I am Onit, hear me ROAR. Thread 5!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

“I am not afraid of the storms for I am learning to sail my ship” Louisa May Alcott.

I was looking for something to call this thread and came across this quote.
It’s not entirely true; yet, but almost 3 years and 5 threads later, I actually almost believe I can do this.

But I still like the last thread title as it still feels fitting.
I’ll save the LMA quote for the next one.

Here’s a link to the last thread.
Hope you all find me, my amazing friends

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3211292-I-am-onit-hear-me-ROAR-occasionally

He is a poor excuse for a father that's for sure. But the pitiful attempt to keep "his" stuff for the DC are his desparate attempts at control. It is great that the DC feel able to talk to you about this. Both for them and in terms of you letting the CRO know how things are.

It is grim for the DC but as you say he is showing them who he is. And he's not very nice at all is he?

Delurking to say you are a wonderful, strong woman. Your children are lucky to have you.

If you do go deed poll to change your name may I suggest the surname Connolly. It means fierce as a hound.

If you want to go the whole hog and change your first name too the Irish name Saoirse (Seer-sha) means freedom.

Love those suggestions hibernocaledonian!
I’m not sure I’m bold enough to change my first name (even though I’ve never liked it).
Saoirse was on my list for DD. I love it. But it’s also pretty close to OW’s name.
Connolly is one of my friends surname. She’s definitely fierce.
Weird lol.

Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock 😁. Just kidding. Are there any family names on your side that you like, eg your mother’s or great grandmother’s maiden names?

I think it stinks that you cannot divorce the vile cockroach, but OTH it is a great idea to get rid of his name.
I am sorry for the DC’s sake that they have such a selfish father, but thank god they have you. His behaviour is certainly going to bite him in the bum in the not too distant future.

Personally I'd change your last name to Donteventrytofuckwithmeyouasshole.

But that might be hard to fit on a passport. And take too long to sign on documents.

It really is a mans world , isn't it ?

Hi Onit... Just caught up with LCBs never ending fuckwittery.
Your DC seem to have the understood how unfair he is.
You do however sound so strong now, I remember the misery & how desperate you have been... Bloody well done.
Interesting to hear that OW has passed him the baby !!! I do very much hope they end up separating, not for the poor child obviously, but Karma is a wonderful thing.

Just back from a few days away at the bf’s.
Came back to lovely new windows and all the mess that that has created.

I’m definitely stronger for the lack of having him in my life on a daily basis.
He’s trying to get to me still but I have mostly stopped biting. More than that, since the last hearing, I’m not having the panic that I once thought was uncontrollable when he does contact me.
He has his extra weekend at the end of next month which the sheriff awarded because I took the dc away last week (we only had 10 days holiday here; of which he had 4 nights but that was insufficient). It bothers me that he’ll have 3 weekends in a row but OTOH I am desperately in need of a break. It will only be Saturday morning to Sunday evening but it’ll be the first proper break I’ve had since they went away in August. And I had the bf and his ds’s here then.
I wish I didn’t feel guilty about looking forward to those 2 days.

Do not feel guilty! In any circumstances parents( mums) need time off. In your case it is more than needed.

Don't waste a minute of those weekends feeling guilty! Relax, relax and relax.

Just caught up with this thread. It's good to see some decisions have gone in favour of you and the dc. Sad to see LCB is no less of a knob.

Please don't feel guilty for needing or enjoying a couple of days to yourself now and again. You work so hard and put so much emotional energy into raising your lovely family, and that's without all the other stuff you've had to deal with. You need that down time in order to continue to be the great mother you are.

Agreed. also, your back problem is possibly exacerbated by stress.
Everyone needs a rest.

Man really needs to stop turning on the waterworks st every court appearance. It seems the sheriff is getting wise to him.

Hope your back is better Onit x

Was thinking of you today, onit. Maybe Alexander Technique would be worth looking into for your back. A good practitioner will remove all the stress from your body. I know money is tight.

Great news about the Freedom Programme. I was reading a bit of that 'Why Does He Do That' book the other day. Mind boggling.

