“I am not afraid of the storms for I am learning to sail my ship” Louisa May Alcott.
I was looking for something to call this thread and came across this quote.
It’s not entirely true; yet, but almost 3 years and 5 threads later, I actually almost believe I can do this.
But I still like the last thread title as it still feels fitting.
I’ll save the LMA quote for the next one.
Here’s a link to the last thread.
Hope you all find me, my amazing friends 
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3211292-I-am-onit-hear-me-ROAR-occasionally
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I am Onit, hear me ROAR. Thread 5!
449 replies
onitlikeacarbonnet · 27/03/2019 12:36
OP posts:
SunshineCake ·
16/07/2021 19:10
Hi @onitlikeacarbonnet. So sorry to have missed your reply. I have been trying to find your thread for ages. I have been following you from the beginning and called it with how your twatty ex would be. So sad to see all these years later he still would rather try and control you than be a decent dad to his children. He's going to miss out soon.
Hopefully there is trouble in paradise and you have your "ok" response already. Or maybe Oh dear with a head tilt 
.
MrsMcCluskeysCat ·
21/11/2021 05:58
Ah Onit what a tough week for you, I'm sorry to hear you are not feeling great at the moment. You are right it is a positive thing but it's also something huge that is going to take a lot of mental load to deal with which would be overwhelming at the best of times never mind when you are already suffering at the moment. I can't remember whether you are on meds at all but is it worth going to the docs if not/to get a review?
10 going on 15 gave me a good giggle, I hope now they are getting old enough to make their own decisions he isn't continuing to be an arse with contact but I somehow doubt that! Are you still with your lovely DP?
I hope you have some nice plans for Xmas and manage to get some time off work. 
have some flowers gin and cake to try and see you through this hurdle! Of all the threads I've read over the years on MN something always stuck with me about how strong you were and you and the DC's often randomly pop into my head 
endofthelinefinally ·
24/11/2021 10:28
I have followed your story from the beginning but I don't think I have ever posted. You have been so brave all this time.
I suggest you post a question in Legal on here just to see if you can get an opinion on the contact order.
It would be awful to fall at the last fence, but I understand how exhausted you must be.
onitlikeacarbonnet ·
08/01/2022 09:14
@SoNotRainbowRhythms happy new year!
I’m a lot better now, thank you so much for asking. Mix is right, I do get very low during the winter. Christmas is not a good time for me. I find it extremely difficult for lots of reasons and, this time more than any other, I paid attention to why. I can list lots of reasons why it’s hard for me and, now it’s over, I’ll address them as much as I can. And plan to mitigate better this Christmas.
The run up to Christmas was tough though. Like Christmas 2020, I had my only chunk of days off over Christmas weekend. I knew he’d want Boxing Day again but, after the previous year, I knew I wasn’t offering him any of it.
It went down like a lead balloon but he didn’t fight my decision other than to accuse me of selfishness and denying the dc their Christmas.
The fun began when he texted to inform me that his gf had tested positive on a lat flow. This was Tuesday before Christmas, so dc still at school that day and finishing the next. He was due to have them on the Thursday while I was at work. He hadn’t considered finding a replacement for himself so I asked a friend a huge favour and arranged it myself.
When she got the positive PCR on Thursday afternoon, it put me in a pickle.
I never rely on him for childcare. Ever. He’s proved himself unreliable. But over Christmas holidays I have no other choice. My dsis would be my fallback but she’d gone away till the 31st. I somehow managed to find cover for 2 of my 3 shifts between Christmas and new year but I lost a days pay for the one I couldn’t do.
Now this scenario in itself was hard, the days before Christmas are so full of stuff to be done and I’m no different, I still had food shopping to do, all the kids presents to wrap, food prep to do, I was working and it’s fucking manic there with customers doing their food shop and it’s physically exhausting especially this time round as we’re running with less staff due to covid etc.
But he’s perfected the art of time suckage and made it even more difficult. Firstly by not even suggesting that he would arrange alternative childcare. Despite the fact he’d agreed to cover these 3 shifts. But, I anticipated that and did it anyway. When he told me about the positive test, I was sure I’d need to take the time off. As my work has a covid exemption (and I frankly don’t trust him) I politely asked him to forward their isolation notes so I could show my work if/when I needed to prove my absence was due to his/her covid status. He ignored me and said he’d like more time with the kids when his isolation finished (my only other days off).
So I asked again. Same single sentence c&p’d.
When he replied he told me the date of his isolation was different (longer) and that, if I agreed to his request for more days, he had a screenshot waiting to send.
Proving to me that, even if the positive test was true, the date of his isolation wasn’t.
I told him if he didn’t want to send it it was fine. And that I couldn’t grant his request for additional time as I had already made plans with the dc for those days (to sit in our pjs and watch movies and eat chocolate for breakfast, lunch and tea).
He accused me of trying to shame him into giving me the info, of bullying him and in a subsequent rant, of being uncivil 
.
I know some of you are screaming “don’t engage, don’t engage” and I don’t like engaging with him on this level. It’s time consuming and pointless. 99.9% of the time I don’t. But I needed to this time so I could get paid.
But, and this might seem odd, I find it serves as an occasional reminder that he’s all of those things that he accused me of.
And it also makes me aware of how little power he has over me anymore.
He’s like when you step in dogshit.
Most of the time, you walk around outside, and you don’t step in it so you drop your vigilance. But when you find yourself scraping in out of all the crevices in the sole of your shoe, you know you’ll tread more carefully for the next wee while.
So anyway, I had Hogmanay with the dc which I haven’t had since the split and, now they’re bigger, they stayed up and we had a little party, got dressed up, made a platter of grown up party food (and triangle sandwiches ), watched the hootenanny and saw in the new year together. It was lovely.
I hope yours were good too.
The diet started on Monday lol.
Oh, and in the end I stuck my head in the sand about the divorce writ and let the date pass. I did read the letters and documents more closely and the only thing I would’ve contested was the cause. But I realised I didn’t care anymore that his adultery is on record as the reason. And anyhow, the family court process has acknowledged it so I’ve been vindicated. I presume the papers I’ll need to sign won’t be long in coming. And I’ll be a divorcée. This is a good thing. A very good thing.
He’s a tumour and he needs cut out.
OP posts:
Theluggagerules ·
08/01/2022 12:03
Oh I'm glad the shite will be cleaned off your shoes . Sadly they don't improve but your reactions to them improves your life. Happy New year
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.