I am Onit, hear me ROAR. Thread 5!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

“I am not afraid of the storms for I am learning to sail my ship” Louisa May Alcott.

I was looking for something to call this thread and came across this quote.
It’s not entirely true; yet, but almost 3 years and 5 threads later, I actually almost believe I can do this.

But I still like the last thread title as it still feels fitting.
I’ll save the LMA quote for the next one.

Here’s a link to the last thread.
Hope you all find me, my amazing friends

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3211292-I-am-onit-hear-me-ROAR-occasionally

Well said onit you can hold your head high knowing you have behaved decently throughout.

Onit you are above balanced. People on your threads and on other threads with manipulative exes always give the same advice, to be honest with DC in an age appropriate way, not to cover up or excuse bad behaviour from people in their lives, as it just confuses them, teaches them that the right thing to do is bury their emotions and put up with things that at best, make them unhappy or uncomfortable, and at worst, are actually abusive.

Your DC can talk to you. They can't talk to LCB because they are afraid to. They absolutely need one parent they can talk to in a natural honest way. It won't do them any good for you to say LCB was right when he was clearly wrong. That's just confusion and upset and dishonesty and them not being able to trust you to tell the truth about things. I know you know this already because that's what you do anyway.

This not criticising a former partner to the DC is ridiculous. If someone doesn't turn up for contact or something and you make excuses for them you're basically telling the DC they are less important than whatever the excuse was, and not only does the absent parent think that, you think it too.

Hear hear

Or is it here here? I never know 🤷🏽‍♀️

Just caught up and it's fantastic news that the DC have got their Sunday evenings back with you.

For what it's worth I could not disagree more with the comments of Holidaysmolidaya.

LCB is a piece of shit trying to manipulate his DC and extoll sympathy for himself at his children's expense - he would rather upset them than put their happiness first - he is a disgusting human being and not fit to be a parent.

Great news , enjoy your Sunday, knowing that the court put your children's needs first.

Even although I don't work on a Monday and my youngest is now in high school I hate Sunday evenings. I think it goes back to my school days and not particularly enjoying school all that much. However onit I hope this particular Sunday evening is a lovely stress free one for you and your children.

Remember at Christmas the way the days fell meant you very much got the short end of the stick? Even although it almost killed you not seeing much of the children you didn't lower yourself to try and change anything? Well hopefully now you will now reap the benefit of that. Surely the court will see just how reasonable you have always been when it comes to holidays.

The older I get and the more I experience I find myself often murmering
phrases such as "You Reap What You Sow" and "What Goes Around Comes Around". Never used to believe in Karma but I do now. Of course some times it takes a while. "Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold".

Ok I will stop with the fridge magnet philosophy, but I really hope that things have now taken a turn in your favour.

I’m not a fan of Sunday evenings either Belindabelle but it’s what was best for the dc.
If I was totally selfish I’d have let it continue. That fortnightly Sunday night/Monday morning was a real bit of me time. I could get in from work, tea with the bf before he drove home, no dc to feed, bath, get ready for school, no bf, no work or school to get to, lie in if I wanted. If I’d been able to relax knowing my dc were ok, I’d have enjoyed the time more. But, it’s ok. It’s not about that. Most other mums don’t get that either.

Well Sunday was lovely. Monday morning fine and Monday evening was a big change.

Dc came home not fed (he used to feed them though they’d always need supper). The bf was here (bugger got a bigger hug than me from DD), and it was his birthday on Friday so the dc and I decided we’d do his cake and candles on Sunday.
So we had cake before the bf left to go home before bedtime.
I let them sleep a bit later in the morning and everyone went off to school.
Monday afternoon was a marked difference to usual. No moods, whining, tears, tantrums or crying. DD went off to her club and home after with no sign of the usual tiredness.

I have heard nothing from their dad since before the last court hearing.
I will need to correspond with him to discuss the October holiday. I’m planning to take them away to make up for the summer which was cut short after he didn’t pay anything at the beginning of July. I will put that info in the email so it will be part of any evidence shown to the sheriff.
I’ve been advised that finances are not to be discussed at the hearing but this way I can get it on record that he chose to withhold support and that had a negative impact on the dc.
Dc finish on a Friday and are at their dads that weekend. I’m going to suggest he bring them home at some point on the Tuesday. Well leave that day to go to the bf’s. I have a good friend less than 30 minutes from his. We can visit her and her family, go day trips, etc. DD’s daft on harry potter so we might even get to hogwarts.
If I didn’t have an appointment on the Tuesday, I’d take them away on the Sunday. But I will be subjected to his shit regardless of him getting 2 days extra or none.
I can only hope the next hearing will be the last and I can finally get divorced, put the asshat and all his shit in a box and forget about him.
I want to move on with my life.
I DO NOT want to be married to him any more.

