Dating thread 152: onwards and upwards

[30somethingandsingle]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

@Eesha Yes, Match and Fitness Singles. Bumble is in progress, but my profile is hidden while I figure out how to get ‘me’ into 250 characters. I don’t think I’ll fare too well on that considering it requires a mutual match, which just hasn’t happened on Tinder. I can’t say I’ve seen lots of fake profiles on POF while using the search facility, though the MeetMe notifications are highly dubious.

@MrDrummer I think a lot of people might get sucked in to upgrades via the MeetMe route. I guess women might want to upgrade to be able to filter out a lot of the noise too ?

MrDrummer I had a thought about hobbies. I have wondered if some people exaggerate their hobbies to make themselves seem more interesting and if you ask a question about a hobby they might be too embarrassed o answer.

@MrDrummer I wouldn't rule out people who've upgraded, I've done it from time to time on Bumble for example because as @HairyArsedMan says it helps filter people out. I don't think it means anything except perhaps indicating someone is more interested in finding a relationship?

@MehIAmKnackered a lot of people can't do FWB, I don't think I could, if I like someone enough to sleep with them then i can't keep emotions out like that. Agree you may need to speak to him and walk away for your own sake if it's not the answer you want. Ultimately you have to protect your own heart if he's never going to want more and you are heading that way.

@StealthNinjaMum This is the strange thing. I just wonder if there is too much dross out there to get oneself noticed. Lifestyle is spot on, one daughter living with me full time still, well paid job, own car, own house. I am literally the perfect bloke ( ) on PoF... and yet haven't been able to get any traction on PoF for a long time now.

@HairyArsedMan Have you seen any improvement since you reworked your profile?

@MrDrummer No, not at all, but early days yet. Without the views the effects of the profile changes are hard to determine. I need to add another couple of photos still.

@StealthNinjaMum That could be true about hobbies, I suppose but then if you can't rely on a profile being true, then you are a bit snookered trying to connect with someone. Or is it really about whether it comes down to floating each other's boat in the picture.

@leonasa It's only PoF upgrade that I consider a minus, because the benefits seem so small. I have seen one or two people that will only accept messages from upgraded users. I was considering upgrading on Match because it's pretty useless without. Tinder has gotten me a few matches but nothing of any suitability.

@MrDrummer yes Match you basically have to. Admittedly on Bumble it wasn't of much use! I am quite liking OkCupid I have to say.

MrDrummer don't bother paying for POF, I've had more success just messaging when something in a profile stands out.
My date for Fri with MsBathLegs came from that approach. Her profile looked like she might be hard work, but she's not. Apparently she was once asked "were you in a bad mood when you wrote that".
The fake meetme stuff is eye opening but irritating!
Tinder I paid for 1 month, not sure how it works without paying, do you still get to see who's liked you? Anyway, tonight's date MsOz liked me first and I matched. Same for Ms7 but I don't think that's going anywhere.
I'm like you I read profiles, and I don't swipe right on anybody without one.

Date with MsOz tonight went well, she looked lovely and was great company. We had a little kiss at the end, and I admitted after to feeling like an awkward teenager at the age of 47!
I'm not sure I'm really feeling it, but maybe I'm expecting too much as this was my first date since I seperated.
She's worried I'm going to be like a kid in a sweet shop as I've only just started OLD.
But we're going to see each other again next week
Spoke to MsBathLegs when I got home and we've upped the ante to give coffee a miss and just go straight for lunch on Fri. Still excited about this one!

Leonasa and JeSuisPriest the weirdest thing is that logically he would be a terrible choice for an actual relationship. His lifestyle is very different from mine for a start, and I can't see how it would ever work without one of us making a massive shift and neither of us are prepared to do that. And he's emotionally unavailable- hence him wanting a FWB himself. Hes been veey honest abput that and I thought that i wanted that too.

I want an exclusive FWB where we are emotionally "for" each other, just who I only see 2 or 3 times a month if it suits us both. I'd like the benefits bit more often that than but realistically havent got the time. That's a relationship isn't it though? Just one without being in each others pockets maybe. And thats going to be hard to find.

