If we’re not married by the time we’re 50

[ZolloLou]

NC for this as I’m scared of the responses

So me and a male friend made that silly agreement 15 years ago, as you do! Only now we are 50!

As a friend, I adore him. We’ve slept together a few times when we have both been single but both have had other relationships. I have been married, now divorced, he never married. I don’t know why he and I never tried to make a go of it in the past, maybe we just friend zoned each other early on.

Anyway, long story short he thinks we should get married. I suggested dating but he wants all or nothing. He’s adamant on that, he hasn’t experienced marriage and really wants to. We both rent our homes, similar income, similar pensions so neither of us would lose out financially in a divorce.

Reasons why I think it’s a stupid idea, well it just seems plain crazy! Who gets married without even properly dating? If we were meant to marry it would have happened already.

Reasons why I’m considering it, maybe it would work? I married my ExH for love and it all turned to shit. At least with this guy we have a solid friendship and we’re compatible sexually. Two big factors imo. And what do I really have to lose?

But then I go back to thinking it’s ridiculously crazy again. So I am turning to the wise women of MN, to help me sort my head out!

oh just go for it! Life is short and if the sex is good and you get on, well to be perfectly honest there are worse things in life you could do.

He wants to, you seem to want to. You've known each other a long time and no surprises sexually. I mean, people have done much crazier things than this.

Three qualities I looked for in DH
A) kindness
B) friendship
C) sexually exciting

What is important to you?

I wouldn't rush into marriage without dating. You can date for 6 months and then review. If he can't wait, it would be a big fat no from me.

(But that said, we did marry within a year from our first date. It just felt right)

You'd lose the chance to meet someone you might fall in love with enough to marry?

Thank you so much. I thought I would be ripped apart for even considering it! Well we definitely have B and C and he’s always been kind to me.

I have said to him that if we are going to seriously consider this we need to have a good proper talk about how it would all work. Things like finances, household chores, our expectations from the relationship etc. We would have to be completely on the same page in all those areas.

But what if in six months you meet someone you’re crazy in love with??

The all or nothing sounds like forcing your hand.

Surely dating and see how you get on in an actual relationship makes more sense.

You don't know how compatible you'd be living together.

I think it's a crazy idea to not explore a proper relationship before marriage....so much can go wrong and both being older, you're naturally more set in your ways and less likely to want to change.

I would do it - friendship goes a hell of a long way and you know he's good in bed

Life would be cheaper, too, wouldn't it, if you only paid one rent?

@IvanaPee but what if she doesn’t?!

There's not much in life that is unchangeable- having a child may be the exception. Do it, the worst that happens is that it doesnt work out (and it sounds like financially you'd both be fine). The best that happens is you have a happy life with your best friend!

Good luck ❤

Well, yeah but they’re not even dating!

I’m just saying the old adage “if you want to get to know me, come and live with me” is a good one. You only know him as a friend you’ve shagged a few times!

You don’t know what he’s like as a partner. So marriage is a pretty huge step!

And it’s kind of weird that he’s insisting on marriage or nothing!

What are his best and worst qualities, OP? Would he get on your nerves?

How long a period have you spent together?

He is U to want “all or nothing”. Divorce is too costly - in lots of ways - and too likely to risk it.

If he was into you he’d want to date you.

Some men change with big life events which tie you more firmly to them, such as engagement, moving in together, marriage, pregnancy, children.

Concerningly, this guy seems to feel ownership over you before you are even engaged...by trying to pressure you into engagement and marriage.

To be honest, it's not a great sign that he is being so "adamant" that you legally bond yourself to him when you haven't even dated before.

I would also take with a punch of salt any fiancial claims he makes. Ultimately, you know only your own financial position.

Ask yourself why he is so keen to bind legally to you before even living together? You should date/live together for a number of years before even considering marriage. There's something off about this that I can't quite put my finger on.

Nurse with a purse perhaps?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Tbh I don’t think I would meet anyone else because I’m really not looking and would find it so hard to trust someone that I didn’t know. I’d resigned myself to being alone for the rest of my life and I was actually ok with that. I’d very much got used to the idea. This whole thing has kind of thrown me into a spin! I am happy as I am but then I think of how it could be if it did work out and it could be good.

*financial claims

I think maybe you should try living together - give it a year and see how it goes. But don't give up your flat. If he thinks it's such a great idea, he can do that.

Zollolou, alchemy could be good, but things that "could be good" don't always come good.

In relationships, there are worse things than living alone. Such as jumping in too fast ... then finding out that there's something hinky about adamant-guy and now he refuses to move out and wants 1/2 your life savings (and to give you 1/2 his debt).

I love this! Do it!!!

Ugh guys you are not helping by being so divided
Tbh your responses are only reflecting the thoughts that are going back and forward in my head!
Ok his best and worst points. His best is that he is always on my side, no matter what. That has been the case in all the time I have known him. Any problem or worry I have he is there for me.
His worst, hmm, maybe that I am concerned that he’s never made it to marriage with anyone else. I ask myself why. So not something I have seen or know exactly what it is, but that’s my concern.

With regards to the marriage thing. He says he’s done with “dating around’ he wants to make a proper committment and just “go for it” (his words).

So book the wedding for a year's time and date in the meantime.

His worst, hmm, maybe that I am concerned that he’s never made it to marriage with anyone else. I ask myself why. So not something I have seen or know exactly what it is, but that’s my concern.

Maybe you'd see what it is if you lived with him.