Arsehole or narcissist?

[Lockcodger]

I've read so many threads on here tonight that I thought I would post up some if the things I've learned recently about narcissism, as so many people seem to be going through this at the moment.

I've recently just escaped from my 3rd relationship with a narc and I'm still processing alot of it but much of what I say below is available on YouTube.

In the beginning

1. He showered you with excessive gifts, compliments, favours etc that sometimes made you feel uncomfortable? Particularly if he said he had never met anyone like you before, you are his soulmate.

1. The relationship progressed very quickly and he said I love you very early on, talked about marriage, children, moving in together way too early.

1. Your gut told you something wasnt right but you ignored it at the time

1. It feels too good to be true, you were swept off your feet etc

1. Played the victim, had many "crazy exes" who cheated on him treated him terribly and his family and life in general was out to get him but he cannot see the role he played in the demise of his life.

1. Unable to keep down a job, lives an unstable lifestyle (homeless, jobless, living with parents or a string of short term partners)

1. You were vulnerable at the time e.g. very young, just left another abusive relationship or breakup, you have had a difficult childhood, lost a job etc.

This is the idealisation phase of the abuse cycle (idealise, devalue discard). The next phase is devalue and then discard.

1. Devalue: Constant little digs sometimes disguised as jokes, putdowns, sarcasm, criticism or outright calling you names

1. Projection: Accusing you of things you haven't done (cheating, lying etc.) They are projecting the things that THEY have done to you, onto you. Jealousy is a huge red flag!

1. Lying and gas lighting. If you catch them out in a lie, they will give you 100 bulshit reasons why it wasnt a lie and then turn it back around on you and say you are abusive and controlling for daring to ask them to explain themselves and why they lied. This is gas lighting, making you doubt your own reality and feel crazy (which they know they are making you crazy so call you crazy to gaslight more).

1. Triangulation. This may start with comparing you to other women or exes by pointing out your flaws, slagging off all of their exes to you so you never find out what really happened between them (most likely he was abusive). This then leads to cheating, which has 3 goals. One to punish you for whatever perceived terrible thing the narc thinks you've done, to make you feel like shit and want to compete with the other woman and also for additional narcissistic supply.

1. Entitlement and irresponsibility. Lazy, selfish, nothing is ever good enough, parasitoc lifestyle rely on you financially or ask to borrow money and don't pay you back or you have to ask them to pay, live with you but doesnt pull their weight with housework, bills and childcare. Comes across as helpless, is bad with money, has been homeless or lived with a string of short term relationships, has drug or alcohol dependency, doesnt see his children or pay child support, can't hold down a job.

1. Fragile ego when they feel they are criticised they hugely overreact like a toddler stomping their feet. Immaturity, tantrum throwing, silent treatment, stonewalling (ignore you for hours/days), threatens to leave, threatens to expose something private about you (secrets/pictures), throwing things, punching walls, physical or sexual violence.

1. Lack of empathy. You feel like they don't care about your feelings because they don't!

1. Cheating. Nearly all narcissists cheat. They like to line up new narcissistic supply for your discard phase (this is why they appear to move on so quickly when a relationship ends but really they were lined up all along)

1. Recruit flying monkeys. Spread rumours and lies about you to tarnish your name while they play victim. You may see your own friends turning against you if they believe the narcs version of events.

10. They have a history of domestic violence, say their ex was violent to them, say their ex made false allegations of abuse against them to turn their children against them. 99% of the time, believe the woman, not the narc.

11. Hoovering. After discard they will get back in contact to test the waters, promising they have changed, quit drinking/drugs, they NEED you, life is so horrible etc.

If you take them back after the Hoover stage, you re-enter the idealise, devalue discard abuse cycles only the cycles will get shorter each time you go back.

The best thing to do if you identify a narc in your life is to run, go no contact and block them from everything. If you have children with the narc, you could try low contact method.

Theres so much more but this post is becoming really long. I hope it helps some people reading this

Thanks everyone. No, not told anyone. I don't want the fuss or drama. I'm fortunate enough that I'm independent, despite years of him working on me to be reliant on him.

I am thinking of you all who are going through this and I really hope you all find your peace xx

That's horrific WhatWouldLifeBe, what a disgusting violation xx

Kitty, you are not creating a fuss or drama. You never know what these men are truly capable of until you leave. I don't want to scare you but the statistics speak for themselves. One woman a WEEK is killed by a partner or ex partner and I bet some of them didn't realise the danger they were in until it's too late.

Please do not underestimate what he is capable, you don't really know him, you only know the facade he has presented to you. The police, womens aid and your family would rather you protect yourself at this particularly vulnerable time rather than taking your chances.