Sounds like a plan. Be advised by your lawyer re finances, and how to make point As you know it is a different approach up here and best to be careful.

So pleased the DC are already reaping the benefits of the arrangements. KOKO.

Brilliant news on the Sunday/Monday improvements

MsP my local WA have posted today on their fb page that they are running a freedom programme. I have messaged to find out where and when. Fingers crossed I can get there.

Be great if you can! Keeping my fingers crossed too

Had a reply. I’m on the waiting list to be contacted when the next one runs. Not sure how I missed the current one tbh. But hopefully it’ll be fairly soon.

Hows things Onit?

Things are ok historysock, thanks.

There’s been a few emails discussing the October holidays. He’s not happy because I’ve told him I’m taking the dc on holiday and that means he gets only one additional day with them.
He expects me to give up a weekend somewhere to “make up for it”.
I haven’t replied to his last email and don’t intend to. Let him bring it up in court and I’ll explain this break was originally planned for the summer however, after a deferred maintenance payment left us in difficulty, I had no choice but to cancel it.
Let him explain that to the sheriff.
I’ve been busy collating old holiday calendars which should disprove his accusations that I’m restricting his contact.

DS has come home from his weekend with a bit of an attitude. Doesn’t like that his dad is spending all of his time with the baby. When he told me this I said it was great that he felt ok to talk to me about it and that I’d always listen but he needs to tell his dad.
He said he did and his dad just got angry at him.
I’ll bring it up with the CRO when I contact her.

Other than that, all is fine.
Have bitten the bullet and got a quote for my windows. A friends bil. Got the best price I could’ve hoped for. Mates rates. They’ll be in before Christmas and I can start decorating.
Need this house to stop feeling like a temporary place. The dc have settled but I still have the last landlords wallpaper and hideous yellow paint in my bedroom and a half finished kitchen.
Time to start making this place mine.

Ah that's good.
Mine get temper back from their dad whenever they raise anything negative about him or his behaviour. They've learned not to bother.
Be good to make the house your own for sure x

"Dc came home not fed"

document.

How are things, Onit?

Just catching up now. Been a tremendously busy week, on top of which I’ve been on my knees with the back pain.
Court on Wednesday ended with the case being sisted. So, basically, unless he takes it back to court, it’s on hold.
He’d asked for an order for holidays but the sheriff seemed pissed off we were back in front of him. And said that we should be able to arrange things without having to waste the courts time having to sort out each and every holiday.
Despite that, he still awarded their dad an extra weekend because I’m taking the dc on holiday for some of the October break.
Apparently it’s unreasonable to do that and not “make up for it”.
The dc will be with their dad from Friday pm till Tuesday am. I’m taking them away from Tuesday pm till Monday am. I made a compromise to avoid a backlash but it means 3 weekends, from November to December, the dc are with him.
He started crying again and asking for a repeat order for Christmas. As he hasn’t seen his children on Christmas Day for 3 years. I held back my own tears as I said the order last year had meant that I had only a few days with my dc. That I had been off work while they were with their dad and I was at work when they were at home.
The 2 women court reporters looked horrified when I said that.
He was ordered a week of the Christmas holidays but my lawyer asked that they should not be consecutive in order to fit with my shifts. And I believe that is how it was done but I’ve not got a copy yet.
But, looking at it positively, he didn’t get his order for half the holidays going forward.
I was pretty upset coming out as I felt I’d been reprimanded by the sheriff and punished for having the audacity to take them away.
I didn’t have the opportunity to explain why I was taking them now and not in the summer as planned. Due to a missing maintenance payment.
The day after court I had an MRI scan on my back.
I’ve been off work since Tuesday.
I’m very concerned about my job at this point. I had 2 months off in summer. And it’s as bad, if not worse than ever. I’m now on the heavy duty, controlled drugs after breaking down at the doctors a couple of weeks ago. When I went in on Friday for a review, the gp I saw was so unsympathetic. I was in tears walking out. She challenged my need for the drugs I was on. That I should go back on the regimen she’d prescribed a few months ago (the combination that had me comatose for half the day and had so many horrible side effects).
That the results of the MRI would likely not change anything as only 1% have a surgical need. I got the feeling she thought I was making it all up.
In the end she continued my latest prescription but with a condition that I should come off it when the results of the MRI come back.
I left and burst into tears in the car.
I’m not 45 yet.

