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Original poster

If we’re not married by the time we’re 50

138 replies

ZolloLou · 03/04/2019 19:40

NC for this as I’m scared of the responses Blush

So me and a male friend made that silly agreement 15 years ago, as you do! Only now we are 50!

As a friend, I adore him. We’ve slept together a few times when we have both been single but both have had other relationships. I have been married, now divorced, he never married. I don’t know why he and I never tried to make a go of it in the past, maybe we just friend zoned each other early on.

Anyway, long story short he thinks we should get married. I suggested dating but he wants all or nothing. He’s adamant on that, he hasn’t experienced marriage and really wants to. We both rent our homes, similar income, similar pensions so neither of us would lose out financially in a divorce.

Reasons why I think it’s a stupid idea, well it just seems plain crazy! Who gets married without even properly dating? If we were meant to marry it would have happened already.

Reasons why I’m considering it, maybe it would work? I married my ExH for love and it all turned to shit. At least with this guy we have a solid friendship and we’re compatible sexually. Two big factors imo. And what do I really have to lose?

But then I go back to thinking it’s ridiculously crazy again. So I am turning to the wise women of MN, to help me sort my head out!

OP posts:
TheTitOfTheIceberg · 04/04/2019 07:56

If you’re compatible enough to consider spending the rest of your life with him, how come you didn’t ever end up in a long term relationship with him arising out of any of those times you were both single and sleeping together? If you wanted each other, you had the chance of being together back then without weird ultimatums.

It sounds like he’s desperate to be married to anyone and you’d be settling for something that might not be as good as the life you have now.

How would he react if you turned him down? Do you think you’d stay friends as you are or would it mean he’d be out of your life forever, unable to get over rejection of his “proposal”? Because if the latter, this is going to change your life one way or the other regardless of which you choose.

birdsdestiny · 04/04/2019 07:57

It doesnt sound romantic and to be honest he doesn't sound very nice. I am not even sure if it sounds like he is really your friend.

HotpotLawyer · 04/04/2019 08:00

Say “ oh how exciting, let’s go on a two week holiday to celebrate “
And spend two weeks in his company, preferably self catering....
And then give yourself permission to make the final decision when you get back.

Italia2005 · 04/04/2019 08:07

Have you had a holiday together? Why not start with that? You’ll then be able to gauge how he deals with compromise, finances, etc.and will give you a micro view of his approach and attitude to the nitty gritty of running his life which as a friend you might not have ever discussed.
You would be mad to get married to a person you’ve barely spent longer than a weekend with. Have you been with each other when sick or ill, supported on dark days, celebrated the highs and lows over the years?
Don’t get me wrong, a life long relationship would be wonderful based on a strong friendship, but the few times you’ve spent together when a “couple” seems to be more like a holiday romance rather than seeing each other coping with the day to day minutiae of life (which only gets harder as you get older!)
I would have a long think about what you generally admire in a person and would regard as essential characteristics for you to commit to a permanent relationship, i.e. trust, empathy, integrity, honesty, forgiveness, finances and debts, spontaneity, love of animals, respect for others, whatever are important factors for you - the list can be as short or long as you like, but just see how many of the important boxes he ticks.
Spending some proper time together on a holiday would be like consecutive dates anyway and if you both decide to go ahead then do it - life really is too short and providing neither of you would lose out financially (and that is more important the closer you get to your 60s) you’ve got a better chance than many others to make a go of it.
Life really can be so much sweeter sharing it permanently with somebody you respect and are attracted to - and love can grow within a mutual and equal relationship - I can vouch for that based on my personal experience.

Charley50 · 04/04/2019 08:10

What is Love anyway? Does anybody love anybody anyway?

Hazlenutpie · 04/04/2019 08:12

Go for it ❤️

Charley50 · 04/04/2019 08:16

But seriously I agree that you need to live together or at least go on a few holidays together.

His reasons for his previous relationships ending sound pretty vague; he could be tight, have anger issues, be controlling, or really lazy; you don't really know him on that kind of day to day level. Maybe he wants to marry you to make it harder for you to leave, as his exes did? Or maybe he's perfectly lovely, but it would be good to find out!