Please keep us updated if you can xx

Kitty, Lockcodger is right and the Armed Response Unit isn't going to storm your house. The police will listen to you and help you to keep yourself safe. You really won't get the drama or fuss you dread. Please just let them know. It's important to keep those who can help you informed. It took me a long time for it to sink in that my ex really is dangerous and unpredictable. You really don't know what depths they will sink to.

Still reading through and nodding my head to some other points.
Has anyone had an ex like this that seemed to flourish after your relationship ended though..?
Mine is now with a younger partner, enjoying a better job with more money, training for something even better, spends quality time with dd and takes her on holidays and trips, even mentions these days that he has seen other men deal with terrible behaviour from their child's mother and feels truly thankful that I'm not like that.
I haven't recovered from the cruel behaviour he displayed during and after our split, and feel very disillusioned now about relationships and people in general. I deal with low level anxiety daily, whereas he seems to have gone from strength to strength.

WhatWouldLifeBe and Kitty, I somehow didn't see you post. to you both and please take care of yourselves

I wonder if my ex's former wife would have thought the same as you do, Tenpenny or if she was thinking that she knows well what he is like and far better rid.

Abusers lie through their teeth and live in a fantasy world.

If your ex has narc traits, he will be delighted by his new supply and the sun will appear to shine. I'm sure you know better, Tenpenny! You have spent time with this man and you know what he will do next. Abusers are very predictable and you are better than that. Have you been in touch with Women's Aid?

I think we tend to think of the things that haven't happened rather than what has been going on under our noses. We think, oh well he wasn't holding me at knife point, he wasn't doing x or y. When we start to recognise what the abuser was actually doing and start to recognise the cycle, the fear, obligation and guilt starts to lift. It's baby steps.

Your ex isn't going from strength to strength. He's most likely repeating the cycle. The poor woman he's with now. She's just the next victim.

I know one thing for sure What, his girlfriend is over a decade younger than him and has no career aspirations, particular talents or goals at this point in her life. She goes with the flow, probably his flow. I was the same really.

This may answer some of your questions Ten

We should feel sorry for the new partners, they are victims too. If you believe he is more happy, successful etc. now hes moved on then you're still buying into the facade he presents to the world. It's all smoke and mirrors and his new partner is probably going through the same hell that you did If she's alot younger than him, she may be very naive (as we all once were when in a relationship with this shitbags). Even if she stays with him, it doesnt mean it's all hearts and flowers.

We should all feel proud that we eventually recognised the abuse, got out and stayed out. Its not easy but it sure as hell is worth it in the end!!

I find that particular youtuber very accurate, very straightforward in explaining toxic behaviour.
She doesn't demonise, isn't full of hatred; just lays it on the line.
I'm still having 'lightbulb" moments years later.

even mentions these days that he has seen other men deal with terrible behaviour from their child's mother and feels truly thankful that I'm not like that

He's still headworking you. Grey rock him, stop listening to/believing his bullshit. He's an empty box. Put him on a dusty shelf.

Thanks Lock, that was a good listen. While he presents a successful image, he hasnt really any depth to him as a person. Everything he has is surface, there's an emptiness inside. While I don't have any qualms about his style of parenting, I don't feel he would be able to meet her emotional needs too well. Part time parenting seems more suitable

Pics he said this during a text discussion about his shifts at work and even though its a good thing to say, coming from him it doesnt feel...solid? Nothing he ever said did. There's no substance, or authenticity from him. This is very hard to explain, because its such a subtle feeling

Great thread Lock. This information is so important, they should teach it in schools. I've just seen an ad about abuse and controlling behaviour on the telly, I think it's a Scottish Government one and I'm really pleased they're publicising it.

I don't want to labour my point here but when I'm talking to ex face to face (rarely), he cannot hold eye contact, never could. He moves from one foot to the other, rubs his face, looks from one direction the the next. He waffles and explains things vaguely and badly. I come away from him feeling confused and inadequate (repeated requests for clarification are met with, "its not rocket science, you cant be that stupid")
Wondering if anyone else has known anyone like this.

Tenpenny, he's subtly manipulating you into "behaving" so that you aren't like those other ex's.

I'm willing to bet that every conversation this guy has with you has an agenda and that he's still, very intentionally, right inside your head.

Why are you even discussing his shifts? Keep it very brief, factual, child access/welfare related. Nothing else. Ignore anything and everything else.

Old, I really like her videos and she has quite a few on how to heal after narcissistic abuse which have resonated alot with me.

