Dating thread 152: onwards and upwards

[30somethingandsingle]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Batshit it sounds like you and I are looking for the same sort of thing on POF. I get loads of silly messages - hello beautiful etc - and I just ignore them. I also get messages from men who are, to put it kindly, not in the best possible shape. I seem to attract fat old men!

I had a surprise message this morning from someone on Tinder that I had matched with ages ago. I shall call him Mr Outdoors. We chatted back and forth and then I suggested that we move to WhatsApp. The chat is going very well and we may be going to meet up one evening after work next week. Of course he could suddenly go quiet on me but he ticks a lot of my boxes and he looks hot in a low-key way so I am keeping my fingers crossed. Really not feeling it for Mr Builder and Mr Much Younger but I'm not going to cancel my dates this weekend as I might end up enjoying myself. And if I don't enjoy myself I am going to cut the evening short as in the past I have been way too polite and put up with some dreadful dates as I have been too polite to cut them short! Mr Tennis is still Whatsapping me at 9pm in the evening with some mundane chat but its not rally going anywhere.

Daffodil I have form for dating unsuitable men as there is a compassionate side to me that switches on when it should really not kick in at all. He sounds like hard work to be honest.

MrDrummer I haven't upgraded on POF or Tinder as I'm not convinced it is worth paying extra. I'm not impressed with the Meet Me function as people can just message if they want to meet, and you can 'favourite' people if you want them to know that you like the look of them without upgrading.

Man4 - I think unless it is a complete NO then it's worth another date. Date 2 is always make your mind up time.

I had my 'date' with MrWow last night and it was very good. I think it could turn into a regular thing depending on how things go with MrGardener. He's coming round again tonight but just to help me put some stuff in the loft. , lol.

@Man4allseasons agree with others, unless outright no, give it another go. I had a friend who this happened to, she even said just friends, they went out again, kissed, next date DTD and now seeing each other casually. She said she was scared initially. Might not be same for you but if she agrees to go out again, go for it

Man4 sometimes it takes time and if you are going to see her again then maybe see how it goes. Would you have liked to have a kiss at the end of the date? if the answer is yes, then go for another date.

Hi, mind if I join you? I started seeing someone I met on OLD last year. All was going extremely well though possibly lovebombed and now he started a new job he's busy with that and some family stuff.

We haven't seen each other for a month and I feel that despite the distance and business if he wanted to he could find some time to come and see me. I could go and see him but the few times before, it has been me going to him and I feel that the effort has to be more even.

I'm back on OLD and have lots of matches but don't know what to do about it. I've started talking to a few and I guess I'm just waiting to be wowed but my heart isn't really in it as I obviously have strong feelings for the guy I'm seeing.

If i was advising a friend, i would tell them to give him an ultimatum but for some reason, I don't want to.

Musti a month is a long time to not see someone. How far away is he from you? Sometimes relationships do burn themselves out after the initial excitement - do you think that has happened with him?

I do understand your reluctance to give him an ultimatum as once you do, you may hear something you don't want to hear. And all the time you are hanging on in the current situation, you can convince yourself that the relationship will work out.

It is tough, but I think you need to ask him what is going on and what his plans are for your relationship. So not an ultimatum exactly but it could/should achieve the same outcome.

He lives less than two hours away and we have often just seen each other for the evening. I have asked him if he had changed his mind that it was absolutely fine but he reassured me that he hadn't.

I'm mentally giving him a few more weeks to get settled in his new job and sort out the family stuff and then really address it. I don't want anyone else but feel like by having a look at who else there is out there, I will be less likely to hang on to something that isn't right for me. At the same time I struggle talking to someone when my heart is already taken and feel duplicitous and unfair to all, even though I'm not saying or doing anything and my style is to get to know them as people before thinking about anything else.

lilly Yes, I'd have liked to have kissed her. Definitely will go for another date.

Back on the apps now...

@Man4allseasons Try another date with her - you'll know either way then.

@Daffodildelilah Your situation sounds really tough, but try and change your mindset and realise that you deserve more than what he is actually giving you. You are living for the crumbs of what he decides to give you and you are worth so much more than that. He really doesn't sound like he's in the right place to be starting something with you - sometimes timing is just crap and you need to accept that and move on. If it's meant to be it will be, maybe at some undetermined point in the future, but don't waste your precious time waiting for him to come around and be the person you are willing him to be.

I've got my 3rd date night in hotel with MrPlumber tonight, but FFS, if he sends me one more cock picture I'll be able to build a 3D model of it and save myself the bother of shaving my legs and going out, he's obviously very proud of it . It's just a FB thing as far as we're both concerned. I know I'm really not in a place to be starting anything at the moment - I need a bit more time to myself to get over MrAbs, then come back to it fresh after Easter in a more positive and less cynical frame of mind. Hopefully...

Jesuis - A 3D model of it - pmsl!