I have a few bulging discs and wear and tear to my lower spine.
I’ve had my dose increased but basically that’s that.

Dc are doing well. DD is going on her first residential next year. She’s so excited .

One of my best friends ddad passed away suddenly a couple of weeks ago. Brought up a lot of difficult thoughts and feelings. I hate that all of my adult memories are tainted by him. I wish I could let go of the resentment. I didn’t make it to the service because of work but I saw her the end of last week and she was ok. I think still so raw. But she could still smile and laugh. People are so resilient, aren’t they? Her DB did the eulogy. She said she was awed by him.
I flashed back to my own DDad’s.
Wish I could remove him.

All of it will be ok in time. I had a nightmare this morning just before I woke up about something from 12 years ago, and I was quite upset for about 20 minutes. But my reality now is different and I'm safe in it.

You have your home with your lovely DC, and they're learning how to be superb adults from you, their brave and capable and loving mother. Things are raw and that absolute fucker is still trying to manipulate things to get his way, but he's losing and you're winning, in every possible way. He'll never be happy because he's a mean and miserable soul. You will be happy, and you'll come out of this shining.

Hurts don't go away, they just fade and don't matter so much eventually. I'm sorry he stole so many years of your life and that memories of yours have him in them. And it's important to allow yourself to be pissed off or angry or upset and sad. You're entitled to feel like that. I'd say it's good you're processing some of the unfairness of it all now. You probably haven't had time to process anything really, you've been going from one crisis to another for so long. It's an awful lot to process, Onit.

He makes me feel so angry, a random person on the internet! So you are so entitled to feel rage and grief that the fucker is in your memories. But you'll get past that too, I know you will.

Hello Onit, two exercises to push bulging discs back into place (I have them too)

Lie on floor in front of telly, hips into the ground and push up keeping hips on the floor. This arches your back to push the disc material back into place. Its a really nice pain IFKWIM and if done enough times, will actually heal the discs back into space.

Stand with hands on hips and arch (lower spine) backwards. Same thing, will push bulging disk material back into place.

Both exercises from two different physiotherapists treating my lower back pain.

The back muscles go into spasm instantly the discs bulge to protect - so you have to sort out the disc bulges first.

That's what they said!

Mine are set off by twisting to the side, I now know I just cannot do that. What sets yours off?

Tbh it could be anything but it definitely gets worse when I’m leaning over, bending even slightly at the waist.
I can lift quite heavy things as long as I don’t have to stoop for them. But sometimes it just goes and it makes me jump 6 feet in the air and cry out with the pain.
I have been wearing a back strap to work for a year now. I think it helps a bit.
The increased dose of gabapentin is working a bit more. I have periods of no pain. I’m thinking I can start exercising a little. Just need to find the time.

It was my birthday on Friday. I was treated by my dc (who I took shopping after their father failed to take them. They were insistent they’d spend their own money, not mine. The bf appeared at my door amongst the trick or treaters. Total surprise. Lovely really.
However, I had realised that morning that I was having a flare up, I hate my birthday now anyway. Most occasions frankly. And I was very tearful after the dc went to bed and again in the morning after they left for school.
The bf has to leave early as his dc were due at his so off he trotted mid afternoon.
I was missing my parents, my dcousin.

It bothers me that these amazing happy things happen and I have no joy. I had to push down the scary, nasty thoughts. I wouldn’t do anything anyway. I can’t leave my dc.
I spent my hour of counselling today in floods.
It’s another bad time.
But it’ll pass. They always do.

onit

I feel more like giving you a hug than flowers tbh. You've endured a lot of pain, and you've not always had a chance to deal with it i.e. cry, rant, grieve, accept and heal, as it's occured, as you've had to put your pain and hurt to one side in order to deal with crises/day to day caring for DC.

Often when things are a bit more settled the emotions you put to one side pop back up. It's great you cried and cried - you needed to. It's healthy and it helps. You have a lot to grieve about, and a lot to heal from.

