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Original poster

If we’re not married by the time we’re 50

138 replies

ZolloLou · 03/04/2019 19:40

NC for this as I’m scared of the responses

So me and a male friend made that silly agreement 15 years ago, as you do! Only now we are 50!

As a friend, I adore him. We’ve slept together a few times when we have both been single but both have had other relationships. I have been married, now divorced, he never married. I don’t know why he and I never tried to make a go of it in the past, maybe we just friend zoned each other early on.

Anyway, long story short he thinks we should get married. I suggested dating but he wants all or nothing. He’s adamant on that, he hasn’t experienced marriage and really wants to. We both rent our homes, similar income, similar pensions so neither of us would lose out financially in a divorce.

Reasons why I think it’s a stupid idea, well it just seems plain crazy! Who gets married without even properly dating? If we were meant to marry it would have happened already.

Reasons why I’m considering it, maybe it would work? I married my ExH for love and it all turned to shit. At least with this guy we have a solid friendship and we’re compatible sexually. Two big factors imo. And what do I really have to lose?

But then I go back to thinking it’s ridiculously crazy again. So I am turning to the wise women of MN, to help me sort my head out!

OP posts:

RuffleCrow · 04/04/2019 10:14

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. A drunken agreement made when 35 is not legally binding in any way.

A friend would not be behaving the way he is. He sounds highly manipulative and like he's trying to guilt trip you into this. Red flags all over the place.

You need to get some distance between you and have a long think about what you want.

Original poster

ZolloLou · 04/04/2019 10:23

I do definitely want to discuss every aspect of things before anything. I would do the same even if we were just going to live together. I think it’s so important to be on the same page regarding finances, chores, how our day to day lives would be, etc.

I get what you’re saying re the “last stab at love” but I’m really not open to meeting anyone else. And, realistically, unless you are either actively looking or in scenarios where you meet men (which I’m not) most people don’t meet by bumping trolleys in the supermarket! (I do all my grocery shopping online anyway!). Certainly not at age 50. My work is heavily female orientated. The few men there are already married. I don’t get “chatted up” on nights out. My hobbies don’t bring me into contact with men.

I need to base my final decision on many things, but I don’t think missing out on someone “better” is even going to be a factor.

OP posts:

RuffleCrow · 04/04/2019 10:34

I think you need to examine his motivations carefully.

What exactly does he stand to gain from being married to you that he wouldn't get from being a lover or a friend? Is it about social status? Could he be unwell or afraid of becoming unwell? Do you earn more than he does or is he at risk of unemployment?

If you're not going to be moving in together, what practical difference will a marriage certificate make to your relationship?

You don't have to marry a man because you're unlikely to meet any other men.

Being happily single is much better than being in a half-arsed marriage. And much cheaper.

cathyandclare · 04/04/2019 10:37

Maybe he's not married before because he's been in love with you all these years?

RuffleCrow · 04/04/2019 10:41

Also, remember there's still no 'no fault' divorce in the uk. The only grounds for divorce is that the marriage has broken down irretrievably and you'd have to cite one of the 'five reasons': adultery, abandonment, unreasonable behaviour etc. Pretty confrontational. Is that something you feel your friendship could withstand?

Musti · 04/04/2019 10:42

If he wanted to be with you, he'd date you before proposing. People are can be very different as a friend to a lover. My ex is a lovely friend because he's not jealous and controlling of his friends. With his partner, it's a different story.

MollysLips · 04/04/2019 10:45

OP, hs he said why he'd like to marry you in particular? I get that he's tired of dating around, but I want to hear everything he adores and admires about you.

Who initiated the "if were not married by the time we're 50" idea all those years ago?

And how did it come up in conversation this time?

stacktherocks · 04/04/2019 10:50

OP... with the best will in the world, discussing issues is no replacement for actually living with someone for a prolonged period of time to see how they act and behave in reality, no in some idealised fantasy.

I just think it’s so naive to think that ‘well, what have I got to lose?’ is a suitable grounding for marriage. If in your heart of hearts you believe this was right, to marry (to a man who disregards your own needs and wishes) you wouldn’t think twice or ask here. You have doubts and you should listen to them. It’s okay to not want this. The fact he’s insisting on marriage and not dating for a while first like any normal person would do is screaming red flags to me. What’s he afraid of you realising about him? What’s his motive to want you locked down legally to him before you’ve gathered enough info to make an informed willing decision?

