I am Onit, hear me ROAR. Thread 5!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

“I am not afraid of the storms for I am learning to sail my ship” Louisa May Alcott.

I was looking for something to call this thread and came across this quote.
It’s not entirely true; yet, but almost 3 years and 5 threads later, I actually almost believe I can do this.

But I still like the last thread title as it still feels fitting.
I’ll save the LMA quote for the next one.

Here’s a link to the last thread.
Hope you all find me, my amazing friends

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3211292-I-am-onit-hear-me-ROAR-occasionally

what great news, let him go & sulk in his cavern
Good news for DD when she got out of school, how was she ?

Well done onit. Fabulous.

I hope your dd is feeling much better now.

Well done Onit! Hope DD was ok at school today too xx

How's DD now? It's such a bugger. What counseling is she receiving at the moment?

Just before I left for court, school called to say she’d settled “beautifully” .
DD was her usual self when I saw her after school. Because of the timing of the hearing, I didn’t get to collect her but I was only ten minutes late. They hadn’t even got to my friends house.
Both dc were pleased with the result though DS did ask if his dad was unhappy and then wondered if he would now question them about what had been said.
I said that wasn’t important. The sheriff had made his decision based on what he thought was best for them. Not their dad.

Update.
DD has been down saying she’s nervous about tomorrow. I’ll deal with it in the morning if she is the same as today but at least I managed to get her back up to bed.
I can’t believe they’re not tired. I’m fucking exhausted.

No counselling for the dc. However, the CRO has promised to follow up with them and I intend to ask for it.
Now the dc are back at school and I have time in the school day to make calls without little ears listening, I will call the DASAT team to see what help is available there too.

Great news Onit - lets hope the boring ex wanders off into the sunset and never comes back. We can only dream!!

Great news Onit! You really deserved this ruling.

I am so pleased for you and your DC’s Onit! You are amazing and he is a total sh*t who doesn’t deserve to be a father. I hope your DC’s settle and grow happier now they have seen you fighting successfully for what’s best for them and what is RIGHT.

(And I hope he gets crotch rot)

Onit just one point. Can you get some kind of thing put in about not being allowed to take you to court again. The DCs and I went through this for 9 years. Court system 6 times I think in total.

In the end he lost parental responsibility but the kids went through child molestation enquiry (against his parents unfounded) at 4&5. social worker enquiry at about 5&6, then court at 8&9 and again at 11&12. He took me to court a couple of extra times along the way too.

There last 2 times were us trying to stop contact after verbal violence and threats. Including a death threat to me. But court kept giving the fucker more chances.

But previously I was always waiting for the next trumped up bullshit. He could never leave it alone. Constantly created conflict. Couldn't be reasonable. I could never ever diverge from the contact agreement.

If the kids had a chance to do something on his time. It was so stressful to get it to happen. Endless threats. He never paid a penny in maintenance and that was one of the many things that lead to his undoing.

But living under the stress and threats is incredibly bad for everyone.

Hi Onit. Great news about Sundays. Can you help your DS to find a way of saying to LCB (if LCB quizzes him) that he just said he wants the adults to decide what's best or something similar? Is there something he could say to get out of any responsibility LCB could lay at his door? If you could come up with something and he just sticks to the same neutral line LCB can't pick on him.

I hope DD was ok going to school this morning.

Incidentally, have you ever considered being a writer? The way you describe everything is so clear. I wish it was just a story instead of your life. You're an absolute hero.

DD went to school fine this morning. Just first day nerves that I didn’t handle well because I was so anxious myself.

They saw their dad after school yesterday. DD came in first and said DS was just having a chat. I asked what about and she said he’d been talking to them about the courts decision.
When we had sat down for tea, I asked DS if his dad had been ok with them. DS said he was just unhappy. DD then piped up, yeah, daddy was crying. I’m sure I muttered FFS under my breath. Then she said, and that made DS cry .
DS said dad was upset with the sheriffs decision. I said that the sheriff could see from all the evidence that Monday mornings weren’t working for anyone. The sheriffs job is to decide what’s best for the children. The only person who wanted it was their dad and it’s unfair of him to try to make them feel sorry for him when he was quite aware it was what they both wanted.

Once upon a time I called him out on that kind of thing. When the dc found out about the gf, he cried then too.
But, this time I rolled my eyes and sighed.
He was upset that he’ll never get to take them to school again. They’re the equivalent of Y3 & Y5. They walked themselves to school most of last year and, once they’ve settled in, they’ll be walking themselves home too. After school DS went off with his mates to go to the local pool and get a McDonald’s (first time he’s done that and I was shitting myself but, to be fair, he could use some independence to build his confidence and he had a great time).