I'm not saying depression and anxiety aren't a medical thing, I've benefited hugely from medication myself. But I do think we're often legitimately overwhelmingly anxious and overwhelmingly sad because of lived experience. Particularly when the people causing the anxiety and hurt were telling us they were good people who loved us, and we believed them.

I had Wednesday off and I spent some time crying too. I felt a bit better afterwards.

Many good thoughts and well wishes and positive vibes being sent your way. You're an exceptionally strong person and you're carrying a lot.

How are things, Onit?

I got his “suggestions” for how we split the Christmas holidays in an email a few days ago.
I sat on it for a couple of days and responded this morning.
Initially I started off using his as a guide but, after discussing with my counsellor why his position should definitely not be my starting point, I went back to the drawing board.
I am restricted by having to work during the holidays.
I had asked him previously if he was available to cover those days and he replied saying he’d happily use his time to cover my childcare requirements .
And I learn that’s the last time I ever ask him to cover.

I have been very up and down since I last updated. But I’m doing ok with this, just now at least. I guess I’ll see how his reply pans out.
In court, it was discussed that while I was happy to agree to his having a week, it should not be a consecutive 7 day stretch because it had negatively affected the dc the previous Christmas.
The court order says he gets a week to be mutually agreed. He has taken that to be 7 days straight. And on top of that he has added the 4 days I’m working and his weekend at the start of the holiday. His suggestion has the kids at home only 2 and a half days of the first week (split either side of one of my working days, and the middle weekend. I’d also get them the day before they go back to school.
So he’d have a full week straight and the longest they’d be at home would be 2 full days.
It’s unclear to me if he is actually delusional or just a massively entitled, malignant narcissist. Maybe both.
I’ll keep you posted.
I’m sure his reply will be forthcoming shortly.

Oh Dear Onit, he will never get this thing about considering what the children want or what is best for them, will he?

What was your suggestion? Are you in court before Christmas, do you go back at all?

Well done on asserting something different though. He is not going to like you standing up to him one bit, but tough.

My suggestion gave him his usual weekend at the star, Xmas eve, Boxing Day and the 27th first week. Hogmanay, 1st and 2nd (I’m working 31st and 2nd) till the evening then home till the Friday afternoon (this was the dcs request to break up the full week and come home to pay with their presents and see me) before going back for his weekend. Back home on Sunday evening as usual. Day at home Monday. Back to school Tuesday.
Overall, very much in his favour but his response was to point out I’d made a mistake with my dates (I’d typed 27th twice) and he couldn’t understand so I’d need to amend it and resend.
He also quoted the week from the court order and that he expected 5 full days and nights. And then to offer to have them if I’m working (after making the previous comment about being MY childcare) especially if I was considering using “non parental care.

I responded like this:
Oh dear, I appear to have put the 27th twice. Oops.
I’m sure you can work it out now.

I’m confused by your comment about non parental care.
Where was DD when you took the boys to football last weekend?

Thats a rhetorical question.

Anyhow, back to the matter in hand.
As you’ve now said you want to see the kids on the 24th, keep them from Friday 20th and bring them home on the 24th at lunchtime (1pm). Saves them unnecessary back and forth.

Assume I’ll get a response later today or probably tomorrow to attempt to ruin my weekend (which he has the dc as the extra one ordered because he complained I took them on holiday in October.

Gotta go late for work

Still an abusive arsehole.
You are right. Don't ask him for anything. Don't tell him your plans (working or otherwise). Don't let him know any other arrangements you make for child care. It is none of his business. He may hear via the DC but don't engage with him. Or comment on his arrangements ( football last weekend as an example). He is still primarily doing this as a controlling mechanism. Near silence is your friend here infuriating as he is.

Sorry just catching up. He is such a bastard, No reason for him to get your work days on top, he should get half including those days surely?
You could mention "the children have asked to come home in-between, so here is the divided up holiday",

Hi onit

Have just caught up with your thread.

How are things with you? How are the arrangements for Christmas ? Hope they’re in your favour

Take care