To a PP who said maybe he’s never married cos he’s always loved you: if he loved you he’d respect your very normal desire to date for a while instead of jump straight into a legally binding contract. If he loved you that dearly he’d be so made up to be able to be with you now he wouldn’t be so willing to say marriage or nothing.

He sounds creepy and even from the short amount you’ve written my alarm bells are ringing, I’m surprised so many people are overlooking his insistence and railroading of OP’s wishes and seeing this as romantic.

user1481840227 · 04/04/2019 10:53

You do have something to lose, a friendship.

It's a cute idea and could work out but you need to be prepared for the possibility of losing the friendship if it doesn't work out and the pain that would come with that.

LannieDuck · 04/04/2019 11:04

Why doesn't he want to date first? It makes sense before such a massive change in your lives.

The fact that he's being intractable before even entering the relationship would be a massive red flag!

bialystockandbloom · 04/04/2019 11:28

Hmm I think this has the potential to go very wrong OP. If you don't love him as a partner, and suddenly go to being married and living 24/7 with him, socialising as a couple, holidays together, making decisions about the house/xmas/shopping/etc together, he will drive you mental within months, imho. Even when you're in love with someone the little things can drive you mad but you compromise/overlook because you love them. If you don't love the person as a partner, those things will be magnified. Being friends (even ones who've slept together a few times) is very different from being in a couple. What if either of you meet someone you actually really fancy or fall in love with? Do you even actually fancy him? Does he fancy/love you?

Or you could end up being more like housemates - which is fine and nice and companionable, but also different from having an actual partner.

I like the pp idea of going on holiday as a "couple" and seeing how you feel then.

Helmetbymidnight · 04/04/2019 13:00

its honestly not normal to say 'i wont date, you but i want to get married'

im a bit at the people who thnk this is a great approach.

this guy genuinely wont give you onemonth or six months to think it over/to see how it does?

honestly, he sounds weird.

Loopytiles · 04/04/2019 13:03

You wouldn’t date anyone else?

Sure, dating can be stressful: so can marriage!

PerfectPeony2 · 04/04/2019 13:14

I love this and think you should do it! I’ve read all of your replies and he ticks all the boxes. Lots of people have arranged marriages that work- it’s kind of like that except you’re the ones arranging.

I think it sounds exciting. You could do Vegas or Gretna Green!

PerfectPeony2 · 04/04/2019 13:16

And yes I get that you should probably date first. But I do understand where he’s coming from (I actually don’t think it’s weird). you said you’d get married at 50. You’ve known each other for years, you’ve had a sexual relationship.

Helmetbymidnight · 04/04/2019 13:18

some peoplelove being bossed around i guess.

ultimatums - for no discernable reason- arent a good sign at all.

stacktherocks · 04/04/2019 14:01

you said you’d get married at 50.

Damn.

A suggestion fifteen years ago isn’t binding.

I presume fifteen years who when they had the discussion about marrying at fifty they didn’t also agree they’d be going from friends to a marriage certificate overnight without any period of dating.

This is just nuts. I’m genuinely shocked anyone is getting carried away with the ‘romance’ of it all without thinking for a second about why this man would be issuing an ultimatum already: do it my way or not at all.

Original poster

ZolloLou · 04/04/2019 14:15

I can’t tell you what’s in his head, obviously, only what he said to me. He said he felt we’d been kind of dating all these years anyway. Even though we spent periods of time with other people (me being married to one of mine), that we always end up going back to each other. He said “in a way you’ve always been my wife” and I laughed at that and asked him what he meant. And he said that I’m the one he comes to if he needs advice or whatever, and that I do the same with him. We cheer each other up if one of us is down, that kind of thing. And he talked about the sex So I think in his mind he’s decided and just wants to get on with it!

I can kind of see from his perspective why going out on dates etc would feel almost like a backwards step. People go on dates to get to know each other and we’ve done all that. Although I do think the holiday is potentially a good idea, and I have been giving that some thought.

