If we’re not married by the time we’re 50

[ZolloLou]

NC for this as I’m scared of the responses

So me and a male friend made that silly agreement 15 years ago, as you do! Only now we are 50!

As a friend, I adore him. We’ve slept together a few times when we have both been single but both have had other relationships. I have been married, now divorced, he never married. I don’t know why he and I never tried to make a go of it in the past, maybe we just friend zoned each other early on.

Anyway, long story short he thinks we should get married. I suggested dating but he wants all or nothing. He’s adamant on that, he hasn’t experienced marriage and really wants to. We both rent our homes, similar income, similar pensions so neither of us would lose out financially in a divorce.

Reasons why I think it’s a stupid idea, well it just seems plain crazy! Who gets married without even properly dating? If we were meant to marry it would have happened already.

Reasons why I’m considering it, maybe it would work? I married my ExH for love and it all turned to shit. At least with this guy we have a solid friendship and we’re compatible sexually. Two big factors imo. And what do I really have to lose?

But then I go back to thinking it’s ridiculously crazy again. So I am turning to the wise women of MN, to help me sort my head out!

His idea of a wife, as you describe it, isn’t realistic. Shagging from time to time and being a close FWB is nothing like a LT relationship or marriage. You have no idea what he’s like in relationships.

People don’t just date because they want to get to know each other.

I think he’s “settling” and trying to present it as romantic.

I think it's a bit daft for him not to consider actually living together first. Give it a year of this then reassess. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I can see where he's coming from. He has thought of you in those terms all along why would he go backwards dating you when that's effectively how you've been for years?

I get the feeling he's felt strongly all along and feels now is your time

Only you can tell if that's reciprocated or your not on the same page

remainers, i imagine.

soory! reported!

Maybe he has a romcom idea of it. Woman tries with other people and falls back on friend she knew all along! I dont know maybe the whole thing is tapping into that part of me, although I hate romcoms!

We have done “date” stuff, it isn’t just sex at all. We’ve gone out for meals, cinema, drinks etc. We’ve had days out to places.

I can totally see why this whole thing seems weird. I’m also surprised how many people are in favour of it! I know 50 isn’t “old” but I feel old. For me on the pro side, being with him would be easy. He knows me so well and accepts who I am. I do think he would try to be a good husband. And having a bed mate wouldn’t be a downside! Maybe we would both be settling but I’m not sure that’s the worst thing in the world.

Oh and can I just point out, we weren’t actually drunk when we agreed to marry at 50! Not that it makes any difference but everyone keeps referring to it as “drunken” and it wasn’t!

What actually happened was I’d been dumped and was moaning about how I’ll never meet anyone (as people often do when they’ve just been dumped) and he said “don’t worry, if you’re not married by 50 I’ll marry you” and I laughed and said ok.

If he's "felt strongly all along", why the fuck hasn't he said so before? I don't believe that line at all: there's been nothing to stop you guys making a go of it at some point over the years. It's never happened. There's a reason for that and suddenly to go fuck it, let's get married at 50 - pffft.

Women generally have less to gain out of marriage than men and are more likely to be happy single. I'd be wary of giving up your freedom to wash his socks and nurse him through old age, personally.

Now DH and I had had a very happy relationship living about 60 miles apart and visiting as often as possible and holidaying equally happily together

Nearly ten years later, we moved in together and had a very bumpy year before we started to get the idea of sharing space. When we each visited the other, we just worked within the rules of the house.

I was taken by surprise by how difficult I found it to live in the home we bought together

I would encourage you to live together before deciding to get married.

Haven't read all the messages. Please please please date for a while first, at least six months. There has to be love for a marriage to work. You have to be sure and you're not.

Go for it, life is too short op.

Has he said that he loves you? Have you told him that you don’t currently love him?

His refusal to date you suggests a degree of rigidity that could prove hard to live with.

Why can’t you split your time between the two homes for now, looking to move in together permanently at some point in the future? Then plan the wedding.

Why does it have to be his way or no way?

Some people on this thread have difficulty with reading comprehension. He has agreed to live together for 6 months before marrying, just not 10 years.

My mum’s generation didn’t live together before marriage and I don’t think they were any worse off. I mean there are women on this board who live with men and have children with them and never marry, despite them wanting to, and then end up with nothing if it breaks down. I really think the OP and her friend have thought this through more than many of the women here who have a child and become a stay at home mum without marriage