MrDrummer just to give you a female perspective on POF.
I get very little interest on there as well. There are plenty of people on here and in RL that have looked at my profile and said it looks good.
Yet I very rarely get replies to my messages. And while, I get quite a few messages, they are usually the "hi gorgeous" type.

I've been on and off POF for over 2 years now. I see a lot of the same faces still on there who always seem to be online. Men who appear to be a good match to me. But they're not interested. So I always wonder who they are actually chatting to.

I'm now on POF - I get a lot of messages but for me I have to physically be attracted, they have to live near enough for it to work, I'd prefer them to be at a similar life stage (divorced, grown up children) and relatively articulate in their profile. If that's all there then I reply - I like to have proper chatty chat - not endless question and answer sessions! And some humour - I've got quite a dry self-deprecating sense of humour and want a man who 'gets' it. I'm trying to arrange some proper dates, and not Fab meets ....

@MehIAmKnackered agree with other posters, you probably need to get more irons as you are overinvesting in someone who can't give you what you are looking for. I too can't imagine doing the FWB thing as id definitely get attached but my lifestyle (full time with small kids) means I really don't have the time for a real relationship too. I think your iron is making it clear what he is looking for so you need to stop overinvesting to protect your heart.

@leonasa I was a single parent to 2 at around 12 months, echo others to say much easier to do alone than with someone who potentially might be draining you or having a negative impact on everything. I have met a few people who actively chose to have children alone and they are loving, devoted parents. Good luck!

unique that kind of dull conversation would do my head in!!

Eesha

Thank you. You're right. Thing is, others I've chatted to are so bland in comparison! I need to stop focusong on him dont I. Meh.

Ps same here, work full-time 3 small children- we are actually fucking heroes when I think about what we achieve x

@MehIAmKnackered I think it's natural to just end up liking one more than others but you have to force yourself to mentally give yourself more choice. Good luck!

Oh yes Meh I think of it like a horse race, with various irons taking the lead or falling back as time goes on. Definitely have more than one to prevent over-investing. If you can find more than one that you like ....

meh think I am in exactly the same boat as you. 2 small kids not much time. Have found an excellent FWB that could never be a proper relationship but all my other irons are boring me by comparison

Can I join please? I feel in a similar situation to Meh. I met a separated man online in October (separated six months at that point) and we started a casual but exclusive ‘arrangement’. I quickly fell for him. He has lost his job (family firm on her side) as a result of his separation and is focusing on rebuilding his life but is depressed and shuts himself off from people. He also started going online again last year looking for women but owned up when I challenged him and it hasn’t happened since.

I see him every few weeks but his contact is hit and miss. We have lots of chemistry in person but he withdraws in between meet ups. I really care for him and would love a relationship but he isn’t in the right place. I’ve gone back online and have a few dates lined up but my heart lies with him which makes it so hard to move on. I always seem to instigate contact so I’m trying hard to leave it to him, however long it takes. In the past if I back off, he came back with lots more effort but he is in such a mess right now, I really don’t know what he thinks or wants.

@Daffodildelilah maybe ask yourself whether you really want his drama in your life at present. Won't it all just stress you out? Why not test the water out there for men with less complications and who can offer you more. Also, I personally think if you around when all the stress is going on, you'll soon become a reminder of it when it all gets sorted out. Try and focus on yourself and someone more available to you.

I never set out to fall for him, I honestly thought I could do fwb. In person, he seems to be falling for me too but then backs off. I’m putting the focus back on myself and giving myself a few weeks off from contacting him unless he contacts me. I’ve swiped like mad but haven’t seen anyone I fancy even remotely in comparison with fwb man. I have such a connection with him in person and I don’t want to walk away.😕

I can’t bear the thought of walking away and then him settling with someone else.

Morning all.
Had my date with Mrs Yogi-not-a-bear last night, and it was...ok.

We got on ok, and chatted well, but I'm just not sure there was any spark. At the end of the date I got a hug... Not sure what to make of the whole thing. I'm going to see her again, so we'll see how it goes.

Irons rapidly decreasing Think I feel a Swipefest coming on!