There’s still more we need to discuss but his general idea seems to be that if I say yes, we move in together, we plan the wedding. It wouldn’t be get married next week then live together. Although from what he’s said I think he would be looking for us to do it within the first 6 months or so. He said he doesn’t want to live together for “ages” and “hobble up the aisle” when we’re 60 I did point out to him that I would hope neither of us are “hobbling” at 60! But basically he doesn’t want to move in unless I’m serious about marrying him.

OP posts:

stacktherocks · 04/04/2019 14:55

People go on dates to enjoy each other’s company! I go on dates with my OH and we live together.

However now you’ve said more it seems like he’s more saying that he wants to only get together and move in if you’re both serious about marrying if it feels right? In that case I don’t think it’s too bad. Lots of people only move in with the promise of marriage.

His comments about not wanting to hobble up the aisle at sixty seem a bit manipulative, acting as if there’s no middle ground other than marrying within the next six months and in the next decade. Of course there’s a middle ground.

You could date for three months, move in for six more and then plan a wedding for a few months after and that’d still be fast but reasonable, and give you nine months of seeing how it went before committing to marry. How does that sound to you? Or would that even be too little for his demands?

Ragwort · 04/04/2019 15:47

He sounds barmy - what is your relationship at the moment? Do you purely meet for sex?

Surely if he genuinely likes you and wants to be married he would be happy to 'date' ........... is he honestly going to say 'no, i refuse to go the cinema/out for a meal/theatre trip unless you promise we'll get married ............. but I'll be round for sex later?'

My DH and I go out on 'dates' (we don't call it that ) ie: we go to the cinema, out for dinner, meet friends etc etc becuase we enjoy spending time together. I can't understand his motive .... is he saying that if you won't agree to marry him then he will look for an alternative wife.

I can't think why you are hanging around with someone with such odd views. .

FermatsTheorem · 04/04/2019 15:59

I've finally put my finger on what's so odd about this thread: it's basically the plot of a bad romcom. And I think the posters saying "yay, go for it" are viewing it as if it were a romcom in which of course everything would work out wonderfully in the end.

But I (and quite a few other posters) are reading it in terms of "the real world doesn't work that way."

I still reckon you need to sit down and work out what it is about yourself and your sense of security in your own life that means you see marriage as an end in itself regardless of who you marry. And why you're not seeing his ultimatum (no dating, just straight down the registry office) as waving huge red flags. And why he's prepared to build an elaborate fantasy on a drunken conversation 15 years ago. None of this seems psychologically healthy, on either of your parts. Really, outside of a romcom plot it just comes across as weird.

HeavensToTenby · 04/04/2019 16:18

To be fair, if it were a romcom, the OP would bump into Mr Totally Perfect outside the fitting for her wedding dress, then have only three breathless months to decide between Mr Right Now and Mr Forever. He, meanwhile, would fall for the caterer.

I have bagsied this as a plot for my MN blockbuster

Mix56 · 04/04/2019 16:20

My cousin discovered that her long term bf was a incompatible after dating for years, they went on long holiday. Only then did she discover he was a hypochondriac, & spent the whole holiday panicking about various inoffensive health conditions, including regular bowel movements, stupid elementary things, she realized that she could not live with him.

I think Ragwort is right, surely he'd like to know if you had habits, foibles, wierd routines, etc before signing....

hairymclarey152 · 04/04/2019 16:22

I think the comment you have always been his wife speaks volumes. He already sees you as someone he wants to spend his life with he has lived in the shadows long enough. He wants recognition of a commitment you have already unspokenly entered into.

I think your decision rests on whether you think you can love him as much as he is requiring?

Or if you can't and he's a last chance saloon thing on your part you should set him free

Ragwort · 04/04/2019 16:44

He wants recognition of a commitment you have already unspokenly entered into - but surely he can muster the energy for a few dates before commitment to marriage. .

This thread is one of the most bizarre I have read in a long time (19 years on Mumsnet ) and I am genuinely surprised at the number of 'go for it' comments.... to me it's got disaster written all over it. And I do have a DB in his 50s who has never married, and I respect him for that, in the unlikely event that he decided to get married I would assume he just wanted a live in housekeeper .............. bed mate.

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