Ten try looking into "word salad" which is often used by narcs to cause confusion and avoid ever really answering a question. I would also advise looking into the "grey rock" or "low contact" method for dealing with him in the future. I agree with pics, don't let him inside your head and keep things almost transactional and business like when discussing your child.

Marvellous, I think it should be taught in schools too. I wish there was a narc register where we could check someone out based on previous reviews from exes 😂

I seriously wish I did Claire's law on my previous 2 exes but then they admitted some of their criminal past to me and I bought into their justifications at the time.

My biggest advice for anyone who is still healing from an abusive relationship would be to AVOID relationships until you are fully healed. Narcs can sniff out vulnerability and I have learned this the hard way

Ive been a Grey Rock for the past few years, except for when I've absolutely had to fight ridiculous demands like him having dd all weekend every weekend. Its been very, very draining for a long time. Just very recently, we had to discuss a school matter and he was so normal i fell into a bit of a casual conversation with him. It was then that he told me future work plans and that hed already asked about time off for our dd for a holiday next year (i asked why on earth her head teacher got to know about that before me??), that's when I realise, again, he isn't a normal rational human being. Pics, he is absolutely, still inside my head. I stay put, and think of what he might surprise me with next rather than my own plans (which i don't have the confidence for anyway). I mostly stay at home doing the mundane day to day for dd. No holidays, no job goals.
I am as low contact as i can manage, only ever discussion dd with him, never my business. He has made many cruel jibes and assumptions though.
Just realised as well - he never, ever asked how my day was. Ever. Wasnt interested in me at all.
Sorry for going on and on! Ive had counselling as well, would you believe.

Yes, I think he's head working you Tenpenny. I think you haven't quite let go yet. Abusers do not make sense. Please try the grey rock method if you can't go no contact altogether. Also remember that the only words that come out of his mouth are rubbish. He is not worth interacting with.

If you still have to have contact, keep a diary and a notebook. I told my ex that I was taking notes and that he was welcome to do the same.

Yes, narcs are like heat-seeking missiles for vulnerability. If you want some help doing a Clare's Law, WA or Victim Support may help.

I have had some trauma counselling. What an eye opener! I am leaving it a while and have been advised to look into EMDR therapy.

You'll get there, Tenpenny, you'll have a moment one day where he'll send you some nonsense and you'll just ... ... and find all your fucks to give fall away.

You just wont give a fuck anymore and he'll be reduced to the nothing non-entity he is.
It'll happen. Just hold your position and wait. Keep up the counselling.

Youre right, What. I havent let go, and that seems blatantly obvious now I'm going back to basics completely. Id been wondering why I felt so detached and sad lately.

Bloody hell. I feel sick. LockCodger both of my ex husband's, and a brief relationship after my second marriage. They were all like this in varying degrees.

My second ex husband even applied for, and took residence of my youngest and severely restricts contact between us 'because DC is too much like me'.

Financially they all fucked me over, and mentally nearly destroyed me.

I thought I'd worked through it all (now remarried to a normal human being) but I realise sometimes that my past interferes with my present. Usually confidence, etc. Thank fully my husband stands by my side.

To give an example. I own the house we live in. Just had to have the bathroom done, and I was getting worried about money because it was costing more than I thought. My husband says 'I'll just get a bit more out of my savings'. It didn't occur to me to ask because before I'd have to pay for everything (and then some).

Oh dear. A few similarities here,not all though. Met my partner when I was grieving for a parent so vulnerable. I'm trying to leave but it's hard.

Hi all, Great info

I'm actually still dealing with my Narcissistic ex!

Nearly 4 weeks on Wednesday that he left .. Honestly I couldn't be happier!
He is trying EVERYTHING!
He is nice when asking, how are the kids, how are you? But the moment he says can I come see the kids and I say no cause we're doing whatever, Jesus....the Narc comes out!
" you think I'm just going to be a lap dog? ya know I'm hurting and trying (Bare in mind I've made things TOTALLY clear to him, I don't and won't put up with his behaviour towards me, no matter what! and that I'm so much happier with out him and I don't want him back)
He constantly plays victim?
He is staying with his best mate, they had a daft argument, so he rings me and says " X said can't stay here as not getting on? So I will have to sleep in the garage!
Me; Eh? No don't think so, ya not pulling that one ☝️ ya will have to find some where else!
Him; Oh do ya know what, I knew ya didn't care, your out of order!
Me; Fuck off! Blocked!

To be honest it was my DC who have gave me the strength to stand up to him, as they clearly said to me "mum don't have him back, we're so much happier with out him, he is constantly grumpy, snappy and lazy"

My DC are my rocks and I wouldn't be we're I am without them
Sometimes it just takes that little 'sentence' and you feel like 'GOD'