I’m feeling a bit less shitty now but I guess I have to just get on with it. I’ll aim to get back to work on Tuesday so I don’t need a line.

Onit, I’m so sorry.
Your douchebag of an ex is extremely manipulative, you know that anyway.
Is there any chance to meet with the reporter again?
As for GP, sometimes you have to push for other options.
How are the kids doing?
Thinking of you :)

The back issue sounds horrific. After the MRI you should certainly try for a more sympathetic GP.

Re the order. It is positive in that he didn't get what he was pushing for. Surely too God he'll just get on with it. I did suspect you probably wouldn't get a chance to explain re summer. As you know up here they are really not concerned with the finances etc. Having said that it sounds like the Sherri has LCB's number and will be annoyed if he turns up again.

Hoping you get some relief from the back soon. Are you in a union BTW?

The dc are pretty good all things considered. DS is definitely the most challenging as he’s pretty miserable about going. Says he’s told his dad that he just wants to chill out. Even spend some time with him but he says his dad gets angry and shouts. DS says the baby is basically attached to his dad.
They’re always out doing stuff but DS is almost 10 and zoos, parks etc are boring now. He wants to be home with his Xbox friends.
I’ll call the CRO tomorrow. Just to let her know how it’s gone since she saw them.

Info which has left me on a big downer is, because the issues regarding the dc are not resolved, and there’s no final order, I can’t chase him for a divorce. The sheriff won’t grant it.

I spoke to my counsellor yesterday and had a bit of a rant about it. It pisses me off that he won’t accept things are the way they are.
I’ve long since accepted I don’t have my dc at home all the time. Why won’t he accept it?
Even putting aside this was all his doing, it is what it is. But I have to accept he’ll likely never accept it.
I might be married to him till DD turns 18.
I’m seriously contemplating just changing my name. But can’t decide on one. Don’t want my maiden name as it’s too close to his. Plus I’ll keep his as a middle name only because the dc aren’t happy id have a different name.
Ideas on a postcard please lol.

I don't understand why the sheriff won't let you divorce, the money side of things have been sorted, the children have been almost sorted.

The sheriff is allowing him to continue to control by letting him get away with not agreeing to the divorce.

He got a new life with OW and a child. There is no reason for him to still be married to you.

I think I’ve been unclear. The divorce would be granted by a different sheriff. The hearings we’ve been at are purely child focussed. Totally not interested in anything to do with the marriage or divorce or finances. Was told early on by my lawyer that bringing anything about that stuff up would be pointless.
I (or LCB) could apply for the divorce but with only an interim contact order, and LCB still not accepting what’s been ordered, and the likelihood he’ll drag it back at some stage, I’m Mrs LCB-Asshat for the foreseeable.
LCB is in control of that, but not much else.

I was talking to the dc today about contacting the CRO. I said I thought it would be good to catch up after the order was changed (and tell her about what their dad had said and done the day after. And since; read on ), and DS said that his dad had told him that if he wanted to talk to someone about things he shouldn’t talk to the CRO. It took me a while to let that sink in and then I told both dc that that was utterly wrong and that the CRO was exactly who they should be talking to a about stuff.
I had brought her up because it’s parents evening tomorrow and they always have a book stall. DS had said he’d seen 3 books he wanted and I had to tell him that my budget didn’t stretch to all three but he could ask his dad to get one. (He goes separately on another night). DS said no because he wouldn’t be allowed to bring it home. His dad wouldn’t let him.
We’ve had this before but this time I tried to calmly explain that this wasn’t a normal way to behave. That things given to them as gifts or bought for them, are theirs. And that their dad was very wrong not to allow them to do what they like with their own things. DS said he’d asked before to bring things home but his dad had got angry.
DD said the dress up stuff she’d brought home on Sunday (which I’d thought was a step towards him loosening the vice on this kind of thing), were to be taken back next weekend. She added he’d said it was ok if she wanted to “borrow them” for Halloween.
It added to the things I want to bring up to the CRO and then DS came out with the “don’t talk to her” chat.
He is a nasty, despicable excuse for a father.
I’m ashamed every day of his behaviour and attitude towards the dc.
But he’s doing a very good job of alienating them. A very, very good job.

Oh, and ps MrsP, I’ve a place on the January freedom programme .