FinallyHere · 04/04/2019 08:23

I suggested dating but he wants all or nothing.

For this alone, it would be a no from me. Who needs that kind of steamrollering 'I want' and no space for compromise ?

OneKeyAtATime

Put it much more succinctly

If you decide against , will he refused to be in a relationship with you? Separate homes, together only when you want to be sounds like heaven to me.

Doje · 04/04/2019 08:26

Nuh-uh. His 'reasoning' of 'I just wanna jump in' is bonkers! What about what you want? What about what's good for you? His compromising skills for one need some work!

OP, he sounds great, and from what you've said there are lots of good reasons to be romantically involved with him. You might have a lovely life together, but people date for a reason! Get to know him as a partner the old fashioned way.

Aus84 · 04/04/2019 08:28

His worst, hmm, maybe that I am concerned that he’s never made it to marriage with anyone else. I ask myself why. So not something I have seen or know exactly what it is, but that’s my concern.

Maybe he's been waiting for you to turn 50, hoping you'll be single.

Why don't you to the oversea tropical island wedding where it's not a legal ceremony. Live like a married couple and see how you go.

Helmetbymidnight · 04/04/2019 08:30

hes worse trait is he has never been married?

blimey, you too have got an unusual outlook on marriage.

stacktherocks · 04/04/2019 08:39

You said one of his good points is he always puts you first and is in your corner...

But he isn’t. You want to date for a while first to be comfortable with marriage. Which is absolutely 100% fair! He’s trying to rush you down the aisle with a threat of now or never. That’s putting himself first not you.

He doesn’t sound great. His actions so far suggest this could be your worst nightmare being tied to him. If he loved you he’d be more than happy to date for a while first. Why is he chasing the legal contract over being intimidate and in love with and spending time with you? Surely the person is what’s important?

Original poster
ZolloLou · 04/04/2019 09:04

To answer a few questions. He’s never had children. I have one but he is grown up, and in fact lives in another country now so there would be no impact on anyone in that way.

Property wise we both rent. I wouldn’t move into his. I would want to keep my place so that would be a condition on my part. If I owned a house then obviously it would be a “no way” but tbh I would gain financially, in that obviously it would be cheaper for us to live together.

As I said, I am happy as I am. I’m not lonely. I’ve deliberately stayed away from dating in fact. But would I like to experience a “happy” marriage? Yes that would be nice. Would I get that with him? Of course I can’t say, but the sex and friendship is there and those things are important.

The same way some people say “if my husband died I wouldn’t date anyone else, I’d just stay single”. That’s a bit how I feel, in that I won’t date anyone else. Someone mentioned all the fun parts of early dating. What sticks with me from early dating is all the uncertainty, waiting for that call or text message. The crushing disappointment if it doesn’t come. Or the wasted dates with someone incompatible. I find dating stressful, not fun. Which is why I haven’t done it in a long time.

Someone asked how I’d feel if he married someone else. That’s a good question. I think if that happened I would end up thinking “what if?” I would probably wonder if I should have married him! I think I could grow to love him. He does already mean a lot to me so, as long as he treated me right, I think it would grow.

In terms of him maybe wanting someone to look after him. Tbh he’s a lot fitter and healthier than me! And I know that he knows how to cook, clean etc so I wouldn’t be letting him off anything on that score! But like I say, that’s all areas I’d want to discuss beforehand anyway.

I think the bottom line for me is, I had adapted my mind set to being on my own till I die. I’d come to terms with it and was ok with it. I wasn’t feeling depressed about it or lonely. There was a wistful kind of “it’s a shame I never had a really good marriage” but I’d got over it. Now it’s a case of “do I have one last stab at love or stay as I am”.

OP posts:
birdsdestiny · 04/04/2019 09:10

But why are you happy with his inability to compromise. He is supposed to care for you.

