OH wants a baby but I’m not sure...is there a future for us?

[Tafelberg]

Hi all,

Brand new member here, I wasn’t sure where was best to post this so hope this is ok here.

Will try to keep this brief...I am 37, been with my OH (39) for a year and half and we live together. He has two kids, 3 and 5 who stay with us every other weekend and he sees them separately in the week sometimes too. I get on great with the kids although admit I find it tiring having them around and am relieved when they go home. When we first got together, we discussed kids - I told him I'd never been sure I wanted any (erring more on not) and he told me he would quite like more but was very happy with his two so basically happy either way.

Anyway..as time's gone on, he has seemed to start wanting another baby more - mostly as he wants to have the "proper" dad/child relationship - and I am stuck at still being very undecided. Recently I thought I might want to have one, mostly due to my best friend who’d also never wanted kids in the past changing her minds and getting pregnant and my youngest sibling and his partner also about to have their first, but I've since swung back the other way and am back to being more on the "I don't know" side. I've said to him that perhaps we should just do it, because I may never be sure and I might regret not having one in the future, but he has rightly said he wouldn't want to try for one with me if I'm not sure because it wouldn't be fair on the baby and could cause resentment down the line.

We've talked about it a lot recently and actually had a bit of a meltdown a few weeks ago where it looked like we might have to break up over it. We've cleared the air and moved past it for the time being but I'm wondering if I'm just putting off the inevitable :( We love each other very much and I would give anything to be able to tell him I do want one but it would be a lie. At the same time, I can't say that I definitely don't want one, ever.

I do know that if I got pregnant by accident tomorrow (I am on the pill) I would keep the baby and I know I would be ok - he is an excellent father, has been through everything already twice and would be a huge support to me and the baby. I also think that once my friend's/brother’s babies are born that might make me start wanting one but obviously I can't guarantee it. I don't know what to do. I can't bear losing him over this but am I being selfish trying to ignore it and keep him to myself when he could be out finding someone who definitely does want a baby with him?

Sorry I didn't manage to keep it brief! Any help/opinions welcome :(

I would def talk to the ex

There's an update ^

So glad to read your update, OP. Everything about this relationship was screaming ‘do not have kids with this man!’. I’m relieved you have taken back control of the situation. Stay strong!

ScreamingLadySutch suggest you read the full thread. Your comments don’t make any sense given the OP’s updates.
And well done OP, and good luck for the future!

OP I did read a lot of warning signs in your original post. I am not surprised his anger eventually came out. The pressuring you to have children when he in his own admission admitted he is not a "proper dad" to his two children already is awful.

You have definitely made the right choice ending it. Good luck in your future!

I am so sorry this happened to you but so glad you are safely out and have seen his true nature before having children. Best wishes with everything.

Thanks all.

@MeanMrMustardSeed thank you, I do try to be - although I took an online Relate quiz about arguing styles around the time I posted this thread and was surprised to learn that the rational, calm way I've always prided myself on approaching arguments with can actually be very unhelpful to someone with a different style, as it can come across as cold, unfeeling and emotionally detached. Was definitely some food for thought for me

@PicsInRed thank you. I remember your advice when I originally posted, it was appreciated.

@HollowTalk you're right. I think he owns it in name only. And I'm sure you're right about the contact with his ex too. I would have loved to be able to get her side of the story but guess it's all a bit moot now.

@ukgift2016 yes - I could give several other examples of times I've seen his general anger show, at other people and situations, and felt deeply uncomfortable. It's hard because I know some people just have bad/short tempers and I've battled with whether I should have just tried to stand up to it more and fought back, but I'm not that person and I've tried to make my peace with the fact it's not the kind of relationship I want. I'm in absolutely no rush to meet someone else but I am trying to believe that if I ever am, it's possible to have a relationship without this kind of stuff going on.

@PicsInRedthank you. I remember your advice when I originally posted, it was appreciated.

You are very, very welcome. I'm so glad you're safe.

Glad you saw his true colours and declined to be trapped by him, OP. You truly dodged a bullet there!

No one should have a baby unless they really really want one.

Your full thread you came across really well, considered and thoughtful. His behaviour really did escalate! Well done on making the break. You will be absolutely fine

Have you told the landlord (or letting agent if it’s relevant) that you’ve moved out? How long did you sign the lease for and is there a break clause? I’m not a lawyer but I’ve rented places many times.

Well done for ending the relationship. You deserve so much better than that

@Smokesandeats thank you. No, I haven't told them yet. The contract/inventory etc has been done with a letting agent but we've had contact with the landlord as well more informally. We signed the lease for 12 months and there's a 10 month break clause. A friend of mine who works in housing law has said that it's a joint tenancy so we're both liable for the contract, but that if I left and gave notice then that would sever the joint contract - my ex could then enter into a new solo contract in his name. She did say that he could pursue me through county court for the money though. I'd hope that would be unlikely but who knows. I'm really not sure and am just praying I'll be able to talk to him reasonably and avoid it coming to that.

I took an online Relate quiz about arguing styles around the time I posted this thread and was surprised to learn that the rational, calm way I've always prided myself on approaching arguments with can actually be very unhelpful to someone with a different style, as it can come across as cold, unfeeling and emotionally detached. Was definitely some food for thought for me

You’ve dodged a bullet, as someone else has already said. Well done for your whole approach.... and I wouldn’t take that Relate opinion on board too much if your arguing style is usually effective - if you’re trying to discuss something with an abusive person, NO arguing style works, as all they want is to win!

@Tafelberg, it’s worth speaking to the landlord or agent to let them know you’ve moved out. Even if you have to pay half the rent for a few months, it’s worth it to be rid of the scumbag!

I agree with @ItsInTheSpoon (Brief Encounter fan?) who says to pay no attention to the relate quiz. My argument style is also calm and considered which really annoys people who are explosive types. It isn’t a failing to not want to yell back during a discussion. You definitely can’t win if somebody is an abusive person because they will twist everything and use it against you.

Consider doing the Freedom programme and reading ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft to understand the abusive personality types and who to avoid in future.

@Smokesandeats you’re right about Brief Encounter

@Tafelberg I second the “Why Does he do That?” recommendation by Smokesandeats. I also found looking at personality types useful (www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test) as it made me feel less alone in feeling things as I do

I can't believe he moved 2.5 hours from his work when he was with his ex. Is that round trip ? Just because seriously 2.5 hours each way would kill any relationship and his soul . That's a mammoth commute. That's never being there before bed or for dinner, bath or bed time anyway. So personally I can understand the moving thing, he wouldn't be there anyway, why put yourself through the cost and time.

On the other things I don't know, no relationship is going to be perfect it's what your level of acceptability is. I would agree that a baby adds pressure, but many relationships fail who've known each other longer and without any previous anger red flags.