My job before the next hearing is to collate all previous holiday arrangements to present to the sheriff. It will show that I have been reasonable, probably generous, with holiday contact. Hopefully this will mean his request for an order to be issued for 50% of all holidays will be thrown out.

That's great that DD is ok. You're being very balanced with the DC, Onit. I really am in awe of you. And DS heading off by himself with his mate is brilliant. You're doing such a great job.

What an absolute walloper he is. Great that things are more settled. Enjoy the weekend.

Yours amazing!! Just keep sticking up for your dc. They know now they can rely on you to put them first. They will always be able to look back at what's happening now and know that you kept them safe.

He's certainly getting very accomplished at the crying isn't he? He could win an Oscar! Poor kids being manipulated like that. It's so laughable given he was the one who chose to move so far away from them. Well done for rising above it, Onit. And great to hear the DC have settled back to school so well.

Things are getting better all the time !!
re Daddy crying, i would simply say, "No point in crying over split milk, Daddy made the decision to move to X. It doesn't work of us, & the sherriff decided it was not a good idea.

You are showing your children you don’t like their dad (eye rolling and FFS muttering)

Whilst I appreciate your history, he’s their dad and they love him and your hatred of him being so palpable to them is really unfair.

I know I’ll get slated for saying this on your thread but I won’t be the only one thinking it.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous, out of order, cruel and just plain stupid, holidaysmoliday.

holiday if you had read all Onits threads from the beginning you would realise that LCB has been waging war against Onit in multiple abusive ways. The DC know their father has a new partner, a new baby and a new location all of his own choosing. They know there has been court appearances and court officer visits. Surely in the face of all that hatred from their father, an eye roll and a FFS from Onit are hardly going to be the things that make the DC realise that their parents don't like each other!!!

Your comment is not at all fair.

Also, #NOTthinkingit.

I've pretended to like the dd's dad for years. I've worked around him and covered for him when he has behaved like a twat. Its almost been like still being married to him at times.

The dd's are old enough to see through that now and dd1 actually said, 'but Dad’s being a knob why aren't you annoyed?'.
Then it clicked for me that what I was actually doing was teaching them to appease and acquiesce in situations where it's not in my, or their, best interests to do so. To be a door mat basically.

Obviously I'm not slagging him off at every opportunity. But the odd eye roll at some of his more Dickish behaviour-as Onit has done here is a) understandable and b) fine. Neither I, nor she, or anyone in this situation, needs to be an apologist for the other person behaving like a selfish twat. And sometimes, as little as possible hopefully, but sometimes, it's necessary to point out when someone else is treating the dc badly. Or else how do they learn to protect themselves?

He was out of order to cry in front of them. He chose all of this remember? He has lost an impractical Sunday night. Not all contact. He bought all of this stressful process down on their heads, and is now making them feel bad about the outcome. They need to know that that isn't how he should be making them feel. And Onit needs to reinforce that as needed.

I'm pleased for you Onit.
I hope once this holiday thing is sorted it will be the last chapter. As pp said it's bloody stressful for all involved and you all deserve a break from it now.

Also, holiday when you make comments, they are your thoughts alone. You can't claim you are saying what others are thinking. That makes it seem even worse.

I understand your thoughts holiday, I do. And for the best part, that’s how I was handling it. Even when I could finally see that he had been/is abusive to me.
When he took me to court I didn’t tell the dc. I was I’ll with worry and they could see it but I didn’t tell them why.
When he insisted on a welfare report, I had no choice but to tell them what was going on and why we were at this point.
I was factual. I absolutely did not pass judgement on their dad.
But they did.
He has said he doesn’t discuss these things with him. And the dc concur. However, I’d argue that this is also a form of abuse. Because he never mentions it, in effect he has silenced them. Avoided the awkward questions.
And when he does bring it up it’s to make them feel sorry for him.
They ask me sometimes which only he could answer. I used to try. But not now. I tell them I don’t know.

Your argument is very much like his. That I should be a better person. Well I am. 100% of the time. My dc are not being damaged by me eye rolling or FFSing.
Their dad was crying over a decision made by the court which allowed the dc an opinion. And agreed with them.
His tears were nothing but a massive manipulation and thats where the damage is.

The CRO asked if he’d ever said, I left you not the dc. Of course he did. Countless times. Any time I said no to him I was accused of punishing him for leaving me. Any reaction I which showed him my hurt, anger, fear...my noncompliance, was a personality flaw. I wasn’t putting my dc first. I was allowing my opinion to cloud my decisions.
And that was a bad thing.
Why?

Always questioning my decisions. But never allowed to do the same.
Always pointing out my mistakes. But never allowed to do the same.

Anyway I’m ranting. And for some reason justifying myself.

I actually feel like deleting everything I’ve just said. Because I don’t need to justify myself. But what a waste of time that would be.

Massive xpost. Lol.