why on earth can't he be a 'proper dad' to them??

I'd be very interested to hear her version.

Feel sorry for her.

Devoted dads don't move 2.5 hours away from toddlers. When I met DH he was living in a grotty bedsit round the corner from DSD's home to see as much of her as possible. Later we moved for work but only 45 minutes away. We had her every weekend from Friday night because her DM worked weekends.

I know what devoted dads look like. Your DP doesn't qualify.

Btw, if you do decide on a baby insist that he marries you first. Women are generally in a much stronger position if they're married. However if you insist on marriage prior to a baby you may find he loses interest in the whole project.

What everyone else has said.

And also this - can you say more about what he considers to be a proper dad ? What are his plans if you and he have a baby? How much time will he take off on paternity leave, for example ?

What about his hobbies and leisure activities - how will be fit these around caring for the baby?

Is he going back too work full time or PT and what are his plans for chid care ? I see he doesn’t live near his family.

How do you feel about financially supporting him when he goes part time or stops work ?

Does he have enough savings so that he can still pay child support to his other children when his earnings are reduced?

Is he planning to reduce the money he pays for his first two children once the third is born?

Also why do you find it exhausting when his children cone to visit ? Surely a proper dad would do everything for his kids when he only sees them very rarely ?

Do you actually want children op? Or do you want to want them because your partner does? Childfree by choice here and a similar age to you. I went through a time thinking I should have them because that's what people do. But I just couldn't make myself want them. And I'm happy with that.

I wonder why he wanted an extra day - did that decrease the maintenance payments?

OP just to try and give you some balance. If he's ex was being difficult about seeing them and he barely spent any time with them - why wouldn't he move to be closer to work? Imagine that long commute every day without the advantage of seeing your children regularly.

Maybe he's children enjoy seeing him, and the visits are not causing low levels of stress, may be he had to fight to get the extra day as he was desperate to spend more time with his children and they with him.

Maybe him overpaying was causing him serious financial difficulty and that's why he needed to reduce child support payments.

Or, he may have moved to duck out of daily parenting, could afford to pay more but chooses not too, and may be he fought to see he's children more to get back at his ex.

Only you know him, there are 2 sides to every story, many people behave poorly during break ups (especially when it involves children) it doesn't mean they are awful people.

*I am SP, work full time with a long daily commutewith a poor relationship with DD dad, never received maintainence. However I have supported a relation through an acrimonious divorce (for years she said he was abusive and EA to the kids) cutting a very long story short, his kids live with him FT as she was found to be abusive. But everyone sided with her as saw her as a vulnerable SP moving on from an abusive ex, saw him as a shit dad as he moved away(due to her constant allegations) - sometimes things are more complex than meets the eye.

@IM0GEN I don't know the answers to all of these questions and I know I should. He earns a good wage but I know that doesn't mean he always will. I think his child maintenance costs would go down if he had another child. We haven't talked about all the practicalities yet - but I definitely would be making sure we did before any decisions on having a child were made. I don't earn anywhere near as much as him and although the maternity leave conditions where I work are good, my family don't live near us either so we'd have to have childcare of some sort once I went back to work. As for why I find it exhausting when his kids visit, he does do everything for them (I'm not just saying that) but I join in because I am his partner and I love them - it is just obviously tiring as they're on the go constantly and the youngest often still wakes up in the night.

Thanks for the different perspective @Dillydallyingthrough, it's interesting to read. As far as I know he asked for the extra day with the kids because he wanted to see them more, not because he wanted to pay less, but this whole thread is making me question everything about him so who knows :(

@OliviaBenson - I don't know, is the answer to that. I'm still more on the "no" side but the problem is it's not "no, not now and not ever". Although it may sound like it, it's not that I'm thinking I might want to have one "for him". I may be naïve in lots of ways but even I know that'd be a terrible reason for having a child. It's more that I have (or thought I had) found someone I believed is/would be a good dad, who I am in a stable and loving relationship with, who I want a future with, I'm 37 so don't have boundless amounts of time to play with fertility-wise, and worry about regretting not having one. I know none of this equates to "I know I want one" - but I also know many women who have said to me that they didn't know 100% and they went on to have one and absolutely love it.