@Musti do you think you're holding off saying something because you're afraid of the answer?
What's the situation with you? I'm assuming there's been no 'exclusive' chat or official bf/ gf set up if you're back on the apps?

Ask yourself how long you're prepared to feel this way? Another month? 6 months? A year?
From what you've described it sounds like you are more invested in this relationship than he is.

My advice would be don't put up with something just because you're afraid of the alternative. If you're wanting to be wowed it doesn't sound like he's doing that for you so letting him go might be the best option so you can find someone who is capable of fulfilling your needs

@wishywashy6 yes we are exclusive so i shouldn't be on the apps. Though I'm not intending on doing anything other than getting to know people. He's supposed to come next weekend so I'm waiting to see of he comes or if there us another reason or excuse why he can't. If he doesn't come then I will have to give him an ultimatum and say for this relationship to work, I have to be up there with his priorities.

I have asked him and though he says the right things, I do feel more invested than him.

@Musti
I met my bf on OLD last summer and despite us both being busy, he's always always made me feel like I've been a priority for him. Apart from the initial 'shall we go exclusive' talk I've never really had to ask how he's feeling, his actions have told me all I need to know. It's always felt straight forward, easy, no 'will he/ won't he text' games or anything.
Don't settle for less than what you're worth, listen to his actions not his words.

Jesuis, you are totally right about me living for his crumbs. I’m allowing myself to be messed about, cancelled last minute and all without any real awareness from him of how it makes me feel. I wish I could switch off my feelings for him, not messaging is torture. I know o deserve better but he’s the first man in such a long time that I’ve had such chemistry with.

@Musti "To deny an emotion, is to deny reality"... a famous psychologist once said. If you feel all the things you say regarding him having less investment, you don't feel it from him, then it's your truth. Don't try to convince yourself your feelings are wrong... Doubting one's own emotions will cause you depressive feelings (self invalidation). You need to trust your emotions. I don't think an ultimatum is the way to go, but I do think you need to explain your feelings. But you need to take responsibility for your own happiness and if you aren't happy, then you need to fix things by ending it and moving on.

Musti, I think MrDrummer is giving very sound advice there.

I know how hard this is though. I am planning on detaching myself from MrENTP by having a bit of a technology detox, apart from this thread of course!) and filling my time up with other stuff, hobbies/irons etc. My nature is to go with the feels and so I need to rationalise a bit and stop letting myself get carried away with the thrill of connection. We need to get some self preservation skills :)

mrdrummer - fantastically put! I made a pact with myself after my last relationship ended to rid my life of anything that makes me unhappy. I'd somehow ended up in a very toxic relationship trying to 'fix' someone who really didn't want to be fixed and getting out of that really made me take stock of things.
I now approach life with the attitude that I am responsible for my own happiness and so now if someone/ or something isn't enhancing that, they're gone.
I love my BF and things are good between us but I am in no way dependent on him when it comes to my own well being/ happiness.
It took a year of being single with no apps/ distractions and doing a lot of self reflection to get myself to a point where I really felt like that but it has brought a kind of inner peace with it.

Meh and Musti, I think I need to do the same. Keep busy and physically active. Stop thinking about him and do something to distract myself whenever I do. Look after myself better. I’ve arranged a date for Saturday night, he’s fanciable but I don’t feel excited because I want to see mr fwb. But I need to try. If nothing else, it stops me thinking about him for an evening and reminds me that there are other men out there.

@Musti I totally agree with what @wishywashy6 says. My situation is very similar met my bf online last summer we live a distance apart but we make it work. There's no games no second guessing it's so easy. The relationship I was in before that we lived 20 minutes apart and seen less of each other. Now I can look back and see we weren't right for each other.

daffodildelilah what a horrible situation

Have you thought of doing something else other than dating? If you were my real life friend I'd want to do something to take your mind off things. When I first split up with stbexh I joined a couple of meet up groups and went rambling and to social events with strangers. I actually met lots of nice people, mainly women, and it was a nice diversion before I was ready to date.

I'm just wondering if being in a dating situation just makes you compare your date with this guy when maybe you should take your mind off dating and men.

Well Mr Much Younger has solved my problem for Saturday night. I really wasn't looking forward to seeing him as I didn't feel we really had a connection. He has just sent me the following text which I think I will use myself in similar situations as I really like the wording:

'I think you are amazing and we have a great connection but the timing is wrong for me right now.'

I feel so much better now. I replied agreeing with him and wishing him all the best for the future.

Musti and Daffodil I would say you need to look at their actions, not what they say/their excuses.

If we're handing out bon mots I believe happiness is an inside job - it all goes wrong if we look outside ourselves to find someone to make us happy.

I agree with batshit even if I did have to google what bon mot means and I think I was trying to say that but not as well.

Mr Guns came for some morning fun today, he certainly makes me feel good and I'm also very comfortable around him and I said the correct name today
We're going out on Saturday and I'm going to stay at his. I'm looking forward to it already.

Wow 30something that sounds good.