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Original poster

If we’re not married by the time we’re 50

138 replies

ZolloLou · 03/04/2019 19:40

NC for this as I’m scared of the responses Blush

So me and a male friend made that silly agreement 15 years ago, as you do! Only now we are 50!

As a friend, I adore him. We’ve slept together a few times when we have both been single but both have had other relationships. I have been married, now divorced, he never married. I don’t know why he and I never tried to make a go of it in the past, maybe we just friend zoned each other early on.

Anyway, long story short he thinks we should get married. I suggested dating but he wants all or nothing. He’s adamant on that, he hasn’t experienced marriage and really wants to. We both rent our homes, similar income, similar pensions so neither of us would lose out financially in a divorce.

Reasons why I think it’s a stupid idea, well it just seems plain crazy! Who gets married without even properly dating? If we were meant to marry it would have happened already.

Reasons why I’m considering it, maybe it would work? I married my ExH for love and it all turned to shit. At least with this guy we have a solid friendship and we’re compatible sexually. Two big factors imo. And what do I really have to lose?

But then I go back to thinking it’s ridiculously crazy again. So I am turning to the wise women of MN, to help me sort my head out!

OP posts:
blueskiespls · 03/04/2019 21:08

Do you think you love him, or would grow to?

Butteredghost · 03/04/2019 21:23

It's a bit unusual, but I say go for it. Being married to someone you fancy, are great friends with and cares for you sounds great, what else is there really? Nothing wrong with a medium length engagement though (say 1 year).

As pp said you can always get divorced.

MaderiaCycle · 03/04/2019 21:30

Go on! What’s the worst that can happen?

MoreProseccoNow · 03/04/2019 21:32

Has he had a live-in relationship before?

I'd be concerned if not, by age 50. Maybe he's not been willing to comprise, share etc?

idwc · 03/04/2019 22:55

If you've been friends for a long time, had sex and know you're compatible then do you need to date or do you think actually you have been on dates in the past but not called it that?

Order654 · 04/04/2019 00:50

Do it, you only live once

0DimSumMum0 · 04/04/2019 00:55

I also agree in what's the point of dating. I doubt you could really know each other any better than you do. Maybe that's why it had never really worked out with other people because you were always meant to be together 😁

RiversDisguise · 04/04/2019 01:52

Ridiculous. If anyone said that to me it would be, 'Er, nothing then, mate.' He should be grateful for whatever degree of intimacy or whatever you want to give him tbh.

Often the best part of a relationship is the meetings, outings, sex, excitement, dinners etc at the start. Why would you forgo all that fun?

Butterflycookie · 04/04/2019 01:58

Id marry him!!
So many arranged marriages work out and people learn to love each other so why not!

edgeofheaven · 04/04/2019 03:04

Are there any children involved?

Mediumred · 04/04/2019 03:21

Yay! This is like a crazy romcom, I’m seeing you as Catherine zeta-jones and David Tennant!

Finalyfine · 04/04/2019 06:58

Why would you need to date? Just have a long engagement while you assess how you are as a couple. All marriages come with a risk, no matter how long you known each other. People change. Just check each others credit scores and payslips, before the marriage and if both of you like or could live with it then great. This would also help with setting a budget for the wedding.

Who's house will you move into? Make sure you let the agency or person you let from know and add the other person as a joint tenant.

Ragwort · 04/04/2019 07:07

Why do you want to be married. Hmm. Are you happy on your own? Do you like your own company?
Personally I think being happy and comfortable on your own is great, I can’t see any benefit to being married after going through a divorce and enjoying living happily on your own? Only you know what ‘being married’ will bring to your life. Do you want to be shackled to a man for the rest of your life, can you be 100% sure he’s not just looking for a housekeeper and bed mate?
The fact that he is so adamant about getting married sounds odd & controlling.

AnotherNCforthisone · 04/04/2019 07:13

I had a similar agreement with a close friend that, if we weren't parents by 35, we'd have a baby together. In the end, I changed my mind and had a baby by other means about six months before that deadline. I'm glad I did. We're still the best of friends but he has so much to sort out (his sexuality, oodles of therapy over his childhood). It would have been a disaster.

As others have said, it's only the "all or nothing" that bothers me in your case.

Helmetbymidnight · 04/04/2019 07:18

Making a commitment to a relationship would be fine, but “all or nothing” and “he wants to experience marriage” - no

agree.

i think he sounds weird. sorry.

just because someone asks you to marry you, you dont have to accept. you have a voice too- use it.

Helmetbymidnight · 04/04/2019 07:18

Making a commitment to a relationship would be fine, but “all or nothing” and “he wants to experience marriage” - no

agree.

i think he sounds weird. sorry.

just because someone asks you to marry you, you dont have to accept. you have a voice too- use it.

Nowordsleft · 04/04/2019 07:27

Anyone saying, you can just divorce has not been through a divorce.

Awrite · 04/04/2019 07:30

He sounds controlling. If you capitulate to this demand, what next?

Sounds like he has his good points if you are not actually in a relationship with him. Keep it that way.

You are having your head turned by the supposed compliment of a marriage proposal. Cold light of day thinking is required.

GottaGetUp · 04/04/2019 07:33

OP, you sound perfectly happy as you are and only considering this because of the previous ‘agreement’ and pressure from him now. What is really in it for you? I strongly suspect he is looking to his future and fancies having a wife to look after him. ‘Experience marriage’ ffs. It’s not even about you.

blueskiesovertheforest · 04/04/2019 07:36

Apologies if I've missed this information, I have read through... But do you have children?

Presumably not as you're not discussing step dad role and the impact on children. Obviously though if you have children living with you do not do this!

If you don't, meh... I wouldn't, but if things really genuinely are financially equal and you want to be married perhaps it's not utterly ridiculous...

Do you want to be married? Do you hate being single?

Don't do it if you're ambivalent because he wants to try being married, that be crazy. If you both really, fundamentally hate living alone and want a partner for the rest of your life and are both realistic it could be a pragmatic move.

Do you hate being single and living alone?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/04/2019 07:44

You’ve dated but not called it that and had sex, which you like and you fancy him. Go for it!

Loopytiles · 04/04/2019 07:47

Do you live near each other? Sounds like his financial position is better than yours. And you’d be moving into the property he owns? If you do this, have a back up plan for housing if, as is likely, you have to leave at short notice.

I think his “marriage or nothing” position is a red flag. If he was keen on you, and cared about what you wanted, he’d be asking to date you.

Posters saying “do it” and YOLO probably wouldn’t do it themselves.

gerispringer · 04/04/2019 07:47

How would you feel if he married someone else?

HeavensToTenby · 04/04/2019 07:51

it reads as if he sees a big difference between being in a relationship and being married. If he doesn't want to date for a bit first, then what exactly does he think will be different by 'getting married'? I mean, it's lovely knowing my DH and I have certain legal assurances should one of us be in an accident, but it's not something I've been breathlessly waiting my whole life to experience.

FermatsTheorem · 04/04/2019 07:56

Haven't read the whole thread yet, but it's almost as if you consider marriage in and of itself to be a desirable state - there's a vibe of "given that I ought to be married, clearly he's the best bet I've got" about your posts.

Why is that? Why isn't being single an option? (For context, I am a happily single fifty something woman, and even if I met the love of my life tomorrow, would not marry because of the financial claim he'd then get on my house and what I intend to be my son's inheritance).