Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If we’re not married by the time we’re 50

138 replies

ZolloLou · 03/04/2019 19:40

NC for this as I’m scared of the responses Blush

So me and a male friend made that silly agreement 15 years ago, as you do! Only now we are 50!

As a friend, I adore him. We’ve slept together a few times when we have both been single but both have had other relationships. I have been married, now divorced, he never married. I don’t know why he and I never tried to make a go of it in the past, maybe we just friend zoned each other early on.

Anyway, long story short he thinks we should get married. I suggested dating but he wants all or nothing. He’s adamant on that, he hasn’t experienced marriage and really wants to. We both rent our homes, similar income, similar pensions so neither of us would lose out financially in a divorce.

Reasons why I think it’s a stupid idea, well it just seems plain crazy! Who gets married without even properly dating? If we were meant to marry it would have happened already.

Reasons why I’m considering it, maybe it would work? I married my ExH for love and it all turned to shit. At least with this guy we have a solid friendship and we’re compatible sexually. Two big factors imo. And what do I really have to lose?

But then I go back to thinking it’s ridiculously crazy again. So I am turning to the wise women of MN, to help me sort my head out!

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 03/04/2019 20:05

...but not in your flat. You keep your flat aside for when you need to move back into it. 😉

IvanaPee · 03/04/2019 20:06

But he can go for it by being exclusive! Good idea about booking the wedding in a year!

CatGoals · 03/04/2019 20:07

Plan the wedding for 12 months away and see how it goes! Don’t start buying or booking things until you’re six months in Grin

PierreBezukov · 03/04/2019 20:09

I think you should go for it. He sounds nice. There is something romantic about it. (Maybe that's just the romantic in me.)

Original poster
ZolloLou · 03/04/2019 20:11

Well we certainly aren’t getting married next Saturday Grin
We did only just talk about it and it takes time to organise so I guess I could discuss things further with him and see how we go in the meantime. We’d only want something small anyway so not as if we have to send out “save the date” cards months in advance or anything like that.

Yes it is true I only have his word to go on re financials. But I know for a fact that I don’t own my place and have no real assets, nor do i have a great pension, so if he was lying it wouldn’t be me that loses out!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 03/04/2019 20:11

How has he treated his previous partners? Why did those relationships end?

Original poster
ZolloLou · 03/04/2019 20:16

Obviously I only know what he has told me re his relationships. The same is true for him, he only knows what I have told him. So works both ways.

He has said that while he was happy with each person at the time, they never really felt like long term things. He says he loved them and cared about them but didn’t feel able to committ long term. But, as I say, that’s just what he’s told me.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/04/2019 20:20

I say take the plunge by first moving in together. That will show you pretty quickly if you're compatible. If you're happy together a year on, get married.

HollowTalk · 03/04/2019 20:22

Have you even gone on holiday together? What's the longest period of time you've spent together?

Thisisthelaststraw · 03/04/2019 20:23

Fuckin hell! Is 50 old and past finding love?

I think it’s a wonderfully romantic idea and it would be just fantastic if you lived happily ever after but .. you just never know when you’ll meet someone you might like to date or fall in love with. You don’t have to be looking. Cliche but bumping trolleys in the supermarket could lead you to that person.

Unless you actually fancy this guy and he’s willing to date for 6-12 months then I think 50 is way too young for this sort of agreement.

I feel so bad saying that but it’s the truth and of course it’s only my opinion.

Good luck in life and love and recognise you could have another 50 years ahead of you. You and those years are worth true happiness.

(Steps aside as I’m being a soft shite)

Susanna30 · 03/04/2019 20:27

What will he be like to live with? Have you ever lived together or been on a long holiday together?

How did you meet him?

I'd probably go for it😂!

Ilovemypantry · 03/04/2019 20:28

Why do you feel the need to be married?

MayFayner · 03/04/2019 20:28

Making a commitment to a relationship would be fine, but “all or nothing” and “he wants to experience marriage” - no.

He just wants to be married rather than be with you.

If he just wanted you he would be happy to date first.

StillMe1 · 03/04/2019 20:28

A holiday together is a good idea followed by staying at each other's houses for a week at a time. Work distance allowing this naturally. That gives you a chance to see how each other are with a person in your spaces. Spend a lot of time together and several holidays long weekends alone and with other friends and family

KennDodd · 03/04/2019 20:29

I think I'd do it! Well. if that long talk you're planning goes well.

Can I come to the wedding?

GummyGoddess · 03/04/2019 20:29

I'd do it. The worst that can happen is that you have a short marriage and a divorce. Short marriage means you should both walk away with your finances intact which would be my main concern.

Nowordsleft · 03/04/2019 20:33

I think it’s absolute madness.

But I have been through a very messy divorce and can’t think of anything worse than being married.

Original poster
ZolloLou · 03/04/2019 20:33

Lol, yes I do fancy him, I have to be honest on that one. When either of us have been in relationships we don’t cheat. That’s not who we are. But when we’ve both been single then yes we have ended up sleeping together. I definitely have a really strong affection for him. He means a lot to me.

It’s true though we haven’t spent much time together in one go. Maybe only a weekend at the most!

OP posts:
OneKeyAtATime · 03/04/2019 20:34

Why does it have to be on his terms? I would see this as a bad sign

Knackeredmommy · 03/04/2019 20:35

I'd go for it, you seem to be leaning that way. Life is short, you sound very compatible. Book the wedding and plan things and date in the meanwhile. Hope everything goes well!

Original poster
ZolloLou · 03/04/2019 20:35

@KennDodd

If it happens you are more than welcome! I will update you all on what happens in the end!

OP posts:
category12 · 03/04/2019 20:35

But you don't love him. Seems like the perfect way to ruin something quite nice.

SqueakyPigs · 03/04/2019 20:35

Go for it OP and keep us updated!

SunshineCake · 03/04/2019 20:40

I've only read the Op and wanted to just post emotionally. Go for it. While you shouldn't marry thinking, well we'll get divorced easy enough if it goes wrong, it's a fact that you could.

I had a similar thing with my first love but I suggested a lot older age than fifty Confused. Currently both married to other people just about

HollowTalk · 03/04/2019 20:44

Why don't you try a week in your house, then a week separate, then a week in his house, then a week separate. Do that a few times and you'll get to know what you like/dislike about being in each other's spaces and when you're apart you'll see whether you miss each other.