Janus · 04/04/2019 09:15

I honestly can’t think of anything you have to lose here! He’s kind, you find him attractive, you’re already good friends, he’s fit, he can cook, he’s used to looking after himself, only niggle is he’s never been married. But maybe that’s a plus, he obviously hasn’t ‘settled’ as some people do. I suppose the only thing you do have to lose is his friendship if it doesn’t work and that may be the thing to consider?
It sounds a bit mad but I think do it!

zoellafortitude · 04/04/2019 09:17

It sounds like a firmer basis for marriage than many others I've seen (including one of my marriages Grin).

zoellafortitude · 04/04/2019 09:18

He has many good qualities AND is a man true to his word. I like that! Smile

FermatsTheorem · 04/04/2019 09:20

I think the bottom line for me is, I had adapted my mind set to being on my own till I die. I’d come to terms with it and was ok with it. I wasn’t feeling depressed about it or lonely. There was a wistful kind of “it’s a shame I never had a really good marriage” but I’d got over it. Now it’s a case of “do I have one last stab at love or stay as I am”.

But, as an outsider reading your posts, what I'm getting is not "one last stab at love", and more "I want to be married and this is the best I'll get."

Honestly, it's like reading a 21st century version of Charlotte Collins from Pride and Prejudice. Going into marriage thinking "marriage might be nice" (of course it is, it's lovely when it works...) "and this is my last shot at attaining that status" is pretty much guaranteed to produce a marriage which will not work. Especially when his attitude of "all or nothing, marriage now, no trial relationship, no run up to it to see if we can move from friends to a couple then to marriage" is frankly flying more red flags than a Soviet May Day parade.

bagpiss · 04/04/2019 09:21

I think it'd be best to at least live together first. As an example, one of my dc's was in a long term relationship of 9years, from school age though, they spent almost every waking moment together but as soon as they moved in together it lasted 5 months and they broke up. Op you never really really know someone until you spend a lot of personal close time with them. Also I'd be wary of the financial implications with regards to the 'all or nothing' statement. That'd be a bit of a warning red flag to me. Protect your interests whatever you decide.

Deadringer · 04/04/2019 09:25

I just don't see the point of it, for you anyway. You love the relationship you have with him, you are living life on on your own terms, you are not in love with him, you have nothing to gain financially. Aside from all that no way would i marry him without living with him first. The all or nothing thing would put me off. I think you will end up gaining an ex husband and losing a friend. Sorry.

Original poster
ZolloLou · 04/04/2019 10:06

My mind swings as these posts do. Half of me thinks if we’re going to be together we should do things the right way and take it slow. The other half of me thinks, what do I have to lose? A divorce isn’t that expensive if there’s no wrangling over property and children etc.

As happy as I am I’d be a liar if I said I don’t get bored and lonely sometimes. I have a job, friends, hobbies etc, as does he. But yes things like cuddling up together and watching a film are nice. Sex is nice! Those things are “missing” from my life. I don’t want a FWB, although I guess you could say he’s been that to me at times! But it would be hard to find that again.

OP posts:
HeavensToTenby · 04/04/2019 10:08

surely 'one last stab at love' would be not settling for this friend and leaving yourself available to fall in love with someone you haven't even met yet?

nothing wrong with setting up a home together, sharing living costs and making plans for the future as affectionate FWB, but I think confusing it with a romantic notion of what a loving marriage is (on both sides) would freight it with inevitable disappointment. The partnership might grow into something like love, and it might be even more fantastic being based on a long and understanding friendship, but it might not be the mysterious new state it sounds like he's expecting marriage to be. And you might lose the friendship as a result.

HeavensToTenby · 04/04/2019 10:09

which it not to say, don't do it! It could be amazing. I just think you'd need to have a really honest conversation about expectations first.

Lozzerbmc · 04/04/2019 10:11

I wouldnt rush into marriage but definitely sounds like you are compatible. Try living together first then you truly know them... good luck

rumred · 04/04/2019 10:12

You've really got to spend time together as lovers in a relationship before marriage, surely? You may be incompatible. He must have negatives, we all do. Not being married is not a negative character trait

Divorce costs emotionally as well as financially remember.