I am Onit, hear me ROAR. Thread 5!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

“I am not afraid of the storms for I am learning to sail my ship” Louisa May Alcott.

I was looking for something to call this thread and came across this quote.
It’s not entirely true; yet, but almost 3 years and 5 threads later, I actually almost believe I can do this.

But I still like the last thread title as it still feels fitting.
I’ll save the LMA quote for the next one.

Here’s a link to the last thread.
Hope you all find me, my amazing friends

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3211292-I-am-onit-hear-me-ROAR-occasionally

I couldn’t do it. It was an open plan office so it just wasn’t the place.
I have emailed her though.
Fucking horrible.
It’s all getting too real now.
I’m not ready. I’m really not.

Hi onit, i have been reading your threads but never posted before. I couldn't read your last post without comment. I just wanted to say what a strong and amazing person you are and how much guts that must have taken you to disclose that information

You're ready because you're doing it. Look how far you've come. You've kept too small people alive and healthy as well as loved, fed, clothes and educated while your shitty ex has tried his best to destroy you. He won't succeed.

Huge step, Onit. So brave.

How did the DC get on with her?

I think ok stormsurfer.
Both came out from talking to her smiling and happy. They’re fine that she’s going to follow up with them sometime soon after the hearing next week. Probably at school.
She said she’ll contact me to arrange that.

I haven’t got anyone to go with me to the court next week. My dais is working and the bf has his dc that day after school. He’s too far away to fit it all in.
The CRO told me I could ask for someone from the DASAT team to go with me. I will try to call tomorrow when the dc are out with their dad.
I’m not sure having a stranger with me will be better than going alone tbh but I would prefer to have someone there even if it’s just to distract me. Last tome especially, I was very anxious and would have been in bits without company.

I just want it to be done.

HI Onit. It is really positive that the abuse has been noticed and taken seriously. Please do disclose everything. I can't tell you how happy I am for you after my experience of court when my abusive father tried to get unsupervised access to my children. I was not believed, patronised infantilised. CAFCASS did not advise unsupervised contact but on the basis of my child's special needs and need for constant care. They did not take the abuse seriously at all. The family court here has a terrible reputation for ignoring abuse so I am relieved for you that in your case it is much better. Perhaps the Scottish system is better or you are fortunate to have a responsable Sherrif and officer. Please do tell them everything. There is a massive misconception on the part of the family court here that abuse of a child's mother and abuse of the child are separate issues but they really are not. best of luck to you and dc.

I would be happy to come with you if possible.

That’s a very kind offer sunshine. I’ll see if it’s possible my DSis can get a couple of hours off.
Im being a big baby tbh. I only have to face him in the actual courtroom and no one is allowed in with me there except my lawyer anyway. Maybe time I just put my big girl pants on.

You are not being a baby.

I saw the man who abused me through a door and then a year later from the back in a foyer and had a visceral reaction. Shaking, scared, sick. Fuck off to anyone who would call me a baby. I was fucking scared. Just as I had been when he hurt me as a child.

I hope your sister can help as I have been reminded you live in Scotland and I'm the other end of the country. Sorry.

It’s ok sunshine, I really do appreciate it.
It’s ptsd. The reaction.
DS hasn’t gone with his dad today. Was crying when he told me he didn’t want to go but was worried about his dad getting angry. He was asking me to tell him.
He’s just tired. Was at a sleepover last night and we’ve been school shoe/bag/socks etc shopping all day. He just wanted to chill out. His dad seemed to accept this time but I feel so sad that I’m having to tell my DS that worrying about his dads reaction shouldn’t be his primary concern. His own well-being is. He’s old enough to know that swimming when he’s tired isn’t fun. He shouldn’t be crying in Asda because he thinks his dad will scream at him about it.

Hopefully your son now has the confidence to say no next time he doesn't want to go.

That's good the DC were happy after seeing her. Hopefully the sheriff will now get a fuller picture and that will help your case.

Well done onit-I'm glad you have been able to tell about the abuse and that the reported seemed supportive.
You have come such a long way. Sending you lots of love x

Just caught up, onit. You're fantastic.

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

Record crying son asking not to go. Record DD screaming and not wanting to go.

This is really important Onit

and ESPECIALLY record son's worries of Dad reaction and shouting.

Nothing will state your case better Onit, practise hitting the record/video button!

Is it court today Onit? Good luck if it is.

Major trouble getting DD into school this morning. It’s first day back here.
Had all 3 of us in tears.
I didn’t handle it well. I really don’t know what to say to her.
I had to drag her from under the dining table by her ankles. I had to pull her into school. Was allowed to take her to class but then couldn’t leave. The staff obviously aren’t allowed to hold her so, when I went to leave, she just ran after me crying. I’m extremely anxious about today anyway and could not stop my own tears. Totally embarrassed myself.
I’ve got court this afternoon so I won’t even be able to pick her up.
One of the teachers said they’d call at break time to let me know how she is.
It occurs to me that if she actually needed to be picked up, there’s no one to do it. Me and her dad are at court. My sister would have to leave work or her gran (who I haven’t seen or spoken to in 18 months) would have to drive an hour and a half to get her with nowhere to take her.
DS’s friends mum is going to collect her.

Good luck for this afternoon.

I expect your DD will be fine now that she is actually in school. Sounds horrible though and the last thing you needed.

Maybe worth looking at another emergency contact for school. Another mum/ DC friends parents you could trust? Could maybe be reciprocal. In case you or their Dad can't make it.

So sorry Onit, nerves are on edge. Focus on your day, DD is probably happy with her friends now. Good Luck, Thinking of you.

Thinking of you, Onit. I'm so sorry your DD was so upset.

We got our Sundays back!
The sheriff told us a bit of what the dc had told the CRO and, even though LCB tried to argue that they were too young, that they didn’t get up that much earlier than I get them up on my working days for breakfast club and then a thinly veiled accusation that I’d coached them, he said that it was obviously unpractical and causing upset so it would be best to vary the order back to the original arrangement.
He tried to get the sheriff to make an order for holidays based on my his contact having reduced over time but the sheriff said we needed to try to arrange this ourselves. He was about to sist the motion (basically put it on hold until one of us decides to go back to change something) but LCB made a plea regarding the holidays. How his contact has reduced over the last 3 years etc.
I explained the 2 instances I’d refused this summer and said he’d had 24 of 52 days last summer so it wasn’t like I was limiting his time at all.
In the end the sheriff set a new hearing for late September with a view to us agreeing October holidays before then.
He brought up mediation again. The sheriff asked me my thoughts and I said I would be extremely uncomfortable if that was forced on me and that I was perfectly happy and able to corespondent by email.
The sheriff actually said later that correspondence should be written.
Afterwards I discussed this with my lawyer and he said it was perfectly possible that the CRO had mentioned the abusive nature of our relationship in the report and that this was the sheriff acknowledging that.
I said that having to disclose these things to a person of authority when I was unprepared had caused me significant anxiety and stress but that it made me all the more determined to protect my dc from him.

Yay! The right people are seeing exactly what an odious toad LCB is.

About time too.

Hugs to you all and enjoy your Sundays....

Excellent news. Hopefully this help the DC relax, and feel more settled both at home and school. And you.

You are an absolute star.

Onit I'm a serial name changer but have connected often and I am SO glad you've got the result you deserved and the right people are finally starting to see him for who he is